Oh Honestly, Erin

I’m kind of off to a good start for 2024, socially, having had plans nearly every week so far with friends. Two Saturdays ago, I met Wendy and Jeannie for breakfast at the Freedom Diner in Verona – I was trying to find a spot that would be centrally located for all three of us and it ended up being mildly more out of the way for me but I didn’t mind! I blasted a Seventeen playlist and enjoyed driving on a nearly car-free RT 28.

This breakfast was serendipitously planned (by ME, might I add) because it happened to be the day after we found out sad news and it was really therapeutic and cathartic to be able to meet up so soon after and take solace in each other’s company while getting the stink eye from our seasoned waitress in hot pink knee socks who was really doing her best to wordlessly hint that we were overstaying our welcome.

I had to photograph my meatless eggs benedict to send to Nate as a taunt because the weekend prior, he was screwed out of eggs benedict at back-to-back brunches, but then I never sent this to him because it seemed dumb.

I honestly can’t even remember what else happened that weekend. Nothing out of the ordinary, probably?!

Friday after work, Henry and I went to Shawn and Jess’s for dinner and games! Chooch was originally going to come along too but then his friends showed up at the house and kidnapped him. He had big regertz though because Shawn is his idol and mentor* and he was actually torn over who to choose, but his friends idling in our driveway definitely swayed his decision.

*(No literally – he needed a mentor for some school project he was doing and Shawn was his first choice. Apparently, I learned later, Chooch was GREAT at waiting until the last minute and messaging Shawn at like, midnight, to be like, “Hey so that one thing is due soon…oh, like tomorrow.” LOL wow. Great job.)

Anyway! Henry made a batch of GF brownies to take over, and Jess made vegan lentil soup that was sooooo good and filling! I also realized that I have more in common with their teenage daughter Anais than most same-aged friends, so that was fun. (We went to the same cooking school, evidently, of “just turn the stove up all the way to get it cooked the quickest” and we also cheer on the Team Microwave squad.)

I barely use BeReal anymore because I’m usually just sitting at home in sweatpants when I get the alert!

Before we knew it, it was 3:30AM!!! Fran, I can’t remember the last time I stayed at someone’s house that late!!! I mean, back in the day, people were always at my house super fucking late because I ran with a gang of vampires back then, but dang. I wasn’t even tired! Well, my jaw was, because I never stopped talking all night. I was divulging all these past traumas like it was NO BIG THANG and I could kind of feel Henry’s eyes on me, wondering if I took a street pill before we got there because my lips were so loose, they were dangling.

I guess I just really needed to talk about some of that stuff?!!? Lol ugh.

Saturday was a bust because we felt like we were hungover even though we only had 1-2 glasses of wine and that was way back in the beginning of the evening when we were eating dinner! I dragged Henry out of bed around 1PM (UGH!) and made him go to Homewood Cemetery with me, where I proceeded to cry because my new shoes hurt, and then I threw a fit as we were leaving because he was being weird about me wanting to buy something so I started screaming about how I make more money than him and that he treats me like Britney Spears like I’m in a goddamn conservatorship so he was like FINE YOU WANT TO SPLIT OUR MONEY UP FINE YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN! And I was like GOOD! And then after a pause I was like, “I WANT LUNCH” and he was all, “OH WELL YOU’RE OUT OF THE CONSERVATORSHIP SO GET YOUR OWN FUCKING LUNCH.’

The audacity!! I hate it when he tries to fight back! Anyway, I won and he got me WANGZ from ShadoBeni, yay!

Then that night, Janna texted me about a mini docuseries called KRISHNAS about all the fucked up shit that happened at THE PALACE OF GOLD in the 80s! I remember reading something about it, probably on Roadside America when I first “discovered” Palace of Gold as a tourist attraction back in 2010 or whatever, but I had no idea the extent of it.

Allegedly, it’s not a breeding ground for murder, molestation, grooming, racketeering and whatever these days so if you wanna go and get some bitchin’ food at Govinda’s Cafe after strolling through the rose garden and being leered at by the Dancing Acolytes, you let your girl know. I haven’t been there since 2019!

