Jul 212019

Originally, when Janna suggested that we go to dinner for my birthday, I wanted to go to Apteka which is a vegan restaurant that specializes in like, Hungarian and Polish comfort foods. I personally love the food so much so that the pretentiousness of the joint is easy for me to ignore but Henry pretty much said he ever wants to eat there ever again.

So it seemed like a good opportunity to go there since he wouldn’t be joining us but then I thought it would be nice to go somewhere I’ve never gone before and the first place that popped into my mind, because I knew I wanted some different kind of ethnic cuisine and not just like some American gastropub fare, was Kavsar. It specializes in Russian and Uzbeki cuisine and that appeals to me. I heard about it several years ago and it’s been one of those “Why don’t we ever go there?” places that I reference periodically to Henry.

Anyway, I sent the website to Janna and thought for sure she’d say no because she used to date a Russian guy who ladled Borscht into her mouth when he wanted her to shut up and even though it was awful for her at the time I guess she misses it probably because he was trampled and killed by a buffalo when they were on a date at the game preserve and she blames herself because he had jumped the fence to pick her a dandelion which he thought was Janna’s favorite flower but he was confusing her with the cashier at the Ushanka hat store that he dated briefly in high school after his dad dumped her.

But Janna actually agreed to dine here and I assumed it was because she enjoys feeling like shit about the past but apparently she recently found out that his death was faked by the Russian government and he’s back home teaching a course at a community college on how to hack elections so she doesn’t feel guilty about the buffalo thing anymore.

Janna didn’t order borscht though. She got some dumpling things called Manti, with pumpkin and spinach filling.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Janna made reservations for 6:30 and when she wasn’t at my house by 6, I started frantically texting Henry, who was down the street at Eat N Park with Chooch who was pouting because he wasn’t invited to my birthday dinner so Henry has to ply him with a wholesome family dinner at a chain restaurant to get him to shut it.

I read Janna all the texts later that night when we were back at my house after dinner, like the one where I said WHO KNOWS in response to Henry’s simple question, “Did she forget?”

By the time Janna arrived (at 6:20!!) she had the audacity to get out of the car like she was going to come in my house and sit a spell but I flew out to her car and screamed GET BACK IN THE CAR JANNA, WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE!

I feel like our entire friendship can be summarized by her being late and me waiting at the door panicking about it.

Anyway, we got there at exactly 6:30 and Janna was so smug but just so you know, that’s what time we parked the car and then we still had to walk a minute to the actual restaurant so whatever.

Once inside, we were taken to this super cozy little table for two in an upstairs room and I started cracking up because it was like The Date Table.

We had the best (and only) waitress and I wish I had asked her name but she was super personable and informative; for instance, she told us that we HAD TO ORDER the bread and holy hot straight-from-the-oven damn, what great advice. This was some of the best bread I have ever had in a restaurant: it was warm and chewy, coated with sesame seeds, and required no butter whatsoever. Plus, it was fun to pull it apart and tasted even more amazing once I got my entree: Lagman, which is a traditional Uzbeki dish of noodles, broth and vegetables.

YEAH BOI. The noodles were so delicious and reminiscent of the homemade noodles by grandma used to make (she was Slovenian) and I laughed about how the menu said “all entrees topped with dill” but damn that dill was a nice touch!

The dill topic made Janna segue into the age-old cilantro survey and apparently she is a member of the anti-cilantro camp. She said that, to her, cilantro tastes the way stink bugs smell and I found that interesting because I like cilantro and stink bugs don’t bother me.

God, why are Janna are I even friends!

Oh yeah, because she takes me to dinner on my birthday and buys me Taemin albums lol.

Our waitress was sweet and took a bunch of pictures of us sitting at the special table. Then she told me she loved my tattoo of Marcy so we started talking about cats and she said she loves them but a very allergic and also allergic to dogs so maybe she will have to get a turtle and I hope Janna left her a big tip!!!

Then we came back to my house and allowed Chooch to walk to Scoops with us to get ice cream and he was annoyed because KEN, the old man who drove everyone to the camping trip last week and was SO ANNOYING and wouldn’t drop Chooch off straight at our house, was there.

“Did you even say to him?” I asked after we left and he said, “Hell no! I hate that guy.”

And then we came back to my house and Chooch made us watch videos of some guy and his emotional support goose named George.

Also, I’m glad I didn’t say what Chooch told me to say to the waitress because it apparently means “hello bitch” so that’s great.

Say it don't spray it.

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