weekend wows & woes. 

Not gonna lie, the weekend peaked super early on when Chooch and I saved that giant moth Saturday morning. I mean, how do you top actual, legitimate heroics? 

You just don’t. 

But the rest of Saturday was pretty good. Here are pictures. 

I wore the new DGD shirt that Henry oppa bought me at Warped Tour and I love it so much. Ringer tees for life, amirite. Makes me want to go and remake Battle of the Network Stars. “What’s all the hullabaloo?!”

When Chooch and I were walking home from the aforementioned moth rescue, we passed Bob and his Corgi Spencer. Chooch low key stalks them but that’s whatever. 

“I don’t want to get involved in other people’s lives or anything,” Chooch started off very seriously. “But I really wish Bob didn’t smoke.” He was so concerned! I love that Chooch cares about people. Anyway, Chooch went on to say that one time he was walking by Bob’s house and heard a piano being played. 

“Bob said it was wife playing,” Chooch said and I don’t know why but I was caught off guard. 

“Oh wow I guess I just always figured Bob’s wife was dead,” I said. And then, “What if she is and that was her ghost playing the piano?!” 

Chooch started humming the song he heard being played by Bob’s alleged “wife,” and I couldn’t think of the name of it. I guess Bob had told Chooch, but he forgot and was upset because he wants to learn it. 

WOW WHAT AN INTERESTING STORY. 

(Side note: all jokes aside, Bob is such a sweet guy. Even though small talk normally makes my soul shrivel, I will always stop for Bob & Spencer.)

We were in dire need of a new slipcover for the couch (maybe one day when I have cats that don’t scratch everything, I will feel like I can safely throw down on a new couch but until then – thriftier couches and sip covers it is!) and now our couch matches the wheelchair because I guess you could say THAT’S JUST HOW WE ROLL AROUND HERE. 

Later in the afternoon, Chooch and I sat in the car like dogs while henry went into Home Depot and Boring Auto Parts and we were so annoyed because ugh boring Henry Running boring errands. 

But then we went to the pet cem to visit the Original 4 and do some gravesite tidying. Afterward, we went to Yough Twist where I made a foul by chocolate-dipping my tangerine soft serve. I thought it would taste like one of the wonderful Orange chocolates but NO IT DID NOT. I was sad, and it was also extremely messy to the point where I actually made a bigger mess than Chooch for once (though, he had a sundae so can you even really compare the mess factors of the two?).

The rest of Saturday was full of walks around Brookline because I’m determined to be labeled as Verified Brookline Crazy, Kpopx with Henry (yeah boiiiiiii, he’s halfway-brainwashed), and just general family time I guess. 

Oh wait, I remember. Chooch has been binge-watching How I Met Your Mother so we were watching some episodes with him and he was getting mad because henry and I kept whispering to each other about the episode because we watched the whole series in real time, lol. And we ate chips and salsa. 

The next morning, I woke up and took this picture of Penelope before remembering that I was mad at Henry for bringing chips into the house because I’m TRYNA STAY AWAY FROM SALT, DUMBASS. 

So I stormed out of the house and went for a mad walk around town, where I found a WALLET LAYING ON THE STREET. the drivers license told me the owner lives right across the street from where I found it, so I returned it like the goody two shoes I am. No one answered when I knocked (it was 8:30 on a Sunday morning—I wouldn’t answer the door either oh wait I never answer the door no matter what day or time it is, never mind) so I just left the wallet between the doors. 

Saving moths and returning lost wallets – this is the life of the Brookline Vigilante. 

I think I need a cape. 

I rode the wave of Good Samaritanism all the way home (as opposed to the usual Crude Satanism) and peacefully watched an episode of Goblin. Everyone was happy that I was happy. 

Believe me. 

Later in the afternoon, we visited Patty at the nursing facility. It’s always nice to see Patty! We sat out on the patio and had a nice conversation with fellow resident Kevin. We told them about our heroic moth-saving episode and Kevin said it made him have the Mothra song stuck in his head. 

YES. 

And then Kevin said something about someone being a great entertainer and Chooch cried, “That’s it! ‘The Entertainer’!” And then he sighed a deep breath of relief because trying to remember the name of the song Bob’s dead wife has been damned to play for eternity was clearly driving him mad.

See? All my super lame stories tie together eventually. Except when they don’t. 

ISNT THIS A CUTE PATIO?

