Jan 8 2009

Oh, Game Night

I must be getting old. It used to be there was nothing more fun to me than attempting to cram my house near capacity with friends, bounty hunters, and random strangers from the street and Internet, fill them up with Jello shots and proceed to piss off most of the block. Sometimes I’d cap off the night by pulling on my roller skates and having guests whirl a frisbee at me as I coasted up and down the street.

But now I just want to hunker down with some family-friendly board games, maybe wrap myself in a shawl, perhaps  nibble on some Melba toast.

OK fine, maybe I still like to drink a little and get sort of kind of a lot too loud. But now I almost can’t imagine having a party without games. Games bring people together, ya’ll. Or, in the case of Henry and me, push people apart.

The guest list for Game Night #1 of ’09:

  • Corey & his not-girlfriend-but-should-be-girlfriend KC
  • Blake
  • Niffer and Weird Paul, who brought Pretzels and only the most fascinating board game of all time
  • Collin and a lovely bottle of wine for me for me for me
  • Rhonda & her wonderful Jill, who brought a cute hippo for Chooch and delicious baked goods for me
  • Brenna

It was unusual not having Janna there, but I guess it’s my fault for not keeping better tabs on her, otherwise I’d have known not to schedule game night on the same weekend she was out of town.  She’s the only person besides Henry who I feel I can physically assault when a round of Scattergories gets particularly tense and heated. Her absence also meant no homemade guacamole or platter of fancy cookies, which is really the only reason I invite her anyway. Surely it has nothing to do with her game-playing braun.

Rhonda filled Kara's position of Game Night Rule Nazi

Rhonda filled Kara's position of Game Night Rule Nazi

In my Evite, I swore that, unlike Game Nights past, we would not be fixating solely on Catchphrase. I was dying to play Last Word, which was veto’d at the last game night, so I plopped it down in Jill’s lap and said, “Here, you do it.” She looked like someone who might enjoy reading and relaying directions, I don’t know. She quickly deemed it confusing, as did Rhonda, so Last Word was kicked away like a pissing puppy.

Instead, we played the Pop-Up Video game that came with Rhonda and Jill, but it was kind of obscure and Collin kept whimperingabout not wanting to sing (meanwhile KC was begging to sing – I will never again be able to hear Tracy Chapman singing “Fast Car” – even if it wasn’t her turn, and then she’d catch herself and slap her hand over her mouth. That girl would be my bff if I wasn’t an old lady!) so we switched to Catchphrase, which erupted into a near-lethal debate over button-pushing right from the start. If Kara had been there, she’d probably have started shanking people. She is very serious about her Catchphrase.

My favorite moment of Catchphrase was one of Blake’s turns. He kept shouting out clues like: “What I would say when I’m really excited to go somewhere! I’m in the car and can’t wait to get there!” So his team is shouting things like, “Are we there yet? Shotgun?” and Blake, he’s getting real frustrated now, and has taken to accentuating his clues with a series of wild gesticulations, pumping his arms and pulling faces. “I’m so excited to be going somewhere and this is what I say!” he shouted one last time before the buzzer went off. No one could guess it, and he exasperatedly said, “Away we go!”

“I’d like to see a video of you saying that in the car,” Collin said, sulking because his gay team lost a point, boo-hoo. And then I couldn’t stop picturing Blake – with his plethora of piercings, tattoos, and gauges large enough to stuff with bratwurst – skipping to the car, swinging his arms, and cheering, “Away we go!” Corey and KC left during Catchphrase. It was simply too fast-paced for them.

Niffer, bracing herself for some wild Uncle Wiggily gameage

Niffer, bracing herself for some wild Uncle Wiggily gameage

Paul brought with him an old board game called Uncle Wiggily. I found myself gawking at it, ogling it even, from across the room. I’d find reasons to go to the dining room so I could slowly walk past it, dropping hints here and there about how, gee whiz, that game sure looked swell. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that it intrigued me nearly as much as the time in ninth grade when I walked in on Jameelah and her brother smoking pot from a crushed can of Cherokee Red.

This game demands to be played harder than a hooker with a whipped-creamed checker board on her tits.

This game demands to be played harder than a hooker with a whipped-creamed checker board on her tits.


