tweets, begging for churchy literature

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:04 You just don’t really see people drinking wine from severed heads anymore. #
• 17:06 Spending an hour running in the rain thru the cemetery while listening to post-hardcore = best thing EVER. Can’t wait to live there. #
• 17:42 Nice empty net save by Bergeron! #Habs #StanleyCup #
• 17:44 If the Flyers win this series, I will literally have no one to root for in the Stanley Cup finals. No one. #
• 17:46 Leig hton is the new Halak. #
• 19:24 Oh hello lavendar white chocolate iced mocha, let’s have sex tonight. I’ll bring the strap-on. #
• 20:04 Just ran into my old friend Kim at the craft store. Apparently, her mom & Henry’s mom were friends back in the day so Henry butted in. #
• 20:16 Seeing her brought back memories of slipping into bars when I was 17. BACK WHEN I WAS EXCITING & NOT BORING. #
• 21:56 Pretty much my only ability in life is unfailingly knowing where the tape measure is, even tho I NEVER use it. & trust me, it gets around. #
• 22:39 Q :What is the significance of Appledale? … A:I saw it on a sign for a farm two years … formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/583403326 #
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• 00:07 Henry just went down into the basement to break up a cat fight and he is NOT happy about it. #
• 00:09 And by “break up,” I mean that he tossed a screen at them, of which we evidently have extra. #
• 01:41 Heidi Montag: “All guys are controlling.” I just looked at Henry, who’s eating ribs & reading Better Homes & Gardens, & laughed. #
• 01:45 I’m glad @mrsevils chose to test on me, & not some poor, downtrodden albino Thumper. #
• 01:58 Don’t these broads on The Hills realize that the only person who can save Heidi is LC? By making out. That should send Spencer back to Mars. #
• 10:24 Waiting for my eye doctor to not approve my 1800Contacts order because he hates me. #
• 10:48 I wish Henry would start making POLENTA again so I can brush the dust off my POLENTA blog category. #
• 11:22 I put my pants on left leg first; I don’t even know who I am anymore. #
• 13:02 Alisha, Chooch and I were just God blessed by the town schizo. #
• 16:00 My upstairs is clean for the first time in at least 6 years! (& I do mean the upstairs of my house, not my mind – that remains filthy.) #
• 16:41 I feel remarkably better since throwing my Sunday temper tantrum. #
• 16:52 I think I was lavendar in a past life. #
• 18:33 Having a 4 year old means never getting to watch live TV. DO NOT SPOIL THE #LOST FINALE FOR ME, TWITTER. Vampire Diaries was bad enough. #
• 18:39 I’m going to avoid the Internet altogether. As soon as I figure out how to do that. #Lost #
• 19:10 I wonder if Donald Trump fired the person responsible for scheduling Celebrity Apprentice’s finale on the same night as #Lost. #
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• 00:35 That was a depressing 2.5 hours; spent a good portion crying into Henry’s stomach. I’m in denial. #Lost #
• 00:42 Just went to hug Henry for solace and he pulled back because he thought I was going to hit him. 9 yrs, should be desensitized by now. #
• 09:35 Don’t mind me, I’m just reaching for your necklace. #
• 10:07 anyone asking me to explain the #lostfinale is clearly amnesic to the fact that I’m a dummy. #
• 11:00 Chooch is sick. I’ll be damned if he’s going to out-drama me. #
• 12:22 I’m confused as to why Dancing With the Stars is America’s #1 show. How embarrassing for our country. #
• 14:34 Q:What’s the most unselfish thing you’ve e… A:Allowed Henry to use me as arm candy. Be… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/590465801 #
• 14:36 Ask me how I like my dead bodies: formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
• 17:37 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Punk Goes Classic Rock (8), Chiodos (5) and Pierce the Veil (5) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
• 19:02 Macaroons are apparently not what i thought they were. Turns out, they’re my new favorite cookie. I’d eat thru my arm for one. #
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• 09:04 Day 2 of Chooch’s “IM SO SICK IM DYING!” pity party. Jesus Christ, where does he get this from?! #
• 11:10 Q:If you could change anything about yours… A:I still have a flesh inner-tube from Cho… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/594160118 #
