Jun 172021

Just a quick little life update to talk about how I’m missing the office and while I’m sure it will still be partially a drag when it’s time to go back and the novelty of seeing everyone again and being able to go for walks downtown will quickly wear off, I will try not to take these simple things for granted again.

Two things triggered my work sentimentality:


Every year, we have an on-site wellness exam thingie where you go and have your biometrics screened (whatever that means) and then something good happens with your health insurance. I participate in this every year, not because of the mysterious health insurance thing, but because I LOVE SEEING MY GOODLY NUMBERS. If you don’t know, I AM OBSESSED WITH GOODLY NUMBERS. I mean, I count calories and have been using a FitBit or other pedometer RELIGIOUSLY since like, 2012. Like, when I forget that my FitBit is on the charger and I walk upstairs to get something (usually just to stare at my glowing Cure wall, but you guys been knowing), I will throw a FUCKING FIT over those lost steps.

However, for as much as I love being fawned over my lab people (one guy tried to distract me from the finger-pricking by saying, “Did you know you can see Kennywood from here?” and when I cried, “NO WHERE?!” he was like, “*prick* Just kidding.” I will never forget it), I would still typically need someone to accompany up there (usually Amber) because I would get major Nerves. Shocking, I know.

Last year, they flat out didn’t do the screenings at all, obviously because who the fuck was caring about their HDL (is that even a thing? There a lot of acronyms on the sheet that they fill out) during the beginning months of covid, you know? Well, maybe Dr. Oz. Or like, Tony Robbins.

But this year, the Firm announced that we could participate by either having our doctor do it, or schedule an appointment through LabCorp. I opted for the latter and went through the whole fasting rigmarole, then promptly woke up this morning and PANICKED because who was going to go with me?! No one, that’s who! Time to dream up an imaginary friend, Erin, quickly! (Can you believe I never had one?!)

Anyway, my appointment was at 8 and it went fairly swiftly but the technician lady was asking me about this strange paperwork that I apparently was supposed to bring with me and I knew nothing about this do you know why BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE MY WORK FRIENDS HELPING ME, OK!? I had to do this by myself! The technician lady said it was OK but I could tell by her tone that it was the opposite of OK and when she mumbled something about how she needs to send it in with my blood work but that’s OK, I knew for certain that I was on THE LIST. Then she tried to cover her annoyance by saying that there are several Erin Kellys in the system and she just needed to make sure she had the right one which gave me the perfect segue into my WRONG ERIN KELLY email drama because if anyone can get me to spew small talk like I don’t sit around conversing with cats & squirrels all day, it’s medical professionals. Sitting in an exam room makes me come off as a Super Extrovert Practicing For Improv Tonight. All of that old personality that I keep stuffed deep down behind the PTSD and Ultra-Depression come popping out and the next thing you know, I have an inside joke now with Paula the Dental Hygienist and my old eye doctor is calling me a crack head.

OK OK where was I. So now the tech isn’t mad at me anymore and we’re having a great conversation, when she tells me to go ahead and extend my arm on the weird table thingie connected to the chair, and I’m still chatting away and giggling while she’s telling me now to make a fist and she’s wrapping a purple thingie around my bicep and in my head, I’m thinking, “Wow, blood pressure cuffs have changed since two years ago” and then suddenly SHE IS STICKING A NEEDLE IN THE CROOK OF MY ARM AND I GO, “Oh! Wow! That’s a needle. We’re doing this! I thought you were just taking my blood pressure” and she was like, “Oh, no that’s next” but the way she said it, it was like she thought the blood pressure part was what I was nervous about?! AND NOT THE SURPRISE NEEDLE.

Hello, I am used to the finger prick, which still isn’t a walk in Seoul Forest, but at least it’s over in .02 seconds. This went on endlessly, like who the fuck is checking my biometrics, Count Dracula, what the fuck.

Anyway, so that happened today. Oh and where all my peeps like me who weigh themselves each time they put on the next ultra-thin article of clothing, to make sure the clothes you’re wearing to the screening won’t add ounces to your weight? ‘Cuz I did that methodically in my room this morning. Super light leggings and a thin AF t-shirt FTW.

So, that was my day. Missed my co-workers mocking me for immediately swapping out the beige Band-Aid for one of the cool dino ones that I keep in my desk because you bet your ass I keep multiple boxes of Band-Aids in my desk, do you know me? Fuck if I have anything else important like Tylenol or tampons, but I got a sick array of Ikea Band-Aids, bay-bay.

2. MY DESK!!

Megan had to go into the office yesterday for IT help and she sent me pictures of my desk while she was there!!

Oh my god, I miss it. I really do. I miss my magnets and Fiji Mermaid and G Dragon memorabilia and international candy that probably already out of date when I bought it in February 2020.

The way I left my Snuggie balled up on my chair like I wouldn’t be out of the office for a year and a half tho, lol ugh.

I know I will especially miss it during the summer heat wave when I’m working in an un-air conditioned house with sweat dripping down my back.

Say it don't spray it.

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