Paul regales us with details of Uncle Wiggily's journey.

Paul regales us with details of Uncle Wiggily's journey.

The Uncle Wiggily game referenced odd-sounding herbs (Niffer, who is wiser than the rest of us, had to educate) and name-dropped characters who had names stranger than the ones I make up. Collin goes at one point, “What the fuck, was this shit written in the ’20s?” Apparently the books it’s based on was. Jill laughingly said, “Whoever made this game was high,” to which Blake retorted with, “Yeah, high on vocabulary.” Do not underestimate the power of a sixteen year old’s comedic timing.

Brenna readz0rz for the win.

Brenna readz0rz for the win.

Team Brenna&Collin won. It’s true, they were more skillful at card-drawing than the rest of us thought. I thought Brenna was going to get up on the table and do the Big Shoe Dance, she was so pumped up. Collin funneled his enthusiasm onto a pink balloon.

Those two got so cozy, I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them birthed baby pink condoms at the end of the night.

Those two got so cozy, I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them birthed baby pink condoms at the end of the night.

I decided to suggest one last time. Paul and Niffer hadn’t yet arrived the first time I begged to play it, and Paul made the mistake of admitting that he had played that game before. I pawned it off on him and he proceeded to freshen up on the instructions.


Jill's just as confused when OTHER people have the instructions. I will say that she got further than I did, which was the third line.

Jill's just as confused when OTHER people have the instructions. I will say that she got further than I did, which was the third line.

Up until this point, I feel that I was pretty well-behaved. I hadn’t been punching Henry or engaging in loudly slurred conversation, even though I had been quietly sipping vodka. But when a game is centered around having the last word? I don’t know, I could have been imbibing Shirley Temples laced with the essence of Sunday School all day long and I still would have been an out of control, must win at all costs, token person you want to coldcock at the party. Besides, games with timers have a certain urgency that make me shout my words to compensate for the rising panic.

Henry sucks so bad, he's the caboose of Last Word

Henry sucks so bad, he's the caboose of Last Word

When Henry got the last word during one particular category, I tried to veto it because he’s Henry and not supposed to advance, on a gameboard or otherwise. But he played the downtrodden card and mumbled, “It’s not like it’s hurting anyone if I move up one damn block” and then moved his pathetic Schleprock marker up a block. I considered flicking it into oblivion, but something weird came over me and I sort of felt…sorry…for Henry. I know. I know.
Perhaps my  most out of control moment came with the subject card of “Things That Are Desserts.” The letter was T and I threw that fucking bitchkissing card down so fast and began rambling off desserts with such manic determination that no one else said anything after a certain point, choosing instead to stare at the obnoxious loudmouth who at that point had risen from the couch and had begun shrieking, “Tart. TartLET! TORTE!” while jabbing her finger at Henry’s face. I was about to say Henry’s lucky there was a coffee table separating us, but that’s never stopped me in the past. Oh, those were the days.

When I sat back down, Brenna goes, “Calm down” and patted my thigh or some shit, as I recall, but that’s what game night is all about! Getting the blood pressure up! Being the best! BEING A WINNER. Besides, I was having all the fun.

Speaking of winning, I won that game even when Henry vetoed my last word of “fang” for the “Things That Are Metal” category, even though I stamped my feet and screeched what would he know, he’s never been to Dracula’s Ball? And then he said, “But then the letter would have had to have been ‘m’ for ‘metal fang'” and I was all, “Are you a fucking retard?”

Blake considers enrolling in Camp Cool Like Erin so he can be a WINNER.

Blake considers enrolling in Camp Cool Like Erin so he can be a WINNER.

Everyone was exhausted after having their minds obliterated by my genius, so game night came to a satisfying close.

Two concluding thoughts:

  • I should have these more often
  • I am not proofreading this
  • I would like to hang out with Rhonda more than just once a year

(Pretend 3 is the new 2.)



16 comments

16 Comments so far

  1. buenomexicana January 8th, 2009 9:32 pm

    it sounds like you guys had a lot of fun.

    everyone should try hanging out with wine-full erin every now and again. it’s always a treat. for me anyway. probably not for society in general… but i digress.

    thanks for the entry and for filling us in on collin’s new affair!

