May 082012
 

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While it would be a lot easier to stay laying in the fetal position on the couch, weeping about how unfair life is, I’m just too old to succumb to that emo shit anymore. Who WANTS to feel this way, really? The only thing I can do, while still giving myself time to grieve the loss of my pudgy buddy Don, is to get out and remember the things that I still have that make me happy. Usually, Henry groans every year around this time when I ask him to do this, but last night he said, “Fine” in a good-natured tone when I asked, “Can we drive past Kennywood?” I don’t know why I get such a thrill doing these annual pre-season Kennywood drive-bys; you can barely even see anything from the road, but still – even the slimmest glimpse is enough to put that summertime jolt in my heart.

So, I still have that.

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And I also have awesome friends like Kara who get me out of the house on my first morning alone since it happened* and treat me to a breakfast of my favorite cupcakes in all of Pittsburgh. I swear to god, I don’t know where I would be right now without Henry, Chooch and all of my friends.

So, I still got that, too.

(*I came home from taking Chooch to school and literally had this stomach-dropping moment of “Now what?” Typically, no matter where I am in the house in the mornings, Don would be there, sitting on the keyboard and making it impossible to write on my blog, keeping my lap warm while I catch up on CW shows and then acting pissed when I get off the couch. Who’s going to do that now? Certainly not Marcy’s crabby ass.)

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How can anyone be sad in a bakery with a paper lantern ceiling? Unless you know someone who had Death by Paper Lantern written on their autopsy report.

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And how can you be sad while watching a kid like Hammy Pants inhaling all that sugar? Unless you had a kid who ran away from home and joined a Sugar Cult.

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Fuck yeah, grapefruit cupcake!

I listened to “Sussudio” on the way home and that made me feel happy too.

So, I still got Phil Collins.

Before any of this recent tragedy struck, I had commissioned my lovely Etsy’s Darkside Teammate Maya to fashion me a Jonny Craig doll. She has been sending me progress shots since last Friday, and I’m not kidding when I say it was one of the few times I smiled through my tears.

Today, she sent me pictures of the completed Jonny doll and my heart literally burst. Thank you, Maya, for contributing to the Life Goes On psychic fund.

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Sometimes we all just need a little reminder that it’s OK to move on. No matter how wrong it feels. But if it’s OK, I’m going to cry about it just a little more. Because even with all the reminders of good things in my life, I still got a little bit of sadness left in me.

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  8 Responses to “Happiness (Trying to Achieve It)”

  1. Grapefruit cupcake? Good lord that sounds delightful! And that doll is pretty awesome.

    Cry about it as much as you need. Because trust me when I say, if you don’t let it all out now, it’ll come out at the most inopportune moments in the near future. I cried in random spurts at random times for weeks after my puppy died. And I didn’t give one single fuck about it. I just cried when I needed to. The people who matter will understand. The others can go to hell.

  2. I am so sorry to read about Don. It is so sad when a pet a leaves us. Cry all you need to.

    I too love riding past Kennywood. When it is open I put down all the windows and turn off the music so I can hear it too. I thought I was the only person who still enjoyed that as a grown up. I am glad you were able to smile :)

  3. Life is for the living, my friend. Please don’t feel guilty or bad for trying to move on. You aren’t moving past Don, just the sadness :)

    That doll is awesome! He looks like a much nicer person there, hehe.

  4. May these small moments of light keep giving you strength. <3

    • Thank you! I can look at pictures of Speck of now and smile instead of cry, so I have to believe that it will be true with Don someday too.

      Losing such a loyal friend is the greatest pain I’ve ever known.

  5. This is beautiful. And funny. And poignant (if that’s how you spell that–and even if it isn’t). I’m not one to look on the bright side, unfortunately. I know that when the day comes that my 10 year old lab mix Raven passes away, I will be useless. I don’t even want to think about it.

    Thank you for sharing this part of your life. Your love for animals makes you even more awesome in my eyes. (And I already think you’re pretty damn amazing.)

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