Dec 212023

One of the non-negotiable items on my vacation itinerary wish list was to dine at Old Hansa, which is a medieval-themed restaurants serving only what would have been found in people’s pantries back in the day. I knew going into this that it is a TOTAL TOURISTY thing to do but I cared not. I wanted to eat here. I mean, when in Tallinn, right?

Oh, and the other deciding factor was that they have a vegetarian and vegan section on the menu! We made reservations a few mths in advance and it turns out, totally not needed. Maybe because it was a Thursday at 4pm, I dunno, but the inside seating of the restaurant was almost completely empty. There were a good bit of people sitting outside, but I wanted the candlelit experience of the indoors!

I wish I had gotten a photo of our waiter but he was wonderful, never strayed from his medieval fief (?) character, and steered me clear of what I was originally going to order because it was “hit or miss” with a “strong taste” that “some diners didn’t care for.”

I appreciated him for this.

Chooch and his non-alcoholic beer which of course didn’t like.

Medieval bathroom selfie.

Oven-baked herb and juniper cheese. Um, just looking at this picture has activated my saliva glands, I am gleeking like no one’s business over here. The taste memory of this appetizer is haunting my tongue like a ghost wearing a flavor sheet. FML, I want to go back to this moment.

I ended up getting the Five Tastes of Vegetarian Origin: Crusader’s Lentils, Ginger Rutabaga, Saffron Spelt,
Forest Mushroom Sauce, Rickard’s Cheese Pasties with Garlic and Herbs. It was DELICIOUS. Like, lick-the-plate-clean levels of delicioso.

Chooch got the Faraway Merchant’s Lentil Dish: Spicy Lentils and Saffron Spelt with plentiful Greens and Crispy Lentil Bread. Which he of course did not like so Henry and I ravaged his refuse.

Henry got salmon or something, he can’t remember.

Yes, this was expensive, definitely the most expensive meal of the whole trip. But to me, it was worth it for the experience and the ambiance, and I’m sorry but everything on my plate was excelsior and unlike anything I have ever eaten before. After all the cinnamon rolls and licorice, my body was praising me for giving it vegetables.

(Fun fact: There are no potatoes to be found on the menu because potatoes weren’t available back then!)

Then we went to the shoppe so I could so a schnapps tasting but Henry the Fucker took the cup and drank half of it!! I was so fucking offended. Literally almost started a fight with him over it but whatever.

I’ll tell you what, even just the half-shot that my Big Strong Keeper Man permitted me to have did wonders for my sinuses! I was like a brand new woman for about 10 minutes but then I got all clogged up again so I think the lesson learned here is that hourly shots of schnapps need to be tossed back.

Anyway, I bought a bottle for Margie, because I knew she would appreciate souvenir liquor. I gave it to her in the office too and she was like, “SHOULD WE DRINK THIS NOW??” Um, yes??

(We didn’t.)


Then we went to Europe’s oldest, continually operating pharmacy which also has a small, free museum area.

This is one of my favorite photos that I took while in Tallinn, in case you cared. (WHY DON’T YOU CARE??)


Then we had a tony bit of time to kill before the Depeche Mode Bar opened so we just strolled around.

Fuck Putin.

Eat shit, Putin.

Then, Depeche Mode Bar! Next up: Chooch’s stupid Tallinn coaster credit.

I’m telling you – one day in Tallinn just wasn’t enough. It was BARELY even enough to enjoy all that Old Town alone has to offer. I hope we make it back someday because I really loved it there a lot. Great people, great vibes, so much history and beauty.

Say it don't spray it.

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