I’m back in that familiar PTO crunch time zone, where I have a bunch of unused time to USE IT OR LOSE IT so I’m taking off random days where I have nothing planned and you know I can’t handle staycations. I NEED to be doing something, going somewhere, not being home alone. I am home alone every day!!

I had last Thursday off and decided that I would take the T downtown and…I dunno, find SOMETHING to do. There was ONE THING I had my heart set on though: a black and white smoothie at James Cafe in the Strip. (Tahini and dates, yes please!) I figured I would I’d get off at Wood Street and go from there. We all know I’m a walker.

Part 2 of my plan was that Henry would meet me down there after work and we’d go to Church Brew Works so I could get a stamp in my stupid book that I am determined to complete even though one brewery is now shuttered (and I don’t have the stamp!!) and new ones have been added since I bought the physical copy. Why am I like this?? I was on a “no beer” kick and then the siren call of that stupid brewery passport lured me back in. Just call me Oh Hypocrite Erin from now on.

I left the house around 11:30 I think? Brought a book with me and headphones so I could also listen to an audiobook too which was dumb because I literally cannot walk around downtown without full senses activated.

I hadn’t even made it to the T station yet when my first ordeal occurred. I had stopped briefly, in tandem with a bow-tied man, to look into the windows of a COMING SOON ice cream shop.  He noticed me also nebbing and made some comment about “I’ve been waiting so long for it to open” to which I was like, “I know, right” which is one of several factory-programmed default canned responses when you pull my string, along with “Oh, really?” and “Wow.”

Maybe I should flip the dial to another language to change shit up. “Majayo. Jjinja??? Wa.”

That was Korean. I don’t know any others. LOL.

Anyway, brother bowtie ended up chatting with me for a solid 15 minutes. We had to move over so that we weren’t blocking the sidewalk from other pedestrians, THAT’S HOW DEEP IT WAS. Well, actually, it was only him talking. I just stood there and nodded, spat out some filler words which is where I excel, and asked a few follow-up questions because sometimes it’s like I’m using uncomfortable small talk as penance.

Truly though, this couldn’t even be classified as small talk because I learned that he used to sell cookies in Maine while wearing a three piece suit and a Cookie monster head and this was how his bowtie collection started because a local tie company started trading him bowties for cookies, he has over 300+ ties in his closet, he is from Akron but moved to Pittsburgh for college, then ended up going to college in NC where he met THE DEMON who looked like Pink but with silver hair and within two days they were engaged and then somehow married for 8 years, 20 years ago when he went for a spinal tap which would result in an MS diagnosis :( she started a huge fight with him over a book he was writing about all of the kisses he’s had and he ended up going back to work afterward because it was less uncomfortable than being at home with her but don’t worry because he’s married to someone much nicer now.

That is a summarization of our convo–I learned all of this and then some and all he learned about me was my name.

And he told me some jokes too. He sells jokes for 25 cents (or 3 for a dollar but most people don’t get that joke) at various street fairs around the city and he gave me his business card with his number that I can text for more jokes.

Truly a nice guy. Very sweet. Probably spectrum-y. I wasn’t running on a fixed schedule so it didn’t really bother me to stop and talk but it gave me a lot to think about when I eventually made it on the T (AFTER FAILING TO SCAN THE STUPID BARCODE ON THE APP WITHOUT THE AID OF A YOUNG GUY BECAUSE I AM SO USED TO THE OLD CONNECT CARDS AND APPARENTLY IN THE SEASON OF LIFE WHERE ANY CHANGE IN TECHNOLOGY KNOCKS ME OFF MY AXIS). Like, how I cannot sustain small talk. This was fine because bro wasn’t giving me any space at all to contribute but in situations where there should be a casual back and forth, I usually word-vomit a chunk of stutters or sentence fragments and then proceed to spend the next 4 days replaying it over and over in my head until it starts to sound like a backward record but instead of something cool and Satanic it’s more like, “YOU WILL DIE FRIENDLESS” and “YOU ARE SO FUCKING PATHETICALLY AWKWARD.”

We are working on this in therapy lol. Apparently, I have “parts” that are trying to protect me. Like when I recently ran into someone from the past and was nearly shot out of a chair cannon at the sound of their laugh and thought, “Shit, I forgot about that laugh” and realized that my brain had blocked it out in order to protect me, which is a really nice thing when you think about it.

