Mar 132010

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:02 Thank you Sidney Crosby for making this sad girl smile today. #pens #
  • 15:30 Congrats on your first goal as a Penguin, Ponikarovsky! Welcome to Pittsburgh! #pens #
  • 17:20 Chooch burped in front of the waitress. Henry goes “What do u say?” & Chooch said, “I burped.” #
  • 18:56 In Target: Chooch wanted a toy & was trying to convince Henry he was being good. “I didn’t even say ASSHOLE” he shouted in front of 167 ppl. #
  • 19:00 Now Chooch is wearing a St Pattys hat & telling random Target shoppers, “I’m coming to get you, Barbara.” So glad he commands an audience. #
  • 20:56 Designing logos for a friend’s new concession company and totally drinking on the job. #
  • 00:24 Hey SNL, thanks for playing the Benny Hill theme! It reminded me that there is funnier shit out there to be watching so I turned you off. #
  • 00:42 Sunday fantasy: Henry moving furniture and appliances while I sprawl out on the couch with a Bloody Mary. #
  • 00:44 Just kidding. I can’t drink a Bloody Mary without thinking of broads menstruating on my face. And also that I hate to mato juice. #
  • 10:03 Xiu Xiu today. Lots of Xiu Xiu in my head. #
  • 11:34 Chooch can’t like that Barbara says “You’re being mean” instead of “You’re ignorant” in the Night of the Living Dead remake. #
  • 13:15 I’m at my grandma’s house while Henry shovels and goddamn if it doesn’t smell like 10th grade sneak-outs over here. #
  • 14:05 Henry is dancing to Adam Lambert. You heard it here first. #
  • 15:26 Alisha’s wearing her sunglasses in my house, as if I don’t know it’s because she’s shielding her tears. #
  • 15:53 I don’t think saying “He’s hot for an amputee” should inspire the reaction it did from Henry. He’s prejudiced against one-leggers I guess. #
  • 18:03 Henry and Alisha are up front having adult conversation. Chooch & I are in the backseat quoting zombie movies. #
  • 18:06 Speaking fondly of Zombieland #
  • 18:27 If you saw Henry struggle thru a maze in a coloring book, you would know why I hesitate to ask him for directions. #
  • 18:31 Sidney Crosby will finally get to live out his dream: being my wine receptacle. #
  • 20:29 Successfully survived another dip; bring on the mania. #
  • 22:07 Someone should point out to the Dancing W/the Stars creators that they might wannna get actual stars on the show or consider a na me change. #
  • 22:25 Kristen Stewart is so goddamn awkward, she makes me look like I wrote the book on social couth. #Oscars #
  • 11:14 Straddling the fence w/ Cupcake Pebbles but the fence is getting frisky so my opinion just might be swayed. (Shoulda worn the crotchless.) #
  • 12:52 I need a blog mechanic. Preferrably one that’s commando under his coveralls & keeps a grilled cheese in his pocket. #
  • 13:00 The last time I checked, an area code should not evoke tears. Perhaps my research is outdated. #
  • 14:05 Here is a blog post thing. “the big shovel”: #
  • 16:39 Icecream shop down the street has changed its name to Scoops. How original. Were it mine, I’d call it Yr Mama’s Breasts. But that’s just me. #
  • 20:17 I wish this job would last forever. My boss is very mothering. I like me some mothering. #
  • 22:09 I miss @buenomexicana. #
  • 10:06 I wish Henry was home right now. #
  • 12:00 Henry came home to do stuff for us. He’s so well-trained. Now, if only Chooch and I can get him to use a litter box. #
  • 13:59 Just walked past a man on the phone asking, “Did you hear about Ben?” OMG NO BEN WHO. Surely not Ben Roethlisberger! #
  • 15:07 On the way home from getting my hair cut, two men in a truck hit on me and my neighbor thought I was a teenager. I can like that. #
  • 21:09 My boss announced that she forgot to put on deodorant today. It was awkward. I would be lost in a non-awkward world I think. #
  • 21:11 The snow outside looks like that fake shit they lay down under child molester mall Santas. I like it. #
  • 21:14 The soup at the office cafeteria today was Chicken Pot Pie (And I Dont Care). I thought it was Jimmy’s cracked corn we didn’t care about? #
  • 09:15 WTF NOOOOOO RT @BreakingNews Actor Corey Haim has died, North Hollywood police say – KNBC #
  • 09:17 I’m seriously crying about Corey Haim. I was going to fix him! We were going to have TRU LUV. #
  • 09:21 I guess I’ll just tell Chooch that the Lost Boys finally got Sam. #
  • 09:57 I look for signs on license plates. #
  • 10:09 I glean profound wisdom from My Life As Liz. Thank you MTV for reminding me that things don’t have to be perfect; it just means it’s real. #
  • 11:30 Chooch & I pulled ourselves out of the house & subsequently complained of sun-brightness for the duration of our walk. WE ARE NEVER HAPPY. #
  • 14:34 Seriously, I can’t take it any longer. Is Matt Cooke suspended or not? Decide! #NHL #
  • 14:49 Well shit. Watch out, Crosby & Malkin. RT @TSNBobMcKenzie Matt Cooke is not being suspended by the NHL for his hit on Marc Savard. #
