Apr 142009

A few weeks ago, I sent out an urgent Tweet begging for advice on how to turn ordinary bread into delicious cookies. The general consensus was, “Honey,just  toast it and sprinkle it with sugar & cinnamon.” This was no good, no good at all. “Nice try,” I thought, “but that’s just TOAST and probably the fanciest thing my mother ever made me for breakfast. So no.”

I was thinking about it again earlier tonight, and,  feeling particularly ambitious, I exclaimed, “Hey, Chooch let me enter the kitchen and bake you up some cookies, child.” And he was like, “Hold on, I’m inviting viruses onto the computer.”

Let me break this down for you in Pretentious Food Blog-style, because I want to make sure everyone gets to experience this culinary delight.

  1. FIRST, get out some slices of bread and tear it a new asshole. I used some sort of Roman wheat bread bullshit.
  2. Pretend like you’re making boobs out of Play-Doh and roll your bread pieces up real good. You can leave the crust on; I did. For some.
  3. Next, think of things that taste real good and sweet to you. (Preferably things that are not a part of someone’s anatomy, because I’m not so sure that would bake well and I don’t know any cannibals IRL to call up for advice. Unless Jeffrey Dahmer had a cookbook?)
  4. Once you got some sugar plums dancing in your mind, rummage through the cabinets and see if you have that shit. In my case, I pulled out the SUGAR, CINNAMON and HONEY, what what. Do not overthink it with measuring apparati! JUST DUMP THAT CRAP IN A DIABETIC HEAP.
  5. Roll your yeasty ballsacks into it. And now, roll the bread, too. Knead the fuck out of it like it’s the new sexual black dress of 2009. If you have to, think of the last porno you watched. Just get it done.

After you scrape the excess with your fingers and do some deep-throating, the bowl might look like this:


Oh shit, and at some point you should do that pre-heating thing. I wasn’t sure what to set the oven to, so I just cranked it all the way up. Like fast food, bakery edition. I’m unsure what # to make that step, but I have faith that you will persevere. Or have your purse severed.

6. Splat the accessorized balls onto a COOKIE SHEET. I didn’t do anything to the COOKIE SHEET because I wasn’t sure if I should use butter, oil, or parchment paper, so we went bareback for this one.

It might look like this when you’re done with that:


7. While you’re doing this culinary miming, let your child graffiti a dining room chair with Jesus band-aids. It keeps him from accidentally Plath-ing himself  or adding things to your Etsy shopping cart, like a Santa’s Workshop wall-hanging.


8. Open the oven after two minutes to see how glorious and glistening your bonne bouche looks.(And yes, I called it that. Out loud. Coupled with kissing noises.)

9.  Panic because the cookie sheet is missing from the oven; figure it must have been the basement-dwelling vagrant who thieved it when you were wrenching the knife from your child; realize you never put the cookie sheet in to begin with.

10. Put the cookie sheet in the oven.

11. Take it back out three minutes later because you have no patience.

12. If  your teeth involuntarily twinge and ache just from the proximity, and it looks like the vagina of Jabba the Hut’s wife, they are baked.


13. Try to dislodge the confections from the cookie sheet; note that McGyver might want to add hot-ass honey into his superglue repertoire.

14. Do not be surprised when all of your hard work and ingenuity is summed up honestly by a three-year-old:


“This is not a cookie. This is toast. I can’t like that, dorkbitch.”

Apparently, Jesus I’m not. Though probably it would be better if I used different bread next time. And marshmallows. Why didn’t I add marshmallows.


  20 Responses to “Making Cookies From Bread”

  1. omg, this post just screams ‘desperate’! i wish i could bring you some real cookies!! noble try, though!

    “Plath-ing” = my new favorite expression!

    • And pathetic as well! It seemed good in my head. Next time, I’d be better off skipping the in-between and just pouring sugar in my mouth.

      Oh shit, I can only imagine how wonderful your cookies are! :(

  2. I too enjoy your spectacular usage of Plath as a verb! :o)

    here’s something easy (if you keep this stuff around the house):

    pillsbury crescent rolls
    light brown sugar
    chopped pecans or walnuts (or no nuts if you prefer)
    softened butter (just leave it on the counter for a bit, or soften in microwave for a couple seconds)

    take a crescent and spread it out.
    slather with butter
    sprinkle with sugar (brown sugar is imperative — it melts deliciously)
    sprinkle with a few nuts
    roll up (chooch can help with this if he’s not too busy on etsy)
    bake in oven according to dough boy’s specifications.

    Voila. easy pecan rolls.

    james’ family makes them for thanksgiving — they’re like crack: addictive and delicious, and definitely not good for you!

    Risotto tonight — I finally have all the supplies, and I will not leave you in the dark!!

    • Ahhhhh! Those sound so good! And simple, even for me. Thank you!

      Also, Chooch demands that you watch Lost Boys now.

      • They are simple! :o)

        And, I will definitely rent Lost Boys for Friday night (my new official date night with my dvd player)!! No joke, I was just talking about it at lunch, when someone asked if I had seen Wonder Boys (not the same, apparently)… do you two have esp(n) or something?

        p.s. i love your food pics… do you use manual settings or automatic? any tips?

        Ally´s last blog post..Blue & Yellow

        • Thanks! I always use manual settings for my camera and low ISO. However!!! Technically speaking, I know very little about photography. I wing it, basically fiddle with settings until it does what I want. Henry gets so angry because I won’t read manuals. But they’re BORING! Put me in a field and let me learn my own way, you know?

          Wonder Boys was filmed here in Pittsburgh, so I recommend that movie as well!

  3. While I would love to offer up some Betty Crocker tips, I unfortunately am too busy laughing my ass off right now.

    I’ll get back to you!

  4. I just made some cookies and froze a bunch. I’ll send you some. But not today because it’s tax day and I’m not going anywhere near that shit!

  5. alright
    chooch is my favourite. What an awesome kid!



  6. Chooch,

    If it has cinnamon and sugar on it, who cares what it’s called? It’s going to be good. You think you can be that picky in military school? Bet you can’t like it there! Your tastebuds were detrailerparked the first time your Dad made you polenta!

    I’d have tried them, Erin! And I bet they were good!

  7. I’m not sure Jabba the Hut has a wife, but that is still the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile.

  8. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. My best girlfriend would love this. She makes something similar, I believe. She has a name for them…dammit, I forget. I’ll have to call her.

Say it don't spray it.

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