There’s a restaurant right outside of Rye Playland called Tiki something or other. We decided that we would just eat there rather than inside the park where the options would be, I don’t know, pizza probably. I had pretty low expectations for this place, figured it would overpriced because you’re paying for the waterfront location, but we wanted to have a sit-down dinner.

First of all, the hostess station was giving off the MOST unwelcoming vibes. The one hostess was being so dramatic about HOW BUSY they were but it didn’t really seem THAT crowded? While we were standing there, a server scootched past us and said, “Excuse me, ladies.” Chooch and I exchanged super quick eye contact and started cracking up because he and ESPECIALLY Henry could not look LESS lady-like but OK. At least she didn’t call me sir. Then it would have been way less funny.

Anyway, we were seated at a wobbly hightop with no view of anything but the bar and a tree so we definitely weren’t paying for the water views. 

My mood was starting to plummet quickly but then the server came over and she was so upbeat and personable and was lowk flirting with Chooch I think?? She said,” I love how you rock, let’s do it!” and said she was OBSESSED with him because he ordered some watermelon mocktail that was served in a goblet. She did warn him that it was like 60 ounces or something and he did hesitate but then ultimately went for it and her reaction was more on par with someone decided to go bungee jumping or to get some weird insane joke tattoo after doing several bumps in Tijuana. 

She was like the girl version of TRUMAN if you even read my birthday road trip from LAST SUMMER like a good little bog reader than you know!

So then we were all super hyped after that. I even got a beer even though I didn’t really want one! I also only drank half of it because I didn’t really want it! 

Chooch’s goblet. It was so big in person that it inspired the middle aged man at the table next to us to lean over and ask Chooch WTF it was. 

It had sour gummies in it too and this was Chooch’s face when I told him he had to let me have one because it was still my birthday. (It was August 1st at this point LOL.)

Then Henry and Chooch spent the rest of the dinner trying to guess how much the goblet was going to be since NO PRICES were listed on the drink menu (a common complaint based on the Google reviews I would see later when I left my own mid review!). My mom even weighed in via text.  I think Chooch was the closest – he said $25 and it ended up being $30, I think, Henry’s guess was $40.

I ordered a faro salad and it was so bad, you guys. I mean, I wasn’t expecting Michelin quality at this place but it was basically a heap of wilted lettuce (kind of a bad time for lettuce to begin with so that alone should have deterred me but I still wanted a dumb salad), like 4 servings of Craisins istfg, and a thimble’s worth of faro. 

YOU CAN’T NAME YOUR SALAD AFTER AN INGREDIENT THAT IS BASICALLY AN AFTERTHOUGHT? 

And then our server became moodier and moodier as the evening went on??? She actually never came back (the runners were handling everything after she brought our drinks) and Henry had to keep flagging her down for basic asks….like, napkins.

And she was giving him a tight-lipped smile but acting super huffy?? Like, what did we do!? I thought you were obsessed with us?!?!

Meanwhile, the bussers were trying so hard to take out plates away when we were still actively eating?? Henry said they must have a plate shortage. How do you have a plate shortage at a restaurant? Chooch’s hand was literally hovering above his plate, ready to grab one of the fries that remained, and had to say, “No, actually – I’m still eating” when some girl was like CAN I TAKE YOUR PLATE.

It was crazy. 

Then some band was supposed to be playing at some point. They sound-checked and then never came back.

Meanwhile, Henry had to flag down the server for our check and then when we realized the mystery of the goblet would continue because the check only had the total on it, he had to flag her down AGAIN and ask for an itemized copy not because he wanted to find a mistake to contest but because he and Chooch needed to know who was closest to guessing the goblet price, and I swear to god she gave him the biggest bitch face ever, worse than the time we were at a restaurant and the server was saying she was having a shitty day and Henry said,” Yeah you look like it” or something?!!? And Chooch and I were like WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT and Henry was like, “I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY” but it totally made our dinner so uncomfortable because she actively hated us and did the bare minimum for us after that, who can blame her. I remember Henry asking her for a straw or something and she stopped dead in her track and dramatically spun around to go back to the kitchen to get him one and I wanted to turn myself into jelly and pool into a puddle of embarrassment under the table.

Chooch was like, “Wow, why don’t you just tell her to smile more” and then had to quickly add, “I’m just kidding, don’t actually do that!!!” because you never know with Henry. 

Anyway, back to Tiki Beach – at some point we also noticed that there was a crack in Chooch’s goblet so Henry pointed it out to the server, like, “Hey, you might want to retire this goblet after this” and she was like, “Oh wow, ok” in a tone that suggested that she did not give a single shit that this happened. (THIS WAS PART OF MY GOOGLE REVIEW – which actually wasn’t even written in my Karen persona if you can believe it.)

Sometimes I think bad meals are worth it though when they give you something to laugh about because I can definitely see this coming up in the future like “remember Chooch’s cracked goblet” or whatever. 

“In the Air Tonight” was playing at one point and I KNEW someone from the table next to us would do the air-drum so I was ready for it:

Anyway, we went back inside the park after that but I had a headache at that point and Chooch was BORED AND MORE BORED and didn’t want to wait in line for the Dragon Coaster again so all we did was walk around and ride the Old Mill again. And get ice cream!

It was just OK. The sprinkles were the kind that are sort of soft and I like them to be crunchier. THAT IS MY PERSONAL PREFERENCE also do not ever call them jimmies.

Henry out there Ron Swanson’ing that cone. 

I don’t know, it was a very pretty park but not much to do there. We were going to ride the log flume but it was inexplicably closed on a 90 degree day.

“I’M NOT WAITING IN LINE FOR THAT AGAIN” – Mr. Important.

Oh one last thing to add! When we were first walking over to the Tiki Beach restaurant, we had to pass through the courtyard and there was a large family of—I hate that this is going to come off as profiling—what seemed to be Ethiopians having a picnic and their food smelled SO FUCKING GOOD that Henry and I both simultaneously moaned some version of, “Ugh, I want to have what they’re having.” And then after eating at the Tiki place, we were even more sad that we couldn’t eat what they were eating, fuck our lives. 

So, this basically concludes my birthday trip. We left around 9pm, stayed at some semi-nearby Hampton Inn for the night, then took Chooch grocery shopping at Costco outside of Philly the next morning before dropping him off and heading back to Pittsburgh. I was so sad and he was like YOU WILL SEE ME IN A FEW WEEKS GET OVER IT. Grateful that he humored me and joined us for this quick trip at all though! He could have been like, “I have 20-year-old things to do in college, hard pass.”

Nearly a full month has gone by at this point, but remember how we went away for my birthday? Well, the final stop of the trip was the historical Rye Playland in Rye, NY. It was about an hour away from Adventureland so after stopping a gas station Firehouse Subs for a quick lunch which actually took about 30 minutes, it felt like we were standing in that place for-fucking-ever to the point where the lady manning the Tim Horton’s counter was like EXCUSE ME ARE YOU LOST. I mean, not in so many words but her FACE said it all. We were IN THE WAY as usual.

Then we made it to Rye Playland and it was weird. Like, it wants to be uppity so badly I feel like? Because it’s on the water so it’s like, “Look at how idyllic we are, now you have to pay us $20 just to park.” And I think you also need to pay for a pass to go to the beach area too.

But! At least Henry didn’t have to pay to enter the park. The ticketing process was really frustrating and disorderly. We had already paid online and it wasn’t until we finally made it to the one of the ticket windows that we realized we might have been able to bypass that and go directly to the gate BUT THERE WAS NO INSTRUCTIONS OR SIGNAGE SAYING SO.

Anyway, we got into the park and the first thing we did was head straight for the iconic DRAGON COASTER. In case you haven’t seen me mention this like 7698679 times on Instagram (OK, twice), Mariah Carey rode this in her Fantasy video!

This was the best picture Henry could get of us riding this. A real Mom on Vacation would have tried harder. Bribed the line attendant to go up the exit ramp.

I’ll tell you what–this coaster was not memorable at all, LOL. And Chooch was so annoyed because it was one of the only times all weekend that we had—gasp—stand in a line like serfs. It wasn’t a terrible wait but there was a  young couple behind us and the guy was such a know-it-all and mansplainer and was on Chooch’s last nerve. He kept saying that they had to get the front row and we actually had the chance to get it first but I wanted to sit in the back and Chooch was pissed.

“I wanted to sit in the front so he couldn’t,” he mumbled. SORRY.

Also, they do not give a SHIT about personal items here. You could fucking ride with your goddamn Stanley and they would not give you a second glance. In fact, some dumbo held up operations because he came over to the entrance, when it was almost our turn to be let into the station, to say that he thought he left his phone on the coaster. They actually looked for it for him when most parks would (rightfully) say, “Oh well, you weren’t supposed to have your phone on you anyway, so.”

They couldn’t find it and Henry heard him tell his wife that he actually thought he left it in the car so they caused a ruckus for nothing and Chooch and I were pissed. WE WERE TRYNA RIDE THE FUCKING DRAGON OK.

This is what Henry looked all day. Michael Myers Goes to an Amusement Park.

ZombieCastle was OK! I just love a dark ride in general though so my standards are usually low.

Interspersing some Charmera shots in here in an effort to avoid 6 parts to this recap.