Sunday was OK. We went for another walk in the cemetery because it was actually kind of nice out – this time we went to Jefferson Memorial where we both have family buried and I talked about Barb and funerals and dying and then started panicking because we have NOTHING in order even though I have been on a “we need to make arrangements” kick for years. I obsess over these things.

Oh, and as I’m writing this, guess who had to cancel their debit card again because it was hacked again? This time PNC was calling me because someone was trying to use it at a volleyball, and unless Chooch suddenly is a romantic and trying to win back the affection of his not-gf with whom he’s already on the outs one month in by gifting her with some suck-up ice for her wrist, I’m going to guess someone got his card info. You know what? I don’t care. This is a Chooch Problem. (Which will be promptly reassigned to Henry lol.)

Party People

• Kara
• Corey
• Chris and Monica
• Blake and Haley
• Aaron and Erica (I think — drinking does not allow me to remember names)
• JANNA – WHO WAS THE LAST ONE TO ARRIVE

In my quest to be more social, and to satiate Chooch’s constant desire to play games, I planned a small game night for January 23rd. The theme was BREAKFAST FOODS, because God forbid I should just have a regular game night and let my friends bring a simple bag of Fritos. I had big hopes and aspirations for this game night: a waffle bar! some type of OJ punch! egg things!

But this before I knew we were getting a kitten(s).

So instead of an elaborate spread fit for the gods of the A.M., Henry half-assedly churned out ONE VARIATION of waffle (PLAIN) and made some crappy chili chicken dip to meet the “savory” quota, leaving me to my own devices to come up with other dips.

I went with the exotic Nutella; the opulent purple Funfetti frosting straight from a can; and a maple fluff worthy to coat the gullet of the worlds most renowned gourmands.

A/K/A maple syrup mixed with Marshmallow Fluff.

Thank god for my back-up plan: CAP’N CRUNCH PARTY MIX. And no I didn’t use a recipe! Instead, I concocted it in my head, at work, and bounced ideas off of Glenn.

“What else should I put in my Cap’n Crunch party mix?” I asked him.

“What all have you got so far?”

“….Cap’n Crunch.”

“……”

A day later, I shouted, “PEANUTS! Peanuts would go good in a Capn Crunch party mix, right?”

“Sure,” Glenn mumbled.

In the end, I went with honey roasted peanuts, pretzels, and then I attempted to drizzle white chocolate over it but newsflash: I don’t know how to drizzle white chocolate, so it wound up hardening very quickly and then I decided to just go with white chocolate clumps.

“I like how some of the pretzels have white chocolate on them,” Chris said in a very complimentary manner which I greatly appreciated.

“Thanks! I did that myself. They’re HAND-CRAFTED.” I literally was so angry at the white chocolate that I started smashing mounds of it against the pretzels as a form of torture. I showed you, white chocolate.

Then I dumped a bunch of sprinkles on it. Then I made Henry go and buy me chocolate chips, and hooray, that shit was happy to be drizzled.

It worked. This shit was teeth-rottening divine.

Keeping with my staunch theme of breakfast foods only, Kara brought delicious chocolate-filled croissants and mini muffins; Chronica brought monkey bread which we were all eagerly awaiting since they texted me a picture of it and my phone promptly got passed around; and JANNA WHO WAS LATE brought a French toast casserole. She was late because the casserole was still in the oven when game night was scheduled to start and I was like, “WHY DID YOU WAIT SO LONG TO PUT IT IN THE OVEN THEN JANNA.”

Whatever, it was really good even though she was an hour late.

And when Blake arrived with his posse, he was carrying a bottle in a bag and I thought to myself, “Oh my god, Blake is like an actual adult now! He brought something to game night!”

YEAH, A BOTTLE OF MAD DOG FOR HIMSELF!

We played Taboo first, because I forgot until the last minute that our Catchphrase broke a long time ago and we never replaced it, because why would we ever think to replace my FAVORITE GAME NIGHT game. Taboo is basically almost the same game but it just doesn’t feel right in my hands.

Game Night: Round One was kind of utter pandemonium because Janna spiked her casserole with Robitussin and some of us couldn’t seem to grasp the “every other person is on your team” concept and Chooch threw a fit at one point and there were close to four separate conversations going on while the person holding Taboo was shouting out clues and then Corey kept hitting the wrong button and Kara looked like she was about to lose her fucking mind.

