Look, we all make mistakes. My latest one was falling for some Instagram ad for this awesome looking tiger* coat that LOOKED like something one would wear outside in the cold, and the price was reasonable so I bought it and then quickly realized it was coming from China, so RIP my hopes and dreams.
*(The description on the website says it’s a Dragon but it looks more tiger-like to me?)
**(OK, I sort of get the dragon-esque vibes now.)
It took a month and a half to arrive and I knew before I even opened it that it was going to be a dud. The package was too small and light! Oh, that’s because IT’S NOT A COAT. It’s more like…a robe. And it feels like something you would buy at the Halloween store! Like Dracula’s cape! I had just finished sending them an irate, increasingly ALL CAPS email threatening to burn their warehouse to the ground, when I turned around to see Chooch modeling it and I was like OK FINE WE’LL KEEP IT. He made it look cool!
He wore it to his piano lesson yesterday (“I feel like this is something G-Dragon would wear,” he said, which made it even better of course) and his teacher Cheryl loved it. (She has a neck tattoo now?! She is even cooler than before! I love neck tattoos! Well, the cool ones, not the prison ones.)
Then we did a quick photoshoot which didn’t involve any arguing, surprisingly (between Chooch and me; I emasculated Henry for a good seven minutes straight, don’t worry.
It’s an empty bottle guys. I think it might even the same bottle that was there when we took pictures at this same location 2 years ago so you can go ahead and put down that phone now.
I’m so mad this isn’t a legit coat! I’d have fucking worn it everyday. But as it is now, Chooch likes to throw it on (along with a gas mask) when he hears Blake and Haley going outside to smoke NO NOT BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO SMOKE WITH THEM PUT DOWN THE FUCKING PHONE but because he likes to lecture them on how smoking is bad for their health. So this is like his uniform for that new role in life.
We watched Bird Box last night but Chooch wasn’t wearing his new “coat” during it. I was mildly interested after hearing all the DON’T DO THE BIRD BOX CHALLENGE warnings, but truth be told, Sandra Bullock is one of my least favorite actors in the whole entire world and I have been pretty successful in avoiding her for the last decade or so. But my mom was all, “You have to watch it! I watched it 5 times!”
So we watched it.
My spoilerless thoughts:
- What a waste of Sarah Paulson
- It didn’t live up to the hype in my eyes (horror is my favorite genre) but I did like it and it did freak me out and made me scared that this could be the future
- I’m glad it didn’t go the Cloverfield route
- S.Bullock was mildly acceptable in this role
This is also isn’t a spoiler but she had two kids in the movie: a boy and a girl named Boy and Girl. Chooch said he was surprised that I didn’t name him Boy and I told him I almost named him Orphan instead SERIOUSLY STOP CALLING CPS IT WAS A JOKE.
Chooch’s final thoughts on the jacket was that it reminded him of something that a rich man would wear while laying in bed with 10 prostitutes, so…a Huge Hefner robe? I don’t know how he knows about that. Go ahead, you can call CPS on Henry.
After all that, I texted my mom and she said she hated the ending so I was like THEN WHY DID YOU WATCH IT 5X.
PROBABLY THE SAME LOGIC I HAD FOR BUYING THIS DUMB GIGOLO ROBE.