Feb 132010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:32 Good afternoon! I’m walking through a snowstorm to the post office. With wet hair. I’m a smarteeeeeee! #
  • 14:46 Got schooled by some old man when I almost fell while attempting to walk too fast on the snowy sidewalk. #
  • 15:54 The Warped Tour iPhone app is fantastic. I’m going to use the shit out of it. (OMG I can’t wait for Warped!) #
  • 16:56 I wonder what it will be like when @awoodhick sleeps to death. #
  • 17:03 It’s inspiring that a writer as shitty as Nicolas Sparks can get his books made into blockbuster movies. #
  • 20:24 I’ll never let Henry cut Chooch’s hair again. He’s graduated from cancer kid to a baby Rue McClanahan. #
  • 22:11 Tall sit-ups are my jam. #
  • 22:14 The #Capitals must have read “The Secret.” #NHL #
  • 23:11 I just stepped onto my front porch without thinking, like the asshole I am, and wound up with snow halfway to my knee. #
  • 23:19 And for the second time today I’m reminded, way after the fact, that I have snow boots. #
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  • 01:01 :( RT @nhllive Condolences to Brian Burke on the loss of his son Brendan. All our th oughts and prayers are with Brian and his family. #
  • 01:59 Hay look @ the dumb! 2 Prison Penpals: Some girls have a lot of shoes; I have a lot of purses. So many in fact, th… bit.ly/bGdCzj #
  • 08:44 I’m going to dive off my porch into the snow, enjoy it for 10-20 seconds, & then promptly return to hating snow’s guts. #
  • 08:54 Although, with my neighborhood, there’s always that chance of diving onto a hypodermic needle. #
  • 10:31 About to snow dive like it’s an Olympic sport, ya’ll. Here’s hoping I don’t impale myself on any urban weaponry. #
  • 10:57 Henry is trying so hard to shovel & I keep cannonballing into the yard, sending snow flying back onto the sidewalk. He is PISSED. #
  • 10:58 Fucking asshole motherfucking ass raping snow shit. yfrog.com/au32825693j #
  • 10:59 Our Chooch got stranded. We let him sweat it out a little before swimming over to him. yfrog.com/3n1dygj #
  • 11:11 Chooch is trying to run from a Kleenex-brandishing Henry but he’s limited considering its a real life Dig Dug out there. Now he’s trapped. #
  • 13:16 WTF is going on w/ #wordswithfriends. There is nothing to do today! & some retard is trying to ride a bike past my house in all this snow. #
  • 13:22 Paul Coffey is still so hot. #pens #
  • 14:02 Someone ne eds to make me mayor because I’ve got some fucking ideas that need implemented. #
  • 14:03 Go FSN! We didn’t want to watch the #pens game today anyway. #
  • 14:19 That was bullshit. Fleury was fucking bulldozed. Awesome revenge goal by Dupuis! #letsgopens #
  • 14:22 18:51 and the #pens #habs game is already tied at 1. Weird start. #
  • 14:44 Someone must have told the #Habs that their only chance at beating the #pens is by continually tackling Fleury. #
  • 16:34 Um, I hope this isn’t how the #pens are going to play against the #caps. #
  • 17:38 Neighbor drama!! I love my street. #
  • 17:58 For someone who doesn’t care about The Vampire Diaries, Henry sure asks a lot of questions. #
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  • 01:30 Paul McCartney has always made me feel uncomfortable, like I’ve been repressing memories of him molesting me. #
  • 01:31 You know, kind of like how most people feel around Henry: suspiciously violated, phantom moustache burns. #
  • 11:49 Everyone should turn on NBC at noon (EST, yo). #
  • 12:18 I can’t imagine going to McDonalds and thinking, “That’s the best dollar I’ve ever spent.” #
  • 12:20 CROSBY! I’m too afraid to get too celebratory, given what team we’re playing. #letsgopens #
  • 12:26 Keep booing Crosby, everyone; he loves it. #letsgopens #
  • 13:27 My hockey-provoked fistpumping puts the Jersey Shore to shame. And also puts my shoulder in pain. #letsgopens #
  • 13:28 Helluva Captain, that Ovechkin. Hold on, I got some sarcasm caught in my throat. #pens #caps #
  • 13:31 Fucking OMG this game is exciting. Who’s gonna get the hat trick first, Crosby or Staal? #pens #NHL #
