Sep 132018

One of my favorite Korean meals is bibimbap, and that goes way back from before I even became k-crazed. I used to be friends with this girl who I since realized was a sociopath, maybe worse, but back then we enjoyed a brief friendship and would often eat at this Korean restaurant in Oakland because it was owned by friends of her family. I would always, unfailingly, order bibimbap because I loved how it came with a fried egg on top and it reminded me of this one burger I would always get at this restaurant in London called Monique’s, which had a fried egg on top and that was way before America was doing crazy shit to burgers. When I would tell my friends about this burger, they’d be all o.O

I promise you that back then, 20 years ago, I didn’t know what gochujang was and I for sure know that kimchi didn’t touch my chopsticks let alone my lips. But, even though my Korean palate has since expanded, I still fucking love bibimbap and once I started to actually learn about Korea, I realized that bibimbap literally means “mixed rice” and then I started thinking about how this, what you’re reading, is pretty much a mixed bag, a bibimblog and now that’s all I can think of when I sit down to write in this dolsot pot of words and pictures.

So, all that being said, let’s take a walk through my bibimbrain because I gots words about the weekend, y’all. This is going to be all smeared and splashed like a Pollack.

I had the day off last Friday and as expected, I got sick. What is it with me and scheduled days off!? I wasn’t majorly sick enough, but I felt weird and sluggish and when Chooch came home from school, he stopped short inside the doorway and said, “Whoa, I’m not used to seeing you laying down.” Exaciticallllly! (I had a tour guide named Colleen once who said “Exactly” that way and it was amazing.)

(And by “had” I don’t mean that I gave birth to her, but I was on a tour she was leading.)


Still, the day wasn’t too bad. I managed to leave the house and walk to Pamela’s, where I met my good ol’ friend Christy for lunch but on the way there, something weird happened. I stopped at the ATM but had to wait for this broad and I was on the phone with Henry the whole time, whispering about how annoying she was because she made like three separate transactions with long, leisurely pauses in between each one. I don’t  know why I cared because Christy is habitually late so it didn’t really matter that this broad was holding me up but if you know me, you know that I am always in a rush for no reason. Anyway, after that left, I started mouthing off about her to Henry which of course warranted a description. I started to say she was older and had pink hair and then he cut me off and finished the description because whoever this bitch was, she also was in Henry’s way the other day!? I mean, it’s not too often you see an old lady with pink hair and tattoos so it was definitely the same person, especially after I saw her get in her car and Henry was like YES THAT’S HER! SHE WAS PISSING ME OFF SO BAD! It reminded me of the time that Henry and I both dreamt  of cabbages, so maybe he is my soul mate after all, even though he’s not Korean, ugh.

And of course I still got to Pamela’s before Christy but it was OK because I had a cup of coffee in front of me and Genesis was playing, and really when you have those things, life doesn’t seem too bad. Then Christy got there and we those good Pamela’s pancakes and talked about how awesome we were when we were kids and stuff like that.

Then I came home and watched the cats fight because Penelope uses the tower now and Drew hates that.

Later that night, Henry and I watched the G-Dragon / Kwon Jiyong documentary on YouTube Red and I fucking cried. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love him any more! The whole thing was a behind the scenes account of his last solo tour and how he’s reached a point in his life where he realized that he’s been G-Dragon for so long that he doesn’t who Kwon Jiyong is anymore. You guys, I just want him to meet a nice girl, get married, and move somewhere private. Like here, in Pittsburgh,

With me.

After we get married.

Saturday morning was the start of like, 4 days of dreary, rainy weather. I thought for sure the weekend would be ruined, but it was pretty good! I mean, aside from first thing that morning when I heard knocking on our neighbors’ door and then suddenly, “POLICE!” I was super startled because if you remember, our current neighbors are Blake and Haley, not some white trash rapist or secret drug lord. Henry wasn’t home so I had to go out there with an arm covering my braless boobs so that was great, but it turns out that their alarm was going off and they were on vacation, so the security company sent THREE COPS out. Chooch let them inside Blake’s house to make sure it really was just accidental (the sensor fell off the wall, apparently) and when the one cop came back to return the key to us, he was trying to be all playful with Chooch and we were just “we hate cops.” Sike, we didn’t actually say that but I was like, “Bye now!” after Chooch took back the key.

“And then he just kept standing there, staring into our house!” I ranted later to Henry, because little gets me as fired up as interaction with the popo.

“Well yeah! Come on, imagine if you saw this place for the first time. There’s a lot to see. There’s a green mannequin over there in the corner for Christ’s sake!” Henry said, perpetually white-knighting the men in blue.

I think I have mild PTSD though from all of my past neighbors. Just another thing to add to the list!

The rest of the day I was moody so Henry was following me around and picking up everything I was purposely knocking over because that’s what I do when I’m in a mood and then I was mad because I put too much peanut butter on a bagel and so it was very messy which caused me to abandon it on the kitchen counter but then Henry calmly scraped off the excess and cut it into quarters so that I could eat it without looking like I just went down on a hot jar of peanut butter.

Hey, remember when I was writing words for you to read about bibimbap? Well, I was craving it on Saturday so Henry Oppa took me to Sushi Kim which sounds like a sushi joint but it’s actually a Korean restaurant that also has a sushi bar and it was kind of like a date I guess because Chooch preferred to stay home and play his stupid Fortnite and things were actually looking pretty good for Henry until he realized that one of the waiters there was my ideal Korean type and then it was just me blushing and giggling through the whole dinner and Henry was like GREAT JUST GREAT.

Even still, we had a really great weekend together, but I realized that I for sure need a better shopping partner because he is no help at all in places like Forever 21 when I’m like CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY SIZE IN THIS RAINBOW SWEATER but he’s too busy googling “how to regain my masculinity.” But at least I got some nice clothes, thanks Henry Oppa. (LOL, like I don’t have a job.)

Sunday was lovely too! We went shopping again because I was searching for this elusive shirt from H&M and every time I found one, it was only a size 2 (H&M sizing is so stupid) and I mean, I lost some weight but come on now. I’d have to Ace-bandage my boobs to squeeze into a shirt size that small. On the way home, we stopped at Coffee Buddha and I was content because I didn’t realize that I was craving their peanut buddha latte but I was OK!? Henry bought a pumpkin muffin for us to share so I ripped off the whole top and went on with my day. I could feel him staring at me so I said with a flick of my hand, “Oh, you can have the rest.”

“Wow. You’re a dick,” he said.

That’s our relationship, in one muffin.

Then he made me this bubbling vat of kimchi jjigae and maybe the theme of this post is that I’ve got it made!? I don’t know, but Henry is pretty cool sometimes, especially when he’s coming out of the kitchen with Korean food in his hands.

We finished off our weekend by watching Hereditary and by that, I mean that Chooch and I watched it and then Henry “disappeared” a quarter of the way through because he was “bored and it was so predictable and just like every other movie” and Chooch and I were like, “Oh, mmhmm, so you were scared.” He kept denying it but as soon as he realized what type of horror movie it was going to be, he saw his way out because he is such a little bitchboy.

Meanwhile, Chooch and I were RIVETED and I daresay this might be my new favorite horror movie. Except that now Chooch won’t stop clucking, so that’s cool. Anyway, I can’t say too much else about this movie without taking you down to Spoiler Town, but it had a lot of great scares and some pretty unexpected moments, also Toni Collette is just wonderful. Tell me if you’ve seen it or just tell me anything because I’m bored. Bye.

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