My friend (or so I thought!) Kara is moving to a far away land this weekend, so she was gracious enough to clear a spot in her agenda for me last Sunday. I think it was only because Christina was visiting and Kara really only wanted to see her. It’s OK: Maybe I really only wanted to see Kara’s boyfriend, Chris.
The four of us met up at the Library, a cozy little restaurant on the Southside with lots of bare white walls that had me envisioning my TBA art show. The menus were inside old books. Of course the one that I got was the largest — big and bulky with sharp corners that kept jabbing my chest. It was like a fucking atlas or something, I don’t know, and naturally it lacked the actual menu pages so I had to steal the nice compact book Christina was given.
Just when I was about to start eulogizing Kara’s and my friendship, my lunch was served and my mind was completely and wholly arrested by the delightful shark-shaped pieces of tofu circling around a bed of seaweed salad.
I forgot all about Kara.
Always needing to be like me, Christina mimicked my request for an after-lunch coffee. I had to draw the line when she reached for a Splenda packet after spying me sprinkling the sweetner into my cup. I made her use sugar instead. A few minutes later, Chris had a similar reaction when Kara tore open a Splenda packet, and I inwardly beamed; that made me like him even more and I wished that Kara would have shoved the table out of the way and married him right there. Then I realized that he was mocking me. It took me a few minutes, but I’m no dummy.
Christina and Chris bonded over Amsterdam and video games and the similarity of their names and I feared that Chris was about to steal Christina from me, too. For a good thirty minutes, she was determined to move to D.C. so she could work for Chris. I was frantically trying to think of reasons for her not to move while she and Chris discussed things like background checks and drug tests, and Christina admitted that she stores her sister’s urine in a condom before consenting to a drug test, since she’s a flaming pot head. “D.C. has no lesbians!”, I could have shouted. “And no clean urine!”
But then Chris kiboshed Christina’s burgeoning dreams by saying, “There’s just one problem — I have no jobs at my company.” And then Kara told Christina that she just move to Pittsburgh, and that’s when the “Oh yeah!” light bulb exploded in my head and I realized that it wouldn’t have affected me either way if Christina was drafted by Chris and Kara, since she currently lives nearly 5 hours from me anyway; she’d still be just as far.
Apparently, when I was utilizing the facilities, Kara said something about me cutting up and burying any of Christina’s future girlfriends and I really wish I had been present for that convo because it sounds like it was titillating.
Outside of the Library, I pouted for a little bit about how Kara is abandoning me, just like everyone does, and she was like, “Oh my god, shut up. I’ll be back all the time to visit and we’ll probably see each other just as often.” I mean, I guess it’s true that Kara and I didn’t exactly have a weekly knitting circle or anything and that in actuality, I just use her for an extra body when I have parties, to give the illusion that I have more friends.
On the way home, I whined, “I miss Kara already!” and Christina added, “That’s weird that you said that, because I was just thinking about Chris.” I think she wants to be him.