ISN’T THIS A GREAT SHOT.

Next was the Crazy Mouse. We were in line behind three guys – probably around Chooch’s age which I’m sure was awesome for him since he was there with MOMMY – who were talking about how some little kid DIED on the other dark ride there and I was trying to get Chooch to listen because they were CONFIRMING what I had previously told him and Henry.

Then three of their friends came over and were talking to them from outside of the queue (one of them did ask me and Chooch if it was OK if he joined them and I said yes because 1. it didn’t affect us since it’s 4 to a car so it didn’t add to our wait time, and 2. HOW FUCKING POLITE, OF COURSE YOU CAN CUT SINCE YOU ASKED NICELY!!

Seriously, I love a polite youth.

Meanwhile, one of the other guys who had come over to talk to them was legit scared to ride this? They kept trying to persuade him, like, “This is a baby coaster, bro” but he held his ground. He was with a girl and I think what was really happening was that he saw this as his opportunity to go off on his own with her with the other guy had joined the group in line.

After he walked away, his friends said the same thing!

“I can’t blame him for that,” one of them said. LOL.

Chooch had to help me tear off this part of my wristband so that I too could contribute to the WATCH YOUR STEP desecration.

I have nothing to say about this – it was a wild mouse and did the things that wild mice do.

I had my Charmera with me and got to take a great shot of the Dragon Coaster from the Crazy Mouse lift hill! Also, we thought Henry was talking to another Elder while he was sitting down in a chair waiting for us but we were wrong. :( We love to see Henry make other Purse-Holder connections at amusement parks.

Oh speaking of! I actually rode this WITH my purse. The ride attendant started to hand me a bin (they use basic Tupperwear bins there as their personal item storage!) and I said, “Is it OK to just take it with me?” because it’s kind of small. She shrugged and made a, “You do you” face, so I did me.

NEXT IT WAS TIME TO RIDE THE DARK RIDE THAT SOME KID DIED ON! It’s seriously true – he was riding alone and got out of the boat for some reason and ended up getting electrocuted or something on the track. No wait I Googled because I am all about ACCURACY and learned this: in August 2005, a 7-year-old boy, climbed out of his boat in a dark tunnel on the Ye Olde Mill water ride and was fatally struck and pulled under by the mechanism. 

Anyway, now there are NO SINGLE RIDERS allowed.

There were really annoying, screechy children in line with us. That’s really my only takeaway other than that I thought the ride was cute. Chooch said it was “boring.”

Chooch being bored.

That had some of these interactive fairy tale scenes like at Dutch Wonderland!

Look how cute this courtyard area is!!

WATER!

MARIAH CAREY ROLLERBLADED HERE.

FAMILY FOTO.

When we were in line for this kiddie coaster, the ride operator was like, “Excuse me how old is she?” and the lady was like, “SHE IS 4” with her full chest, thinking this was going to be the right answer, but this man was hiding his RYE PLAYLAND LAW STICKLER vest from her because he goes, “Oh well she has the WRONG wrist band on so I cannot let her ride this. That wrist band is for KIDDIELAND ONLY and cannot be used on rides outside of that section. She will need to upgrade her wristband.”

And the lady was all, “Oh well” and turned to get out of line but turns out, she wasn’t the mom! So then the MOM was like, “OH HELL NO MY KID IS GOING TO RIDE THIS” I mean she didn’t SAY those words, but her tone carried the sentiment loud and clear.

So she goes, “Can’t you just scan my wristband and let her ride it?” and everyone in line held their breath, like NOT A PEEP was to be heard, waiting to see if he was going to BEND THE RULES for this Long Island Karen.

He said NO.

So then she was like, “Can’t I just take my wristband off and put it on her?” but then realized she wouldn’t have her own wristband anymore and he was like, “I’m not entertaining this conversation any further” and everyone went about their day.

HIGH STAKES DRAMA.

Love a law-abiding amusement park employee!

Oh so also the movie “Big” with Tom Hanks was filmed at Rye Playland! This is not the same Zoltar that was in the movie though. The original “Zoltar Speaks” machine used in the movie was a special film prop rather than an actual permanent park attraction at the time. However, because of the movie’s legacy, an official modern Zoltar machine now sits in the park. (Thanks AI overview :/)

This is the carousel that pissed Chooch off so badly because the attendant walked around slowly, making sure everyone (even the adults) had their seatbelt on and then proceeded to slowly buckle all the vacant horses. We sat there for like 10 minutes before he finally started the damn thing.

Stupid ass Henry couldn’t ride this since he refused to get a wristband so he attempted to take his own carouselfie and completely cut Chooch out of it.

This is probably the one that Chooch would prefer us to hang on the carouselfie wall though LOL.

Look, I had all the time in the world to take these pictures as we sat there rotting on unmoving horses.

OK Part 2 forthcoming.

OK that’s mean—Adventureland wasn’t THAT bad but it was really small with very little to do. I don’t know why I had been clamoring to visit this place for years, but I finally got my wish, I guess. We left the hotel in Coney Island around 9am on Saturday, August 1st and drove the 90-ish minutes to wherever this place is on Long Island. Farmington or something?

East Farmingdale! Look at me, using Google.

I don’t have much to say about this place so this will be mostly a photo dump.

Oh! We parked next to a van from some Korean church and quickly realized that there was a Korean church group there that day so that was exciting for me!

Aside from that, it was not crowded at all for a Saturday in August.

Henry was irritated because he was trying to take pictures of us riding this surprisingly aggressive kiddie coaster but OTHER MOMS WERE ENCROACHING UPON HIM because they too wanted pictures of their children lol. This was one of 3 coaster credits that the park had to offer—well, technically 4 but their newest coaster is SBNO (standing but not operating) because there was an accident in June — it got stuck and a bunch of kids were stranded for like 4 hours. Neither Chooch nor I cared much because it’s not really something that we would consider a coaster anyway and looked kind of dumb.

As a darkride enthusiast first and foremost, I was excited for this Haunted Mansion thing with suspended cars but it was kind of lame and not memorable.

Chooch had to ride by himself. I don’t think he cared, lol.

I liked this part where the track came outside but other than that, it was 1980s K-mart caliber Halloween decorations.

I already talked about this boat ride in the VACATION INJURIES recap post, but here are more pictures because I truly feel like this was the best goddamn ride in the park. It was surprisingly thrilling!

I look ugly but at least not fat.

Had to get this Adventureland beer, of which I could only drink a few sips because it was only noon and like 100 degrees, plus I had a headache because I’m pretty sure I was dehydrated and should have been drinking water and not A BEER. Henry happily finished it for me and then had to carry the empty can around the rest of the time because I needed to keep the label for my vacation journal #DORKUSMCGEE

It was really good though and I wish I could have finished it on my own!

I also had a CHURRO which I never get but felt super inspired on this day and you know what? It was a basic churro like the kind the pretzel place at Century III Mall used to sell but IT HIT THE SPOT as the elderlies say when they get a cup of pickled beets at the buffet.

I don’t know if this was a bachelorette party or what but these bitches dressed as Guy Fieri was random and funny. Not hilarious, but I smiled.

Most of them took their wigs off which was lame Commit to the bit or go home, you know? If I had been the leader of this group, the wigs would have stayed the fuck on all day.

I didn’t like this carouselfie so I made them ride it again later and Henry was in charge of the picture-taking. They were both mad at me but it was STILL MY BIRTHDAY so they weren’t at liberty to express their displeasure with me and had to communicate it to each other through intense eye movements behind my back YES I COULD FEEL IT.

I loved Chooch’s cat, lol.

I made Chooch ride the balloons and he was annoyed but was unable to say no since it was STILL MY BIRTHDAY.

Probably complaining to his friends about me. TOO BAD THEY LIKE MY INSTAGRAM POSTS and think I’M COOL.

Fireball was the third stupid credit but it was being repaired for the first 2 hours we were there AND I REFUSED TO LEAVE until we got to ride it. I was stalking the fuck out of it and kept begging Henry to ask if it was going to open but he was like I AM NOT ASKING WHILE THE MAINTENANCE MEN ARE ACTIVELY WORKING ON IT THAT’S ANNOYING TO THEM!!

Wow, OK sorry I didn’t know he was a member of the theme park maintenance union and gets their monthly GRIEVANCES newsletter.

Ew, lol.

Oh I should note that Henry had no choice but to get a wristband for this place so he rode FOUR THINGS:

• the spinny coaster
• the dark ride
• the carousel
• the train

Henry really out there living large.

We even rode the swings while waiting for Fireball to open. Some old man was riding it every time I looked over and he was riding it when we went on too! Made me think of my precious Stanley of Kennywood’s Swingshot fame.

I kept yelling at Chooch to put his dumb Carrot crocs in sports mode before the swings started but he REFUSED.

ON MY BIRTHDAY!!

He was like, “THESE SHOES ARE NOT COMING OFF MY FEET, TRUST ME.”

I was having sweaty flashbacks to the time I was a kid and my sandal flew off on the Paratroopers at Kennywood and the ride operator was screaming at me afterward and made me cry so Amy Lackzo’s mom SCREAMED BACK AT HER.

Yeah, GET HER GIRL!

I mean, ma’am.

Mrs. Laczko.

