Bill & Jessi FROM MICHIGAN
Corey, my brother
Janna & her mommy, her mom-mom-mommy
Blake and his girlfriend Deanna
Kara and her baking baby
Carol, my surrogate mommy
Henry’s sister and her caravan of five children, also her boyfriend
Scott, Judi and Sam Robbins (Henry and I used to work with Scott)
My aunt Charmaine & paternal grandma Lois
Chooch’s birthday was April 25th, but I wanted to move his party up to May, figuring it would make for better weather. Too bad it was like 55 degrees and so windy that if Alisha had brought her broom, she’d have blown straight back to Oz.
Bill, Jessi, Alisha and Brenna came early to the pavilion on Sunday to help me decorate. I was still sick, perhaps even sicker than the day before, and Alisha had given me more debilitating poison from her purse. Because I was feeling under the weather, I couldn’t really be bothered with switching lenses and changing settings, so most of my photos came out looking like I used a ten cent disposable. 0wellz0rz.
I was thankful to have extra hands there to help me with all the HARD WORK, such as staple-gunning table cloths (I’m such a whore for staple guns now, the power surge is nearly orgasmic) and slinging streamers through rafters.
Jessi at one point stepped back and commented that it looked like homeless people had decorated. Then she wanted Henry to start a hobo fire in one of the metal trashcans. IT WASN’T THAT COLD! But I probably had a FEVER so never mind. Alisha had some body-warming potion in her purse but Jessi declined, which is good because that’s how Alisha date-rapes people.
Have I mentioned lately how overjoyed I am to be friends with Alisha again??
Lost Boys cake, obviously. Henry waited until we were standing above it before the party to say, “We should have Photoshopped Chooch’s face on it.” Yes, that would have been awesome. Thanks for thinking of that before I sent the order in. The cake was almost was a no-show, seeing as how Henry forgot to pick it up the day before and Bethel Bakery is closed on Sundays. Luckily, they made a concession for him and had someone meet him there the next morning so he could pick it up. That fucker, he got lucky. However, he conveniently forgot the veggie burgers at home, as usual. I’m screwed every time we have a cook out. EVERY TIME. I yelled at Henry that Jessi probably would have liked to have a veggie burger as well, and he was all, “Oh. Do they even have those in Michigan?” He made veggie kabobs though, but the one I had was terrible. Jessi said hers were good. Probably because Henry was all, “Here Jessi, have the one that wasn’t dropped on the ground. I’m saving that for Erin.”
Chooch and his eyeball pinata. He looks so sad, and I almost feel sorry for him, but then I remember how abusive he was to his older cousin Zac.
Blake was the only person who even attempted to kill the pinata. After Henry bought it, he realized we didn’t have a bat so he searched the house for an adequate substitution, and that is how I learned Henry has a night stick. Oh please, let’s use that for the pinata! Because our party isn’t trailer park-esque enough! I asked him why the hell he has a night stick, anyway, and he got real shifty and said, “I don’t know, OK?? I’ve had it since high school.” Which translates into: My ex-wife had a thing for cop-domination, OK??
We ended up using some broken Vegas-themed pool cue instead. Classy.
What? Kara’s eating for two.
I swear these are real people that I know, and not homeless people! It wasn’t really a hobo party.
Oh the innocence!! This was taken right after she gifted me with a Now or Later bracelet which MELTED on my wrist and left me with a sticky candy poop smear.
Janna was so excited to be eating Kiefer Sutherland’s face that she practically tackled me as I walked by because she needed a souvenir photo.
I’d also like to add that this was the first time in HISTORY that the important ordering of the birthday cake responsibility was laid upon my shoulders. I’m really surprised I was trusted enough. Now, my family has been patronizing Bethel Bakery for all their cake needs since before I can even remember. But they always get the same standard cake: half & half batter with the French buttercream frosting. And it’s delicious, it really is. But twenty-nine years I’ve been eating this same combination. Finally, the decision was in my hands and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like I was playing God at that moment, clicking the various cake components of MY CHOICE on the website.
