Do you hate when you only make it halfway through your shift at the soup kitchen before your eyeshadow gets all cracked and creased, and suddenly all the homeless people are mistaking you for that hooker who just washed up under the pier? Tired that you can’t even get busted after a full day’s work of running the meth lab without your mug shot looking like Tammy Faye Bakker, a month into decomposition?
Thank god Andrea from My Pretty Zombie has developed her own line of eyeshadow in an array of vibrant pigments which stay fresh even on the eyelids of broads who are ridden hard and put away wet.
For $5, you can select a pot of loose shadow, gently infused with flecks of princess-like glitter to beat the school marm right the hell out of you. And a little goes a long way with these pots because the pigmentation is so opulent that it doesn’t take much more than one good swipe to get that smoky, opaque look you saw on last week’s Gossip Girl.
Pictured above is my favorite – Bride, which is a translucent white with a subtle green shimmer. It’s almost holographic, perfect if you’re Jem or one of the Holograms, or just aspire to be. Not that I would know anything about that. Bride provides the whole “less is more” sentimentality, like on your wedding night when you slip into bed wearing nothing but a strap-on, inspiring your new husband to tear up the scroll of all the sex moves he learned on Urban Dictionary.
Less is more.
Pictured above is one quick smudge of Roxie. (I didn’t even use a mirror, and I’m already half-blind, but needed a fast picture for the purpose of this review.) Roxie is my #2. I love it because pink is my favorite eyeshadow shade (actually, it’s yellow, but I ran out of my yellow My Pretty Zombie sample; don’t tell Roxie) but I can never find a good shade. It’s either too light or too garish, like Aunt Mary’s potpourri scented La-Z-Boy. But Roxie is just what I’ve been looking for. It stayed on all day at Warped Tour! Well, until I went into the bathroom and tried to drown myself in the sink for heat relief. And just as it’s perfect for screamo shows, a lighter application makes it suitable for work at The Law Firm too. I’m guessing it’s OK because no one has asked the going price for my blow jobs.
My Pretty Zombie eye shadow is perfect for transvestites too! Here, Henry is wearing Mitzi on the lid closer to us, and Madison on the other. I think all the grit and man-grime permanently puttied in Henry’s skin makes the two shades look more similar than they really are. Because they’re not similar. Mitzi is that really hot shade of gunmetal you wish you had on your lids when you go to the local lost and found in search of your missing revolver and people start asking you annoying questions. Like, what color is it.
Andrea was even ingenious enough to embed bullets into Mitzi, so you can kill people in traffic just by blinking.
I didn’t use an applicator for the sake of this photo, just my fingertip, which made Henry howl in pain. “Jesus Christ, you’re pushing my eyeball in!” he cried. Shit, Henry. You already look like a bitch, stop acting like one too.
“You’re the worst woman,” he muttered when he inspected himself in the mirror. “You got it all down here under my eye, too!” he yelled, tidying up his makeover for the camera.
My Pretty Zombie is good for all eyelids. Goths, moms, school girls, trannies, hookers, zombies (some of them actually give a shit about their appearance, thanks to goddamn society), gym teacher trying to break stereotypes, Japanese game show host: this is some versatile shit. I should know – I change identities every day. It’s for my job. I can’t really talk about it.
If I didn’t truly like this stuff, I wouldn’t have written about it. I’d have told Andrea that I lost my eyelids when I was deployed to the Netherlands to fight in the war against cheese graters.
So go try some for your own damn eye lids.
(Ed.Note: I’m unsure why ‘Henry Wearing a Tutu’ isn’t being suggested as a related post?)
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