I couldn’t ride this because my head hurt so fucking bad and Henry wouldn’t get me aspirin!!! What a great fucking caretaker he is.

I was excited because of the Korean church people were on the train with us and one of them was counting down in Korean before taking a selfie with her children and it was music to my ears.

Yeah but “Adventureland” was filmed at Kennywood!!!

Also I just realized the Chaka Khan reference up there, a day after the Chaka Khan subway concert!

The way I bided my time, you guys. Normal people were like, “Oh, it’s not running right now we will go ride something else like normies” while I was lurched forward on a bench, PANTING over this fucking thing. WRINGING MY HANDS. So stressed.

Eventually, they sent a test car through, and then one of the bored ride attendants grudgingly pocketed his phone, walked down to the entrance, MOVED THE GARBAGE CAN BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE, and then walked back to the station WITH NO FANFARE.

But I saw it and yelled, “RUN!!!!” to Chooch who walked like a NORMIE, like a FUCKING GENERAL POP, while I flailed full speed to the entrance before anyone else had a chance to notice that it was open now.

AND GOOD THING TOO because as soon as Chooch and me got belted into the first car, people started pointing and jogging over. THE LINE WAS LONG BY THE TIME WE GOT OFF because the thru-put of this type of coaster is so low.

The whole time we were on this boring-ass ride, I was gloating and yelling, “FIRST!!” like anyone gave a shit when in actuality they were happy we went first, little fucking guinea pigs. Test that ride out for us, dum-dums, they were probably saying.

This was 100% not worth the wait if you’re not a thoosie but!! If you collect credits, it’s a cool one because this is the only coaster of this model in North America.

You learn something new from me all of the time, admit it. Admit that you tell your dentist and pastor and census taker these SUPER COOL facts that you collect from my blog.

(Are census takers still a thing? I tried to be one years ago and never got called back. Probably because they made us take A TEST in the library and it had math problems on it!!!)

OK, I truly think that was all that happened. We got that credit re-rode Turbulence (it was an OK coaster) and then headed out to the next and last park of the weekend birthday trip!

I bought myself a plastic 35mm camera from Lomography earlier this summer and took it for a spin on our recent trip to Coney Island—oh you didn’t know we went to Coney Island based on all of the stupid ass posts on here over the last two weeks? Must be nice!

Anyway, a ton of the pictures didn’t turn out because I legit forgot that I was using a cheap film camera and was stupidly using it at night without a flash before I realized what I was doing so I wasn’t surprised when I got a bunch of black scans back. Anyway, here are the best ones. Please do enjoy yourself and don’t slam the door too hard on your way out.

Ew why is Henry standing so worm-y!?

This was a house on the street where we ate breakfast at Milk & Honey.

I don’t recall giving Henry permission to use my camera.

This one is my favorite. This camera was definitely made for gritty city photography.

On the Wonder Wheel! Wearing my Johnnie Guilbert shirt that Chooch hates!

Bored on the tea cups.

My stupidly taking a picture of fireworks from the teacups and expecting it to turn out, LOL.

OK that’s all. This was just using the pre-loaded film that came with the camera so I’m going to play around with different / better films. I have a Mr. Negative roll sitting here that I will probably try next and ONLY shoot in daylight unless I’m inside shooting someone in the face with the flash on.

(Maybe this will be good for Riot Fest?!)

Chooch was obsessed with this bagel place that was at the bottom of the station near our hotel.

Brooklyn pigeons.

On the walk back to Coney Island.

IF YOU READ MY LAST POST, YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON HERE.

On the teacups.

Obviously.

Not paying attention to us riding the teacups.

The Charmera can only do so much, you guys.

And whoa-ho-ho-ho, here’s a bonus montage of us riding rides, etc. Mostly I just saved a bunch of photos as videos to achieve this. I am getting lazier and lazier.

After our chaotic pitstop in Times Square, we came back to Luna Park in time for some sunset and night rides. We still had two coasters to knock off the list in Luna Park, and then it was time to go to the Deno’s Wonder Wheel section for the first time! If you’ve never been to Coney Island before, there are actually two separate parks that are operating there–Luna and Deno’s Wonder Wheel. Both are free to walk around, but unlike Luna Park’s ride-all-day wristband, Deno operates on a pay-per-ride system, or you can buy credits to put on a card. That’s what we did and got just enough to make sure we could do all of the coasters.

But first, we had to ride this absolute piece of shit coaster called Thunderbolt at Luna Park.

Henry failed to take pictures of us even though he was STANDING RIGHT THERE as our car came out of the station and I was making the universal “CLICK CLICK MOTHERFUCKER” motion with my hands and fingers but he just continued to stand there blankly, holding my pink purse. FAILURE.

Anyway, some things to note about this experience:

• there was a full-ass extended family standing in a clump, with a discarded baby in a stroller blocking the entrance to the coaster. It was so weird! I was like, “Am I going to have to push this baby out of the way?” but we were able to just squeeze past, garnering nary a glance from even ONE member of the family. HELLO, YOUR BABY IS GOING TO GET STOLEN.
• I like that some of the rides here have a little “coat check” window type thing where I person sits there and you hand them your personal items in exchange for a number on an elastic wrist band. I mean, I assume this person works at Luna Park and you’re not just handing your phones and wallets to a stranger, willy nilly.
• Some kid was lost and an employee was walking him back through the queue line, BARELY calling out, “Is this your kid?” to everyone — he was probably the older brother of the discarded baby!!!
• Chooch and I didn’t get to ride together because we volunteered when they were looking for two extra riders to fill up the empty seats in the car that was about to be sent. I felt rushed because of this and as soon as I sat down, I SLAMMED my elbows down hard on the restraints. Just some pre-gaming for the pain that was to come!
• Literally, this ride was so terrible. The profiling of that track made no sense to me and it was jacking up my spinal integrity at every turn. I just yelled, “OW” and “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST” through the whole thing. Fuck this coaster forever. It looks so cool but it is the DEVIL’S SPAWN.

Lastly, we had to ride the Steeplechase ride. There were these two girls fucking CRYING behind us because they wanted to cut the line but their mom wouldn’t let them because Chooch and I had gone all the way to the actual entrance like you’re supposed to, even though there was no line, so their mom made them wait until we got to the front of the line before letting them dip under the railing. So they were like WE WANTED TO SIT IN THE FRONT AND NOW WE CAN’T.

In hindsight, and actually if we’re being honest, immediately after it happened, I hate myself so much for what I did, but I turned to them and asked, “Do you want the front? If so, you can have it” because Chooch and I always take the back anyway. But their little bitchy reaction was SO FUCKING ENRAGING that we should have just taken the fucking front row anyway because they didn’t even THANK US. Dumb fucking little bitch kids!!!!

Chooch was SO PISSED OFF AT ME, too. I was pissed off at myself too!! Why did I do that!?! I should have made them SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.

The ops were so slow even though they were running two trains and Chooch was still mad at me and my hair was a fucking rat’s nest.

Then it was Wonder Wheel time! You have to pay for this separately and Henry actually bought himself a ticket too. The only thing he rode at Coney Island!!

I was so sad that we didn’t get even a torn off portion of the ticket because you know me and my journaling habits.

The line was really long but then some Wonder Wheel guy made his way through the line, calling out, “SWINGING? SWINGING?” and no one was saying anything but we were like, “YES! US! SWINGING!” and we got to completely cut the line because apparently no one wants to sit in the swinging cars. Well, we did because we’ve never been on a ferris wheel with swinging cars before!

It was a lot of fun and also legitimately scary. That was some violent rocking motion!

You can see the track of the one coaster that was actually SO GOOD—Phoenix. Just a little family suspended coaster that can sometimes be super head-bangy but this one was so smooth and legit. I loved the ride attendants too because they were so chill and had their skateboards laying in the station. They also got us super hyped to ride it too and I thought they were just psyching us out for the traumatic head-banging and lumbar bruising that was to follow. But no, it was actually so much fun and when we arrived back at the station, they were like, “DO YOU WANT TO GO AGAIN???” and we were all like, “YEAHHHHHH” and so they sent us again and when we rejoined Henry I told him they only did it because one of them said, “OMG are you wearing a Johnnie Guilbert shirt?? YOU GET TO RIDE AGAIN!” Chooch knew I was going to say this and didn’t support it.

Henry actually looked like he was about to believe it though!

The world’s largest!!

I loved this iconic dark ride! But first, when we were in line, some man in front of us picked something up off the ground and then asked me, “Did you drop this?” It was a $100 bill! I said, “Nooooo!” in a tone that was better reserved for someone holding a discarded syringe for some reason!? Like he was holding an envelope of anthrax??

Chooch was like, “WHY DID YOU SAY NO?”

Because it wasn’t mine!!!! I don’t want that bad karma hanging over my head on a weekend we’re going to be putting our lives in the hands of hopefully competent amusement park maintenance crews and ride operators!!

If I had lied and said yes, I would not have been able to sleep that night.

Although I could have put that toward my salon budget. JFC MY HAIR. This summer has bruised and abused it but don’t worry I’m finally getting it done this week. These pictures were the fire I needed under my ass.