We eventually had to say goodbye to Patty because it was well past our scheduled afternoon feeding and I could feel myself getting woozy. (#HungerDramatics) We decided to eat right down the street from Patty at a semi-vegetarian joint called Milky Way. It was nothing fancy, just a pizza/sandwich shop where you order at the counter. I dislike places like that because I prefer full service, but we were super hungry and I was trying to be “easy-going” and “agreeable.”

Yeah I know right. 

Chooch managed to order his food without incident mostly because all he had to say was #3 and no when asked if he wanted cheese on it. 

When it was my turn, I received a blank look from the little ginger troll across the counter, and I had to physically point at the menu to prove to her that “whole wheat” was an option for the faux-chicken pesto wrap I ordered. 

I was slightly annoyed by this but was willing to move on because I just wanted to put a pesto-thing in my mouth. 

But then it was Henry’s turn to order and this is where things went south. He ordered a calzone, which seems simple enough. Like even a bimbo on the first day of the job could figure out how to scribble this one down on the pad. 

Henry said he wanted cheese, mushrooms, and hot peppers. 

She asked “red or green?”

Henry answered neither red nor green and instead said, “I want hot peppers.” He even took a page out of my book and pointed to the menu where it said HOT PEPPERS and she was like *blank*.

So Henry asked, “Don’t you have hot peppers?” Thankfully the cook overheard and came over to defuse the situation. It ended with Henry happily getting jalapeños and then walking away to grab a water out of the cooler. 

“What else do you want?” The Crimson Cooze asked as he walked away. 

“That’s it for the calzone,” he called over his shoulder, “and then just this water.”

I forgot to mention that Henry spoke this part of his order IN TONGUES because this bitch scrunched up her acne-laden face and said, “WHAT?! Whaaaaat?” 

FIVE TIMES SHE SAID THIS. How can I explain the tone….like a teenage twat not liking something her parents are telling her. This one monosyllabic word dragged out slowly and with exaggerated confusion, with derision and little bitch girl snottiness.  It was like Henry had a learning disability and she was utterly disgusted by him. It was the same way I would say “what??” if Henry was trying to talk about bands he knows nothing about, like boy you stay in your corner and let the big kids talk about music, lolkay?

It was like that. 

The look on her face, OMG. I was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER while she was spitting out these sickening “What???”s and the thought of lurching over the counter and scratching the freckles off her nasty little face was sounding like the best idea I ever had. 

“Wow, RUDE,” I said but she was too focused on Henry’s CONFUSING calzone order to notice. Henry had to RE-ORDER his calzone because she couldn’t grasp the idea of someone only getting THREE ingredients when the menu says you can order UP TO FOUR. So he was basically bullied into choosing a fourth ingredient while I was saying, “Fuck this shit hole, let’s just leave. We should just leave. I want to leave” But NOPE – Henry had to go and pay the dumb bitch so now we were stuck eating their cunty food. 

BUT DONT YOU FRET – I stared at that ginger bitch the whole time we were there and then wrote bad review on Yelp calling her out and I hope she gets fired. 

“The difference between you and me is that I can forgive,” Henry said around a mouthful of 4-ingredient calzone. 

“Oh I’ll never forgive her. I hope she rots. Dumb bitch. I hope she falls naked on a rake.” 
I can still see her puckered-up, indignant, sanctimonious, fug-face. GOD HELP ME. 

I was telling Glenn and Todd about it this morning and Glenn was all, “Hell yeah! Degrading Henry is your job!”

Like I know right. 

The rest of my day was half-ruined on account of having to stifle my rage. I hate when Henry chooses my battles for me.

What else…we went to Target and I didn’t get anything so then I was a baby about that until Henry put a frozen coffee in my hand to medicate I mean caffeinate me. I was mostly ok about that. 

I give the weekend a B-  

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In unrelated sort of weekend news that can be filed under “wow,” the music video for Psy’s “Love” came out today and while I’m pretty whatever about Psy, Taeyang is in this song and his beautiful voice is so perfect in it. He announced his first solo US tour and I want to go see him so badly in Chicago but the cap of the venue he’s playing is like 5,000 people and I’m scared I won’t be able to get a ticket. I decided a few weeks ago to forgo Riot Fest this year (lineup doesn’t excite me and that trip always ends up bleeding our bank account dry—we are not rich people) so I HOPE IT WAS FATE because there is no way in the world I would be able to do both. And I’m sorry, but Taeyang over Riot Fest any day.