Dec 192019

Every video I watched about Silver Dollar City gave a shout-out to the candymakin’ biddies at Brow’s Candy Factory. They give demonstrations throughout the day, so we made it a priority to catch one. Am I officially turning into an old person? Mayhaps.

I said “mayhaps.”

Fuck, I’m old.

The demonstration we caught was two of the Olds pounding out some of that famous Silver Dollar City peanut brittle. Of course, it was full of puns and dad jokes at which I laughed loudly because I knew it was making Chooch angry. Then they said that the only way the candy audience could receive a sample was by singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and I am THE WORST at knowing lyrics to Christmas songs. Those broads were actually checking the crowd too, making sure our mouths were moving, and of course every time they looked at me was at a part I couldn’t remember so I just mumbled my way through it.

And I got my sample! Most people approached in an orderly fashion but Chooch and me, and a handful of kids, were acting like it was auditions for a sport, that is to say, we were aggressive. I wanted a sampled while they were still warm, OK?!

Yeah, it was nice. Was it the best peanut brittle I’ve ever had? I don’t know — all peanut brittle tastes the same to me.

OK so you know me, the RMC-whore that I am: Outlaw Run was the main reason I wanted to come to this park that’s nearly 13 hours away by car. Everyone at work was like “bitch you cray” but if any of you are legit coaster enthusiasts, YOU UNDERSTAND. RMC is like the hottest coaster manufacturing company out there right now and I am a slut for their refurbished woodies. If you ask me, they’re the best thing to come out of Idaho since, I don’t know, potatoes probably.

Luckily for us, Outlaw Run was running all day, in spite of the weather. Although, when the gates open, we ran straight for it only to find out it was temporarily down for maintenance. Hilariously, there was just a very small crowd of us bee-lining toward it, and literally every other motherfucker veered off to another path in order to line up for one of the shows. This is why I love parks like SDC and Dollywood! Everyone goes for the shows leaving all of the rides a veritable walk-on.

The first time we rode it, some young ride attendant was assigning seats. When he tried to put us in the fifth row, I asked, “Could we have the back instead?” He tossed a furtive glance over his shoulder toward the back of the train, and then nodded. We always consider these such huge wins because we have little else going for us in life.

While we were standing in the back, waiting for the train to return, I spotted Henry standing with all of the other parents waiting to photograph their kids when the train left the station. I waved to him just as the young ride attendant* looked over at me and thought I was waving to him so he waved back and then I think he thought I had a crush on him because he smiled at me every time we came back to ride again so that was cool.

*(I forget his name! I want to say it was like, Kyle, or something and I only know that because the ride operator called him out OVER THE MICROPHONE at one point for sitting down and forgetting to assign seats, lol wow calm down buddy, there wasn’t much going on that day.)

Empty line—for an RMC!? This was when we came back for a night ride and proceeded to get off and run right back into line three times because…when an RMC is a walk-on, you GET THE FUCK BACK IN LINE. It was us and this group of three young kids who kept getting off and running back on but they were SO FUCKING ANNOYING and Chooch was like drowning in schadenfreude one of the times because the one kid got his coat snagged on the gate so we were able to breeze past him and then the other two kids had to stop and wait for him HAHAHA SUCK IT, ASSHOLES.

To get back in line, you have to run all the way through the Outlaw Run gift shop, which is where Henry was always waiting for us and he was getting so furious because he was ready to leave but we kept huffing, “JUST ONE MORE TIME!” as we galloped past him. One of the times, the lady working in the gift shop calmly told us not to run so we were like SORRY and slowed to a speedwalk until we got out of the gift shop and then we kicked our legs into high-speed cartoon-running-on-air mode.

The Outlaw Run station looks so beautiful lit up for the Christmas season!

So maybe you’re wondering, “Was it worth dragging Henry and his brokedown back on the half-country trek?” YES. YES IT WAS. That ride was fucking nuts, as RMCs tend to be on principal. Especially at night, once you got to the top of the hill, you were dropping down into a pitch-black valley and that track turns and whips you in ungodly ways even in the sunlight. I couldn’t figure out what was going on!

In case you need FACTS: This was the first wooden roller coaster manufactured by Rocky Mountain Construction and the first wooden roller coaster with multiple inversions. It really was a gamechanger and even though we’ve ridden newer RMCs, I would still say that this one holds up. My ONLY complaint is that it is infuriatingly short in length. It wasn’t too much of a deal breaker for us on this day since we were literally just walking right on it, but if I had been there on a busy day and had to stand in line for anywhere longer than 30 minutes, I’m pretty sure my opinion would be bleak.

We learned later that the ringleader of the kids we hated was named RYDER because of course he was.

Here’s a fun fact about Silver Dollar City: It’s built on top of a cavern, tours of which are included in the cost of admission! Of course Chooch and I wanted to partake in these subterranean shenanigans. Apparently though, there was flooding in part of the cave so they were only offering half-tours which meant instead of riding the tram out of the caverns, we had to walk up the steps we descended to get into it. Thank god I’m in shape, because it was like 30-some flights of steps I think they said?

Henry was unable to join us for this underground tour of puns because in the very beginning of it, there’s a true-size cut-out of the lowest opening you’ll need to walk through once in the cavern, and Henry couldn’t bend down enough to get through because of his back which cracked us up because we’re shitty people but yes, I know: REALLY NOT FUNNY, SORRY HENRY.

His back is practically fine now so don’t pity him too much.

Anyway, I’m always down for a good cavern tour and this one was really enjoyable. The theme of the tour was “guano” because that’s what was found when the cavern was first discovered, just a…shit-ton of guano.  I’d be interested in going back again when the full-tour is available though because we didn’t get to the waterfall room, whatever the fuck that its! My favorite part was when our tour guide was like, “Screw that tree outside, we have our own Christmas tree” and then lit up a giant tree made from strings of lights (see above picture!).

But yeah, the cavern is the reason Silver Dollar City exists today, so props to you, underground world.

When we made it back out of the cave, Henry was waiting for us inside the gift shop. “They’re getting ready to light the tree,” he said, and I was like, “OMG RUN!” for some reason, because I am apparently super into the lighting of Christmas trees now.

I gotta admit, it was pretty magical. I thought the lights were just being projected onto the tree because the images were so cool, but Henry verified that there was actual lights on each branch.

And then we just meandered about and enjoyed the lights, like normal Americans. That’s what you people do, right? My favorite part was when we walked by a stage with some strange man in a shimmery green blazer playing the piano. He stopped to talk to the audience and as we walked by, Chooch screamed, “MERRY XMAS” and everyone turned to look at us. Henry was really happy about that.

In case you were wondering, SDC celebrates the TRUE MEANING OF XMAS so there’s all kinds of Jesus shit everywhere.

The only argument of the day happened beneath this wreath. All I wanted was one quick shot of Chooch and me but there was a family of like 10 who were totally monopolizing the area like it was their fucking backyard and it went from one group picture to, “NOW WE NEED ONE OF JUST SUSIE AND TED. OK, NOW ANNE AND TOM” and so on until I was certain that they were doing this on purpose because they knew I was waiting to get a picture.

When it was finally all clear, Henry took a blurry picture and also cut off the top of the wreath because that’s what morons do – cut off the tops of things in pictures. So I completely lost it but then Chooch and I went back to Grandfather’s Mansion and I was OK again.

And that concludes my Silver Dollar City review. I’m excited to go back in warmer weather and ride the stuff that was closed!

Say it don't spray it.

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