LOL, this was SO AWKWARD. We only got on it because NO ONE ELSE WAS IN LINE. But as soon as we usurped the two front seats, suddenly EVERY PARENT IN THE BOROUGH was in line with their children, so many that they had to wait for the next train and it felt like everyone was GLARING at the two adults who took up two perfectly good seats meant for children. I was actually so embarrassed because the train just sat there forever, with more and more parents and children entering the line, it was just growing longer and longer and I was desperate for it to just START already so they could all stop staring.

Meanwhile, there was a Michael Jackson impersonator working double duty as a Tilt-a-Whirl operator. Chooch spotted him while our muscles were atrophying  from sitting in wait for so long on the Sea Serpent coaster so we decided that riding teh Tilt-a-Whirl after this was a must.

But first, we had to go and look at our Sea Serpent pictures at the kiosk and it just so happened that the lady who was behind me with her kid also were looking at the pictures and I was like OMG, OH SHIT because I was in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR PHOTOS.

LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING CREEP.

Like the neighborhood hoarder recluse who comes out once a year to ride things meant for small children.

That was me. In every picture. Smiling like a deranged woman looking for a child to steal for tomorrow’s stew.

Chooch was like, “HOLY SHIT YOU RUINED EVERY ONE OF THOSE PHOTOS!” and the funniest thing is that SHE STILL BOUGHT ONE.

Actually, I’m kind of glad that I gave the most hideous photobomb of my life at this moment because she was encouraging her small kid to SCREAM AS LOUD AS YOU CAN even though the kid didn’t want to, so then finally the kid was like, OK HERE SHE BLOWS and by that I mean she was referencing the fact that she was seemingly to BLOW MY HEAD OFF with the force of her shrill AF shrieks. It was like military-grade auditory weaponry. I had an instant headache after that. Worse even than ANY kpop concert screaming I’ve endured.

We left the bubble of both parks to stroll the boardwalk for a bit (actually it was to walk down to the separate carousel that was included in our Luna Park wristbands BUT IT WAS CLOSED!!!) and we saw this totally random and exotic animal chilling with its person. I have no idea what this is—COMMENT DOWN BELOW IF YOU KNOW. (lol, comment farming)

This was supposed to be Milano cookie gelato and it was gross. Chooch ended up taking most of it off my hands (after making Henry use a spoon to scrape off the layers I touched. I AM HIS MOM AND THIS IS SO OFFENSIVE TO ME).

Not pictured because Grampa Henry wandered off somewhere with my purse and phone but Chocoh and I rode the Tickler again and some kid cut us!!! It was the only time all weekend that we experienced cutting. He was probably 9 or 10, and riding alone which was even more irritating because it meant he was going to take an entire 4-seat car to himself.

While we were in line, the fireworks started so I was trying to use that distraction as a way to edge past him and reclaim our rightful spots in line, but there was a group of Korean girls in front of him who were super engrossed in the taking pictures of the fireworks (WHICH I COULDN’T DO BECAUSE HENRY HAD MY PHONE) so they weren’t moving up in line and we had no room to try and squeeze past the cutter.

Long story short, he made it all the way to the station without us being able to cut him back. Chooch was cracking up because we were being so ridiculous and passive aggressive, playing petty mind games with a child. But you guys, why am I such a softie these days—when it was his turn, the ride attendant (A SUPER CUTE YOUNG KOREAN GUY) was like, “You’re back!” and the kid totally lit up and nodded. When he was sitting in the car getting ready to go, he looked so stoked and excited and then I looked at Chooch and said, “OK, now I feel bad. This kid clearly wants to ride this way more than we do. Ugh.”

OMG this cute little girl (and you know she was charming if I am saying that!!) was in front of us in line and kept telling her mom she wanted to ask someone if she could sit with them because she was riding by herself and kept eyeing us up but her mom was like, “Just chill.” I wanted to tell her she could sit with us in a car-thingie but didn’t for some reason, I guess I used my daily allotment of “being a good person” on those two spoiled bitches on the Steeplechase and didn’t want to get burned again!

But it worked out that she and some random guy who was also a single rider needed somewhere to sit so the ride attendant brought them over to us! I asked the girl if she wanted to sit in the front and she said YES with actual excitement so I sat in the back with the random guy. It was so adorable because she was chatting away with Chooch like they were old buds and he was pointing out that Xenobia flippy ride and told her that he rode that and she was like WOW.

Props to her for riding this alone though because it flips you upside down pretty aggressively!

We were over Henry by this point. Also, we were riding random shit at Luna Park to get the most out of our wristband before midnight.

I didn’t want the night to be over so I kept stalling and saying, “Let’s just do one more lap so I can take a few more pictures, guys…”

There’s nothing like carnival lights on a summer night by the ocean. It just instantly improves my mood.

OK. I’ll wrap up this portion of my birthday trip. Goodbye, Luna Park.

(SIKE! I have a photo dump of Charmera pics coming up next.)

To recap, we decided to take a break from Luna Park and come to Times Square for no reason and had a harrowing experience on the subway. Now here are pictures (both from my phone and my precious baby girl Charmera) and hopefully only a few words because I am so behind.

Saw this after the ANGRY MAN incident happened — is it BLOOD? An OMEN?

Chooch saw some broad at Luna Park wearing an I <3 NY shirt and it made him remember that he has “always” wanted to get one to be ironic? So we had to be extra obvious tourists and pop into one of the many souvenir stores so he could get one which was actually so annoying until I realized A DAY LATER that we were in NYC at the same as WAYV (part of NCT, you wouldn’t understand!) and they were also in a souvenir store!!! PROBABLY NOT THE SAME ONE but still.

Henry and Chooch are usually my good luck charms when it comes to running into bands/etc that I love but they must be getting tarnished in their old age because we saw a nary famous person.

Anyway, Chooch bought this dumb shirt and then went to put it on the next day and even though he bought a large, it fit him like a $15 bodycon dress so guess who has an I <3 NY shirt now? Sigh.

I was happy to be there in general, but I didn’t know that Henry had chosen Times Square as our final destination because I would have definitely picked a different area. Also, this was so spur of the moment that LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PLACE I have ever said, “Oh, I’d like to go there” over the last 5 years after seeing a YouTube video or Instagram reel was completely zapped from my memory so we kind of….just walked around with no plan. Like, in hindsight, we could have went to Chelsea Market!

But even though we’ve been to Times Square before and had absolutely no need to be there again, it was still fun to just be out and about and not in the amusement park bubble all day. Plus, people watching is superb as always.

Also, I was still playing the birthday card so Chooch posed for lots of forced-smile photos for me :)

I had to also save this photo as a video because the way Chooch quickly drops the smile at the end is the standard.

The Charmera was made for cities like NYC. I wasn’t even trying to frame aesthetic shots but Charmera gave them to me anyway.

Henry was very careful not to make ANY EYE CONTACT with these guys doing street dancing lest he get a double whammy of public humiliation AND swindled again.

I was trying to take a picture of this person dressed as LABUBU (I’m obsessed with them in case you didn’t know and have been asking for one for Christmas/my birthday for like three years and have still not received one) but Henry was all, “THEY’RE GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT’ causing me to photographically behead the precious LABUBU in a panic.

Cortis! I get happy anytime I see any KPOP group on a billboard that’s not BTS.

Anyway, during all this overstimming at Times Square, we were trying to find somewhere to eat that would make all of us happy. OK who are we kidding—something that Chooch and I could agree on, Henry doesn’t get a vote. Chooch wanted to go to some pingpong restaurant so we could eat and play pingpong but I wasn’t in the mood for games and it was still my extended birthday, so…

But then Chooch didn’t want to get pizza again, which is what I lowkey wanted…

We were getting close to the edge of hanger but then Chooch was like, ‘What is this fake Irish pub looking thing, oh look, they have veggie burgers.” I was already sold on the veggie burger, but then I saw on the menu that they had mushroom ravioli and you know what? I wanted that. So some old man saw us peeping the outside menu and ushered us through the door and up the steps to the restaurant portion of the Celtic Pub or whatever it was.

The old man ^^

Carrie Venmo’d me birthday beer money which I thought was so nice! So you know what? I GOT ONE. It was a Coney Island IPA! It was really good. Plus, I needed alcohol to desizzle my nerves after the subway scaries.

My ravs were pretty good and satisfying.

Chooch’s veggie burger, lol.

OMG you guys, the people at the table next to us were a nightmare for anyone with sound sensitivities and whatever the “aversion to the sound of mastication” is called—I know it but can’t remember and don’t feel like looking it up even though in the time it took me to type this just now I could have easily done so. I think it was a mom, dad, and older daughter situation going on. The daughter wasn’t offensive at all. She spoke quietly.

But the mom COULD HAVE BEEN JANICE FROM FRIENDS IF I KEPT MY EYES CLOSED to the point where I thought she was doing it on purpose. And she was so loud. The entire restaurant knows where they were staying because she kept screaming it for some reason. And then she was scrolling through her phone looking for things for them to do later, like ghost tours, and then she kept saying, “Or we can go to Greenwich Village” because so-and-so said that they should but she was pronouncing it GREEN-WITCH and I wanted to die.

The worst out of all three of them was the dad who was eating some giant fried seafood platter or something AND GROTESQUELY LICKING HIS FINGERS ONE-BY-ONE AFTER EACH BITE. He was sucking each one off so violently that there was a POP at the end of each one.

