Nov 092022

I love October so effing much but – oof – it is so bittersweet. I always have that “I’m running out of time!!” sensation so I’m not always living in the moment because I’m internally panicking about not being able to do everything, but no, I don’t want haunted houses to be a year-round thing because that kills the novelty and anticipation. I think it all boils down to exactly what the doves have been crying about: I’m just never satisfied.

Anyway, here is a round-up of the last haunts we squeezed in during the final days of October.

FRIGHT FARM! WOO! This was Henry and Zakk’s first time here, but Chooch and I are seasoned pros by now. I was so excited for Henry and Zakk to experience what is essentially the granddaddy of farm haunts. First of all, this photo is blurry because I WAS SO FUCKING COLD. Literally shivering and wishing I had brought gloves in addition to the knit beanie and boots I was already wearing.

Henry was a big fan of the snack options. It gave him something to do while we were watching for an hour-ish for our group # to be called. At least we didn’t have to stand in line!

Zakk’s new girlfriend. Chooch was jel.

Anyway, some quick thoughts:

  • An actual line-dance happened when Flo-Rida and Kesha’s “Timber” came on, and I was extremely uncomfortable about that.
  • An older man behind me on the hayride kept announcing everything that was about to happen to his companion, Ruthie. I kept looking behind me and Ruthie was legit recording the whole thing with her phone so I think she was aware of it.
    • Literally, the whole damn thing!!
  • Hayride portion was sick as usual, possibly the best hayride around.
  • Once we got to the haunted house part, we had to stand in line with like, and I’m not exaggerating here, 12 different large groups of extremely loud and inebriated people?! All the guys looked like people Blake would be friends with. It was so annoying, yet somehow the line moved extremely fast because most people were standing in clumps waiting for their friends to use the porta potties so everyone was just cutting past them. But then the kid manning the entrance to the walk-thru was letting huge groups go through at once so that was a major haunted house foul, come on kid.
  • We were the last people in the group that got sent in, but somehow a group of 5 TOTALLY HIGH/DRUNK ASSHOLES caught up to us. They were insufferable. I don’t like making a scene (LOL ok) but all I kept thinking was that we drove an hour to get to this place and then paid $100 for admission, so I was not about to let these assholes fuck with my night. “Look, I’m going to pretend like I have to tie my shoe so that they’ll go past us,” I whispered to Henry who probably didn’t hear me because he can’t hear anything anymore. I dropped into a squat to fake-tie my shoe while dramatically saying, “UH OH I HAVE TO TIE MY SHOE, YOU GUYS CAN GO ON AHEAD” but then they were going to STOP so I hurriedly waved them past while I did the worst shoe-typing pantomime which involved me fluffing my laces and then IMMEDIATELY standing back up once they passed us – it was so obvious but….they were so stoned, so it probably seemed normal to them. We caught up to them at the checkpoint for the actual haunted house (the first part is mostly outdoors) but I flat out said to the girl manning the door, “I don’t want to go in with those people” and she said, “Oh yeah, no problem,” letting the door close behind them. “I could tell by your face that they were annoying you.” Other groups had caught up to us by then, but she was a fucking sweetheart and let just the four of us go inside alone and NO ONE BOTHERED US (well, aside from the monsters, but we want to be bothered by them) so YOU’RE WELCOME FOR SAVING THE NIGHT WITH MY FAKE SHOE ISSUES, GUYS.
  • Look, I’m not straight-edge or a NARC or anything, but there is nothing worse than being sober in public while a bunch of jackasses parade around you in a state of extreme intoxication. TIME AND A PLACE. TIME. AND. A. PLACE.

It was like 40 degrees but go on with your shorts and t-shirts.

I’ve seen this one in the haunted listings for years and years but for some reason, we have never gone. I was tired of spending lots of money on these haunted nights so when I saw that this one was only (“only”) $15, I penciled it in. Plus, the entire proceeds go to ANIMALS!!! We love that.

Also, that’s Henry’s “Leave My Woman Alone, Chainsaw Guy!“ face. Lol j/k, he moves out of the way for them.

Anyway, this was fantastic – so reminiscent of the ones I used to go to in the 90s with Christy and/or the LAME crew. I was laughing so much and one of the guys was wearing a Sloth mask and he followed me for a LONG WHILE and then growled, “SEE YOU LATER TONIGHT” and it was sinister yet HOT?!

There was a middle school-ish aged girl dressed as a dead cheerleader and she stole the show. I made sure to tell her that when I saw her outside of the trail as we were leaving (wait – she WAS supposed to be part of the trail, right? WAS SHE AN ACTUAL DEAD CHEERLEADER???) and she giggled and then skipped off. It was adorable.

The last haunt of the season was last Friday night – Wells Township Haunted House, and oh you guys know EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED THERE, LOL.

Honestly, though – aside from my WOUND – this was still one of the best haunts I went to all season, if not ever. I just love how balls to the wall it is, I don’t mind being touched at all; in fact, in one of the first rooms, someone was VICIOUSLY tickling my sides, like they were relentless about it. I was SCREAM-LAUGHING so hard into Henry’s back, literally almost peed my pants which is how you know it’s a good haunt!

I would not recommend this one to anyone with depth perception (lol, it me) or mobility issues because one of the scariest parts is not knowing where you’re going, if there are steps coming up (usually the have someone guiding you but there was one part where I had to toe the area in front of me and holler, “THERE’S A STEP!” to Henry who at some point got behind me and I don’t know what’s scarier: being in the lead or in the back!

Well, that completes the 2022 Haunted House Circuit. It was a good one, for sure, but you know…the older I get, the less people I can find to go to these with me – especially now that I almost lost a foot to a chainsaw guy. I’m sure that’s a sign from the universe saying: FIND GROWN-UP HOBBIES. Pfft, yeah no thanks!

Say it don't spray it.

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