My Halloween costume every year: desperate for trick or treaters, looking like a bitch waiting for her fisherman husband to return home from sea. This might be the worst Halloween yet and some A-HOLE a few houses up (the drunk guy who tried to barge into HNC’s house a few years ago with his drunk wife!!!) has decided for the first time ever to hand out candy so he was hulking around the sidewalk with a CASSEROLE DISH and legit just tried to STEAL A TRICK OR TREATER FROM ME. I had to deer-leap out my front door and cry WAIT COME HERE FIRST.

Eff that guy and his casserole dish.

P.S. I only know it’s a casserole dish bc Henry said “he has his candy in a casserole dish.” Like, why would I ever know what that is, amirite.

I was texting Chooch a play-by-play from the night and I am sure he was sitting at the edge of his seat, caring deeply about this. I was so pissed because this dumb drunk guy NEVER HANDS OUT CANDY?? And I lost an idiot kid to him because I guess walking up sidewalks is too much of a hassle so he and his dumb parents and toddler-sibling in a stroller-wagon with fake leaves and a Jurassic Park sign skipped over my house (I HAD MY PORCH LIGHT ON AND IT’S A COLOR-CHANGING LED LIGHT SO YOU WOULD THINK THAT WOULD INDICATE WE’RE A CANDY-GIVING HOUSEHOLD) and went straight to that asshole because he was SITTING OUTSIDE WITH THE CANDY CASSEROLE PAN. I was livid.

Meanwhile, Henry just sits on his ass the whole time, watching Instagram reels. He is the most brain-rotted adult male that I know and I would love to just rip that phone out of his hands and smash it LIKE HELLO YOU ARE MISSING ALL OF THESE THINGS AKA MY PERFECTLY CRAFTED AND WELL-TIMED QUIPS BUT OK, KEEP WATCHING YOUR JUNK THAT YOU WILL THEN SEND TO CHOOCH ONLY FOR HIM TO TELL YOU HE’S ALREADY SEEN IT AND/OR IT’S NOT THAT FUNNY.

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday but lately I am so sour and bitter because I’m sick of it all!!!

Anyway, I would say we (“we” like Henry ever came to the door even once) got about 7 or 8 kids total. I felt bad because the kid that almost skipped me because of Casserole Asshole was a bit older, maybe middle school or 9th grade, so I thought I was OK to totally barrel out of the door with the candy and cry, “I’m desperate!” Turns out she may have been autistic or something because she seemed really terrified of me and had a very pronounced stutter and I felt really bad for letting my lunacy leave the house with me.

There were NO KIDS who came to this house of their own accord. I had to stand at the door holding my pumpkin basket and literally making, “COME HERE” finger waves like I’m the Old Ass Schizo Widow of Pioneer. (MIGHT AS WELL BE A WIDOW, INSTAGRAM REELS HAS KILLED MOST OF HENRY’S BRAIN CELLS AT THIS POINT).

Meanwhile, one of the people who lives next door did a couple + dog Toy Story costume theme and they looked so fucking adorable sitting out on their porch with their candy bowl, only for NO KIDS TO PASS BY so they gave up and went inside. They did get two small groups of older kids that came to their door after that though (and don’t worry, I got them too!) but it made me sad for them. I hate this fucking street so much.

My last customers weren’t even trick-or-treaters, I don’t think. They were two high school-aged boys walking past with their bikes. I think MAYBE one of them had face paint on, I’m not sure, and I also think that maybe they WERE attempting to trick or treat because they DID have tote bags. They stopped when they got to my neighbor’s sidewalk because they had their porch light on and actually have a few Halloween decorations up, so after I watched them go there, I frantically waved them to my house too. WHAT NICE BOYS. Literally, so polite, so grateful. I told them to take a bunch since we always have so much left, and they still each only took one so I had to insist. They wished me a Happy Halloween AND a good night and you know what? I almost started to cry because I am so sick and tired of the rhetoric I see online about how “only kids of a certain age” should trick-or-treat, and people who “won’t give candy to kids who aren’t in costume.”

Look, I live in a neighborhood of the city of Pittsburgh. There are some rough sections here. Some of these kids could be out doing WAY WORSE THINGS but here they are, politely collecting candy as is the custom on this day. I don’t LIKE kids, you know I don’t, but I like this holiday and Jesus Christ can we just let kids be kids?? I don’t give a shit if an 18-year-old high school senior comes to my door for candy on Halloween. To me, kids are kids all the way through high school. Let them hang on to their youth for a little longer MY GOD.

Also, the costume bit? You don’t know these kids’ lives. Maybe they have parents who are never home because they have to work several jobs. Maybe they just have deadbeat parents in general who don’t care to help in the costume department. Maybe they don’t HAVE THE  MONEY – SHIT SUCKS, REMEMBER? Just because some parents can afford to get their kid a costume at Spirit Halloween, or just because they have the time, ingenuity, and creativity to make a costume for your child doesn’t mean that all parents do. My criteria is “trick-or-treat” and “thank you.” And every kid that came here that night did that and more. They were so sweet and polite. Take all my fucking candy and enjoy being a kid for as long as you can, my dudes.

God, I had such a headache after those stressful two hours! Luckily, the night redeemed itself after that because we went to Castle Blood and had one of the best times there but I will recap that another time. I HAVE TO GO FOR A WALK NOW AND STOMP OUT THIS ANGER.