Chooch and I exchanged a GLANCE when it happened the first time and it ended up being the second trauma bond of the day.

There blows Janice and Finger-Licker.

I do regret not getting a grilled cheese and cheesecake at Juniors though. WE ALMOST WENT IN TWICE. But Chooch was being a baby about not wanting grilled cheese. (It was like the only option for us veg-dorks.)

Chooch had to stare at this large Spiderman ad outside the window the entire time and I was dying. He was so pissed about not being able to see the advanced screening because I had the nerve to have a birthday. SORRY I EXIST.

(He has seen it since then and only gave it a three on Letterboxd and said it was “just alright.” Or maybe it was 3.5, I can’t remember. That was a whole week ago.)

OH P.S. this restaurant was called THE PLAYWRIGHT. I had to look in my vacation journal—THIS IS WHT I KEEP A JOURNAL, YOU GUYS.

Passing by the weener again. The one great thing about Times Square is that absolutely no one pays attention to you because they are so preoccupied with taking their own pictures so I feel invincible there.

NYC makes Chooch turn into a 10-year-old again and he was screaming, “LET’S GO TO THE M&M STORE GUYS! LET’S GO SEE HAMILTON! I WANT TO GO TO THE LEGO STORE! I’M BORED! OOOH THE FAMILY GUY EXPERIENCE LET’S DO IT!” So annoying, lol.

Chooch was whining about wanting to go in the Pele store so we did. I was excited to see some Sonny and Haaland pictures but other than that I thought it was kind of dumb in there and said so.

“Yeah, I agree,” Chooch said and I couldn’t believe he was agreeing with me!!

We did randomly go in this…gourmet? designer? sardine store because the cool tins caught our eyes. Henry wouldn’t go in with us because he was probably afraid of the temptation. I actually did want him to buy some though so we could add more trash art to our hoarder’s gallery.

Then we went to Line Friends so I could buy some ZO&FRIENDS merch which if you didn’t know is a whole line of cute stuff based off of G-DRAGON’S cat Zoe <3 I got a plush blind box, a journal, and a pouch!

There was also some ATEEZ stuff too and I was so happy to see that this isn’t all BT21 bullshit, I do miss the original Line Friends though. We had gone a few times in Korea before BTS usurped it.

Jongho is my ATEEZ bias in case you didn’t know.

And then it was time to take the hour-long ride back to Coney Island so we could finish out the day at Luna Park and Deno’s Wonder Wheel Park. 

It was a whirlwind, but that’s the only way we know how to do anything!

Paul, I have been putting off writing about this because it sincerely upset me so bad.

So, after we spent the first half of the day at Luna Park and then rested a bit at the hotel, we walked to the nearest train station so we could go into Manhattan. However, the one we needed to get had a sign up that said it wasn’t servicing Manhattan that week until after 3:30PM because of track something or other. I stopped reading the sign. The alternative was to take the train the opposite direction to Coney Island and then transfer to another train that runs to Manhattan. It was either that or stand there for 30 minutes, which honestly would have been the smart thing to do.

But instead, we got off at Coney Island and then immediately crossed over the platform to another train that was just sitting there waiting. This station is the end of the line so it was really nice to get on empty trains every time!

Anyway, we had JUST sat down in the mostly empty car when there was a really loud and angry scream from outside on the platform. Then the owner of the scream came STORMING onto the train. Two people were like, “Nope, nuh-uh” and swan-leapt out of train just as the doors were closing.

Wish that had been us, but instead, we were now stuck in this car with a RAVING MAD PERSON who was screaming literal death threats at someone we couldn’t see. I don’t think he was on the phone. I think he was having an actual psychotic break.

There were two older men who were sitting near him and, after exchanging a look, got up and walked to the other side of the car. This left NO BUFFER between Mr. Manifesto and us. On the other side of us were maybe 10 other people. I kept making eye contact with a woman sitting cattycorner from Henry who had the misfortune of FACING the man. None of us made a move.  And at this point, after jumping reflectively each time he PUNCHED THE SIDE OF THE CAR WITH HIS BARE FIST, I was afraid of calling attention to myself by trying to move further into the car.

He also had a backpack which is never a scary thing. Nope, we’re not scared of screaming, furious men with backpacks.

I will say that he was a man of a certain religion based on his attire, and white, but from what I could piece together his raging didn’t seem religiously motivated, unless he was accusing Mother Mary of fucking someone else. Because that seemed to be the impetus here—someone had cheated on him and he was going to burn their fucking house down, kill them, kill himself, burn it all.

It was this, over and over again, while he paced up and down, back and forth, picked up his backpack, slammed his backpack onto the floor, punched the metal wall.

There was an MTA worker who kept a watchful eye on the situation from the window in between our car and the next, but like…was she calling the police? What was going to happen? My pulse was off the charts. Henry and I held eye contact from across the car and all I could think was, “Is this it? Is this how we die? Are we all going to be killed because I just HAD to come here for my birthday? I dragged them to Brooklyn and now we’re going to get gunned down?”

Of-fucking-course this train had ZERO STOPS for what felt like 15 minutes. I was staring out of the window  next to Henry’s head, thinking over and over inside of my head, “PLEASE DON’T KILL US, PLEASE DON’T KILL US, PLEASE DON’T HAVE A GUN. OR A KNIFE. OR A BOMB.”

OK look, pretend like Chooch is bigger than me or that this was 2016. My Mom Brain still pictures him as a 10-year-old.

This man NEVER STOPPED. I was jolted out of my cower from yet another loud punch or aggressive hurl of his backpack, like a kid hiding in their room from an alcoholic parent. (I always go right to that analogy even though my parents aren’t alcoholics but my birth dad—who died when I was 3—was, so maybe I have subconscious trauma stemming from that, 47 years later. And now this HAVING A BAD DAY guy on the New York subway was triggering THE FUCK out of me. I’m not going to pretend that I wasn’t on the verge of tears.

I didn’t even try to set my phone to record because I didn’t want to make any sudden movement that would draw attention to us. For the most part, it seemed like he didn’t notice the existence of anyone on our end of the car and I wanted to keep it that way.

Finally—F I N A L L Y—the train came to a stop and almost ALL of us in that car hurled ourselves out of the door and ran into the next car. I canNOT believe some people stayed on, but those of us who escaped all shared knowing looks with each other while sitting down in our new threat-free car. And then, maybe 8 stops later, another person from our original car got on and all I could think was, “GIRL, how did you last that long on there with him???”

I have no idea whatever happened to him after that. I hope he didn’t actually go and burn down someone’s house. But you know I am not exaggerating when even Henry and Chooch were like, “JFC.” Henry wasn’t concerned that we were going to die though. “I wasn’t going to let anything happen to you,” he said.

“OH WOW SO YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR US?!” I cried.

“He did not have a gun,” Henry said calmly. OMG you guys I can’t believe I have been with Henry all this time and didn’t know until now that he has x-ray vision and scanned the man’s backpack from a distance with nothing but his bare eyeballs.

Once we got closer into the city, the doors opened and a man walked on with a fifth of something or other in a bag and a speak blasting THE BEST 80s and 90s r&b. It was the complete opposite end of the spectrum from that other guy and I finally felt my shoulders sink a little bit because this guys BROUGHT THE VIBES. Granted, he was blitzed AF, but there were a few of us who were seat-dancing a little bit because he was playing the JAMS.

Please enjoy these two short Charmera videos with extra shitty audio quality:

I kept hoping he would spill his subway hootch on Henry LOL.

Come on, though—CHAKA KHAN!

While the other guy was hands down the lowest of lows on this trip, this guy was one of the highest (probably literally lol). I wish he knew how much he improved my day—I was so sad when he got off before our stop! I will always think of him when I hear this song now.

I mean, in the end, it felt like we had a very authentic NYC subway/train experience. So, there’s that!

We had such a nice start to Friday! I didn’t want to eat breakfast at the hotel because while we have been to NYC before, we’ve never been to Brooklyn (aside from walking across the Brooklyn Bridge like a bunch of corny tourists about 7 years ago), and in case you didn’t know, Coney Island is basically Brooklyn (I think). So, before going to bed the night before, Henry and I combed Yelp and Google and settled on a cafe called Milk & Honey. We had to take the train there because Henry was all, “I AM NOT DEALING WITH PARKING” but it was a nice ride, + we got to see Luna Park from above!

Also, this is basically  the end of the line so it was EMPTY when we got on. Love that for us. I don’t mind taking public transportation in other cities, and we usually do 75% of the time, but I still get that sick anxiety if we have to board a packed trolley/train/subway/street car. I just feel like we have TOURIST markers above our heads every time, lol.

(OK, that’s in every situation when traveling — we don’t even try to not look like tourists most of the time.)

After about 30 minutes on the train and then another 5 minutes on foot, we made it to Milk & Honey. Since it was a weekday, it wasn’t crowded AT ALL but they did have “reserved” signs on almost every table so that was cool.

I picked this place because they had a few granola/yogurt type things on the online menu and I really really really wanted to start my day off healthily since we were going to be out in the sun, riding puke-inducing rides, and probably not eating the best out there in the wilds of Luna Park.

