The last couple of apples Henry has bought have been downright horrific. I’m talking so bad that I have THROWN AWAY more than half of each 7pm work apple. They taste hard and like the ground, similar to raw potatoes. Total fucking fruit foul. WHAT IS GOING ON!?
So I asked Henry just that: “WHAT IS GOING ON?!”
“It’s not apple season,” explained Henry.
I didn’t like that answer, so when I was whining to Debbie and Barb about it at work today, I wailed, “WHAT IS GOING ON?!”
“It’s not apple season,” explained Barb.
OH OK, HENRY JR.
Later, I sidled up to Barb’s desk with my “I AM A VERY SWEET GIRL” smile on my face, while palming a Gala apple behind my back.
“Can I feel your apple?” I demanded. And of course Barb let me feel her apple, because I’m Erin Rachelle Kelly.
In response to Barb’s curious expression, I said, “I just know that my apple is going to suck, and if that’s the case, then I would rather you eat it.”
“OK. So, do you want to trade apples?” Barb is so good at reading between the lines.
And that is how I turned my Gala into a Pink Lady. I don’t know yet if it sucks. If it does, I’ll be interofficing Barb some hate mail.
Speaking of apples, Henry’s mom Judy was singing the praises of grapples a few weeks ago. She told me that they are apple and grape crossbreeds and that they are REALLY JUICY. This sounded good to me, so I asked Henry why he never buys any.
“Because they’re 4 for $4!” he cried. I always forget that we are peasants living in Shantytown, wearing sardine cans as shoes, and that we cannot afford such extravagant and superfluous foodstuffs. I guess I’ll just have to make do with the vittles I scavenge while playing wildberry roulette in the forest.
Finally, Henry bought a sleeve of grapples and by George those motherfuckers are some fine ass produce. They reek of grapes but taste like really moist apples! No wonder all these other apples taste like overripe garbage.
Grapples or gtfo!!!!
Henry and I had time to kill while Chooch was at a birthday party on Sunday, so I suggested that we walk up to the local Mexican market in Brookline. I went there with Chooch in December, but that was before I cared about fruit, so we only looked at candy and rosaries.
At first, I was so excited. This place had all kinds of non-American fruit!
But then I realized that it was just regular fruit with the names written in Spanish.
There were cactus petal things that Henry refused to buy, and these long ass weapons that were apparently aloe. Henry said no to those too. He did let me get these dwarf mango things, like I’m supposed to get down on my knees now or something.
“Ow! What are these?” I asked Henry about these grapefruit-sized balls of pain.
“I don’t know,” Henry answered.
“Ow!” I yelled again.
“Yeah. Keep touching it,” he muttered.
I made Henry buy tomatillos because I thought they were what fried green tomatoes are made from, but apparently fried green tomatoes are made from green tomatoes. But now we have a shit ton of tomatillos so Henry made salsa which is better than stupid fried green tomatoes anyway and now no one has to get hit by a train.
Henry also added some of my midget mangoes to the salsa. It was OK, but kind of tasted like a garden. I guess because that is what “fresh” is supposed to taste like.
Henry turned around after buying chorizo from the meat counter to find me standing with my arms full of scary religious candles, which is all I really wanted to go there for anyway. Truth comes out.
In other ethnic market news, Henry went to Pitaland (right next to the Mexican market; I hope they don’t decide to feud anytime soon because I walk past both of them A LOT) to get pita (surprise!) for his mom. He also came out with a bag of fresh dates. I love dates, but these dates were DESIRABLE. Super plump and soft, I couldn’t believe it.
SIDE NOTE: When Henry and I went to Coachella in 2004, visiting a date farm in Indio, CA was the highlight of the trip for me, probably because we fought so furiously—enough to make Sid and Nancy blush from their Afterworld drug den—that I literally blocked out most of that trip from my memory. But that date farm I will never forget. We watched some video about dates having sex, and they have always had a sleazy connotation for me ever since.
And we had date milk shakes.
Motherfucking milkshakes made from dates.
I would do unspeakable things to have one of those gyrating down my gullet right now.
(Apparently, it is a date garden.)
That milkshake alone makes up for the stripper shack in San Bernadino in which Henry put us up, and the 113 degree heat during the weekend-long concert in the desert, not to mention the fact that I was there with Henry.
“What are dates made out of, anyway,” I asked Henry, closing my eyes and obscenely sucking face with a fat ass date.
“Um…..dates?” Henry said, in his typical snide Professor Henry von Fuckstick tone.
I ate one of those sexual dates while I was writing this. I probably looked like a muted porno, just so you know.
At first, I was so excited. This place had all kinds of non-American fruit! But then I realized that it was just regular fruit with the names written in Spanish.
And I would totally go to an establishment like this to buy creepy holy candles. And rosaries. Man, step it up, Henry!
He’s so clueless! Those candles were cheaper than the stupid sausage he bought!
You are definitely in a fruit rut. While your tomatillo mini mango salsa wasn’t as delicious as you had hoped, what about combining other fruits for new favors? Pineapple – watermelon chopped into bite size pieces would be delicious during 7:00 pm snack time. Or maybe, move into a dried fruit snack mix. Dried apricots with dried apples? But, now that I think about it, a dried apple may leave you thirsty for a real juicy apple and then we are back to square 1. The only solution would be to move to a climate where apples are always fresh. Sounds like heaven.
Your mention of watermelon has got me all excited for melon season!
Every time you post about those weird fruits I want to eat them.
I’m hoping to get some weird Amish fruit this weekend!
Grapples? I need to look out for these. I think it’s great you’re still an apple connoisseur, I thought you might have moved on to pears or something like that.
You still crack me up every time I read yo shit and that is fo realz. And now your’e welcome to hate me for actually typing that out like that.