However, there was a highlight! And that was when it was Henry’s turn and all he said was, “Erin has one…”

My mind reeled. I have many things! What was a thing that I have?! A complex? An estranged mother?

Meanwhile, Monica was already calmly suggesting, “A blog.”

First guess. And she was right!

This was right before Kara ripped off her face to reveal the Directionator. LISTEN TO HER READ THE DIRECTIONS AND FOLLOW ALONG, PEOPLE. Together, we can all get through it.

This is the first time I didn’t take a picture of my dumb beverage buffet. I made a punch that was supposed to be a screwdriver but it wasn’t (the recipes on Smirnoff’s website are lamer than your average lifestyle blogger) so I changed the name to Good Morning Punch. It was OK. Nothing fancy like you’d typically expect at my ragers.

Corey and I made Janna tell her harrowing tale of Robitussin codependency, like this was a surprise intervention. No one laughed nearly as hard as Corey and I did, if at all.

The last game we played was Likewise, and I was on a team with Erica (really hope that’s her name). She chose wisely because we dominated. If her name really is Erica though, I sincerely regretted naming ourselves the A+ Team when E² was the clear choice. We did butt heads a quick second though when the prompt was “something unusual at the beach” and I wrote down “Igloo” because hello, that’s unusual. We had a slight argument about it but I got way and no one ended up getting any points for that round anyway, soooooo.

The last question was beautiful singer or something and I was trying to send ESP waves to Henry and Corey so that they would write down Robert Smith but they kept smirking at me confusedly, so we ended up going with the obvious choice of Justin Bieber, matched two other teams, and FUCKING WON.

BECAUSE THAT’S ALL I DO IS WIN.

And we all lost at Cards Against Humanity to a nine-year-old*, and then Chris taught Chooch how to crochet while Monica tried to get us to guess “Janna fondling breasts coated with Robitussin” during some late night charades.

*(To be fair, Monica tied with him.)

The end.

GAME NIGHT PARTY PEOPLE

Janna

Kara

Blake

Corey

Ricky

Tim and Patty

Chris, Kari and Katelyn

In lieu of a traditional Thanksgiving at our house this year, I opted to have a casual game night the following Saturday night. And then it occurred to me that, Jesus Christ, I haven’t had a game night here since 2010! And if I remember correctly, we didn’t even really play any games that time.

So it was settled. I sent out Facebook invitations a few weeks in advance, which is how Henry discovered that instead of cleaning the house and cooking a turkey, he would be cleaning the house and cutting cheese cubes. I think he was OK with that.

All day, Chooch was like, “PLEASE CAN WE PLAY HEADS UP AT GAME NIGHT?!” and I was like, “NO BECAUSE THIS IS MY GAME NIGHT NOT YOURS GO AWAY UGH” and then Henry was like, “STOP FIGHTING! YOU TWO CAN SHARE GAME NIGHT OR THERE WONT BE A GAME NIGHT!” Ugh. So I took the high road and let Chooch play his stupid game as a sort of game night aperitif while we were waiting for everyone to arrive. I really dislike this game for some reason, probably because Chooch always wants to play it and then literally never knows the answer and he sucks at giving clues UGH. But anyway, I had one turn and Kara was like, “Blah blah blah, you probably think this song is about you” and I yelled, “CARLY SIMON!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!”

You guys. At one of our past game nights, we were playing Catchphrase. When it was Henry’s turn, he honestly only said, “I don’t know. She’s a singer” and just to be a jerk, I screamed, “CARLY SIMON!” because who really thinks of Carly Simon anymore other than maybe Warren Beatty. Everyone was like, “Yeah, haha, OK” but then Henry quietly passed the Catchphrase device over to the next person and I said, “Whoa, wait. Was it seriously Carly Simon?” and the next person checked to make sure Henry was fucking with us, and it was totally Carly Simon and I know it’s not that big of a deal but I think I have probably referenced this on my blog 87 times since that happened because I honestly consider it to be The Moment I knew that I wanted, NO–NEEDED, to stay with Henry for the rest of all Time.