  • 14:42 At least 15 new grays have sprouted up thanks to this fucking game. #letsgopens #
  • 14:48 Motherfucker. #
  • 16:31 A Superbowl recipe for you! “Making Cookies From Bread” bit.ly/bubthK #
  • 17:39 I just watched the priest across the street get a pizza delivered to him. It was wildly exciting. So exciting that I have chest pains now. #
  • 18:05 Henry’s on the prowl for slutty broads with broken legs. #
  • 18:31 Yeah, I have no idea who’s even in the Super(dumb)bowl. #
  • 18:51 This is the first weekend in forever that I didn’t go anywhere or do anything. I died a little, I think. #
  • 22:41 Shit, I forgot I had one of these: Ask me anything formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
  • 22:52 Q:If you could change one thing that happe… A:There was someone I gave a 178635th chan… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/137433457 #
  • 23:38 Again, I’m so glad sexting wasn’t around when I was in high school. I got in enough trouble as it was. #
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  • 12:30 I feel like doing some math problems today. #
  • 12:33 Q:Is there going to be a Riley 2.0? A:No!!! Those 9 months were some of the darkest of my… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/139081816 #
  • 14:45 I can’t even. RT @AltPress BREAKING NEWS–New Chiodos frontman revealed: altpress.com/news/chiodosnewsinger.htm #
  • 15:34 Ugh. RT @MikeSheaAP The Day the Flood Gates Broke: Yes,….Craig Owens to be signing to Pete’s Decaydance, Managed thru Crush Management. #
  • 15:36 Today is a really shitty day for music news. I blame Alex Ovechkin, snow, and Miley Cyrus’s man voice. #
  • 15:56 I start my new job tmw & apparently I still have the work-at-home data entry job. So I guess I have 2 jobs now. Workaholic, they call me. #
  • 15:57 Which means soon I’ll be an alcoholic too. #
  • 19:43 My son just deemed that there will be “no valentines for mommy!!” Take note, secret admirers. :( #
  • 21:35 I don’t know why I’m watching this hockey game. It’s not like I need affirmation that the #flyers are dirty cocksuckers. #
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  • 00:01 Q:why were there so many damn “Guys in the… A:This question made me laugh!I actually w… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/142739707 #
  • 07:37 Today should be my first day of work but Father Henry doesn’t trust my driving-in-snow skills and is making me call off. HE should call. #
  • 11:00 Had the brilliant idea of taking a family walk through the snowtrails to the post office. Henry is so irritated but Chooch & I had fun. #
  • 11:23 Gave Chooch a lesson in yellow snow. “This is the stuff you want to throw at daddy, then promptly pitch yr gloves in the nearest trashcan.” #
  • 12:18 Googling “Jonny Craig is a dick” brings a lot of traffic to my blog. Thanks for being a douche to me, Jonny Craig! You spike my stats! #
  • 15:13 don’t remember ever writing this, wtf: “I’ve clearly been fucked w/ the Downs dildo somewhere along the cobblestone road to the whorehouse” #
  • 16:48 Chooch deemed Taylor Dane “stupid” but that was b4 I showed him an entire dance party can be built around her husky voice & frosted locks. #
  • 17:33 I miss my Vans that were embellished with Chinese newspaper. Made me feel cultured. #
  • 18:03 Thanks, postal service, for adding a lost package to the list. Because I didn’t have enough to worry about. #
  • 18:53 Justin Bieber’s puking on Silent Library inspired Henry to cheer, “Good for him, the little fuck.” Strong words about a 15-year-old. #
  • 19:33 Silent Library: it’s why God gave men nipples. #
  • 19:51 There are 6 plows in the parking lot across from my house right now. Maybe I can actually start my job tomorrow! #
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  • 07:48 Henry is being nice to me. That’s newsworthy! #
  • 12:46 Q:Do you hav e any scars on your body? If … A:Chicken pock scar on my cheek (the face … formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/149394943 #
  • 12:49 Apparently, I’d make a GREAT candidate for the US Army. Glad they noticed. #
