Tweeting with a Broken Finger

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:34 OMG! On the cusp of the 3 week anniversary, Chooch has finally removed the sock. #
• 14:36 Now that I’m employed, I’m gonna take Henry on a date to see #CircaSurvive next month. Fuck the rent! Priorities! #
• 16:51 The lights are off in every scene of Life Unexpected. Makes me wait 4 something scary to happen, like Lux menstruating from her mouth. #
• 17:36 Then on Life Unexpected, the electricity goes out & they have to act real hard like its something they’re not used to! Oh noes! #
• 17:40 “Raygun” is a word. Bitch. #
• 18:04 Chooch has much to learn about me. Such as: just because I’m a “mom” doesn’t mean I can peel an orange. Give it to Henry. #
• 19:22 If you live in/near Pittsburgh, go check out Wildcard in Lawrenceville. My art &pendants are sold there! (it’s still very surreal to me.) #
• 20:06 Henry just told Chooch he can go on True Life: I Got Nothing Because I Was Bad. I laughed a little. #
• 20:23 There’s a good possibility I’ve been drugged by Henry. I hope he at least dumps me in a frat house. #
• 20:53 Another boooooring #Devils game. #NHL #
• 20:56 Chooch, on dyeing Easter eggs: “Is Alisha gonna come? If she’s not, I’m gonna call her an asshole.” Ooh, Alisha! #
• 21:15 FUCK YES, TOEWS! GO BLACKHAWKS! Fuck the Devils! (But not THE Devil. He’s still my boy, yo.) #
• 21:19 Versteeg gets credit for the goal. I don’t care WHO it was, as long as that puck was behind Brodeur. #NHL #
• 21:30 Blackhawks win in shootout but Devils still able to tie with #Pens. Fuckers. Oh well, wine time. #
• ***
• 00:47 Hello. I have found myself suddenly drunk off one glass of wine. Livin large! #
• 10:04 This unseasonal weather is enhancing my post-workout puke session. I like it. #
• 11:38 Moved to tears by descriptions of grilled cheese. #
• 12:04 Oh man, I forgot how AWESOME it is to have a mouse in your house: Diary of a Future Animal Planet Star bit.ly/9baOiw #
• 13:19 Chris Chelios must be the most hardcore 48-year- old ever. My cousin used to date him, way back when he still had hair. #NHL #
• 14:33 We missed you, Malkin! #pens #
• 15:21 Homicide? Don’t mind if I do. #
• 15:48 Huge win for the #pens! En route to the Wheeling Nailers game; hopefully they win too. #
• 16:00 I hope there’s someone at my new job who can fill Tina’s shoes. My tweets/blog posts haven’t recovered since I left my job at MSA. #
• 16:29 If Henry and I liked each other, this might be considered one of those “date” things. #
• 16:38 My attempts to kill Henry keep getting foiled by him exclaiming, “I’m DRIVING.” #
• 17:06 If Henry didn’t waste time doing the speed limit & stopping to get GAS of all things, we might have been on time. But probably not. #
• 17:17 Henrys about to meet my sister lol. #
• 18:21 Henry missed the first goal (NAILERS) but doesn’t care because he’s drinking beer thru a straw. #
• 18:24 Cincinnati plays dirty. I am NOT surprised. #
• 18:38 I’m not staring at Henry. I’m just watching the game thru the reflection in his glasses. #
• 18:40 There are ppl here who have plastic Ricola horns and I want one to enhance my fandom. Henry frowned. #
• 18:49 The people in front of me kiss with open mouths. brizzly.com/pic/1Y4A #
• 18:59 How hard is it to get into the mascot industry? I want in & will obsess over that for awhile now. #
• 19:23 I just asked Henry what he thinks of my sister. “She’s like you,” he replied dryly. #
• 20:44 Wheeling Nailers just trounced the Crapinnati Shitclones and it was good. Jesus was next to us, rooting for Ohio. Oh, how he wept. #hockey #
• 21:57 I think my sister’s boyfriend thinks i’m retarded. #
• ***
• 02:27 Got my Easter basket. Now it’s time for bed. #
• 09:44 Chooch got a Pull Apart Zombie in his Easter basket. Candy has been temporarily eschewed. #
• 11:14 I don’t know how to yoyo. I had more expensive toys to play with when I was a kid. (Said that to Henry & he promptly puked.) #
• 12:17 Um. After 9 years, Henry doesn’t know how to pronounce my middle name? #
• 13:30 I’ve not once been intrigued enough to see what happens next on godaddy.com. Sorry, Danica. #
• 13:56 Ugh, just when Henry was starting to like them // RT @AltPress: Austin Carlile: “I quit Of Mice & Men” tinyurl.com/y9xfz9j #
• 15:05 When Henry invited me to play with the food he was making, I happily RSVPd. Too bad I didn’t pick up on the sarcasm. #
• 15:30 Big J’s Resurrection makes me work hard. Then I get tired & quit. brizzly.com/pic/1YIS #
• 20:36 Holidays are awesome because I get to emasculate Henry in front of family. And eat melted butter with small pieces of vegetables in it. #
