It’s that time of year for the obligatory, oft-painful portrait with a wrinkled, disgruntled retiree whose wife makes him don a red velvet suit to pay for a HoverRound. I had been priming Chooch for this for the past few days, and he was fully prepared to march in there and demand Hotwheels and train tracks, maybe a nice bottle of merlot for mommy and some copies of Butt Love for daddy. We picked Blake up on the way because, well, a scene kid on the lap of Santa might be pretty funny.
We got there and Chooch was pissed because there was a family of three kids in front of us and God forbid, Chooch had to wait. How dare anyone hold Chooch back. I was annoyed because all three kids wore clad in matching Steelers jerseys. In case you didn’t know, I hate the Steelers. Seeing this was more of a monstrosity to me than those corny crocheted sweaters adorned with festive pins that blink and play tinny renditions of Jingle Bells. The kind of sweaters home ec teachers wear, you know the ones.
When it was Chooch’s turn, he balked. Henry had to push him up the plank to his sudden death. Briefly, Chooch’s face gets all contorted, his cheeks flush with horror, and he lets out a helpless wail. Henry and Blake calmed him down (I was busy being a deadbeat mother and stood off to the side, laughing inside my hands.
Blake was all ready to join Chooch, but then Santa told him to pull his pants up. Blake obliged, but it pissed him off so he came back and stood by me. I had to turn around because I was cracking up so bad. Later, Henry admitted that he agreed with Santa, going on to add, “He’s my son, I don’t want to see his junk hanging out.” But only because he’s his son. So if it was another sixteen year old boy, it would be OK? Perhaps Henry should consider a seasonal gig as Santa for next year. The extra money would be nice; mama needs some supplies for the meth lab.
In the end, Chooch acquiesced and perched on Santa’s sleigh (I’ll use that in my Santa slash at a later date). I think he started to understand the concept, that this was one of those circus acts performed mainly to make mommies happy, one of those occasions where kids get to make a small payment to the Mommy Carried Me For Nine Months loan. Yes Chooch, this is about Mommy, not you, so suck it up and smile for the fucking camera.
I like how Chooch and Santa both have the same posture, kind of like the holiday variation of the gangsta lean.
(As I’m writing this, Henry is walking around in his boxers, conducting business on his cell phone. I keep waiting for a Risky Business-slide, but I think he knows he could very well break a hip.)
OMG your son looks just like Randy. You know, Ralphie’s (you’ll shot your eye out!) little brother in “A Christmas Story”. I’m afraid I’m now going to have to request a photo of Chooch dressed in so many layers of winter clothes and scarves that he can’t put his arms down, wailing that he has to pee…
I can’t tell you enough how happy I am that you are BACK!
Let me see if I can make the Randy-shot come true for you.
Also, I started to tell Henry that you’re back and he interrupted me to say, “I know! I saw that sexy-on-8 commented on your one entry and I thought it was a mistake!” Then I told him you said to tell him hello and he got a little flushed, ha!
Aw! That’s a great picture! The kid is really growing up, isn’t he? Too bad Blake wouldn’t take part as well. Hehehe. =)
As soon as the girl took the picture, he shot the hell out of there, lol.
He’s so handsome!
maybe a nice bottle of merlot for mommy and some copies of Butt Love for daddy.
Oh Mother Bonnie how I love that magazine.
“Blake was all ready to join Chooch, but then Santa told him to pull his pants up.”
I cannot stop laughing at such an order from Santa!! And I must comment once more on the cool clothes you pick out for Riley! Best taste in little kid clothes ever!!
“(As I’m writing this, Henry is walking around in his boxers, conducting business on his cell phone. I keep waiting for a Risky Business-slide, but I think he knows he could very well break a hip.)”
*LOSING IT* As I did yesterday when you melted the pot handle!!!
Shit, when Santa said that, it was in a non-jolly tone and I almost peed my pants.
Our house STUNK all day after I did that! I mean, I could smell something unnatural when I was cooking, but I shrugged it off. Apparently, I had the flame up too high. Tolhurst!
“The extra money would be nice; mama needs some supplies for the meth lab.”
there is that mama thing again. :)
dude- how adorable is chooch!?!?!? they do look like thugs. but chooch also looks like he already knows he’s too cool for santa.