I don’t see Dennis very often, because he’s usually assigned at my company’s other office, but when he’s at this location he always stops by to chat. He’s an older man, fifties at least, and always smiling. Sometimes he comes packing candy, and he’s always packing compliments.
One night, he begged for permission to tug on my pigtails and I laughed because it’s funny when old men flirt with young girls. And kind of sick, but I’ll take it, because I’m hard pressed for some action these days.
Earlier tonight, Dennis stopped over to say hello to Eleanore and me. In conversation, he mentioned that he had plans on eating popcorn and watching golf this weekend.
"I love golf! Phil Mickleson in the house!" I cheered, happy to finally be a part of a sports convo.
Dennis’s smile faltered slightly, so I repeated, in regular adult speech, "Phil Mickelson is my favorite."
Dennis’s smile was all but a sweet memory by that admission. "You think so? I think he’s a terrible putter. He’s not that good at all."
My lips tightened. "I love him," I said tersely, blood rushing to my cheeks.
"He’s left-handed. Watch his putts sometime – they all veer off to the left!" He chuckled and shook his head, clearly delighting in some fucked up replay of Phil putting.
I couldn’t think of a retort so I sat here with my mouth slightly agape, eyes squinting back ire.
"You don’t really know anything about golf, do you?" Dennis asked, laughing.
"Phil Mickelson is handsome!" I shouted, shoving past him to go cool off in the kitchen. Then I emailed Collin about it, hoping he’d sock Dennis in the nuts for me, but instead he LAUGHED. You know, through email he laughed. It was easier being on LOLpatrol when I sat next to him.
Seriously, don’t fuck with Phil Mickelson. One time, I was perusing his website (this was back in the height of my adoration for him, back when I had a Phil desktop shrine and cat-called every time his ExxonMobil commercial came on) and in the forums, some ASSHOLE had the audacity to post, in a very slanderous manner, that Phil had sired an illegitimate child.
Oh no. No, no, no. I wasn’t about to sit back and let some dickshitter sling such scandelous words about my Phil, so you know what I said?
And you know what that bag of shit jelly said back to me?
NOTHING. NOT A GODDAMNED THING.
EDIT: My favorite security guard is here right now and he just said, "Oh Phil! Yeah, Phil’s i-ight." This is why he’s my FAVORITE guard. Also because he’s cute. And has the boy version of my name, best name ever.