Aug 292011

Me: “This forest looks just like forests in Pennsylvania.”
Henry: “All forests are pretty much the same—-”
Me, snottily: “Oh, so the RAIN FOREST looks ‘just like this’?”
Henry: “Well, no—-”
Me: [walking away as Henry launched into one of his infamous National Geographic spiels.]



I dragged Henry and Chooch to the nature trails this morning, after enjoying a solitary breakfast on the porch so I could enjoy the scenery but mostly because Henry was inside, snoring like a douchebag.

The old man driving the resort shuttle was all, “THE NATURE TRAILS? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GO THERE? ARE YOU GOING TO BE HIKING?”

He was very concerned about this.

“Well, we just wanted to walk it,” Henry explained, causing the old man to sigh.

“I’ll drive you up there and you can see for yourself. IT’S NOT REALLY MARKED.”

By now, I’m imagining that I’m going to have to, at some point, hang glide over a gorge and I’m feeling really relieved that Henry had the foresight* to at least check in with Bill beforehand to alert him of our plans.

(*Actually this was my idea, just so you know.)

The trail turned out to not be something that required spelunking or rock-climbing expertise, but was just, well….a nature trail.

It was mostly steep inclines though and Chooch, who “hates walking” to begin with, was not pleased and actually burst into tears at several points.

I distracted him by suggesting he eat all the random unidentifiable berries we passed. (Don’t worry, Henry put out that fire.)

My son is the biggest bitch sometimes. It’s just WALKING. He’s only FIVE. He should be able to RUN that bitch.


Afterward, Henry and Chooch met everyone else at the indoor waterpark while I hung back at the outdoor pool, where I got to lay out without worrying about Chooch running into traffic, murdering neighborhood pets, or slicing off my face with hedgeclippers. It was fucking awesome.

We are currently en route to Pigeon Forge, wherein we will blow big bucks on tourist attractions. It too will be fucking awesome.

Tennessee rules, you guys. I never would had thought.

Say it don't spray it.

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