Something totally devastating happened though, mere hours before game night was scheduled: I realized our beloved Catchphrase no longer worked! I thought maybe it just needed new batteries, but NO. I actually felt panicked, because this is pretty much the game we ALWAYS start with, since it forces people to have to yell out answers and serves as a good ice breaker. (Although my punches worked pretty good at soothing nerves, too.) Janna stopped at Target or somewhere, I don’t know I’m not her keeper, on the way over and bought an electronic version of Taboo, which is similar to Catchphrase, so I felt a little better. God knows how much how I hate change.

Hi this is Chooch my review of Game Nite is “Inappropriate Content Deleted”

Beverage Buffet, Game Nite Style. Some kind of red wine cider punch thing and a cinnamon roll punch, which was originally supposed to be pumpkin pie but for SOME REASON, I had trouble finding Pinnacle Pumpkin Pie vodka immediately after the holiday with the biggest pumpkin pie demand. So I had to swap it out with the Cinnabon flavor, which was delicious anyway so who cares. Pumpkin is overrated.

Patty and Tim brought a STACK of games that we never got around  to playing and I’m pretty sad about that. They were going to teach me how to play Fluxx which everyone says is the easiest game to learn but I have read the directions 4 times (see also: skimmed half-assedly, one time) and I just don’t get it. I have a really hard time learning how to play games, which is amazing considering how stellar I am at playing people.

We are great at parenting. Also, Chooch won.

I kept the hockey game on in the background because hockey yields to no motherfuckin’ game nights. And then this exchange happened:

Me: [Evgeni Malkin] reminds me of Don, don’t you think?
Corey: No! No, I do not! One is a Russian hockey player and one is YOUR CAT?!

But then Kara pointed out that Corey thought a seagull and pelican were the same, so I shouldn’t put too much stock in his opinion, and this made me super giddy because now I know that not only is my brother colorblind, but he’s also BIRDBLIND.

(On a serious tip though, Malkin really does remind me of my deceased cat Don and I just want to cuddle him so bad. No one sees it, though. Sigh. Does it help if I add that Don was a Russian Blue?)

(JUST FORGET IT!!!)

Something to note about Game Night: Resurrection is that I didn’t hit Janna. Not even once! I don’t even think I raised my voice at her! I’m going to go ahead and thank the beverage buffet for that one.

We finished the night playing some new game that Janna brought over that involved writing answers on paddles with dry-erase markers! One of the questions was something about a weird movie you’ve recently watched and I was stage-whispering to Henry (who played zero games all night, OK tough guy), “WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT GERMAN PORNO WE RECENTLY WATCHED? THE ONE FROM THE 70s* WITH THE PRIEST?!” And Ricky was all, “You do know the point of this game is to try and match answers with the rest of us, right?”

Idiots.

Anyway, now that these photos have been effectively dumped, it’s time for me to call it a day. Can’t wait until the next game night! (Right, Henry?) (Maybe in February? VALENTINE EDITION?!)

(No, that’s dumb.)

The Gamers

• Blake
• Barb
• Wendy
• Sandy
• Kara and Harland
• Lisa and Matt
• Lauren and Randy
• Gina
• Kim and Chris

Hey, I guess I should write about Game Night while it’s still the same year in which it occurred! Two very important things that I learned this time around are: never throw a party a week before Christmas, and get Chooch a fucking babysitter.

Also, invest in torture devices and cages so that people will be too afraid to say, “No, let’s just play Catchphrase from now until the end of time!” when I suggest a new game. Catchphrase is a great game and it forces people to interact, this is true, but I feel like it must emit some electronic cocaine waves that confuse people into thinking they can’t live without it and that it’ll help them get skinny.

Blake wouldn’t tell me what the letters on his hat meant because I’m too OLD. I was really upset about this. I know what it means now, though. Oh, but I can’t tell you. You’re too old.

Some of my work friends came and I was very happy about this! Although, after the incident with Barb and the Travel Lady, I made it known that I was gunning for her that night. She hadn’t been there ten minutes before I snidely asked, “Hey Barb, what will you do if we’re playing Catchphrase and you get zebra or giraffe? Your head will probably explode!” Because Barb confuses the two, you see! My plan is to compile as much information as possible about her (like the fact that she doesn’t “do” gum) and turn it into some sort of weapon. I’ve already led her into thinking that I write a secret blog solely about her.