  • 15:04 2 pop culture observations: #1 I actually don’t mind Adam Lambert until he starts shrieking like his dick is clamped in a bear trap. #
  • 15:05 #2 Still can’t get behind Robert Pattinson as a sex symbol. #
  • 15:31 I’m about to get all Nancy Reagan on this Nicolas Sparks books-turned-movies onslaught, OK? Just say no, Hollywood! #
  • 16:04 Henry’s solution to my problems: “I can break up with you; maybe that’ll take your mind off the other stuff.” SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. #
  • 17:24 This is A+, fullfilled my laff-a-day quota RT @Pensblog: Cooke Not Suspended, Crosby Gear Found #pens #letsgopens #
  • 18:03 I’m pretty sure this cleaning girl wants to be my Cinderella. #
  • 11:58 I listen to sports radio all night at work because my subconscious finds ways to associate every so ng with things I shouldn’t think about. #
  • 12:19 Oreos and coffee – the only things I can keep down. I see stars every time I stand. Magical. #
  • 12:49 Lack of hockey makes me feel anemic. The NHL Network is like a sugar cookie & paper cup of OJ. Thank god the Penguins play tonight. #
  • 13:33 Chooch dropped a bowl on the floor and the noise nearly catapulted me through the roof. My nerves need to get laid. Or maybe I need therapy. #
  • 13:45 My son is very intuitive for his age. I whined for him to help me stop feeling sad. He goes, “What can I do? I don’t have her number!” #
  • 14:04 My friend Lisa is moving back to Pittsburgh in August! She’s my Zoloft. #
  • 14:19 According to Chooch, if I just play Batman, I’ll feel better. So that’s what I’m doing. Who’s the parent in this equation, anyway. #
  • 16:14 At Blinkys, hoping my appetite will meet me here. Haven’t been here since right after i got knocked up with The Chooch. #
  • 18:26 I dont thank @awoodhick nearly enough. #
  • 20:24 Worst part abt having to listen to the #pens game @ work is that I can’t chug wine. Or scream. Or swear. Or cheer. It’s ALL the worst part. #
  • 21:42 First row, first girl = Chooch with pigtails, amirite? #
  • 23:05 Waiting for @cocoadeelamo and @daboogmang // #
  • 23:20 There’s a blood smear on my front door that I just can’t bring myself to wipe off. #
  • 01:29 Just in: @daboogmang’s idol is Ben Roethlisberger and he wants to make girls fall and hit their heads. #
  • 10:28 Bill got to stop traffic to help a car hauler and now Jessi hates koalas. #
  • 11:30 Chooch: “Bill, wanna play Batman with me?” Bill: “For about 5 minutes, then Billy’s gotta go smoke weed.” #
  • 12:16 I HATE IT WHEN BILL AND JESSI LEAVE. fuck you, Michigan. #
  • 15:16 Blind date: Giacomo 1999 // #
  • 16:12 The fact that I only could down half of a Vanilla Pastry Studio cupcake says a lot. Henry ate the half that had my tears on it. Salty. #
  • 16:44 Best shoes, hollaaaaa. #
  • 18:42 I wish I could be as positive as Henry. Then things wouldn’t seem so finite. #
  • 19:06 Your signals, they are mulatto. #
  • 21:18 How many more lucky breaks can the fucking Devils possibly get. Fuck New Jersey. #
  • 22:28 Talk me out of buying cigarettes. #
  • 22:46 I’m the villain, no matter how you spin it. Just need a moustache to wiggle. #
  • 01:20 If my cat Don was a hockey player, he’d be Evgeni Malkin. #NHL #
  • 01:36 Bill & Jessi got me this awesome coloring book but forgot the Christ-ly crayons! Heathens! #
  • 01:56 A Life Lesson! Henry: Be the better person. Me: That never gets me anywhere. Henry: Because you’re never the better person! #
  • 10:29 Found our old “relationship” journal lol. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

  7 Responses to “These tweets are for you, Big Ginger”

  1. I am so glad we were able to visit with you Thursday night/Friday morning, brief as it was, seeing Erin & Co. is always an eventful time!

    Your tweets really captured the fun… Even though Bill sounds like a pothead, which is SOO not him, lol. Enjoy coloring Jesus and your chocolatey prayer hands! Hope we didn’t piss off Chooch too much ;)

    Miss you already!

    • We were really happy that you guys made time for us in your itinerary. I mean, aside from Alisha, I can barely get people in my own city to make time for me!

      We’re in the process of looking for a new place to live. I’m hoping to find a house with realistic rent that will have enough room for you guys so you won’t have to keep throwing money down on hotels. Unless you like that, which is cool too! And Henry keeps teasing with me the promise of actually being able to take a trip this summer, so we’ll keep you posted!

  2. Hmm let me guess. Big Ginger is still up to her stalking ways? That girl is obsessed with you, Erin. It’s kind of scary.

  3. That girl looks so much like Chooch it’s scary.

  4. I remember reading some of these… and hurting… <3 ugh… i'm sorry

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