A N Y W A Y.

I tried to read some of my book on the T but then the man behind me chose that exact moment to take a phone call.

Got downtown. Went to this cute shop I’ve been following for years on Instagram called Silly Goose – the OG location is in Jim Thorpe, PA which looks like the coziest town and I want to go there, but now we have a location in Pittsburgh! That shop is dangerous for someone like me. I got some journaling things and Jenny Lemons (my fave!) hair clips. I also hit the tip option when checking out because I’m so used to tipping the merch guys at concerts and servers at restaurants BUT EXCUSE ME why is the tip screen coming up at retail places now!?!? UGH. I mean, the cashier was cute but she did not nothing to warrant a 15% tip for fuck’s sake.

So I was mad about that but whatever. I walked it off.

Went to the new-ish area called Arts Landing and tried to read my book there but there were TOURISTs skulking about and then the CAPA kids across the street were on the roof of their school screaming bloody murder, like maybe they were rehearsing from epic slasher school musical but hello, why are teenagers running around on a rooftop, seems dangerous!?

I checked the time and it was nearly 2PM. James Cafe closes at 3PM (or 4PM?) so I figured I would start walking there to be safe. The walk was pretty uneventful which is a good thing in that area.

I got to James Cafe and ordered the black and white smoothie with my full chest only for the barista to be like, “SRY KITCHEN CLOSED” and of course I looked up and saw that I was standing right in front of the KITCHEN IS CLOSED sign.

COOL.

That was going to be MY LUNCH but sure, just give me a matcha.

While he was making that, I saw that there was a cranberry orange scone in the bakery case so I asked for it. Well silly me I guess that was just for show because he was like LET ME SEE WHAT WE STILL HAVE and started flipping open these giant bakery boxes from Mediterra and said they only had cinnamon buns and almond croissants so I was like, “I WILL TAKE A CROISSANT” because I was starting to feel shaky. He gave it to me in a box so I was like COOL I GUESS I WON’T BE EATING THIS IN HERE THEN THANKS” even though there were two young women literally sprawled out on a banquette with their laptops so I KNOW THEY WEREN’T CLOSING.

I know, I could have still just sat down in there and ate it but now I was just angry and indignant and reading way more into this than any normal person would have (“I GUESS I AM NOT WELCOME HERE”) when in reality, the guy was actually very nice—it wasn’t a bad interaction by any means but I was IN A MOOD and NOT GETTING WHAT I WANTED.

WAH.

I went outside and decided to just sit at one of the sidewalk tables and eat the croissant but it was MESSY and I didn’t want to go back inside for a napkin so I called Henry in a huff and told him, “JUST COME GET ME NOW.”

Then I sat back in the chair to try to read my book AND I BROKE THE FUCKING BACK OF THE CHAIR. It was all rusted and I didn’t realize it and nearly broke all of the way off so I had to sit leaning forward. Still tried to read my book but there two MEN sitting at the next table, not even all that close to me, stinking up the sidewalk with their mansplaining that all I could focus on at that point was how men ruin everything.

Then dumbo Henry arrived. I asked him if I looked pissed when he saw me sitting there and he said, after thinking about it for a beat, “No…just dejected.”

LOL yes, that is how I felt.

So now I was mad because it wasn’t even 3PM yet and Church Brew Works didn’t open until 4PM plus I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY AND NEEDED FOOD. Trust that I made the next 15 minutes of Henry’s life very volatile and difficult with my “nothing is what I want” attitude.

Hello everyone, it’s Stubborn Suggestion Rejection time!

Finally, I agreed to Coughlin’s because:

1. they were open
2. it was close-ish
3. I could get a stamp

And it was a great choice because even though the food was mid, I had a pumpkin ale that I actually REALLY super deluxe enjoyed. I mean, the cinnamon rim probably helped a lot.  I thought the day was picking up BUT THEN I GOT KETCHUP ON MY SLEEVE!!!!!!!!

At least I didn’t have any of the veggie pizza that Henry ordered which came with a complimentary chunk of ham.

Well,  that was my day off. Better than staying home and sitting in front of the computer, I guess.

(I did end up finishing that book though and it was such a five-star read which wasn’t shocking considering that it was written by GEOFF RICKLY from Thursday.)

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