  2. Tuna Tar-Tart January 9th, 2009 2:42 pm

    If I invite you to the next one, and you say you’re coming, you better commit to that!!

  3. Rachy January 9th, 2009 4:59 am

    OMGOSH, you can order Uncle Wiggily from the Vermont Country Store catalog and every time I see it I want it…Now I HAVE to get it!! :)

    That second picture looks like a scene from an independant film. She’s very pretty. :)

  4. Tuna Tar-Tart January 9th, 2009 1:41 pm

    I think you would really like Niffer! You should come to one of my game nights, Rachy!

  5. kara January 9th, 2009 9:14 am

    Now I am sad that I was not there because not only have I played Last Word before, I actually own the game!
    I have no idea how I own it, but I do. Im terrible at it though, so you would have beat me down and laughed about it.

    I pride myself on making people get the games! And for the record the only person I ever yelled at about rules was Ryan and thats because he would shut his fat mouth long enough to hear how to play the damn game.

    Next time there is a game night (on a night I can actually attend) we should play Cranium. Ill be on Henry’s team, he is a good Cranium partner.

  6. Tuna Tar-Tart January 9th, 2009 2:06 pm

    It was sad not having you there! I agree, Cranium should be played at the next game night.

    I want to have another in March, so I’ll hit you up before I set the date to make sure you guys can come to Pittsburgh that weekend!

  7. Jessi January 9th, 2009 10:31 am

    Bill and I had a scattered debate about taking a spontaneous road trip to attend, but alas low funds and ambiguous driving conditions impeded. I think in nicer weather you may just get some added guests if you’re still willing, we were very tempted. He has quite the arsenal of games available and we both have a hankering for some face time with you.

    Jessi´s last blog post..Just For The Record

  8. Tuna Tar-Tart January 9th, 2009 2:08 pm

    I figured it was probably unrealistic, since it was so soon after the holidays and short notice, but I wanted you guys to know that the invitation is always extended. I would be so thrilled if you were able to make it down for one!

    I want to have another in March but I’ll let you guys know ahead of time:)

  9. Alyson Hell January 9th, 2009 2:49 pm

    “And then I couldn’t stop picturing Blake – with his plethora of piercings, tattoos, and gauges large enough to stuff with bratwurst – skipping to the car, swinging his arms, and cheering, “Away we go!””

    *cracking up*

    Bratwurst. Not toilet paper tubes. Not some other kind of sausage. But bratwurst. THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU.

  10. Tuna Tar-Tart January 9th, 2009 7:03 pm

    I hope that one day you and Hector can come to a game night!

  11. priest January 9th, 2009 5:40 pm

    I just wiki’d Uncle Wiggily and it was first made in 1916 which explains alot! That has to be one of the most interesting board games i’ve ever played. I miss that pink balloon. I must say you were the calmest i’ve ever seen you at a game night, maybe you should stick with vodka?

  12. Tuna Tar-Tart January 9th, 2009 7:02 pm

    THANK YOU! I’m glad someone noticed. It was a struggle but I really felt that I was not very obnoxious that night, even though Brenn felt the need to tell me to calm down every other fucking minute, lol.

  13. priest January 9th, 2009 9:31 pm

    Well, you may have started to lose it during Last Word but still i think you only took a swing at someone once!! congrats on your restraint :)

  14. Janna January 11th, 2009 2:38 am

    Oh man, I wish I had been able to come to this. It sounds like a good time, like I know your game nights are.

    And, even though this part was sort of quoted by someone else, I laughed rather loud for it.

    ““I’m so excited to be going somewhere and this is what I say!” he shouted one last time before the buzzer went off. No one could guess it, and he exasperatedly said, “Away we go!””

  15. Fonda Bruises January 14th, 2009 10:23 am

    Oh, game night was so much fun! Jill and I had a blast. The highlight of the night for me was hearing Chooch say “Asshole”!

    Fonda Bruises´s last blog post..Past Punta Cana Memories

  16. Tuna Tar-Tart January 15th, 2009 2:05 pm

    I’m so glad you guys came! Jill was great – tell her she’s always welcome back here!

    Thank you again for the goodies:) I’m glad you got to hear Chooch swear, lol.

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