tweeting from a fish bowl

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 16:14 Here to report that we’re the only crackers at this graduation party. #
• 16:51 Some early 90s r&b up in this joint. I’m half-crocked off jello shots & Seagrams. OH SHIT THIS IS HOW WE DO IT! #
• 17:06 Toya’s boyfriend just said, “It was the jello shot that took you there.” #
• 17:24 BO MB POTATO SALAD YA’LL. #
• 19:12 Just spent the last hour in the rain, some of which was watching Henry pretend to be Bobby Flay in hopes of impressing Neighbor Mark. #
• 19:40 I was about a mile away and still heard Toya say it was time for cake. BEEN WAITING ALL DAY. #
• 20:21 I’m glad Chooch has given me 26 reminders of his age today, all in varying degrees of tantrums. Boy, can’t you see I’m trying to party? #
• 21:23 Crabby Ruth went back in the house so I’ve rejoined the party and some broad is mixing me a white Russian. Holla. #
• 21:25 Her name is Peaches, the one liquoring me up. #
• ***
• 10:16 OMG PTV #
• 12 :03 90 degrees and Chooch is wearing a knit cap to Kennywood. #
• 12:15 Henry is ruining Father’s Day for me!! #
• 12:28 Chooch had a dream we were at a haunted house & Blake kicked the crawling guy’s ass. Chooch adds music to his stories now, btw. #
• 14:11 Chooch’s reaction to getting drenched on the Raging Rapids: Oh, FUCK THIS. #
• 14:44 Today is another shining reminder that I wasn’t meant to be a mother. #
• 15:53 I wish I could find a way to cram this entire day into a cadaver and fuck its asshole with a blowtorch. #
• 16:03 $87 to walk around in circles while my kid decides he’s too scared to ride every single ride here -far from priceless. #
• 17:02 I’m not keeping my hands inside. You can’t tell me. twitpic.com/1yjuf7 #
• 18:27 Free to OK home. twitpic.com/1yki1o #
• 18:55 Kennywood was completely ruined for me today. I hate four year olds. #
• 19:43 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Keyshia Cole (2), Pierce the Veil (2) and We Are the In Crowd (1) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
• 22:31 The new Pierce the Veil makes me involuntarily say “ouch.” Sickening how heart-breakingly good it is. #
• 23:16 I just don’t care who knows what anymore, is what it is. #
• 23:41 Now go bring me my brandy! (The kind in a glass, not the one chained up in my closet.) #
• ***
• 09:16 Everything’s Cuter When It’s Miniature: …except maybe bank accounts and Andre the Giant. One of my past customers … bit.ly/9ffGSF #
• 09:38 Nursing post-Kennywood wounds. Chooch’s are of the flesh; mine are on my psyche. #
• 09:47 My suggestion of Wimbeldon was quickly vetoed once Chooch realized there were no zombies on the court. #
• 09:52 Nothing like some Diary of the Dead after our morning bagel. Chooch wishes Jason was in this movie so he could kill these asshole zombies. #
• 11:53 Henry finally realized that the more often I get to go on cemetery runs, the less bitchy phone calls he gets. Concessions have been made. #
• 12:45 Mini Blake. twitpic.com/1yrqtu #
• 17:41 A bottle of champagne is literally being passed around the office. This place fucking rules. #
• 18:07 Oh thank god – I was worried I wasn’t going to get to see the cascading breasts of someone’s grandma today. But I did, don’t worry. I did. #
• 22:42 Space, what’s that. #
• ***
• 10:57 Peep Show at The Law Firm: Everything was quiet and calm yesterday at The Law Firm, until G came waltzing over to … bit.ly/bQPpH1 #
• 12:47 When Vic sings “I just wanted one dance with you,” it feels like my heart is coming out of my mouth. FUCK. #
• 13:59 Chooch is stand ing stockstill in the front yard, clad in his Jason hockey mask, staring at passers-by. #
• 15:32 The girl at the McDonald’s window will sleep well tonight knowing that my 4-year-old thinks she’s a bitch. #
• 16:32 HOLD UP! I just graciously accepted a compliment about my writing with no trace of self-deprecation. This may not have ever happened before. #
• 18:11 I have really inexplicable taste in women. Men too, when you consider Henry. Oh ho ho. #
• 19:50 God, they keep wanting me to learn new things here at The Law Firm. What do I look like, their employee? #
• 19:58 It was fun at first, but having new responsibilities dumped on me is getting old. Now when will I find the time to make fun of mommy blogs?! #
• ***
• 01:12 Henry just sat thru 2 episodes of Pretty Little Liars. Dunno what’s more pathetic – that, or the fact that I’m the one who DVRd it. #
• 09:16 OMG it’s Sammie! LOLOLOLOL. #
• 09:51 RT @snoopdogg: Sidney Crosby #87 from Pittsburgh Penguins & Captain of Team Canada what ya know about gold medals twitpic.com/1z5fda #
• 11:15 @satanmetalady she’s friends w/ Christina &her sister; my b log stats show her LJ’s been a referring link to my blog the last few days lol. #
• 11:39 @GraveDirt They use hidemyass.com – it isn’t working very well for them. And I’d know they were reading no matter what, anyway! #
• 11:44 Two of my friends tweeted about waiting for the UPS man, 8 seconds apart. Just wanted to get in on that, is all. #
• 11:50 Whoever told my son it’s OK to dump perfectly good beverages down the drain b/c we’re rich & can just buy more? Say hi to my pipe bomb. #