  • 13:06 Could host quite the perfect murder party ’round here. yfrog.com/3nm00j #
  • 13:13 Chooch put on some country music video channel & I can’t find the remote. Now I’ll be writing country songs all day about being snowed in. #
  • 13:40 Chooch is getting his first taste of “The Gate.” My bro Ryan & I used to watch the shit out of this. “You’ve been BAD!” #
  • 15:59 I just walked in aimless circles around my house. This snow is finally breaking me. I want to GO SOMEWHERE. #
  • 16:22 Chooch enjoys beating himself in the head with Henry’s hand, while yelling “you bastard!” It’s mesmerizing. #
  • 17:48 Henry coughed, inspiring Chooch to exclaim, “Are you OK?!” Henry was taken aback, as he’s not used to anyone caring about him. HAHA. #
  • 17:52 If Getslaf’s injury doesnt heal, Jeff Carter could be his replacement for the Olympics? Thumbs down. #nhl #olympics #
  • 17:52 Getzlaf, even. #
  • 20:48 KUNITZ! #letsgopens #
  • 21:46 The Shut Out gods have something against Fleury. #pens #NHL #
  • 22:02 Good job #pens! It’s good to hear Kunitz’s name again! #
  • 23:02 The Capitals disgusting win streak was finally snuffed, at the hands of the Habs no less! Go #Habs! #
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  • 06:59 Just threw my first official I Dont Want to Go to Work tantrum. Ok, second. #
  • 07:04 Henry said “welcome to the world” as he shoved me out the door. Wah. #
  • 07:20 Well. If I wasn’t awake before, Of Mice and Men’s “Poker Face” cover sure did the deed. #
  • 08:16 I am WAY overdressed. As usual. #
  • 08:25 Got a tour of the facilities by a pleasant smoker-voiced broad in a 1980s sweater who kept coughing in my general direction. Makin g friends! #
  • 08:36 I hate signing off on something that prohibits me from making uwanted sexual advances. The world is so unfair. #
  • 12:22 My supervisor says “literally” every other sentence. Literally. And he pronounces “us” like “uzzz.” I like him. He swears. #
  • 16:35 Hopefully I get the memo the next time it’s 80s Day at my new place of work. #
  • 18:31 Just had the good fortune of playing my favorite word on Words With Friends . “Broads,” holla! #
  • 19:34 Instead of saying “I’m so cold,” Chooch said, “I’m cold so bad.” And then, “Daddy turned the heat off like a retard.” Oy. #
  • 19:34 Dude. I NEVER say “oy.” #
  • 20:23 Fisting ramen, watching Ashley be a throaty-voiced drama queen on Real World. yfrog.com/32eosj #
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  • 07:40 I hope when I see them in Cleveland next weekend, @wearetheused play “On the Cross.” I’ll cry! #
  • 08:11 just sought out the lady who gave me a tour yesterday &, w/ batting lashes, asked her to get me later so I won’t have to eat lunch alone. #
  • 08:12 She thought it was funny and I exclaimed, “Being new is awkward!” I think she thought i was being dramatic. Not me. Never. #
  • 10:09 I just downed a 5 Hour Energy rip off that Henry’s company sells & I’m pretty sure I’m in the throes of cardiac arrest. #
  • 11:18 The upside to today is that I’m wearing a pair of jeans that haven’t fit me in a year. #
  • 15:43 The noises in my house right now make me wish I own a shotgun. #
  • 15:45 Chooch just told Henry that I hit him, he fell down, & then I hit him again?!?! But he left out the part where I burnt him with a lighter! #
  • 19:33 MAMA’S TRYING TO WATCH THIS HOCKEY GAME STFU. #pens #
  • 21:32 Jesus Christ, I love Sidney Crosby!i can’t wait to watch him in the Olympics! #letsgopens #
  • 22:34 I need a shot of te stosterone. Or heroine. #
  • 23:07 It seriously starts out with Justin Bieber? Fuck this “We Are the World.” And Miley Cyrus probably doesn’t even know where Haiti is. #
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  • 00:21 I feel guilty but I want the men’s Canadian hockey team to win gold. #
  • 08:18 Henry is right where he belongs: in the kitchen. #
  • 13:19 Q:Who was the best boss you’ve ever had? A:Kim from MSA was pretty damn fantastic. Any bo… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/166039497 #

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