In the end, I settled on almond batter, stuck with the French buttercream because they’re famous for it and it really is the best cake icing I’ve ever had, but in lieu of that same buttercream as a filling, I went with red raspberry. I walked around the party as everyone ate their cake and made it known that I had built that cake and that I should be praised for it, just as Noah was for his ark. It seemed to be a hit, so I was able to sneer in Henry’s face.
“What? I never said a single thing about it!” he cried in defense. Oh sure, as if he wasn’t lying awake at night, hoping I didn’t wind up ordering a foot-flavored cake.
Present opening. Boring. However, he somehow managed to walk away with three new Cars puzzles that he doesn’t already have, which is a small miracle. My favorite part was when he got to Corey’s unwrapped presents, casually laying inside a Toys R Us bag, and cried out, “I already have this!” as he withdrew a small Domo plushie. I hurriedly corrected, “No, you have the HALLOWEEN one, so this is different!” It doesn’t really matter anyway, because I would like to have my own Domo and I think I’ll just take that one. Thanks Corey!
It was a really nice day and I’m glad that some of my friends were able to come out and celebrate Little Trucker’s third birthday. He even was pretty good about not swearing.
[So, this was supposed to be a post of just photos, but of course I had to fuck it up with words.]
I’m from Arkansas, Erin. Geez, how many times do I have to tell you that the abbreviation for Arkansas is not OZ. Its AR!
Oh, and don’t I look so innocent in that last picture? You truly captured my essence. ;)
You are SO GOOD at looking innocent. It scares me.
The cake was awesome. Seriously. And I’m totally jealous that Janna got to eat Kiefer’s face.
Where are the pictures of me and Corey swinging?! Haha.
I’m glad you liked the cake:)
I’m hella jealous of everyone who was there
don’t be jealous of Alisha — she has a peg leg and crabs!
I wish I could have been there. Great job on the cake, Erin!
I wish you could have too. :( I wish I could have rented a cross country party bus to pick up all my out-of-state and Canadian friends!
Thankfully you spared everyone the blinding sight of my bare ass.
Jessi wonders where the final group picture with you is?
We had a great time, thanks for inviting us out. The cake was awesome and Henry did a great job on the grill. Jessi is sorry your Now and Later bracelet got all goobered, it was made with love.
I would have started the hobo fire if Alisha or Jessi had gotten me a hobo like I asked.
I didn’t put it in the post because it’s all blurry. Srsly, Henry takes ONE PICTURE the entire day, and it happens to be the one I want the most. So of course it’d come out all dumb!
I’m so glad you guys came! It wouldn’t have been as fun without you both, that’s for sure. Chooch is still talking about hitting you with the swing!
Hehehehe, well at least there’s some remnant of the picture.
We’re glad we did too. It sucked because it was so brief this time, but the next trip will be longer.
I’m glad Chooch enjoyed attacking me with the swing so much. He was laughing hysterically the whole time. I had a lot of fun with him too, I have fun being a kid’s punching bag.
Uh… Pretty sure that last comment was Billy, who probably forgot to log me out before writing, oops…
OMG BEST. CAKE. EVER.
And best pinata ever too!
I knew you’d approve of the cake!
Damn, i should’ve come. It looks like everybody had alot of fun and you didn’t physically hurt anybody.
And that cake was really cool. I wonder if the baker thought it was odd.
You were missed!
Oh shit, the baker read the inscription on the order before looking at the picture. She called me right after I placed it to see if I wanted pastel balloons or bright balloons and I was like, “Really? On a Lost Boys cake?” She thought it was Lost Boys as in PETER PAN. HAHA.
Lol, well clearly she wasn’t aware of who she was dealing with.
A nightstick?! For real? Wow…
How cool that Kara came! :D
I must learn more about this nightstick.
Thanks for inviting me!! We all had a fun time despite the stupidly cold weather! =D