OK that’s mean—Adventureland wasn’t THAT bad but it was really small with very little to do. I don’t know why I had been clamoring to visit this place for years, but I finally got my wish, I guess. We left the hotel in Coney Island around 9am on Saturday, August 1st and drove the 90-ish minutes to wherever this place is on Long Island. Farmington or something?

East Farmingdale! Look at me, using Google.

I don’t have much to say about this place so this will be mostly a photo dump.

Oh! We parked next to a van from some Korean church and quickly realized that there was a Korean church group there that day so that was exciting for me!

Aside from that, it was not crowded at all for a Saturday in August.

Henry was irritated because he was trying to take pictures of us riding this surprisingly aggressive kiddie coaster but OTHER MOMS WERE ENCROACHING UPON HIM because they too wanted pictures of their children lol. This was one of 3 coaster credits that the park had to offer—well, technically 4 but their newest coaster is SBNO (standing but not operating) because there was an accident in June — it got stuck and a bunch of kids were stranded for like 4 hours. Neither Chooch nor I cared much because it’s not really something that we would consider a coaster anyway and looked kind of dumb.

As a darkride enthusiast first and foremost, I was excited for this Haunted Mansion thing with suspended cars but it was kind of lame and not memorable.

Chooch had to ride by himself. I don’t think he cared, lol.

I liked this part where the track came outside but other than that, it was 1980s K-mart caliber Halloween decorations.

I already talked about this boat ride in the VACATION INJURIES recap post, but here are more pictures because I truly feel like this was the best goddamn ride in the park. It was surprisingly thrilling!

I look ugly but at least not fat.

Had to get this Adventureland beer, of which I could only drink a few sips because it was only noon and like 100 degrees, plus I had a headache because I’m pretty sure I was dehydrated and should have been drinking water and not A BEER. Henry happily finished it for me and then had to carry the empty can around the rest of the time because I needed to keep the label for my vacation journal #DORKUSMCGEE

It was really good though and I wish I could have finished it on my own!

I also had a CHURRO which I never get but felt super inspired on this day and you know what? It was a basic churro like the kind the pretzel place at Century III Mall used to sell but IT HIT THE SPOT as the elderlies say when they get a cup of pickled beets at the buffet.

 

I don’t know if this was a bachelorette party or what but these bitches dressed as Guy Fieri was random and funny. Not hilarious, but I smiled.

Most of them took their wigs off which was lame Commit to the bit or go home, you know? If I had been the leader of this group, the wigs would have stayed the fuck on all day.

I didn’t like this carouselfie so I made them ride it again later and Henry was in charge of the picture-taking. They were both mad at me but it was STILL MY BIRTHDAY so they weren’t at liberty to express their displeasure with me and had to communicate it to each other through intense eye movements behind my back YES I COULD FEEL IT.

I loved Chooch’s cat, lol.

I made Chooch ride the balloons and he was annoyed but was unable to say no since it was STILL MY BIRTHDAY.

Probably complaining to his friends about me. TOO BAD THEY LIKE MY INSTAGRAM POSTS and think I’M COOL.

Fireball was the third stupid credit but it was being repaired for the first 2 hours we were there AND I REFUSED TO LEAVE until we got to ride it. I was stalking the fuck out of it and kept begging Henry to ask if it was going to open but he was like I AM NOT ASKING WHILE THE MAINTENANCE MEN ARE ACTIVELY WORKING ON IT THAT’S ANNOYING TO THEM!!

Wow, OK sorry I didn’t know he was a member of the theme park maintenance union and gets their monthly GRIEVANCES newsletter.

Ew, lol.

Oh I should note that Henry had no choice but to get a wristband for this place so he rode FOUR THINGS:

• the spinny coaster
• the dark ride
• the carousel
• the train

Henry really out there living large.

We even rode the swings while waiting for Fireball to open. Some old man was riding it every time I looked over and he was riding it when we went on too! Made me think of my precious Stanley of Kennywood’s Swingshot fame.

I kept yelling at Chooch to put his dumb Carrot crocs in sports mode before the swings started but he REFUSED.

ON MY BIRTHDAY!!

He was like, “THESE SHOES ARE NOT COMING OFF MY FEET, TRUST ME.”

I was having sweaty flashbacks to the time I was a kid and my sandal flew off on the Paratroopers at Kennywood and the ride operator was screaming at me afterward and made me cry so Amy Lackzo’s mom SCREAMED BACK AT HER.

Yeah, GET HER GIRL!

I mean, ma’am.

Mrs. Laczko.

I couldn’t ride this because my head hurt so fucking bad and Henry wouldn’t get me aspirin!!! What a great fucking caretaker he is.

I was excited because of the Korean church people were on the train with us and one of them was counting down in Korean before taking a selfie with her children and it was music to my ears.

Yeah but “Adventureland” was filmed at Kennywood!!!

Also I just realized the Chaka Khan reference up there, a day after the Chaka Khan subway concert!

The way I bided my time, you guys. Normal people were like, “Oh, it’s not running right now we will go ride something else like normies” while I was lurched forward on a bench, PANTING over this fucking thing. WRINGING MY HANDS. So stressed.

Eventually, they sent a test car through, and then one of the bored ride attendants grudgingly pocketed his phone, walked down to the entrance, MOVED THE GARBAGE CAN BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE, and then walked back to the station WITH NO FANFARE.

But I saw it and yelled, “RUN!!!!” to Chooch who walked like a NORMIE, like a FUCKING GENERAL POP, while I flailed full speed to the entrance before anyone else had a chance to notice that it was open now.

AND GOOD THING TOO because as soon as Chooch and me got belted into the first car, people started pointing and jogging over. THE LINE WAS LONG BY THE TIME WE GOT OFF because the thru-put of this type of coaster is so low.

The whole time we were on this boring-ass ride, I was gloating and yelling, “FIRST!!” like anyone gave a shit when in actuality they were happy we went first, little fucking guinea pigs. Test that ride out for us, dum-dums, they were probably saying.

This was 100% not worth the wait if you’re not a thoosie but!! If you collect credits, it’s a cool one because this is the only coaster of this model in North America.

You learn something new from me all of the time, admit it. Admit that you tell your dentist and pastor and census taker these SUPER COOL facts that you collect from my blog.

(Are census takers still a thing? I tried to be one years ago and never got called back. Probably because they made us take A TEST in the library and it had math problems on it!!!)

   

OK, I truly think that was all that happened. We got that credit re-rode Turbulence (it was an OK coaster) and then headed out to the next and last park of the weekend birthday trip!

 

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