May 192009

It was all Alisha’s fault. She tricked us into driving out to Sharon, PA by boasting of this really fucking awesome chocolate kingdom at Daffin’s and some Coney Island restaurant that had like, the best food ever, though she wasn’t sure if there were non-meat options for me but who cares about Erin anyway. I agreed because I thought maybe it would be fun to leave her there, in Sharon.

And so, with Henry driving and Blake sitting comfortably in the passenger seat, Alisha and I squeezed in the back of our modest Ford Focus with Master Chooch, who was thrilled for the human contact. I had him on one side, pulling my hair, and Alisha on the other, jamming her elbow between my ribs. I spent a good portion of the billion-hour road trip wailing, “HEENNNRRRY! They’re hurting me!”

After pulling over in the parking lot of some run down factory where I took pictures of Alisha and Blake lounging on a run-down tetanus-laden car, we arrived at Daffin’s Chocolate. The “kingdom” was really just a wimpy display of a decrepit castle tower with a giant turtle thrown in the center to provide a weak distraction of the fact that it was less kingdom, more trailer park. And it stunk real bad in there too, and not just because Henry’s old and losing control of his faculties.

Chooch ran around the shop like a fucking crack addict, causing old women to gape in horror (some of them still had stroke-face after getting a glimpse of the very-pierced Blake, and that always makes me laugh), so I had to pull him out before I ended up owing Daffin’s my life savings. (But not before grabbing a handful of complimentary postcards; if you want one, holla.)


Alisha’s much-hyped Coney Island was closed (I thought Henry was going to kill her) but LUCKILY I saved the day when I spotted a diner. Henry and Alisha tried to ruin everything by suggesting, with no basis, that it was closed. Well guess what motherfuckers it was open and it was awesome.


So awesome, in fact, that it has two names.


A quaint brick and moss courtyard next to the diner. There was a river at the other end and I kept envisioning Chooch falling into it and promptly had Mommy Heart-Flips.


Thank god we were the only people there because Chooch was acting like a poster child for Ritalin. Blake eventually had to take him outside and then I remembered the river and had Mommy Heart-Flips again. I will not feel calm until I get that kid hooked up to a leash.


Chooch likes to spoon jelly into his loud mouth. It could be worse. It could be shit.

tableThis retro pattern made me feel dizzy, and then I started thinking about my kidneys.  And then boomerangs. And then clown porn. What?


Blake ordered every breakfast item on the menu and proceeded to stare longingly at the syrup carafe. For a long time. And Alisha spent the whole time looking like she was trying not to puke and maybe it’s just me, but I’m starting to develop a sickening paranoia about that. Do I really make her that nauseated? Probably it’s from all the LAUGHTER I provoke in her.

The women’s room was labeled “Dolls” which I thought was very charming. But then I became worried! Where would ALISHA pee??

Henry ordered wings and ate them like it was his last meal before succumbing to H1N1. The sauce-smear across his moustacioed lips was very attractive, like he had just went down on a barbequed street walker.

And then we left and spent another fifty billion hours driving aimlessly through Amish turf, where I started to write a script for a brand new television drama starring Henry’s eyebrows*, and became arrested by strong desires to relinquish the hold all these material things have upon me and join Team Amish, where I can don a bonnet, write with a quill and ink,  and have sex through a hole in a sheet. And sell my bathroom plaques to tourists from the Big City.

[*A few minutes later, we passed some weird building consisting of two side-by-side domes and Henry goes, “It’s a breast-stop, get it? A breast-stop” because it looked like boobs sort of (but not really) and it was really lame and no one laughed, but then I said, “That will be the first joke your eyebrows tell in their new show” and Alisha was trying so hard not to laugh that her face was all red and Blake was doing that high-pitched snort thing which means he thought it was REALLY FUNNY so fuck you, Henry.]

Edit: Srsly, I have 14 of these lame-o postcards and maybe you’re into collecting lame-o post cards, then you should tell me and I’ll send you one.

  28 Responses to “Day Trip Diner Action”

  1. OMG… this was SO AWESOME!


  2. Holy cow, I want to go there!!!

  3. eyo! wtf! weres all the shit about the animal masks and shit? hahah

    but yeah, henry is a class-a fucking clown.
    a real tit-tickler. mahaha

  4. Hmm..


    1. is up with the 50 million jelly things? DID YOU ORDER MUCH TOAST?

    2. do I have to do to convince you to give chooch a mohawk? his hair is 2/3rds the way there! It is a sign

    3. is up with that table? I WANT IT… and the Dr. Pepper glasses.

    those are my questions.
    Please bring me here so I can steal everything. I’m not sure how we’ll get one of those tables out of there without anyone noticing. We could dress it up and say its our “special” cousin, Clara and please don’t stare – she was born without things that many people are born with, causing her to be table-like.

    • Francopanini, here in America, it is custom for family restaurants to leave a slew of jellies on the table, along with creamers and sugar packets. And thank god for that because it keeps the unrulies occupied. (For five minutes.)

      Sometimes Chooch is ‘hawked! And I dye it with food coloring. Then Henry comes home and is all, “WHHHHY.”

      Now that you mention it? Christina kind of fits the description as cousin Clara!

      • much love for francopanini, first off.

        Secondly, chooch is badass and needs a mohawk. I think you should give him one. It would look so awesome.

        Also, cousin Clara is really very nice once you get to know her but you have to be patient. All her food must be mashed and mixed with windex so it can be absorbed through her formica surface. Clara has very little brains but unlike Christina, knows when to quit a sham relationship.


        Franesco´s last blog post..This again

  6. Firstly, I am glad to see I am not the only mother that stuffs jellies into her child to keep said child silent and happy in a restaurant. May I also suggest the small butter packets? Kidlet isn’t quite sure which is better and when they have both you’d think she had the fate of the planet in her hands.

    Also, that pattern is the same pattern I have on my bathroom counters. Only mine is a grey counter with white and pink kidneys all over it. I should snap a photo for you. When I saw your picture I was looking at it as if to say I KNOW THIS until I realized why it looked so familiar.

    • Yes thank god for packaged condiments! Chooch will usually amuse himself for a little while, making creamer towers. Then he shoves a thumb in one and it’s confiscation time.

      Your counters sound awesome! Take a picture, please!

  7. That is an awesome diner!!! Sounds like a fun trip. I once wrote a letter to one of those chocolate factorys thinking they might send me free samples or coupons or something. Guess what I got back? Not shit! Thanks for the laugh and considering the price mark-up when eating out we should all eat the jelly and any other free condiments.

  8. My kids skip the grape jelly and go straight for the sugar packets and creamers. At Disneyland the other day they were taking too long to make our food and drinks. I gave Gage a bunch of creamers and a straw to tide him over.

  9. “Henry ordered wings and ate them like it was his last meal before succumbing to H1N1. The sauce-smear across his moustacioed lips was very attractive, like he had just went down on a barbequed street walker.”


    I enjoy that boomerang pattern, myself. It’s old and funny.

  10. I am really into collecting lame-o postcards! Do you still have my address?

  11. Yup, that’s the one. Thank you!

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