Nearly a full month has gone by at this point, but remember how we went away for my birthday? Well, the final stop of the trip was the historical Rye Playland in Rye, NY. It was about an hour away from Adventureland so after stopping a gas station Firehouse Subs for a quick lunch which actually took about 30 minutes, it felt like we were standing in that place for-fucking-ever to the point where the lady manning the Tim Horton’s counter was like EXCUSE ME ARE YOU LOST. I mean, not in so many words but her FACE said it all. We were IN THE WAY as usual.

Then we made it to Rye Playland and it was weird. Like, it wants to be uppity so badly I feel like? Because it’s on the water so it’s like, “Look at how idyllic we are, now you have to pay us $20 just to park.” And I think you also need to pay for a pass to go to the beach area too.

But! At least Henry didn’t have to pay to enter the park. The ticketing process was really frustrating and disorderly. We had already paid online and it wasn’t until we finally made it to the one of the ticket windows that we realized we might have been able to bypass that and go directly to the gate BUT THERE WAS NO INSTRUCTIONS OR SIGNAGE SAYING SO.

Anyway, we got into the park and the first thing we did was head straight for the iconic DRAGON COASTER. In case you haven’t seen me mention this like 7698679 times on Instagram (OK, twice), Mariah Carey rode this in her Fantasy video!

This was the best picture Henry could get of us riding this. A real Mom on Vacation would have tried harder. Bribed the line attendant to go up the exit ramp.

I’ll tell you what–this coaster was not memorable at all, LOL. And Chooch was so annoyed because it was one of the only times all weekend that we had—gasp—stand in a line like serfs. It wasn’t a terrible wait but there was a  young couple behind us and the guy was such a know-it-all and mansplainer and was on Chooch’s last nerve. He kept saying that they had to get the front row and we actually had the chance to get it first but I wanted to sit in the back and Chooch was pissed.

“I wanted to sit in the front so he couldn’t,” he mumbled. SORRY.

Also, they do not give a SHIT about personal items here. You could fucking ride with your goddamn Stanley and they would not give you a second glance. In fact, some dumbo held up operations because he came over to the entrance, when it was almost our turn to be let into the station, to say that he thought he left his phone on the coaster. They actually looked for it for him when most parks would (rightfully) say, “Oh well, you weren’t supposed to have your phone on you anyway, so.”

They couldn’t find it and Henry heard him tell his wife that he actually thought he left it in the car so they caused a ruckus for nothing and Chooch and I were pissed. WE WERE TRYNA RIDE THE FUCKING DRAGON OK.

This is what Henry looked all day. Michael Myers Goes to an Amusement Park.

ZombieCastle was OK! I just love a dark ride in general though so my standards are usually low.

Interspersing some Charmera shots in here in an effort to avoid 6 parts to this recap.

ISN’T THIS A GREAT SHOT.

Next was the Crazy Mouse. We were in line behind three guys – probably around Chooch’s age which I’m sure was awesome for him since he was there with MOMMY – who were talking about how some little kid DIED on the other dark ride there and I was trying to get Chooch to listen because they were CONFIRMING what I had previously told him and Henry.

Then three of their friends came over and were talking to them from outside of the queue (one of them did ask me and Chooch if it was OK if he joined them and I said yes because 1. it didn’t affect us since it’s 4 to a car so it didn’t add to our wait time, and 2. HOW FUCKING POLITE, OF COURSE YOU CAN CUT SINCE YOU ASKED NICELY!!

Seriously, I love a polite youth.

Meanwhile, one of the other guys who had come over to talk to them was legit scared to ride this? They kept trying to persuade him, like, “This is a baby coaster, bro” but he held his ground. He was with a girl and I think what was really happening was that he saw this as his opportunity to go off on his own with her with the other guy had joined the group in line.

After he walked away, his friends said the same thing!

“I can’t blame him for that,” one of them said. LOL.

Chooch had to help me tear off this part of my wristband so that I too could contribute to the WATCH YOUR STEP desecration.

I have nothing to say about this – it was a wild mouse and did the things that wild mice do.

I had my Charmera with me and got to take a great shot of the Dragon Coaster from the Crazy Mouse lift hill! Also, we thought Henry was talking to another Elder while he was sitting down in a chair waiting for us but we were wrong. :( We love to see Henry make other Purse-Holder connections at amusement parks.

Oh speaking of! I actually rode this WITH my purse. The ride attendant started to hand me a bin (they use basic Tupperwear bins there as their personal item storage!) and I said, “Is it OK to just take it with me?” because it’s kind of small. She shrugged and made a, “You do you” face, so I did me.

NEXT IT WAS TIME TO RIDE THE DARK RIDE THAT SOME KID DIED ON! It’s seriously true – he was riding alone and got out of the boat for some reason and ended up getting electrocuted or something on the track. No wait I Googled because I am all about ACCURACY and learned this: in August 2005, a 7-year-old boy, climbed out of his boat in a dark tunnel on the Ye Olde Mill water ride and was fatally struck and pulled under by the mechanism. 

Anyway, now there are NO SINGLE RIDERS allowed.

There were really annoying, screechy children in line with us. That’s really my only takeaway other than that I thought the ride was cute. Chooch said it was “boring.”

Chooch being bored.

That had some of these interactive fairy tale scenes like at Dutch Wonderland!

Look how cute this courtyard area is!!

WATER!

MARIAH CAREY ROLLERBLADED HERE.

 

FAMILY FOTO.

 

When we were in line for this kiddie coaster, the ride operator was like, “Excuse me how old is she?” and the lady was like, “SHE IS 4” with her full chest, thinking this was going to be the right answer, but this man was hiding his RYE PLAYLAND LAW STICKLER vest from her because he goes, “Oh well she has the WRONG wrist band on so I cannot let her ride this. That wrist band is for KIDDIELAND ONLY and cannot be used on rides outside of that section. She will need to upgrade her wristband.”

And the lady was all, “Oh well” and turned to get out of line but turns out, she wasn’t the mom! So then the MOM was like, “OH HELL NO MY KID IS GOING TO RIDE THIS” I mean she didn’t SAY those words, but her tone carried the sentiment loud and clear.

So she goes, “Can’t you just scan my wristband and let her ride it?” and everyone in line held their breath, like NOT A PEEP was to be heard, waiting to see if he was going to BEND THE RULES for this Long Island Karen.

He said NO.

So then she was like, “Can’t I just take my wristband off and put it on her?” but then realized she wouldn’t have her own wristband anymore and he was like, “I’m not entertaining this conversation any further” and everyone went about their day.

HIGH STAKES DRAMA.

Love a law-abiding amusement park employee!

Oh so also the movie “Big” with Tom Hanks was filmed at Rye Playland! This is not the same Zoltar that was in the movie though. The original “Zoltar Speaks” machine used in the movie was a special film prop rather than an actual permanent park attraction at the time. However, because of the movie’s legacy, an official modern Zoltar machine now sits in the park. (Thanks AI overview :/)

This is the carousel that pissed Chooch off so badly because the attendant walked around slowly, making sure everyone (even the adults) had their seatbelt on and then proceeded to slowly buckle all the vacant horses. We sat there for like 10 minutes before he finally started the damn thing.

Stupid ass Henry couldn’t ride this since he refused to get a wristband so he attempted to take his own carouselfie and completely cut Chooch out of it.

This is probably the one that Chooch would prefer us to hang on the carouselfie wall though LOL.

Look, I had all the time in the world to take these pictures as we sat there rotting on unmoving horses.

OK Part 2 forthcoming.

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