• 12:18 Thank you, Chooch, for letting me watch some sports today. I forgot what non-animated television program ming looked like. #
• 12:30 Peep Show at the Law Firm:: www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/5142 #
• 13:16 If we let Chooch have sugar and caffeine, I doubt I’d be able to send this tweet right now, live from the sanitarium. #
• 13:32 Brought Chooch out to play with some kids & as usual ended up getting “involved.” I’m not the town play mate, OK?? #
• 17:00 Word on the street is that my son is mocking a special needs kid on the playground right now. And I am thankfully miles away from it. #
• 17:02 Henry keeps texting me playground updates & I’m in tears at my desk, praying no one walks by. “Oh nothing, my kid’s just mocking a retard.” #
• 17:04 My crush just winked at me. #
• 18:38 July 7 = Warped Tour = Pierce the Veil: Time out. I have some stuff to write about, like neighborly happenings and… bit.ly/96ntvn #
• 18:52 Oh please, these broads don’t even know the MEANING of burnt popcorn. #
• 20:18 No one but Ryan Miller deserved the Vezina. you earned it, dude! #nhl #
• 21:08 Henrik Sedin wins the fucking Hart. Areyoukidding. Pathetic. Only brightside is that it wasn’t Ovechkin. #NHL #
• 23:05 Seriously, how do you people wear glasses? I’m trying my new ones out & in the span of 3 minutes tripped down the steps &almost passed out. #
• 23:06 If I sit real still……. #
• 23:09 That’s it. I’m smashing the lenses out of these & just wearing the frames as an accessory. Fuck vision. #
• 23:17 Attempted to look down and almost puked. I think I need frames that are more rectangular. Or I could just gouge out my eyes. #
• 23:44 Switched Twitter apps so hopefully the sporadic repeat-tweets will cease. I still haven’t found an app that I love. #
• ***
• 12:44 I think this might be the 9 year anniversary of @awoodhick’s and my supposed one night stand. OH LOOK AT US NOW, WOULDYA. #
• 14:17 The Christina Chronicles: When Boyfriends & Girlfriends Collide: The thing that made Henry angry about my inaugura… bit.ly/bqqUpA #
• 13:41 Blake just saved a soccer ball from the jaws of speeding vehicles; hero of the block. #
• 15:19 Don’t rain on my parade. You can piss in my Wheaties though. I don’t eat Wheaties. #
• 15:50 Henry just asked, “Is it time for the furry convention already? Because that’s the second girl Ive seen with a tail.” #
• 16:29 I’m a little worried by the way one of the analysts just told me we’re gonna have a nice Friday night. #
• 17:41 Capped off a snark remark to a co-worker by nearly falling on my ass. He keeps talking about Karma but I’m thinking Vodka. #
• 17:45 Seriously? Spellcheck changed “smart” to “snark” in my last tweet and you all know how much I hate that word. Maybe it IS karma. #
• 20:32 Blake, on walking around downtown with a tail: “I would NOT. That is something i would NOT do.” #
• 20:34 I got to leave work early! The sun’s still out! I don’t know what to do with myself! (Aside from shielding my eyes.) #
• 23:43 On my way home from margaritas with @bonecrusher82, I lost my voice & the hearing in my right ear came back. One of the two is a miracle. #
• ***
• 00:10 @bonecrusher82 haha or the guy wiping the same part of the wall over and over! #
• 10:38 I left Chooch home w/ Blake while I went for a cemetery run & not only are they both still alive, there’s no blood & the house still stands. #
• 12:00 Get ready for the best day of 2010, Henry my love! brizzly.com/pic/2VA5 #
• 13:41 Seriously considering asking for an earlier shift so I’ll have less time to go through the mom-motions. THIS DOES NOT SUIT ME. #
• 14:34 Was trying to determine the biggest part of my body when Henry answered for me: my mouth:( #
• 14:40 Henry switched his bandanna from Blood to Crip. They’re gonna have to disguise his voice on the next episode of Gangland. #
• 17:41 Makes me feel excited! RT @NHL The stage @ #NHLDraft ready to go at Staples Center in LA-lots of talking going on. twitpic.com/1zx2nx #
• 18:07 Well I was wrong about the resurgence in audibility of my right ear. It’s either doctor time or time to accept partial deafness. #
• 22:53 I wish I was capable of giving a shit about tapdance, but it just feels like I’m trying to pass a burning Christmas tree. #
• ***
• 00:20 Two fucked eyes, one fucked ear. I’m doing fantastic. Absobitchin’ fantastic. #
• 10:30 Hey boyyyyyyy. I predict today is gonna be a good day. Despite the fact I couldn’t make oatmeal because my housewife didn’t buy milk. #
• 10:43 I wonder if Henry would notice if he came home to one less son. #
• 11:46 Trying to type while w earing my glasses, but when I look down, my hands look like they could have belonged to Jon Benet Ramsay. #
• 12:14 Goddamn Kennywood: Hey, what do we do around here for Mother’s Day? Nothing. What do we do for Father’s Day? Oh, s… bit.ly/b2g6ke #
• 12:51 While cleaning the garage, Henry found his wedding video! Who wants to come watch it?? Maybe do some speedballs in Big Ds honor? #
• 13:27 On hold with my eye doctor, got to hear the tail end of Firefall’s “You Are the Woman,” flute flourish & all. Definitely a good day! #

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