Jan 132010


After spending the better part of this new year wilting under the spell of some unknown illness, I was so very ready to get out of the house and strap some old school skates over my Valentine hearted knee highs. Most of last Saturday found me spontaneously erupting with excited outbursts  like, “OMG skating tomorrow!” and “One more day, I can hardly wait!” and “This time tomorrow I might be finding a new lover!” What? Not like I’m actively looking or anything.

And then came Sunday, the official skating day. We had to wait for Janna and Blake to get here and of course I was acting a fool, pacing, swearing, running my hands through my hair. When they arrived, I could see Janna was in the mood to sit a spell, but I quickly ushered everyone back out the door and we were on our way to Neville Roller Drome, where Stacey was meeting us.

This was the first time any of us have been to this rink and it was AWESOME. Totally old school and un-fancified, just like I prefer. And even better – the Asshole Population was low. The rink was much bigger than the other place we used to go, at least based on my warped memory.


“OMG you guys, they’re playing my Justin Bieber joint!”

Stacey had read up on my retro posts and was not surprised when Janna kept flitting off to exchange her roller blades for another size or slip into the ladies room to do some blow. Stacey would laugh knowingly and then return to her desperate agenda of out-skating me.

There is just something so therapeutic about rolling across a warped wooden rink that even stale Top 40 songs sound Really Fucking Good. I didn’t think about any of that real world bullshit. Fuck bills, fuck the economy, fuck Jay Leno – for those three hours I was back in 5th grade with a blond side ponytail, white high-topped skates with pink wheels and rainbow laces, a Kids R Us sweatshirt decorated with puffy bears, flirting with boys at our school skating parties at Spinning Wheels. (And by flirting I mean skating past a boy and asking my friends, “DID HE LOOK AT ME? DID HE SEE ME?”) I used to live for those skating parties. “Heart and Soul” by T’Pau would come on and it’d be so intense. SO INTENSE.


We were prepared for Chooch to hate it, but the moment his plastic-wheeled feet hit the rink, he was like, “HELL YEAH BITCHES.” Henry looked pained because he was the designated training wheel, therefore unable to skate fast and free like his inner child-of-the-70s was begging.


Henry pushed Chooch down, derby-style, on purpose at one point, in hopes that it would dash Chooch’s skating dreams. But Chooch just laughed and got right back up again. Because he’s my son, and people that surf out of my uterus don’t give up. (Or in Chooch’s case, sliced-and-pulled out of my uterus.) After awhile, he was flat-out rejecting the steady hand of adults and even threw in some advanced jumps. That’s my kid – go big or go home.


When the octogenarian inside the music booth announced in his George Burns-voice that it was time for Couple Skate, I knew it was on. I shoved Chooch at Janna and barked, “Here, go take him to play a game or some shit” and then I dragged a reluctant Henry onto the rink, forced his hand into my sweaty paw, and pulled him around to the tune of some unknown country-cross over ballad. Even Stacey didn’t know what song it was, so it MUST have been as bad as it sounded. Henry looked pained, his thick brow all catawumpus and furrowed, stands of gray glistening under the disco ball-reflected lights. Then I started thinking about us being skating assassins and I couldn’t stop cracking up. I tried to invite Henry in on the joke but he declined.

The second couple skate was to the sexed-up tunes of some unidentifiable R&B track; as I circled the rink again with Henry (who looked violated), all I could think was that it sounded like a black Phil Collins. Thanks to the racy sax interludes, I felt like there was a chance I could be pregnant by the time the song ended and we left the rink. Stacey had worked up the nerve to invite Blake to skate with her for this couple go-around. They didn’t hold hands, but they sure looked happy….


….unlike here, where they were clearly in a skating coma. This was after Stacey attempted to raise the roof and promptly ass-kissed the floor. Definitely one of the highlights! I told her to just blame Henry, who was right behind her when it happened and I noticed this suspicious pattern of kids winding up sprawling on the rink with arms knotted and legs pretzel’d in Henry’s wake.

I won’t even try to deny the fact that I like that Ke$ha song, “Tic Toc.” And paired with roller skates and racing rainbow track lights, that song is THE ANTHEM. By the time it ended, I was like, “More! Again! One more time!”