• 11:10 Q:Why do you keep asking people to ask you… A:Because I’m a gullible asshole. You shou… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/594161190 #
• 12:09 I think it’s a little preposterous that Henry won’t leave work to get me a lavender white chocolate iced mocha. He needs to learn priorities #
• 12:39 Having a 4yo means unintentionally acting out variations of Who’s On First. All day long. #
• 13:15 Chooch is quoting the old Gypsy woman from Drag Me to Hell. Now he’s recounting all the scenes. “& then the girl pukes all that blood…” #
• 23:38 An episode without Sue Sylvestor does not fill me with much glee. #
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• 09:36 Legitimately panic-attacking because I have an eye doctor appointment in an hour. #
• 11:00 My new eye doctor is worlds better than my old one, & not just bc she didn’t call me a crack head. #
• 11:11 Old people walk remarkably like zombies. I know this because I’m sitting in front of Old Country Buffet & a swarm of them are headed my way. #
• 21:08 Do not talk about being a paramedic in front of Henry; I’ll have to hear him rant about it later. #
• 21:47 I was LITERALLY just thinking, “Not enough cars idle in front of my house, causing earthquakes w/ their bass” when God answered my prayers. #
• 21:58 Q:What’s your biggest guilty pleasure curr… A:Totally MTV reality. I think the only on… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/602062702 #
• 22:15 I just read somewhere that bloggers shouldn’t “cuss” in their posts; they should keep it “professional.” Well, my shitty blog is FUCKED. #
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• 12:05 Chooch makes my job easy sometimes. He just ate soap of his own volition. #
• 13:44 I need like, 10 potato sacks. Thanks. #
• 14:57 I finally added Google Friend Connect on my blog. U should click on it so I look popular. It’s on the right side! ohhonestlyerin.com #
• 14:59 I hate how much I still love Emarosa, in spite of all it means to me. #
• 15:41 Henry just yelled at some jaywalker. Through a closed window. He is so hardcore I’m tempted to bare my breast for him. #
• 15:46 There are Menonites downtown putting on a choral concert on the sidewalk. I’m tempted to punt Chooch out the car at them & flee. #
• 18:18 Fuck a patent. #
• 18:22 My declaration of things being “righteous” doesn’t happen as often as it should. Probably b/c I’m neither Bill nor Ted, but still. #
• 20:19 I hate the word “snarky.” How is that even a portmanteau for “fucking asshole.” #
• 22:51 Next Winter Classic to be held at Heinz Field – another reason for the rest of the country to hate the Penguins! #nhl #
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• 09:52 It is never too early to be this obnoxious. Or drink from the w ine bottle. #
• 13:10 Why do I have to DO stuff when I come outside, Chooch? Why can’t I just sit on my ass & tan? It’s pretty much my best talent. #
• 13:22 How am I supposed to send my kid to preschool when he can’t grasp the simple logistics behind HOPSCOTCH? Oh my god, laughing stalk. #
• 13:23 Wait. I don’t think I’m doing it right, either. Isn’t someone supposed to chuck a rock at my face at some point? #
• 15:06 Hopefully before Gary Coleman died, he learned what Willis was talkin’ ’bout. #
• 15:47 Henry’s jaywalker bloodlust is out of control. He just made a bunch of teenagers scream in horror. #
• 17:50 Listening to Barb ordering Sounds of the 70s. JELIS. #
• ***
• 11:08 Nothing beats getting held hostage by a carful of Witnesses while I’m drenched in sweat at the cemetery. #
• 11:32 Sorry ladies, this is 14 yrs too late. twitpic.com/1s61tu #
• 12:19 According to the Jesus people, I’m a “very energenic little thing.” I’m still laughing at the “little” part. #
• 12:43 Oh. I guess I never told Henry that I have a sex tape. Well, now you know, buddy! #
• 12:57 @sandehagen it’s ridic, right?? I had Menonites or some shit hand me literature on my way into work 2 days ago, as well. I must be marked. #
• 13:49 Et tu, Dennis Hopper? #
• 13:59 I’m pretty sure Chooch thinks the only way to die is to be killed by Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. #
• 14:05 At a different cemetery now, flowering my Pappap’s grave. They have their own radio station here called Prayer in the Air. It’s fantastic. #

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