• 21:33 Just got in a brawl about Maunday-Thursday and I WON. Who’s a religious wunderkind? ME. FUCK YEAH. #
• 21:38 I love remembering that I’m the best. #
• ***
• 00:44 I enjoy watching results shows when I already know the results. Makes me feel like God. Walk it out, Hype 5-0. #
• 08:44 Obligatory Easter Bunny Photo bit.ly/a6Ly5j #
• 12:28 Punched myself while exercising, broke my finger. HELPP. #
• 12:58 And it’s my ring finger I broke. Oh irony, what would I do without your foot up my ass. #
• 13:02 Chooch: “Which one is it, this one?” AS HE SQUEEZED MY FINGER & DOUBLE-BROKE IT. Maybe next, Henry can come home & de-bone it altogether. #
• 15:38 Henry said my finger isn’t broken, it’s overextended. Ok Dr Douchebag. In srs newz, I’m about to start my new job! With a broken finger! #
• 18:57 Quickly: I love my new job. #
• 21:50 I am NOT jerryrigging my finger, Henry! I want to go to the hospital & get a CAST. For elves to sign. #
• 21:55 Oh. And the woman I’m working with is the daughter of Jack Riley, the first GM of the Penguins. WTF I love my job. #
• 23:25 Literally the only thing keeping me from fully enjoying basketball is the squeak of shoes against the court. Can’t someone fix that for me? #
• ***
• 00:20 Honest to god my finger is a very zombie hue. It’s going to fall off, isn’t it. #
• 00:29 Henry tried to look at my finger; roof almost blew off the house. Then I asked for ice that isn’t so cold. (12 hrs later, just now icing) #
• 10:26 I’d like to send human shit to the person who came up with these latest KitKat commercials. KitKat: now synonymous with obnoxious. #
• 12:35 Ain’t nobody cutting the ring from my finger. Sure, it only cost $5 but I’ve been wearing it for 12 years! #
• 12:56 Maybe for the next KitKat spot, Miley Cyrus can put Bobcat Goldtwaith’s cock in her mouth while they both sing about breaking pieces off. #
• 14:40 Chooch has a cold; needs to go to hospital. brizzly.com/pic/1ZBN #
• 15:39 Chooch is in the backseat, sleeping beneath a monkey mask. #
• 15:40 brizzly.com/pic/1ZC9 #
• 20:22 For once, I have every right to be obsessed with a bathroom. #
• 21:30 I’m so glad I’m home for the 3rd period. GO #PENS!! #
• ***
• 00:40 Someone just whistled outside my window. Wish that was some euphemism for breezy cunnilingus, but alas. #fingerisbrokestill #
• 12:00 No bread, no cheese, no milk, no bonbons – what the fuck kind of housewife ARE you, Henry?? #
• 12:23 I wish Mindy White & Anthony Green sang EVERY song together. #
• 20:02 U know what’s boring? Hearing some grandma talk about the shit she made for her son’s wedding next week. It’s in Tennesee, if u want to go. #
• 20:49 Pretty much every 4 seconds I expect to get shot in a driveby. #
• 22:30 Yes my girlfriend Ev is on Fresh Meat 2, perfect timing as my seasonal lesbianism is due to kick in any day now!! #
• 23:25 I don’t care what people say – you really CAN choose your family. #
• 23:34 Gee, I wonder why there are so many hit s to my blog from Middletown and Cincinnati, Ohio. Weird. Except not. #
• ***
• 00:57 I wish my superpower was stuffing people with cheese, grilling them, & enjoying with a side of cole slaw. #
• 11:37 I’m glad Pittsburgh got the memo that it’s April, not August. #
• 14:54 The Christina Chronicles: The Big Meet, Part 1 www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4604 #
• 18:09 Everyone here keeps telling me I’m doing a great job, like they’re afraid I’m going to quit. There’s chocolate here, I think I’ll stay. #
• 21:16 Deflection or not: SIDNEY FUCKING CROSBY!!!! #pens #
• 22:20 My face is wet. #pens #NHL #
• 23:14 The cats heard Chooch get out of bed and two of them are literally cowering behind me on the couch in anticipation of horror. #
• ***
• 11:16 To Chooch, I said, “Can’t you just act normal?” & then heard a symphony of various voices saying the same thing to me over the past 30 yrs. #
• 11:25 That new grilled cheese flavored mac&cheese is disgusting, and this time I don’t think my cooking influenced the shitty taste. #
• 15:15 Seventeen yrs later & I’m still hot for Paul Coffey, ok? #NHL #
• 22:31 Henry just gave me the “Great, she’s watching Degrassi” smirk. #
• ***
• 11:07 Just watching a bacon cheeseburger assembled with a grilled Krispy Kreme for a bun makes me want to order liposuction & stents for my heart #
• 11:34 Chooch hates having his tenses corrected. “I dont want to say shook! I want to say SHAKED!” Fine, talk like your father then!!! #
• 13:13 Reservoirs make me want to puke. #
• 13:58 Chooch’s zombie, appropriate ly placed in Evans City Cemetery brizzly.com/pic/20WQ #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.