After about an hour or so of straight skating, I yelled over to Janna and Stacey, “Hey, let’s go get a drink after this song!” But when it ended, the old man-DJ announced it was time for reverse skate and I was all, “Oh hell no, mama’s not missing this shiz” so Janna and Stacey, having already stumbled off the rink, hung out along the benches waiting for me. As that song was ending, I began to pass Janna and she yelled, “Are you coming?” but “Bad Romance” had JUST COME ON so I shouted back, “No, I love this song!”

Janna threw her arms up exasperatedly and retreated to the snack bar without me.

Let me just say that the ultimate Lady Gaga experience can be had on a roller rink. Possibly it would be better if someone had slapped an acid tab on my tongue, and I had all the Queen’s diamonds magnetizing toward my unitarded-torso, but who am I to ask for so much. Skating to Gaga for some reason triggered sweet memories of post-dinner basement skates  while Sanford & Son and One Day at a Time played on the small TV in the background. Those were the days.

Sadly, “Bad Romance” had run its course, so I very nimbly exited the rink with the grace of the holiest angel. Or Jennifer Aniston; she seems like she’d be graceful on skates. By the time I made it to the snack bar, Janna, Blake and Stacey were all sitting around a table, properly beverageinated. Realizing I didn’t have any cash on me and that Henry was still on the rink with Chooch, I pleaded for Janna to spot me. Hooo boy was she pissed. There went the arms! There went the eye-roll! There went the disgusted phlegm gurgle! Apparently, Blake had also asked her for money and she was starting to feel like a parental unit or something. What? I felt it wasn’t enough that the entire rink already assumed she was my son’s mom, why not try to finagle an allowance out of her too?

In the end, I got my Mountain Dew because it is written in the Bible that Janna cannot deny me.


Oh boy, soon it was time for Limbo! We kept trying to get Blake to go out there but he was all, “No, no, hell no.” Finally, we convinced him that it was the best idea anyone had ever had, even better than  putting peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, even better than making porn downloadable, even better than giving this asshole her own Internet property. So off Blake skated, to the back of a line in which he was the tallest by at least a foot.

When it was his turn, he split his pants.

Like, really split his pants.

Like, split his pants to the point where it was too obscene for me to even take a picture of it unless I wanted to have at least a dozen unsavory labels slapped on my record.

He handled it better than I would have. Had it been me, Henry would have had to rush home and clear the house of all prescription bottles, nooses, and razor blades.


Shockingly, witnessing Blake’s folly inspired Chooch to give it a go, and he tugged Janna onto the rink with him. I didn’t even realize what was going on until I saw them skating to the back of the line together. On his first skating foray, my kid did the Limbo and cleared the pole without falling on his ass. I was so proud! The guys holding the poles were like, “Dude you made it! You get to go again!” but Chooch was all, “Nah, cuz. It’s cool. I just wanted to do it that once.”

Then came the wobbly-voiced DJ again, reminding us that is was “Gentleman’s Couple Skate. This is now Gentleman’s Couple Skate.” I looked at Stacey and shouted, “Dude, that’s so progressive!” but then he came back on over the loud speakers to correct himself. It was actually Gentleman’s Choice. Since Henry doesn’t have a say in anything, I forced him to trade Chooch’s hand for mine. Stacey wanted Chooch to choose her, but he got real nervous and said, “I can’t! My hand’s all sweaty!” That means he really likes her. He’s shy around his crushes. He ended up skating with Janna, while Stacey kept Blake and his exposed crotch company on the bench.

Wow, that sounded so innocent.

Once the song was over, I was dismayed to find that Stacey and Blake had already exchanged their skates for their shoes, and even more dismayed to see that the session was nearly over. I was overheated as shit, but I wanted more! More more more! Everyone assured me that the world wasn’t ending and that we could come back soon. But soon for me would have been ten minutes later.

I miss it there so much already. And I didn’t even have any pizza! I was so busy skating that I didn’t stop once to eat lunch. That’s how awesome it was there.

Later that night, I said to Henry, “Remember when we couple-skated and you didn’t ask me to marry you?”

“I also didn’t ask you to skate,” he pointed out.

  16 Responses to “Roller Skating OMG!”

  1. Best post in the whole wide worrrrrld. I’ll try to rememeber to take pics next time we go roller skating. I need to get off my ass and back on my quads and boogie oogie oogie ’til I just can’t boogie no more.

    If you haven’t yet, you need to rent Roller Boogie and Roll Bounce. While wearing either knee-high athletic socks or a golden jumpsuit.

    • Thanks, Kat! Definitely take pictures nexttime you go!

