tweeting for the devil’s hand

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:44 Strawberry shortcake shot from Vanilla Pastry Studio. & I say again: Suck a dick, Dozen Cupcakes. brizzly.com/pic/27D3 #
• 14:49 Chooch is on the fast track to sweets snobbery: brizzly.com/pic/27D8 #
• 18:44 I’m on a ’90s r&b kick and I fear that a suicide attempt is looming. HO W DID I LISTEN TO THIS 24:7 AS A TEEN AND LIVE TO SEE 30??? #
• 18:46 I wish I had more than 140 characters to tweet Henry’s muttering commentary as I flail around in despair. TIME FOR BABYFACE. K, BYE. #
• 19:20 Another nerve-racking night of hockey, fisting my ulcer. #StanleyCup #
• 19:25 Absolutely watching through finger-slats. #letsgopens? #
• 19:40 Unfuckingbelievable. Send me to Toronto. #
• 19:59 Chooch deleted my Zombie Farm. I might kill him. Henry is trying to play referee. I HATE KIDS! #
• 20:09 Henry, trying to calm me down post-Zombie Farm fiasco: “Sweetheart, it’s just a game.” Bring me pills, vodka, Viking porn. NOT WORDS. #
• 20:17 Crosby’s hurt & Ottawa continues to boo him. Fuck you, Canada. Classless poutine-fuckers. #
• 20:31 COOKIE! Dump some cheese curds on this game and shove it up Ottawa’s ass! #pens #stanleycup #
• 20:54 Can someone piss off Malkin? Or dress up as his parents? #pens #
• 21:25 Keep taking away our goals, we’ll just come right back with one! #letsgopens #stanleycup #
• 21:36 COOKIE AGAIN!!! Hurry up, ref. Find a reason to review this goal too. #pens #
• 21:39 Cooke > Ruutu. #
• 21:55 This game has me so stressed, I’ m about to start eating ice cream from the carton. And soaking in a gin bath. #pens #stanleycup #
• 22:17 #PENS WIN!!!!!! I’M CRYING!!! At least the Sens don’t have far to go to get home. #teetime!!!! #
• 22:21 Pascal beat Pascal. So fucking sweet! Good series, #sens. Tell Carrie Underwood to start writing a sad kuntry song for y’all. #StanleyCup #
• ***
• 00:06 I feel like having a $41 nightcap. #
• 00:44 I was really pulling for the #Avs. #StanleyCup #
• 10:23 Hmm. I’m putting together toys while Henry is upstairs sleeping. Must be either Christmas or Chooch’s birthday. #
• 11:07 Chooch, mouth ensconsed with chocolate frosting, opts to spend his birthday morning watching his idol Jason Voorhees. #
• 11:13 Remakes are lamesville, but at least this one’s got Jared Padalecki. (Though Jensen Ackles would be better.) #
• 11:18 I’m starting a Coalition to Bomb the PlayMobile Headquarters. Fucking assholes, with their eleventy billion piece play sets. #
• 12:03 Chooch, thoroughly impressed: “She’s really good at killing Jason.” He was so serious, & you missed it. #
• 12:19 I’d be pissed off too, if I was made by PlayMobile: brizzly.com/pic/27RM #
• 15:33 Alisha just said it’s weird to see Chooch with pants on. It’s true. #
• 15:37 Just suggested that we go run around in the rain. “Yeah you do that,” Alisha said. “In your see-thru shirt.” #
• 17:37 I went to great lengths to hide that fucking PlayMobile set and ALISHA SOLD ME OUT. #
• 17:38 FUCK YOU brizzly.com/pic/27WS #
• 18:17 I want Alisha to get the Bevmule. Then I can start drinking 4 beverages at once when I visit. #
• 19:08 Alisha was in the middle of watching Coraline when I abruptly turned on NHL Network. She secretly wishes she got this channel. #
• 20:06 When I complained that my headache hasn’t gone away, Henry muttered, “Thats because you can’t get away from yourself.” Dummy fucker. #
• ***
• 12:52 Thanks to everyone who wished Chooch a happy birthday yesterday! It was really sweet. <3 #
• 13:50 Somewhere in my house, I can hear the Steve Perry h it “Oh Sherry” playing. #
• 13:55 If you ask Chooch, he paid “twenny-nine butts” for everything he owns, including me. (Guys on the street say that’s double my worth) #
• 21:05 Some broad at work made butternut squash cake. I’ve never heard of it but now I know I’d like to be buried with one stuffed in my mouth. #
• 21:37 Haha, Crapitals are STUNNED. #StanleyCup #
• ***
• 01:56 The Caps were Halak’d for sure: RT @walsha: One of the top hockey columns of the season. tinyurl.com/39pepc8 #
• 12:24 Considering going to church. At least there’d be electricity there. #
• 13:14 I’m in Lego hell. If you need me, just ride down on your PlayMobile so I can shoot you in the face. #
• 13:26 As i’m sweating & swearing, assembling this Lego set, Chooch had the audacity to say: I’m laughing b/c you’ re doing it all by yourself. #
• 13:43 I want to yell, “WHEN I WAS YR AGE, I ONLY HAD CARDBOARD BOXES & TWIST TIES AS TOYS!” But we all know that’s not true. Still – fuck Legos. #
• 13:54 Today could have potentially sucked way worse than it already does Thank god for Henry and his half-assed MacGyver qualities. #
• 14:01 Chooch broke a piece off his Lego thing & expects me to fix it. Factory’s closed, son. I have divorced myself from the Lego institution. #
• 18:58 My other work boyfriend is flirting with me. I prefer this one to the other – he compliments me too much. Must be gay. #
• 18:59 Plus, this one is a lawyer. I saw him check my hand for a wedding ring! Hey Henry, you might be off the hook! #
• 19:31 I can’t wait until someone, anyone, wins the #StanleyCup so my fingernails can stop being barbeder than barbed wire. #
• 20:58 A message to strippers from Henry: Just because you make him erect does not mean he won’t hit u with his car if u jaywalk. #
• 21:40 Chooch, as a very muscular man covered in tattoos walked by: “Where’s THAT tattoo face going????” He has a death wish, only it’s for us. #
• 22:11 Today reaffirmed the fact that I just might disintegrate into a heap of incapability if it weren’t for Henry. GOD LOVE ‘EM. #
• 22:12 Damn, Datsyuk. #stanleycup #
• 23:29 Oh Coyotes. I really had a lot of hope for you. Some of the worst calls/non-calls I’ve seen so far in these #StanleyCup playoffs. #
• 23:46 I’m honestly crying as fans cheer the Coyotes. & b/c he’s the only Red Wing I don’t hate: Happy almost Birthday to Nick Lidstrom. Jerk. #
• ***
• 12:36 I love how Henry isn’t thru the door yet before Chooch starts tattling on me. “AND THEN MOMMY DID THIS, WHAT A DUMBASS!” #
• 13:13 Henry just informed me that Chooch is watching clips of The L Word on his phone. But…why? #
• 14:39 Chooch informed Henry all that he did for himself today. “I don’t need Mommy,” I heard him say. Then to the land of sex & whiskey I go! #
• 15:41 I keep learning things about Pittsburgh as we drive around & Henry is like “Where the fuck have you been the last 30 yrs?” #
• 18:41 I love how everyone here stops when they see the photo of Chooch & Chiodos, & asks, “Which one is his dad?” ANY WOULD BE FINE WITH ME. #
• 19:21 My current view: brizzly.com/pic/299N #
• 20:10 When speaking of Henry’s &my age difference, I’m qu ick to add that we met at work so our relationship doesn’t appear rooted in pedophilia. #
• 21:28 #HABS SCORE AGAIN! #
• 21:38 Ovechkin shows his “worth” as usual! Boudreau better get his shit on Monster.com. WOO HABS!!!! #stanleyCup #
• 21:40 Halak is the new Fleury. #
• 23:25 Just watched #HappyTown and am afloat on a raft of question marks. I love it already. (Plus it’s cool to see some October Road faves!) #
• ***
• 09:43 I wish all the people who say “OMG you have the coolest kid!” would come and take this “OMG coolest kid!” away from me for an hour. Or week. #
• 11:40 Henry is pissed bit.ly/dyAgJq #
• 13:22 I live vicariously thru The Hills. Thanks to Heidi, I’ll never have to get any plastic surgery. #
• 15:13 Henry to Chooch: If you’re gonna be a smartass all your life, you better learn how to fight.
• 15.15 Henry’s book on parenting will be on Army/Navy store shelves next fall.
• 15:45 Downtown in the car. Henrys singing “my life sucks” while Chooch yells “Youre a bitch” at the thugs standing along the street.
• 17:10 My co-workers have decided, behind my back, that I’m going to give them photography lessons. Fuck, I better start studying.
• 18:00 Had a flashback to Henry’s downtown-driving displeasure & LOLd at my desk. Henry’s pain is my life support.
• 18:55 Hay what’s up? Oh the usual, Henry ruined my life again. Oh, thats not rad at all. INORITE?
• 18:55 @vagynafondue We should kill him with an infected hooker’s pap smear.
• 19:27 Hi. It’s me – @vagynafondue. Officially have outgrown that nom de gross.
• 20:07 It’s disgusting how comfortable my office chair is.
• 20:51 The Curious Age Underestimation continues.
• 21:50 Henry asked me if I wanted poison for dinner and Chooch almost puked from laughing so hard. Asshole. The both of them.
• 23:09 HOW MANY STAIRCASES ARE IN MY NEIGHBORS’ HOUSE & WHY DO THEY ONLY HAVE ACCESS AFTER MIDNIGHT???? KILLKILLKILL I HATE THEIR HEAVY FOOTSTEPS!
• 23:53 Someone at work asked me if I’m on facebook. I said no before she had a chance to finish asking. No Internet presence here.
• ***
  
