Aug 092021

In an effort to cleanse the eyeballs of rollercoaster-related word overload, here is a round-up of bullets featuring the latest bullshit in my life. Wow, such self-importance.

  • Over the weekend, I had this dream where Henry turned out to be some sort of immortal entity, it had something to do with apples like he was an Orchard Overlord or some such bullshit, and therefore told me that we could not be together since I was merely a flesh-sack with an expiration date. I got SUPER hysterical in my dream, could actually feel my heart splintering, and I was following him all around this…ORCHARD?? I JUST REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY AN ORCHARD…begging him to “turn me,” god only know what THAT would entail. Anyway, I woke up Sunday morning and was proceeded to oscillate between extreme clinginess and Tourettes-like barrages of insults which obviously is me flirting. HE PLANNED THIS.
  • The first weekend we were home After Vacation, I was sitting on the couch reading when suddenly I heard HNC’s wife-thing shouting from her porch, “HNC! COME GET YOUR FRIEND!” and then she was Yinzer-shrieking, “Shoo! Shoo!” Sure enough, I looked outside and saw that BUDDY (my favorite Buddy at that: GIRL Buddy) was sitting in her yard, noshing on a peanut. Literally, HNC’s wife had to call HNC up from the backyard just to have him walk toward Buddy so that she would come back to our yard. Then he proceeded to stand there, shaking his head and staring at her as she helped herself to more peanuts on our porch WHICH SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DO SO. I am so sick of these people taking offense to every little goddamn thing that happens on this block. KINDLY SIT ON A DICK, THANK YOU.
    • who the fuck SHOOS a squirrel, amirite?! Jesus Christ, what a miserable human.
  • Hello, some vegan treats we’ve had since we’ve been home are as follows: the pandan horchata of my dreams and tamales from Onion Maiden, and donuts from Valkyrie Donuts. Something about the square shape of them makes them even more fun to me. And they were so fucking delicious! I mean, Henry and Chooch didn’t even wait for me to come into the kitchen before they were already hacking away at them.

  • Chooch was cutting the grass the other day (what a shocker, that kid does the bare minimum around here). I was in the house and noticed that there was a loud noise and then silence. Then I hear Wife of HNC say, “DIDYA HIT SOMETHING?” and then a male voice joined in so I looked out the window just in time  to see one of the guys who lives several houses up walking toward our yard with something metal in his hand OH OK IT JUST PART OF THE FUCKING BLADE THAT’S ALL. Whatever Chooch mowed over SNAPPED PART OF THE BLADE OFF and sent it cruising up the block where it struck a telephone pole right next to the neighbor guy, who happened to be working on his car on the street. The sidewalk on our block almost always has pedestrians on it so the fact that no one was there when this happened was so lucky, otherwise it could have been a FINAL DESTINATION scene. Henry Dearest went running outside to pretend like he was there the whole time and hadn’t left his incompetent son unsupervised, and Chooch was like, “Cool I guess that means my lawnmowing privileges’ are revoked, bye.” Meanwhile the neighbor guy was fixated on the fact the blade could have hit a nearby parked BMW, never mind the fact that his fucking head was inches away from becoming a Dario Argento wet dream.
  • Olympics thoughts: while I am depressed that they’re over, I think it’s fair to say that they just weren’t the same. I mean, obviously. I miss Michael Phelps SO MUCH and I hated all the negativity toward Simone Biles (but was also pleasantly surprised to see that she was getting just as much support too!). The whole thing was so underwhelming, just like Jade Carey and her mom:
      • I got super into rhythmic gymnastics this time though  but felt that the Italian team’s routine would have been so much better if they used Goblin’s theme for Suspiria, whoa two Argento references in one post DO I SMELL A MOVIE NIGHT COMING UP?
  • I finally chased down that elusive 365 streak on Duolingo after years of being thwarted by time changes or thinking I had a streak saver thing WHEN I DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAVE ONE.  Literally, one time I lost a huge streak because I was ON THE PLANE HOME FROM THE COUNTRY WHOSE LANGUAGE I AM TRYING TO LEARN.

  • At least once a week I rant to Henry about how much I hate the song American Pie, like I truly fucking want to punt it straight back up into where it came from: Don McLean’s puckered asshole. The radio station Henry has on in our bedroom plays it so fucking much that I truly hear it about once a day. THAT IS A LOT OF AMERICAN PIE. Was it even played that much back in the day when the choices were slim-pickins?? Anyway, this latest time that I heard it, I felt inspired to smash a dish against my face, but instead I texted, “AND I HATE THAT HE RHYMES DOORSTEP WITH STEP, WHAT LAZY FUCKING SONG-WRITING.” Oh, just fuck off!!!

  • And let’s end on a bright, positive CAT NOTE:


Say it don't spray it.

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