Tweets go pink

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 13:02 Alert the media: I’m walking in a shoe. A SHOE. Not a flipflop. A SHOE. Praise the motherfucking LORD. #
• 14:07 I haven’t hit anyone with my car in awhile. #
• 14:23 On my way to have lunch with a friend I haven’t seen since high school. Nervously excited! Hope I don’t puke on her. #
• 18:31 At Halloween store, some dude was all DONT TOUCH to his kid. Damn right – that’s MY job, as I knock shit off the wall. #
• 18:38 Any bitches come to my house this Halloween dressed as Hannah Montana, they’re getting egged. No – punched. Parents beware, Erin don’t play. #
• 19:41 Imagining Henry playing volleyball back in his “younger days” & I keep cracking up. He loves when I make a mockery of his past life. #
• 20:45 Fuck, this weather is so good. It makes me want to set my porch ablaze with jack o’lanterns. #
• ***
• 10:31 On our way to Lakemont, trying to fix Henry’s hair while he’s driving. A hobo was dancing on the side of the road. #
• 10:33 We just passed Mistakes Motel, where Henry was conceived. #
• 10:39 I’m being kicked out of the front seat!? #
• 11:58 Just got A Look while dancing to Mayday Parade. I’m in the meanest car. #
• 12:47 Made a pit stop at the Mallocup factory outlet. It was anticlimatic and Alisha wouldn’t ask for a restroom, choosing instead to whine. #
• 12:56 Upon stating I want to walk down the aisle to “Easy Lover,” Henry goes, “and I hope I’m sitting in a pew watching.” #
• 14:00 Yes that’s me, the mom that dropped her kid out of the Scrambler. #
• 14:37 Just rode the Skydiver twice in a row because I enjoy torture porn simulation. It feels like Bathory just did a number on my thighs. #
• 14:39 I think Corey just spit out a tooth. #
• 15:01 People are judging me based on my socks. #
• 15:10 twitpic.com/hh4ga – WHAT?! #
• 15:14 Riding something called the Twister right after eating a wine slushie is about as genius as it sounds. I spit on @saucalisha. #
• 15:27 Corey made up his life-changing personal narrative in public speaking about his &qu ot;Uncle John” who “died of brain cancer.” HE’S SO MY BRO. #
• 15:54 Alisha: “Why do we always end up on our backs together?” #
• 16:13 Corey, regarding Lakemont’s mascot: “he kinda sticks out.” #
• 16:20 twitpic.com/hhh3d – Uh, I just got snubbed by a guy in a lion suit. #
• 16:26 Henry just likened me to a big doll on a stick. I don’t know what that means but it can’t be good. #
• 17:54 Glad I found a new boyfriend at Lakemont because I’m pretty much not speaking to Henry for like, the rest of fore ver. #
• 18:20 At dinner. Apparently only Corey and I are conversing with each other. Not tense at all. #
• 19:55 Trying to convince my son that a hug is my hands around his neck. #
• 20:41 I don’t want to go to the drive-in strip club for fear of it defecating on my image of hot naked girls going all Tawny Kitaen on my car. #
• 23:58 America, can we stop allowing homogenous bands like Theory of a Dead Man top the charts? Next, Miley Cyrus will have her own show! Oh, wait. #
• ***
• 13:37 Why did I just KICK A BALL with my gimp foot? Oh, because I’m mentally challenged. I deserve the pain. #
• 13:49 Whaled a ball at Henry. It ricocheted off his elbow and slammed me in the face. Lady Luck is not spreading her legs for me today. #
• **
• 00:24 Hopefully I have the foresight of wearing lavender on the day I’m murdered. Something about the purple/red color combo is pleasing to me. #
• 00:48 My hair is now the color of black cherries. I’m afraid Chooch will freak out in the morning since I was blond when he went to bed. #
• 10:27 do y ou love Mozart? do you love monsters? bit.ly/4fcuIL via @addthis #
• 10:39 Lady Gaga succeeded in bringing me nightmares. Which only makes me love her more. #
• 13:20 Chooch just sculpted a cemetery out of clay. It made me so proud I cried, wtf. #
• 18:44 I AM NOT CHILDISH, HENRY!!! #
• 23:07 Henry’s eating Frosted Flakes and watching Gossip Girl with wide eyes. #
• ***
• 00:44 All I want for Christmas is for Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson to have a child together. Set that shit up, Santa. #
• 10:14 Hay look @ the dumb! Bloglovin’ & Mozart: Do you use Bloglovin’? Well, now you c.. bit.ly/3TzhGn #
• 12:21 Had a very unsettling pregnancy flashback. I’m surprised pregnancy isn’t the plot of more horror movies. #
• 13:52 Trying to figure out if my latest compliment via Etsy was back-handed. #
• 16:12 Henry is one motherfucking mouthy hair colorist. #
• 21:02 Henry, getting pissed off while dyeing my hair: “I’m just going to dump this whole bottle on your head & Alisha will have to come fix it!” #
• ***
• 14:28 twitpic.com/hyffg – New hair. So tired of blond blond blond. #
• 15:52 Some ppl have astounding ways of showing me how “important” I am to them. #
• 18:48 Henry won’t buy me heart sunglasses. He srsly holds me back. I’m going to start e-dating again. #
• 20:57 Earlier this evening, I shared a cigarette with two 16 year olds in a parking lot. Henry was not amused. #
• 00:28 Best Real World reunion show ever. Emilee was worthless on the show, but she fucked this reunion up the ass with a fat drama dong. #

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