I don’t know why but I’ve never once gone to the Beacon Haunt in all of my haunting years. I’m not sure how long it’s been there but I definitely know that I’ve seen ads for it every year seemingly since the beginning of time. So I made the unilateral decision that this is where Janna, Chooch, and I would be spending our Friday night. I also made the unilateral decision that Janna would be driving.
The Beacon Hotel is an hour north of Pittsburgh and even with Janna’s shaky navigational abilities (lol) we managed to arrive with only one turn-around and no crashing into tractors crossing the dark country roads. Miracles.
I won’t get into the nitty gritty details about this haunt but I will say that if you’re operating a haunted house/hayride/corn maze and charging $20 for this racket, then at the very least you could mention somewhere on your crappy website that it’s CASH ONLY. Or maybe get with with the times and realize that 90% of the population never carry cash and some people don’t even carry WALLETS anymore now that you can pay with YOUR PHONE.
Luckily, the adjacent hotel/restaurant had an ATM but I was still annoyed because the ATM fee almost negated the fact that we had a coupon!! I AM SO CHEAP.
Anyway, it was a decent haunt! The main event is the corn maze and it’s a little misleading that they even advertise anything other than that, and some older dude in our group who was clearly drunk pissed in the cornstalks and I kind of wanted Isaac and Malachi to pull him further into their den of crunchy husks with the sharp end of a sickle.
The most important takeaway from this though is that I didn’t imprint on any of the scare actors which is always an incredible let down.
I made Janna listen to Super M on the way home and after every song, I would scream, “JANNA DID YOU LIKE THAT SONG” and she would calmly reply, “Yes, Erin.
”
Then Chooch piped up from the backseat, “Taemin’s voice is like a loud whisper.”
WHOA. So much accuracy!
We stopped for ice cream at some joint in Evans City (where Night of the Living Dead was filmed for all my horror film buffs out there) called Zimmerman’s.
ANOTHER CASH ONLY ESTABLISHMENT.
Luckily, we had change from having to pay cash at the haunted house.
There was an old lady running the cone operation and she was less than thrilled to have to get up from her chair and serve us. She let us stand out there long enough to memorize all the rules that they have taped up everywhere.
NO PETS.
NO SITTING ON THE TABLES.
TABLES FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.
NO CARDS. NO CARDS. NO CARDS.
NO U-TURNS IN PARKING LOT.
God Zimmerman’s, get a zimmergrip.
STRICT ICE CREAM.
I just had a twist with sprinkles. It was…a twist with sprinkles. Satisfying. I was going to say it’s hard to fuck up soft serve but then I remembered Millie’s nosedive into the soft serve realm.
I made Chooch sit on the table. We half-expected Mrs. Z to come flying out of a window on her broomstick and then a new ice cream flavor would be added to the window tomorrow: Chocolate Chooch Chunk.
I was like “Aw is that supposed to be a cherry?
” And Chooch and Janna thought this was absurd, like why would there be a cherry on the roof and I was like “CHERRY ON TOP OF A SUNDAE? AND THIS IS AN ICE CREAM SHOP?”
Jesus Christ!
The end.