There’s a restaurant right outside of Rye Playland called Tiki something or other. We decided that we would just eat there rather than inside the park where the options would be, I don’t know, pizza probably. I had pretty low expectations for this place, figured it would overpriced because you’re paying for the waterfront location, but we wanted to have a sit-down dinner.

First of all, the hostess station was giving off the MOST unwelcoming vibes. The one hostess was being so dramatic about HOW BUSY they were but it didn’t really seem THAT crowded? While we were standing there, a server scootched past us and said, “Excuse me, ladies.” Chooch and I exchanged super quick eye contact and started cracking up because he and ESPECIALLY Henry could not look LESS lady-like but OK. At least she didn’t call me sir. Then it would have been way less funny.

Anyway, we were seated at a wobbly hightop with no view of anything but the bar and a tree so we definitely weren’t paying for the water views. 

My mood was starting to plummet quickly but then the server came over and she was so upbeat and personable and was lowk flirting with Chooch I think?? She said,” I love how you rock, let’s do it!” and said she was OBSESSED with him because he ordered some watermelon mocktail that was served in a goblet. She did warn him that it was like 60 ounces or something and he did hesitate but then ultimately went for it and her reaction was more on par with someone decided to go bungee jumping or to get some weird insane joke tattoo after doing several bumps in Tijuana. 

She was like the girl version of TRUMAN if you even read my birthday road trip from LAST SUMMER like a good little bog reader than you know!

So then we were all super hyped after that. I even got a beer even though I didn’t really want one! I also only drank half of it because I didn’t really want it! 

Chooch’s goblet. It was so big in person that it inspired the middle aged man at the table next to us to lean over and ask Chooch WTF it was. 

It had sour gummies in it too and this was Chooch’s face when I told him he had to let me have one because it was still my birthday. (It was August 1st at this point LOL.)

Then Henry and Chooch spent the rest of the dinner trying to guess how much the goblet was going to be since NO PRICES were listed on the drink menu (a common complaint based on the Google reviews I would see later when I left my own mid review!). My mom even weighed in via text.  I think Chooch was the closest – he said $25 and it ended up being $30, I think, Henry’s guess was $40.

I ordered a faro salad and it was so bad, you guys. I mean, I wasn’t expecting Michelin quality at this place but it was basically a heap of wilted lettuce (kind of a bad time for lettuce to begin with so that alone should have deterred me but I still wanted a dumb salad), like 4 servings of Craisins istfg, and a thimble’s worth of faro. 

YOU CAN’T NAME YOUR SALAD AFTER AN INGREDIENT THAT IS BASICALLY AN AFTERTHOUGHT? 

And then our server became moodier and moodier as the evening went on??? She actually never came back (the runners were handling everything after she brought our drinks) and Henry had to keep flagging her down for basic asks….like, napkins.

And she was giving him a tight-lipped smile but acting super huffy?? Like, what did we do!? I thought you were obsessed with us?!?!

Meanwhile, the bussers were trying so hard to take out plates away when we were still actively eating?? Henry said they must have a plate shortage. How do you have a plate shortage at a restaurant? Chooch’s hand was literally hovering above his plate, ready to grab one of the fries that remained, and had to say, “No, actually – I’m still eating” when some girl was like CAN I TAKE YOUR PLATE.

It was crazy. 

Then some band was supposed to be playing at some point. They sound-checked and then never came back.

Meanwhile, Henry had to flag down the server for our check and then when we realized the mystery of the goblet would continue because the check only had the total on it, he had to flag her down AGAIN and ask for an itemized copy not because he wanted to find a mistake to contest but because he and Chooch needed to know who was closest to guessing the goblet price, and I swear to god she gave him the biggest bitch face ever, worse than the time we were at a restaurant and the server was saying she was having a shitty day and Henry said,” Yeah you look like it” or something?!!? And Chooch and I were like WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT and Henry was like, “I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY” but it totally made our dinner so uncomfortable because she actively hated us and did the bare minimum for us after that, who can blame her. I remember Henry asking her for a straw or something and she stopped dead in her track and dramatically spun around to go back to the kitchen to get him one and I wanted to turn myself into jelly and pool into a puddle of embarrassment under the table.

Chooch was like, “Wow, why don’t you just tell her to smile more” and then had to quickly add, “I’m just kidding, don’t actually do that!!!” because you never know with Henry. 

Anyway, back to Tiki Beach – at some point we also noticed that there was a crack in Chooch’s goblet so Henry pointed it out to the server, like, “Hey, you might want to retire this goblet after this” and she was like, “Oh wow, ok” in a tone that suggested that she did not give a single shit that this happened. (THIS WAS PART OF MY GOOGLE REVIEW – which actually wasn’t even written in my Karen persona if you can believe it.)

Sometimes I think bad meals are worth it though when they give you something to laugh about because I can definitely see this coming up in the future like “remember Chooch’s cracked goblet” or whatever. 

“In the Air Tonight” was playing at one point and I KNEW someone from the table next to us would do the air-drum so I was ready for it:

Anyway, we went back inside the park after that but I had a headache at that point and Chooch was BORED AND MORE BORED and didn’t want to wait in line for the Dragon Coaster again so all we did was walk around and ride the Old Mill again. And get ice cream!

It was just OK. The sprinkles were the kind that are sort of soft and I like them to be crunchier. THAT IS MY PERSONAL PREFERENCE also do not ever call them jimmies.

Henry out there Ron Swanson’ing that cone. 

I don’t know, it was a very pretty park but not much to do there. We were going to ride the log flume but it was inexplicably closed on a 90 degree day.

“I’M NOT WAITING IN LINE FOR THAT AGAIN” – Mr. Important.

Oh one last thing to add! When we were first walking over to the Tiki Beach restaurant, we had to pass through the courtyard and there was a large family of—I hate that this is going to come off as profiling—what seemed to be Ethiopians having a picnic and their food smelled SO FUCKING GOOD that Henry and I both simultaneously moaned some version of, “Ugh, I want to have what they’re having.” And then after eating at the Tiki place, we were even more sad that we couldn’t eat what they were eating, fuck our lives. 

So, this basically concludes my birthday trip. We left around 9pm, stayed at some semi-nearby Hampton Inn for the night, then took Chooch grocery shopping at Costco outside of Philly the next morning before dropping him off and heading back to Pittsburgh. I was so sad and he was like YOU WILL SEE ME IN A FEW WEEKS GET OVER IT. Grateful that he humored me and joined us for this quick trip at all though! He could have been like, “I have 20-year-old things to do in college, hard pass.”

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