I’ve spent the last several hours at work frantically trying to get ahold of Henry, TO NO AVAIL. Some of my co-workers derived great joy from watching this pan out.
A woman of my stature should never be left hanging with no response.
“I’m about to take this to Facebook,” I said to Lee, who has the pleasure of being on late shift with me tonight. And I did too. I posted this on Henry’s wall, for all of our eleventy-billion mutual friends to gawk at:
WHY DO YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE IF YOU DON’T FUCKING ANSWER IT I HATE YOU OMG REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111ONEONEONEONE
Lee pretended to feel bad for Henry, even called me a douchebag, but really I know he’s just jealous that he doesn’t have a girlfriend who treats him like shit.
Finally, after three phone calls, 128372047 CAPSLOCK texts, and one angry Facebook wall posting, the dumbass answered his phone. Of course, by this point, I had a slight worry that perhaps something fatal had happened to him, but all I got was, “WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? My phone was between the couch cushions!”
This means, “My dick was in between some tramp’s ass cheeks.” I AM PRETTY GOOD AT TRANSLATING PHILANDERERS.
“Are we still going to see Sleeping With Sirens on Sunday?” I asked in my most hotheaded whisper. (I am at work after all. These poor people don’t need to see my psycho side.)
“I knew that’s why you were calling,” Henry huffed in agitation. (Um, hello, it could have been the hospital calling to tell him his long-time girlfriend had a vending machine tossed on her.) “I have to go finish making this card.”
“You mean you have to go finish cheating on me!” I said childishly, but he ignored it and said goodbye.
We are totally going to that show on Sunday.
Elsewhere, coming in to work earlier has been pretty cool. However, it is apparently confusing and startling to some people.
“I’m still not used to seeing you here this early,” Glenn grumbled.
“It’s like a ray of sunshine!” I exclaimed in a super-exaggerated sing-song tone.
“Yeah,” Glenn droned facetiously. “Something like that.”
And then Mitch said I’m selfish because I’m throwing everything off for everyone. SO GLAD TO BE OF HELP, GUYS.