Hola. We’re currently driving back to Pittsburgh after a weekend in Sandusky, OH and a pit stop in Cleveland to see our pall-io Jason.
We’re listening to Samantha Fox, not that it’s any of your business, BUT THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING.
I’m bored, so here are some visual aids from some quaint place in Sandusky where we got ice cream yesterday after I threw a fit and stormed out of Cedar Point (haha that’s not really how it happened but ok it’s how it happened).
We arrived behind a family of 4 or 5 who were really making the process of ordering ice cream into something way too complicated and they had all kinds of questions and requests and then Mommy (that’s what these grown-ass women called their mother when she rolled up) arrived and wanted a banana split but she hates pineapples so they had to make sure they told the SUPER PATIENT guy at the counter this but then they joked that they should order her something with pineapple and bitch I wish they would have because Mommy did not look like the type to spare the rod (Jillian Michaels says that in one of her workouts which I do often and I always say it out loud with her so it was only a matter of time before I found a way to slip this in a blog post).
Anyway, normally my patience would have been done near depleted by a family like this but I had a good feeling about this place from the moment I saw it while we were at red light and I already had one shit fit that day, actually two because I was a REAL SWEETHEART before we left the house too mmkay, so I felt like I needed to stay and wait my turn like a big girl.
Turns out, on this day the establishment was donating all of their proceeds to St Jude’s and was letting the patrons pay what they wanted! God only knows what Complicated Order family paid but Henry hooked the place up because he reasoned that we would have paid that much or more had we got ice cream at Cedar Point so why not do a good thing.
I had butter pecan flavorburst because back home, the vegan ice creamery that I love had butter pecan and I don’t normally get homesick but seeing their weekend menu definitely gave me a bit of FOMO!
It’s amazing how much better a decent ice cream cone & a change of scenery can make a bitch feel, ya know?
Afterward, Henry went to check into our “hotel” but when I saw it, I was all N-O-P-E in the style of the Village People.
So he pulled into a parking lot, canceled that piece of shit murder shack, and booked a normal “brand name” hotel and I was happy until I saw this monstrosity on the desk in our room:
When I declared that I was going to the front desk to remedy this fuck up, Henry was like, “OK but please be nice to the girl at the front desk. She’s really nice, she has friends from Pittsburgh” and he had very nervous eyeballs in this moment but apparently he wasn’t concerned enough to put his pants back on and take care of this himself.
“Yeah her name’s Emily and she’s nice!” Chooch chimes in. He ended up coming with me I guess to supervise.
Made the coffee exchange without verbal violence but when I came back to the room, I yelled, “EMILY IS REAL CUNT!”
Henry looked SO SCARED for what was about to come next but then I said “j/k. She was nice. She liked my nail polish.” And I caught Chooch’s reflection in the mirror swiping sweat from his brow.
Then we ordered pizza from some place called Cameo and when it was delivered I discovered that Henry ordered half with MUSHROOMS INSTEAD OF OLIVES WHEN EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS THAT I LIKE MY PIZZA BLACK WITH OLIVES. Henry and Chooch held their breath, but I grabbed a piece and mumbled, “You’re lucky that these aren’t those slimy canned ones.”
I was having a real…day. Emotions were running high, you guys. But we ate pizza and then went back to Cedar Point which was fine until it wasn’t and then it was cool again until it wasn’t but then the night ended on a good note. It was a real… ROLLERCOASTER OF A DAY, #DadJokeDab
Then I realized that the toothbrush in the travel bag was from our guest house in Seoul and I started crying because I wished I was back in Korea and not brushing my teeth in OHIOOOOOsobsnifflehic.