About a month or so ago, my therapist gave me this “empty nester” worksheet to help me put in writing a lot of the things I’m feeling so that we can find coping solutions, ways to grow, new avenues to explore that veer away from the bridge/cliff/5th story window, etc. It was really easy for me to answer everything on the page because I am so IN MY FEELINGS 24:7, surprise, surprise. But the one that tripped me up, and I’m sorry I don’t have it in front of me so I have to paraphrase, was something about listing some things that I have always wanted to do but never could while I was busy parenting. Or something.

So, I was like, “OK cool, this is the fun part.” But then I just stared at the page. I couldn’t think of anything! Because look, when I became pregnant, a close friend at the time said to me, “Well, it was nice knowing you.”

I was completely caught off guard by that and asked wtf that meant.

She explained that people change when they become parents, implying that my only identity then would be “mom.” That all of my current hobbies, interests, passions would fade away and be replaced by, what? A minivan, mom jeans, and PTA meetings? I’m almost glad that she was audacious enough to say that to my face because it really stuck with me, obviously it’s 20 years later and I still think about it, ha! I can’t say for sure if I would have naturally gone the same route regardless, but it did trigger me, gave me a bit of a complex, and I was determined to find balance as a mom and as…me.

I never stopped geeking out about music. I never stopped going to concerts. I got back into art for the first time since way before I was a mom, I still kept writing.

Haunted houses? More than ever.

Road trips? Tons.

Big travel? Eventually, yes, we got there as a family!

Becoming Chooch’s mom was THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. But one time at work, one of my coworkers said to me, ” God, I always forget that you’re a mom.” And that was one of the compliments ever! Because YOU CAN BE BOTH A PARENT AND YOUR OWN PERSON. BOTH CAN EXIST AT THE SAME TIME!

So, I told my therapist later that I couldn’t think of anything to put on that line because I have been able to do all the things I wanted to do while still being a mom. And she said, “That is really amazing.”

But I went on to tell her that after going to a few non-Kpop concerts this year, and then accidentally obsessing over Johnnie Guilbert which got me back into scene music, I realized that while Kpop is still my #1, it sucks to only be able to go to those kinds of concerts several times a year. (Dude, we have to travel for every single one of them + HAVE YOU SEEN KPOP TICKET PRICES.) So I decided that instead of choosing something new (not to exclude new things! I’m sure new interests will arise from time to time, they always do with me!), what if I…allowed some of the “old” back in. The “past” parts of me. And find a balance between the two.

Because not only will it keep me feeling young and excited for things coming up, but it will scratch that live music itch in between Kpop concerts.

I was worried my therapist would consider this akin to living in the past, not allowing personal growth, etc. But she fully supports it!

And thanks to Johnnie Guilbert (lol), I went to see Pierce the Veil and my Spotify has cracked the door open for my old Swancore* mainstays to slip back in as well.

*(Speaking of swancore, I can’t believe I’m so old that I was there for the genesis of swancore and now it seems like fans of the sub-genre don’t even realize who it was named after?!?)

So now I am giddily adding little concerts here and there into our schedule and Henry is in full OH BOY mode, lol.

I just can’t keep sitting here every night after work doing nothing. It’s a pit of despair. Log off, eat dinner, exercise, watch YouTube, go to bed. I would rather have events/concerts to go to rather than something like a lesson or a class that is consistently on my schedule because commitment is hard for me and makes me lose interest, fast!

(I am still not ruling out something that Henry and I can jointly enroll in because I really think he needs to find things to enjoy in life too, like BALLROOM DANCING, I don’t know why I’m so fixated on that because I truly have no interest in it other than I think it would be hilarious.)

(Because, it’s me and Henry.)

(Doing ANY kind of dancing together.)

(Kara, maybe MACRAME, FINALLY??)

When we were with Chooch in Philly on Sunday, he randomly started telling me about the bands he has been listening to a lot lately, like DEFTONES and Pierce the Veil! Deftones was especially exciting for me because I was his exact age when I constantly played their Adrenaline album (ON CASSETTE) in my Eagle Talon when I was first living on my own. And then we just sat there and dished about music and it was so important and special to me because I have included him in so much of my music obsessions all through his childhood and to be able to sit there with him as basically an adult, and talk about this and see that he really appreciates it now – it was so huge for me! Yo, Pierce the Veil was his first concert when he was….6??? And it was a roadtrip concert, no less!

I don’t know, I guess I just needed to type all of this out to hold myself accountable and actually start living my life again. Crying every day is not the way!

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