“Oh….you brought that stupid camera again. Great.”

A Greek yogurt bowl with granola, berry compote, and honey? Yes, please.

STUPID HENRY AND CHOOCH ATE AT THE HOTEL LIKE LITTLE ASSHOLES AND CONVENIENTLY WEREN’T HUNGRY. I was so mad! I picked this place because it had healthy options for me and also full breakfast shit for those two and then all they got was a chocolate chip cookie each plus Henry got a croissant. And they both got froufrou iced lattes.

I got regular coffee because I actually like coffee unlike those two who only like it when it’s buried under almond milk, sugar, syrup and whipped cream or cold foam. Sissies.

So of course they were just sitting there not eating while I was eating more and more slowly because that yogurt was a THICC BOI and started to feel scooping up quicksand with a thimble. I was actually so full halfway through that Henry had to be a hero and finish it for me.

(Probably thinking, “THAT WAS $15 I’M NOT LETTING EVEN ONE SPECK OF HONEY GO TO WASTE.” Actually, I don’t remember exactly what it cost but I do remember thinking that it was reasonable even though later that Henry, after a full early dinner near Times Square, Henry spat, “BREAKFAST WAS ALMOST AS MUCH AS THIS!!” Um, yeah, welcome to Brooklyn latte economics, my guy! That bill was mostly their coffee milkshakes lattes, not my actual food, BUT NICE TRY.)

(We still react to these things like we’re starving artists sometimes, it’s like ingrained in us at this point.)

I mean, it wasn’t the most memorable cafe experience but it wasn’t BAD. I should have got a fucking smoothie though since I had to sit there looking at them listed on a giant chalkboard above our heads, UGH.

I will say though, on the way back a group of teen boys hopped on with a box of donuts and proceeded to tear into it and it looked IMMENSLEY better than what I had for breakfast. It was a true I’LL HAVE WHAT THEY’RE HAVING moment.

From there, we went STARIGHT to Luna Park to get our wristbands. OFC there were only 2 people currently at the ticket booth but then we got out of line because my Apple card declined the purchase while I was trying to buy it online to save some money, because Apple thought I was buying dark web tickets or something I DON’T KNOW. I was panicking because we were NEXT and I didn’t have the confirmation yet so then two women and their 8 respective kids got in front of us while I was finalizing the purchase, and YES we saved some money it this way but it defeats the purpose when you still have to stand in line to get the wristband and now we were behind these two bitch-moms who were soooo granola and annoyingly using shout-voices like no one else was around. Since they were paying separately, it was two of the most frustrating transactions to witness because they both asked the poor ticket girl a laundry list of questions AND THEN COME TO FIND OUT that the one mom and her kids COME THERE “ALL OF THE TIME.”

Like, they LIVE in New York but were asking questions like tourists on an old person bus tour.

“We’re going to see them ALL DAY now,” Chooch mumbled.

Anyway, we finally got wristbanded and it was OFF TO THE RACES. We confirmed that you could come and go as you please, having a wristband doesn’t marry you to the park, so our plan was to knock out as many of the coasters as possible, go into the city for dinner, and then come back for night rides. It was open until midnight and I just really wanted to be there for the night vibes. You know what’s up.

Unfortunately, we got the top level of the wristband package so that idiot bitch Slingshot thing was included, and that ended up being the first thing we did that morning (yes, morning still!) because a lot of the coasters were still testing. Actually, the ticket booth girl told us that two weren’t even supposed to open that day BUT THEN THEY DID. A birthday miracle!

Of course, I needed to ride Cyclone before it got crowded there, so we made our way there next.

This was the best picture Henry the Purse Holder got of us UGH. I should have just taken my phone up to the station with me and put it in the personal item box, because then at least I could have taken pictures while we waited an ungodly amount of time to get on the damn thing and I say ungodly because it was one train ops and not even a full train of people were waiting in the station. Holy shit, the amount of time it took for the people before us to (slowly) unload, (slowly) pick up their personal items, and then wait for the ride operator to (slowly) allow the train to inch its way forward for our group to board, it was insane.

Also, we didn’t know how this worked so we squeezed by the group of kids wearing matching shirts (and then us realizing, “Wait, is this a camp group? Hopefully the only one…” figuring we could just take the back seat. No one else was congregating back there so I didn’t think anything of it until I realized that the train had stopped with the back row blocked. “Are we able to ride in the back?” I asked the girl who looked like she was 15 with our lives in her hands.

“Yes…but we load front to back,” she said, so even though we didn’t have a full train, we were forced to sit in the middle because when they say front to back, they literally mean, “no skipping rows.”

THEN! We had to sit there and wait for more people to come so they could send a full train! Thankfully, there WERE people coming but there is no way to get to the station except to go through a winding queue that’s really not skippable and these people were really on a Sunday stroll, you guys. Chooch and I were so antsy, like PLEASE SEND THE FUCKING TRAIN.

It was actually not that bad considering its age (built in 1927!) but it gave me a HEADACHE. Well, that’s new. Elder age indicator? I was in no hurry to ride this again but very grateful that I got that one ride in at least!

As soon as we arrived back to the station, we quickly realized that the kids on the train with us had a multitude of counterparts roaming the park—ALONG WITH A MIXED BAG OF ADDITIONAL SUMMER CAMPS FROM AROUND THE CITY. School buses dotted the periphery of the park while clumps of same-shirted kids milled about in different-colored droves.

Chooch and I both groaned, “OH GREAT!”

But you guys! Somehow this did not make the place feel crowded AT ALL. And they were all so well-behaved! Their elder-teen chaperones were doing a good job from what I could see. No line-jumping!

I think what I loved a lot about this place is that, being part of NYC, it was a true melting pot of patrons and it just made it feel more vibrant and festive and also? Less room for Karens and their entitled brat-kids who LOVE to cut a line.

Oh you guys, that is THE pet peeve at amusement parks. I fucking hate a line jumper.

That being said, let’s look at pictures of more rides.

The Tickler was probably the longest line we stood in all day which was a given because these rides always have slow output. But even then, it was probably about 25 minutes tops — 24 of those minutes were spent grilling Chooch about his college life, if he misses us, etc.

Thinking of infuriating responses to my questions. Also, he was proud to announce that he gets all of his t-shirts from the local flea market that happens next to his dorm, but he has learned to wait until the very end when they’re given shit away for free, which is how he wound up with whatever sports shirt he was wearing that day.

I saw some guy do this finger thing on one of the cars before us, while posing for a picture. “I’M GOING TO DO THIS FROM NOW ON” I said to Chooch, who mumbled, “Please don’t.”

But guess who kept slipping  up and doing the finger waggle also??

For some reason, Henry never noticed, or he noticed but just didn’t care to ask us why we were doing that.

OMG there are more kiddie coasters there than anything else and there’s no age limit so Chooch and I rode all of them.

For some reason, Henry took 87 pictures of us riding this.

I have so many pictures of Grown Chooch riding kiddie coasters at this point that I could probably make a photobook for him.

This one was a little more “thrilling.”

And then this stupid fucking POS. The only other coaster like this we have ridden is in Canada’s Wonderland and I am here to tell you, if you count coaster credits, just skip these ones. Truly. Ride the kiddie coasters. Go out of your way for the +1 SBF Spinner inside some random family fun center. But these volare flying models are actual torture chambers. THEY PUT YOU IN  CAGE FOR GOD’S SAKE. It is very painful, obnoxiously so. I don’t really have any other words–just that after doing two of these now, I am comfortable going the rest of my life never riding another.

Also, the boarding process IS SO INVASIVE. You have to climb up a little ladder thing, put your chin on a chinrest thing, and then the ride attendant has to decide if you’re standing on the right rung of the step ladder thing in order to have the cage close up and literally go between your legs. Of course, I wasn’t up high enough but I kept skipping a step and going up too high and she was like, “No, there’s another step, you went over it” but I couldn’t look down to see what I was doing because my chin was already jammed down against that fucking rest and meanwhile Chooch was next to me muttering that I was embarrassing him.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s a lot of labor and public humiliation just to willingly put yourself through a car crash simulation.

^^^ Here’s my face when the dissociative amnesia from Canada’s Wonderland started to wear off just enough for me to realize I made a big mistake.

Then when it flipped us upside down the first time, IT WAS ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW in the key of Celine Dion.

Chooch: “It’s not THAT bad.”

LOL OK! You know what, I take it back—I want everyone reading this to RUN DON’T WALK to your nearest volare model and then let me know what you think after riding it once.

Chooch’s dumbass shirt matched the stupid flying coaster.

Then we rode this idiot bitch ride which took forever to get on even though there were only 4 people in front of us because it’s such low capacity. Also, the maintenance man was called over right before Chooch and I got on because god only knows why, maybe it’s best that I didn’t know, and then he PERSONALLY checked our restraints and then was DOING SOME MECHANICAL BEHIND ME. I made eye contact with Henry who shook his head and mouthed, “You’re fine” except his lips mimed the “your” spelling of it, and I was like, “Oh OK, since Henry went to death trap carnival ride mechanic school online and therefor knows precisely what this man is doing back there, I trust Henry’s judgment and will proceed to ride this in good faith.”

I used this random Hipstamatic filter because I have it and never use it so why not now. Why not.

