May 102011


I think one of the worst feelings for me is having all these things I want to write about, but being sick for the fortieth time this year has left me with the mental energy for little else but catching up on my DVRd CW shows. (Whoever thought I would like Hellcats?) Seriously considering home-schooling Chooch so he’ll stop bringing preschool slime home with him; he and I have been sick so much this year and it’s never been like this until he started SCHOOL.

His party is Saturday and I have no idea how I’m going to get anything done and I’m freaking out.

Thursday night, I outright lost my voice at work. It returned the next day, only to go AWOL during the show that night and even now it’s only at about 60%. (I love making up percentages. I guarantee that they are inaccurate 96% of the time.) I sound like an emphysemiac* trying to converse while J-Woww’s boobs plow-drive my chest.

(*Totally not a word.)

As the #1 Hater of Erin’s Voice, Henry is not complaining.

Speaking of Henry! He did fuck-all for me on Mother’s Day. His excuse is the same one he’s been slapping me in the face with for the last 5 years like a raw, bleeding steak: “But…you’re not my mother.”

Oh OK, well then I guess our son can just call himself a cab to drive him to whichever store he decides to shoplift my gift. Good job, Henry.

Not even a card. I couldn’t even look at Facebook at all on Sunday because I didn’t want to be reminded of the non-family I have.

This latest let-down will get filed in between the Black Forest Cake ball-drop of 2010 and the thirtieth birthday that blew by like a dejected balloon, except a balloon would falsely imply that there was some sort of celebration planned in my honor.

Which there was not.

I think I have bronchitis.

I have no shame in being a whiny sissy lala. Cheer me up, please.

  11 Responses to “Tuesday Pity Party”

  1. I’ve got one word that will cheer you up…ELENORE!
    If you watch the video of her shopping at walmart for a tv for her grandparents, I swear it will bring you joy. Or that old chestnut, fakes and haters.

  2. Lame, Henry!

  3. Shame on Henry for not celebrating your amazing ability to be a good mom! I oughta sock him one. I hope you’re feeling a little better by now, although it seems like everyone is getting sick lately. Two of my co-workers have gotten sick and gone on antibiotics in the last few weeks. All I have to say is STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

    I need to get me a can of Lysol.

  4. My husband forgot Mother’s Day until the 11th hour. If I had your address…I would have sent you the biggest card possible. Happy Belated Mother’s Day!! Men. Harumph.

    We’ve been doing the slime run-around here lately too. I’ve never been more sick in my life and it drives me ape shit bananas. I hope you feel better soon.

    So this might cheer you up. I just got checked for random eye sickness and they used neon yellow drops. I just blew my nose. And it’s neon yellow. Okay, that might not cheer you up so much as make you want to vomit.

    Ugh. Did you just say 30th birthday? Don’t remind me…I’m in denial until the last possible second.

    • That DID cheer me up! Coincidentally, my co-worker was reading a list of bronchitis symptoms to me last night.

      “Is your mucus neon orange?” she asked, and I shouted, “I wish!”

  5. First of all, I’m sorry that you’re sick. :( I was sick all the time before I had to stop working and now rarely leave the house. I dread the day that the peapod starts school because I know she is going to bring every virus in existence back home to me.

    As far as homeschooling? I’ve thought about it. I think it’s a GREAT idea. I just dunno if I could do it. Like, seriously, do it. At least I have a few years now. (she is only two)

    And OH WAIT, you aren’t HIS mother? What a crock of crap! Yep. Completley unacceptable. I am crossing my arms and turning away now.

    • Henry is so awesome every other day (don’t tell him I said that), but he unfortunately thinks this means he doesn’t have to go further out of his way on holidays. I’m going to kick him in the balls for Father’s Day.

  6. Nothing for Mothers Day? Henry needs to be kicked in the shins! You had a baby of his and yours INYOURBODY. Doesn’t he realize this kid running around was created in you like a car is made in a Chevy plant? What a doofus. Does your “wah” sound like Snookie’s wah, because her wah personifies wah to me. I hope you feel better soon. In the mean time, go up behind Henry and pinch him.

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