      I’ve never seen either of those. I remember when I was super young, there was a roller skating movie that was always on HBO but I can’t remember which one it was. I’ll have to rent those!

  2. I never had anyone to go roller skating with when I was a kid. I used to go after school, some YMCA thing to keep me occupied, but no one ever skated with me for the couple’s skate, which always made me really sad.

    One weekend I somehow got my father to go skating with me. I’m not really sure how that happened or how it worked out being that he’s legally blind and can’t see for shit, but there it is.

    I remember being excited that I finally had someone to skate with for the couple’s skate. He tried to explain what it was supposed to mean, but I wasn’t having it and I dragged his ass right out there. I remember grinning like a goddamn retard for the entire song.

    How can such little shit make you so happy? And how could I have forgotten all about it until this post?

    • Thank you so much fun for sharing those memories with me here, John. It made me smile! I’m glad this post reminded you of those moments.

      I am a firm believer that it really is the little things in life. You can either wait around for something big and monumental to happen, or you can go out and make the most of what’s in front of you. I didn’t think that I would still feel so happy roller skating as an adult, but it’s amazing how it all came flooding back. For that short time, I didn’t worry about bills, finding a job, etc etc etc – it was all about having FUN!

  3. Omg poor Blake! :(

    I wish I wasn’t terrified of roller skating. That sounds so awesome! I love Tik Tok and Lady Gaga too lol. I imagine they’re so much better when you’re gliding around in circles!

    • Blake somehow handled it with so much grace. I’d have been mortified, hiding in a bathroom stall or dumpster!

      I’m terrified of ice skating, but wish I wasn’t. In high school, I would go to the rink with everyone just for the social part, but I would rarely try to skate.

      When was the last time you tried roller skating?

    • The last time I tried skating I was in grade six, it was an outing for patrols I think. I was okay with the skates on the carpet, but I just walked around, I couldn’t relax and let myself roll on the wheels. I remember putting one foot onto the rink, holding onto the edge, and being all “OMG IT’S SO SLIPPERY!!” and that was it, I just ate pizza the rest of the time. I’m really a party pooper!!

      I can’t ice skate either. It seems weird to me that you could do one but not the other! In my mind they’re the same thing, but since I can’t do either what do I know lol.

  4. I had a good time! It really brought memories of Spinning Wheels back because they actually had the limbo and chicken dance and there always seemed to be a lot of people there when we’d go.

    Man, Chooch was such a roller skating star. He must have inherited that from you. I loved when he was doing those jumps.

    • I can’t believe how BRAVE he was! It was like, “Oh ok, I have wheels on my shoes now. Whatevs.”

      I’m so glad there are still rinks around here, and that they’re not overrun with roller bladers.

  5. I’m glad I’m the the only adult who totally loves going roller skating.Last year I got my kids to go a few times.But they ended up trying to spend the whole time playing video games or skating psychotically around on the carpet instead of the rink. my husband went once last year and conveniently got a blister within 20 minutes of wearing his skates, I never saw it so he was probably lying. You have to watch Roll Bounce if you haven’t yet, it is great.

    • insert “not” where I double type “the” I even profread this b4 submitting but did have a lil’ too much coffee today. :)

    • I feel the same! I was worried that it was going to be a bunch of kids in roller blades, but was surprised that there were a good bit of adults there too. Roller skating is just the best. For the longest time, I didn’t think we even had any rinks left around here because all the ones I grew up going to had closed.

      I’ll definitely check that movie out! I remember wanting to see it but never got around to it.

  6. OMG! I have been anticipating this since Sunday and you didn’t disappoint. It’s even better when you’re part if the post. I’m surprised you don’t constantly have swarms of people around you begging and pleading you to blog about them. I love it! Lol!

  7. Tolhurst parts:

    “Henry looked pained because he was the designated training wheel, therefore unable to skate fast and free like his inner child-of-the-70s was begging.”

    “Henry looked pained, his thick brow all catawumpus and furrowed, stands of gray glistening under the disco ball-reflected lights. Then I started thinking about us being skating assassins and I couldn’t stop cracking up. I tried to invite Henry in on the joke but he declined.”

    “while Stacey kept Blake and his exposed crotch company on the bench.”

    “Later that night, I said to Henry, “Remember when we couple-skated and you didn’t ask me to marry you?”

    “I also didn’t ask you to skate,” he pointed out.”

    Your Tweets about this were funny, but the final product is hyserical. :D

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