Oh yeah, also whatever what was going on, they could only load two people on each side instead of 4, so that was not concerning at all.

There was group of some of the camp kids who got in line behind us—they were the same ones we rode Cyclone with. They were stoked to ride this thing but then their chaperone came over and yelled, “WE ONLY HAVE 30 MINUTES LEFT.  DO YOU WANT TO JOIN THE REST OF YOUR FRIENDS AND DO SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN ALL TOGETHER, OR DO YOU WANT TO BE

SELFISH

AND SPEND THAT TIME WAITING TO RIDE THIS?!”

They sadly got out of line and joined her and some kids from the group who weren’t even doing anything!? Like, none of them seemed in a hurry to find something to ride.

“I fucking hate her,” Chooch muttered in his calm and collected serial killer tone.

Then the one ride operator was like, “LET’S MAKE A DEAL” or something and basically said if they wanted to ride it, [insert indecipherable bargain] which I think was something about he would run it on a shortened circuit. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s what was happening because we got to go around like 3 times and then suddenly it was over. I mean, not that I wanted to ride this any longer but it still was irritating that this affected us so I think we should have been a part of that discussion???

J/K it was nice that he did that for those kids.

I guess.

Even if it was during a mysterious maintenance issue.

Oh P.S. this was called “Zenobio” whatever that means.

UGH NOT PICTURED IS US RIDING TONY’S EXPRESS WHOEVER TONY IS!

This was like, my favorite coaster there too because it reminded me of the one in Tivoli Gardens that I screamed JANNA! the whole way through while all the Danes were like, “WTF IS A JANNA.”

Here’s a picture from the website. Curiously, Henry claims that he couldn’t take a picture of us on this because he couldn’t “see” us, and that there was “nowhere to stand to get a picture” but THIS PHOTO PROVES OTHERWISE. He probably fell asleep next to a garbage can or something!

Whatever, it was my favorite coaster there. Chooch thought it was “alright.”

Our last ride of the first session at Luna Park was this actually so much fun shoot-the-chute water ride called Leti’s Treasure that got us unbelievably soaked!

Ugh, you can see the track for Tony’s Express on the left :(

Chooch was so uncomfortable after this that we had to go inside the nearby Brooklyn Beach Shop where he bought new shorts and then proceeded to gush over how comfortable they were for the rest of the day. Literally he was so obsessed to the point where I suggested he go back and get another pair but then it was me who was being ridiculous.

It’s only a good idea when it’s his idea.

It was cool because that brand was doing a collab with Nathan’s so there was a lot of cute hot dog merch there. Also much better Luna Park merch than the actual Luna Park gift shop so I got some magnets and postcards. (Yes, I was a postcard psycho on this trip too. “WE HAVE TO FIND A MAILBOX!”)

As we left the park, there was this food stand with a good variety of Mexican refreshments. Chooch was sad because they didn’t have hibiscus thing that was on the menu and that his host family made every day when he was studying abroad in Mexico. So he opted for the chia lemonade, I got the horchata de fresa and Henry got plain horchata. We all liked it but Henry and Chooch the Economics Podcasters were laying out the cost of all of the ingredients compared to what they were charging per cup. That meant…absolutely nothing to me as someone who not only does NOT go grocery shopping (she says a day after writing on this blog about going grocery shopping with Henry) but also does not understand the value of a dollar. I’m the person who will interrupt to ask, “Oh, so is that a lot then? Or is it cheap?” typically followed by an awkward silence. Usually now I will just check for social cues and make throat sounds similar to everyone else.

We hung out in the hotel room for about an hour so we could charge our phones (and Henry of course immediately fell asleep) before heading back out to Times Square. (I don’t think I knew that Henry picked Times Square as the destination. “IT WAS JUST TO GET US INTO THE CITY AND THEN GO FROM THERE!” he cried, but like, I would have chosen somewhere better—IT’S FINE! WE HAD A GOOD TIME.) Um, getting there alone was probably the most….experience….we had the entire weekend. Yeah. “Experience” is all I can say about that. So, check back for that story lol.

Gah, Jodie and Tim-Tim, you guys know how long I have wanted to go to Coney Island. I don’t know WHY it took me so long to get my fat ass there but props to Henry and Chooch for, as usual, dropping everything to attend to my Birthday Girl Needs last week.

It worked out so perfectly that we could just swing by Philly and scoop up Chooch after his last class on Thursday (my birthday, bitches!) and that he doesn’t have classes on Fridays. So, no selfish impediment on his college education from Needy Mommy. (He was annoyed though because as usual he forgot the itinerary and had booked a ticket for an advanced screening of Spiderman for that night and had to miss it—if you don’t know this about Chooch, he is a HUGE fan of the Spiderman franchise. Sorry, Chooch! You can see that ANYTIME. Coney Island with MOMMY is once in a lifetime. OK, not really, but you know what I mean!!)

We got in around 7:30PM, checked into a Best Western that was mostly OK but had the WORST bathroom lighting so I felt like I was leaving the hotel looking a freak every time. Google maps said that it was a 30 minute walk to Luna Park from there, or a 26 minute subway ride (??). We decided to just walk and it only took us about 15 minutes past a ridiculous amount of autobody shops.

Our first order of business was eating. There is a very slim window before I turn into an asshole so we chose the first pizza place we saw and look—we are not foodies by any stretch of the imagination and weren’t looking for AN EXPERIENCE or whatever, but Chooch and I knew as soon as we all walked into a completely empty Pizzaria that perhaps this wasn’t going to be the best of the best. So, expectations were low.

I just got a slice of cheese and had immediate remorse when I tried the white pizza that I conned Henry into ordering because it was actually pretty good compared to the below basic slice I was saddled with. I mean, it wasn’t TERRIBLE. There are plenty of school cafeterias in the country churning out way worse pizza. Henry and I ended up splitting each other’s slices but I’m pretty annoyed with myself for not just going back up and getting my own full slice of white.

Still, it was a pleasant experience overall because we were all getting along, there was no attitude, I liked the grungy vibes of the place, and I had Chooch there to take pictures of me where I actually look like myself and not Jay Leno’s daughter. (Henry is terrible at taking pictures of me! I know that this is largely because I’m Queen Ugz but come on bro, use your words and direct me into poses and positions where I look at LEAST homely rather than something dragged out of the holler on a humid July afternoon after a rain storm.)

Oh look at my little Lomography half-frame film camera there! I used up a whole roll and anticipate 99% of it coming back as developed trash.

P.S. I had an eye doctor appointment two weeks ago and the new, young eye doctor who I instantly adored goes to me, “Erin, is your favorite color pink?” and with no hesitation I said YES with my whole chest but this is not actually true!? Purple is my favorite color! Anyway, she asked me that because I was wearing like 5 different shades of pink all the way down to my shoes and now looking at this picture I realize, wow, I actually do wear A LOT of pink A LOT of time.

He apparently still plays Pokemon Go. Not sure if that’s what he was doing here, but 9/10 times I nebbed at his phone screen, he was doing Coney Island Pokemon Go things.

This place definitely had a cool vibe. Just, you know, probably a tourist trap. Two people did come in while we were there to get pizza to go so maybe it was just a slow night? There weren’t a lot of people out in the park or the boardwalk either.

I like that the train runs right over it. Also, perhaps we should have went to Taoxi instead.

We weren’t going to be doing any of the rides until the next day but now I kind of regret not paying $10 to ride this that night when there was no one there. It was a station wait for us the next day but I wanted to ride it again at night and there was somewhat of a line—-not even an outrageous one but after riding it earlier that morning, we got a taste of the slow-AF ops so Chooch said, “No, I refuse to wait in that line, it’ll take hours with the rate they send the train.” Ugh, he’s more of a dad than Henry sometimes.

But yeah, even if you’re not a coaster thoosie like us, you perhaps still might know that Cyclone has a ton of historical relevance in the coaster scene. It’s a legend! One of the main reasons I wanted to get out there sooner rather than later because you just never know. Luna Park I feel like is “on the verge” of closing more often than not. Currently, it seems stable ever since the amusement ride manufacturer Zamperla bought it.

One of the Luna Park entrances! The great thing about this place is that like some other boardwalk parks, you don’t have to pay to enter. So, we were able to stroll around and check it out before coming back to do the actual riding the next day.

OMG Henry was obsessed with that apartment building in the building because there was some guy standing in the top balcony, the one with the light on, and he was dancing or watching whatever local baseball game was being played on the field down there, who even cares. Henry, apparently, because he was trying to use his phone to zoom in to see what the guy was doing and Chooch and I were like, “Get away from us, you creep.” I would NEVER do something so invasive!!!

NEVER!

Come on guys.

OK, maybe I do it less now than I used to. That has to count for something.

I loved the atmosphere so much.

It was the best of both worlds: the beach vs. a big city. I am so much more a “city vacationer” but so enjoy spending SOME time on a beach. I just can’t do the full week slow-living beach vacations. Not for me. I have too much energy and too many things to see and do! So Coney Island is actually perfect for me—I got to walk on a pier, a boardwalk, smell sort-of ocean air, ride a ton of rides, and then take a train into the city for urban stuffs. I was honestly really content and I think it was apparent in the way that NONE OF US ARGUED. And I’m not just talking that evening. I mean the whole long weekend. It was like we were a….happy family.