Everything was fine in the beginning while Matt played Memory with Chooch, who was annoyed that Harland is still a baby and kept asking Kara, “When is he going to be a KID?”

Kara is usually a Catchphrase Nazi. I’ve seen veins throb on her that I’m not even sure are where they’re supposed to be, that’s how angry she gets. So angry that her anger MOVES VEINS. So everyone should be happy that Harland was there to distract her. She went from being, “OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU’LL GET A POINT, THE ANSWER WAS MAC AND CHEESE AND YOU SAID MAC N CHEESE, MOTHERFUCKER!” to “Oh who cares, just give Team 1 the point. Lady Gaga is close enough to Tammy Faye Bakker.”

In reality, it was less game night, more Foods Made with Cream Cheese Night. Holy shit, there was some good snacks on that table. Kim brought over some chicken salad sandwich croissant thingie that everyone seemed to inhale and Lauren made a popper dip that was so amazing, I was considering eschewing the dipping chips and just dunking a twisty straw right up in there. Wendy and Henry both made cheese balls, Barb brought salsa and cream cheese dip and Henry made some rich and creamy crab dip that grew me a new set of back-boobs, thanks Henry. Lisa had the ingenious notion of pouring a mixture of raspberry preserves and pepper jelly right over a solid block of cream cheese. I was scared of it at first, but damn that was like breaking open a pinata on my tongue. So surprising!

Henry didn’t play a single game because he was too busy strutting around, hoping someone would notice his new look Thrice fan/New England fisherman look.

And then Chooch hijacked Catchphrase. I like how Gina is seriously considering what the answer could be. It had to be either:

• Stupid Daddy
• some Star Wars character
• one of the kids in his class

Because the dynamics of Chooch and me are very akin to those of brother and sister, I was not very pleased about this turn of events and kept pleading with him to go away. Then I would cry, “Henry, he’s ruining game night!” and everyone would said, “No! He’s fine! This is fun! He’s so cute! CHOOCH FOR PRESIDENT! CHOOCH RULES, ERIN DROOLS.”

Lauren and Kim are too cool to play games! But that’s OK, because they brought food. (And it turns out they used to work together!) Plus, Lauren gave me a cigarette, which I smoked with her on my front porch with no jacket on, shivering and hunched over under the weight of guilt, not wanting Henry or Chooch to know that I was out there smoking. Unfortunately, Chooch’s internal buzzer goes off .00005 seconds after the slight detection that I may have left the room, and soon it was all, “MOMMY MOMMY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MOMMY MOMMY!” and I came back in just in time to see that he had just finished pulling on his socks and shoes to come outside and inspect. Nosy fucker.

Kim, Chris, Lauren, Randy (I was only able to get a picture of his KNEE and I am very sad about this) and Wendy stuck around and we talked about ghosts and ate more cream cheese.

Finally, Chooch was in bed, and it was just me, Henry, Kim and Chris, sitting around and talking.

“Now, was that the same Barb from your blog?” Kim asked, pointing to where Barb had  been sitting on the couch earlier in the night.

After I nodded, she exclaimed with slight incredulity,  “And she still came to game night? I thought you hated her!” It made me wonder if Barb herself found herself unsure of where she stands with me, but I was there when she read that post on my blog, and she was laughing. But just in case, let me go on record saying that Barb is pretty much the best part about my job. She’s the best!

Somehow the subject of Sandy Duncan came up (but really, who doesn’t enjoy a good Hogan’s Family episode every now and then?) and Chris mentioned that there used to be a band called Sandy Duncan’s Glass Eye, which I thought was the coolest thing ever.

“You know she didn’t really have a glass eye, right?” Chris asked.

“SHUT UP!” I yelled, fumbling to bring up wikipedia on my phone and by golly he was right. All these years I thought she had a glass eye. Talk about shattering  my reality.

I was really happy with the crowd that night. There was no drama, no one angrily calling each other fucking retards, no Gay Ryans…I think it may have been the first gathering of socially-capable people I’ve had in my house in years. Well, with the exception of myself of course.