• 08:40 Chooch is laughing uproariously in his sleep. Hope he’s not dreaming of my slaughter.
• 17:00 A stressful week capped off with a stressful night of hockey. That’ll be good for the ol’ ticker.
• 19:23 Good goddamn, #Pens! Power play ftw! 5-2! #StanleyCup
• ***
  
• 11:05 Chooch’s presents are still trickling in // http://brizzly.com/pic/2AHD
• 12:00 Whoever bought this for Chooch, it’s awesome, you’re awesome, and he loves it! // http://brizzly.com/pic/2AHT
• 13:51 I love how my brother & his piggy friends absolutely trashed my mom’s detached garage, which I now have to clean for Chooch’s zombie party
• 13:54 And of course when it applies to me, “clean” means “delegate to Henry.” I do a lot of akimbo’ing in these sitches.
• 14:01 Pretending I’m 15 again in my mom’s yard while Henry cleans & also pretends I’m 15, maybe 13// http://brizzly.com/pic/2AK0
• 14:58 Sometimes Chooch will do something so uncharacteristically sweet, and I have to crane my neck to see if he’s got a clever behind his back.
• 15:02 Periodically, I convince Henry to drive past Kennywood so I can look at it. Opens next week! http://brizzly.com/pic/2AKQ
• 15:23 The concept of riding a bike across a bridge is disgusting to me.
• 15:30 AW! Savard wins it! I’m honestly crying happy tears for the Bruins. #StanleyCup

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.