LOL LOOK HOW HAPPY!

We were on some pier with a bunch of old men fishing right before it started POURING down rain.

We kept goading Henry to get a hot dog from Nathan’s but he never did. Weird.

We decided to go back by subway (bro is it always called the subway or do you call it a train when it’s above ground?!?! It’s all above ground in Coney Island / Brooklyn it seems) because the walk there wasn’t too bad in the daylight but we are tourists and don’t know if it’s safe to be goofing around on foot there at night, you know?

I embarrassed Chooch by making him stop here for a picture lol.

UGH the first evening was so good. I mean, the sleeping part sucked because Hotel Henry somehow snores like 5 Home Henrys combined. Chooch piled pillows on his face in the middle of the night but not even that helped. Ugh.

Oh shit, we’ve been home for two days now and I am still so fucking cooked. It didn’t help that we also had a show to go to Monday night, and I hurt my back jumping and today I still feel so run down that I asked Henry to make me SOUP for dinner! On an 85 degree day!.

Happy belated birthday to me! 47! And feeling every year of it, LOL!

Anyway, the injuries I collected are as follows:

• slammed BOTH elbows down hard when I got into the seat for Thunderbolt at Luna Park
• sore thighs from being stapled on various rides
• wrecked toes from so much walking around Coney Island and NYC
• bruise on my knee from some weird boat ride thing at Adventureland (Chooch also hit his knee on the same part when he was getting into his boat!)
• kicked a pole really hard with my shin when I swung my leg over the horse on the carousel at Playland
• SEATBELTED MY FINGER on the same carousel because the ride operator ACTUALLY WALKED AROUND MAKING SURE EVERYONE HAD THEIR SEATBELTS ON. Even the adults. On a fucking carousel. Chooch was fuming—we literally sat there for what felt like 10 minutes before the ride actually started because the guy had to slowly walk around checking everyone and not only that but he was SEATBELTING ALL OF THE EMPTY HORSES, TOO.

OK but the injury Chooch got was worse than all of mine, in my opinion anyway. Of course he was trying to downplay it but here is what happened! Picture it:

Chooch and I are happily on board these dumb little rescue boats, fresh from busting our knees while getting inside

So happy! This ride was actually adorable!

After the ride ended, Chooch decided to be a jerk by trying to splash water on me. Except, when he turned around with his hand raised and splash-ready, he ended up smacking it knuckle-side off that metal bar.

It IMMEDIATELY bruised.

Of course, it gave me jelly legs. I can’t stand seeing even the mildest of injuries. I feel it in my legs every time. One time, Barb said this was because I’m an empath. Then, sometime later, I did a callback to that and she was like, “YOU? And EMPATH? Who would give you that idea?”

Bro, YOU did, Barb. YOU did.

God, I fucking miss her. Like, a lot. :(

Anyway, I convinced Chooch to go to first aid and get an ice pack, but every single person we talked to acted like the entire park had been rearranged that morning and we were given so many different directions. The one person at least said it was in the “City Hall” building by by the bumper cars, but she pointed in the complete opposite direction so we were just roaming around like we were on the lamest scavenger hunt ever.

Finally found it! This was actually on the second time Chooch has ever had to visit First Aid at an amusement park, if you a believe it.

(This was the first time, when he was just a little kid!)

He was super stoked to have to talk to the teenage girls manning the First Aid counter, like, “My mommy says I need to put ice on my boo boo.” Lol.

He acted like he didn’t need it but the Mom MD in me says otherwise.

Family portrait on the train, ice pack reppin’!

Well, I think this is all the injuries we sustained. Henry had no injuries because he did nothing but stand around, holding my purse. I’m excited to recap the rest of the trip, but I want to take many naps first.

Back in Pittsburgh and while I’m sad that the trip is over, I’m relieved to be back here with Penelope because I worry so much every time we leave her, and I’m also not too proud to admit that I have always overdone the itinerary in the past by trying to shove in too much and that three nights was the sweet spot for us to actually get along and not burn out. 

If we’re being honest, even THAT was a bit much since most of it was spent riding pukey thrills rides and janky coasters. Chooch and I were both crying like elders, we were so tired and sore. The only thing Henry rode was Deno’s Wonder Wheel, and then the train, one coaster, and a dark ride at Adventureland. And that was only because he had no choice but to pay to get in. 

Today was just driving back home for the most part. Long Island is only about 90 minutes from Philly, so that was nice! Of course we had to drive around looking for a mail box first so I could mail my idiot post cards aka the bane of Henry’s existence on every trip we take. 

I was just really happy to be together again. I think I am slowly adapting to not seeing Chooch regularly now but I can’t help but feel like everything is back to normal again when we’re all together. I feel like we’re maybe a little less annoying to him now too???

Hands down, the best part of the trip was Coney Island. That whole area was such a vibe. I would definitely go back!! Maybe not to ride the rides, but to just hang out on the boardwalk in Luna Park / Deno’s Wonder Wheel park in general, because both are free to enter and the energy is so good and positive. I have so much to recap and so many pictures, but I need to recharge.

I’m just so happy that we did this and that Henry and Chooch still go along with my dumb ideas when I’m sure they’d be happier doing something more chill and relaxing rather than have me (pantomiming) snapping my fingers and saying, “let’s go! we’re running out of time!”

Just checking in – we have had very little down time because this is an Erin R Kelly itinerary after all. 

We’ve been having a lot of fun and Chooch even pointed out that we managed to go an entire day yesterday – and we did A LOT yesterday – with actually no arguing which is a first for our family vacations. Maybe we’re growing up??!!

Anyway, I’m leaving this picture here of the first thing we did after getting to Luna Park yesterday. Usually this Slingshot thing is an upcharge so that’s always been my easy out but with the package we bought for just me and Chooch (Henry was being a lame non-rider), it was INCLUDED. It wasn’t even 11am yet and Chooch was like, “oh well I guess we’ll just have to do the Slingshot since it’s right here” because the first coaster we went to was still testing. 

Yeah, I had so many regertz while we were getting strapped in but the ride operators were so sweet so that helped. 

Henry didn’t get a video because he fails as Vacation Mom (I was pissed because I recorded him when he rode this at Wildwood with Chooch!!!) so I had to buy the $15 on ride video which is just me screaming bloody murder, muttering about hating Chooch, saying “ok this isn’t that bad” and then “why are we still up here though” and looking generally listless like a rag doll ready to bypass Goodwill and go straight into the trash. I literally could feel nothing after that launch. 

I have to go. Henry just got beeped at aggressively because I’m not paying attention on his behalf. Ugh. 

ETA: Now with video, LOL:

Hello from Coney Island! We’re winding down from a long day of driving so here are the pictures I took with my blessed baby Charmeras (I brought both!).

Vacation journal in the car. :)

We were early getting to Philly so we stopped at Madis for matcha and cold brew while Chooch was in class. This matcha was pretty good!

Henry didn’t like his cold brew, but he’s a bitch so who cares.

LOL this was after I went out a different door and he couldn’t find me.

CHOOCH SIGHTING!!

Chooch was embarrassed because I was taking pictures of “nothing special” from traffic, tourist that I am.

He was only smiling because he was laughing at whatever movie he was watching. Yes, he started watching a movie immediately after getting into the car. No, sorry—he devoted a few minutes to bitching about everything wrong in his life first (he lost his right AirPod, he broke his phone cord, etc).

Some bridge. I don’t know if we were still in PA or NJ at this point. Big apologies to my bridge fetishists out there. I’ve let you down.

STORM CLOUDS.

I dunno, I just thought this was cool and retro looking.

If you don’t have legs, you’re fine.

Henry almost wrecked on the bridge right after I took this because he didn’t realize traffic stopped. It was actually terrifying and he burned rubber.

Some gross ship.

I was trying to take a picture of this cute cat outside of our hotel that reminded us of Penelope but then he/she started to jump, lol. Chooch got a normal picture with his phone though:

Walking to Luna Park! We’re actually going there for real tomorrow but we wanted to get something quick to eat and possibly ride the Wonder Wheel at the other park to get that out of the way.

Every time Chooch tried to get out of a picture, I would remind him that it’s my birthday (and so is tomorrow and Saturday).

Bro, I remember when we went to Long Island for Enhypen, we saw Luna Park in the distance and I said, “That’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to it” because I have wanted to come here my whole life!

I can’t wait to ride this!!!

Then we came to some place called Surf City for a quick slice and knew it was going to be mid as soon as we walked in NO ONE WAS THERE but we didn’t care at that point. We were hungry and weren’t trying to be pizza snobs (although I did remind them that I had voted for taking the subway to somewhere better but no one wanted to do that, so…).

It’s amazing how Chooch is able to take normal pictures of me when Henry makes me look like chungus every time.

The mid pizza in question.  

There was some kind of baseball game happening.

Oh yeah, Deno’s Wonder Wheel park closed early because it was about to rain so we’ll have to do all of that stuff tomorrow. 

LOL this is supposed to be the water lapping against the beach, you didn’t know?

Then it started pouring so we had to stand under a roof thing for a few minutes.

Took the subway back to the hotel.

Well, that’s all for day 1, Charmera-wise!