Mar 132009

The Suckers:

  • Janna
  • Blake
  • Collin
  • Corey
  • Kaycee
  • Dyanna*
  • Justin*
  • Jessi*
  • Bill*
  • Alisha*

(* all new to the horror of my game nights.)

When I sent out the Evite for game night, I apparently excluded the words “game” and “night” from the invitation. I wondered why Blake’s RSVP was all, “Yes but will there be games?” I guess Henry probably clarified that for him, though, so he wouldn’t think he was walking into a lingerie party. Because that would probably suck for a sixteen year old dude.

So this Game Night was special because finally, after including him on every Evite, my Michigan friend Bill was finally like, “OK FINE YOU WIN” and attended, along with his lovely girlfriend Jessi. I was worried that even after spending the entire day with me, once they saw my true colors (because game night brings them out in fucking prism-style, trust) they’d be all, “Yeah, let’s never come back here. Ever. Except for those cupcakes.” But they still like me! Even after I introduced them to a crowded room as “Bill & Jessi, sometimes they talk funny.”

We started off with Catchphrase as usual because that’s the best game to get everyone acclimated with the screaming that is bound to escalate as I imbibe more and more Woodchuck. Unfortunately, my two mouthpieces – Kara & Rhonda – were unable to attend so I had to actually be a hostess and explain the game to the people who had never played it. And then I had to start it too. It was really upsetting, not having anyone to do it for me. I like it better when someone else takes the reins and I sit around lollygagging, which is something that I truly excel at.


I like this picture because that’s pretty much how Collin looked the entire eight months we worked together.


Kaycee’s default clue is usually, “Oh my God, shit. I don’t know! He’s like an actor I think!” Somehow she is always on my team and somehow, we always figure out what the fuck she’s getting at. Also, this is one of two expressions typically found on my brother’s face at game night. The other is utter boredom.


My friend Alisha and I recently reconnected and I can tell by this photo that she is supremely thrilled to be sucked back into the maddening vortex that is my pathetically retarded social gatherings. I think the last party she came to, I threw a fit during wiffle ball because Henry called me out when I was quite clearly SAFE ON FIRST but he is dumb cooze with crooked glasses and was trying to look all badass in front of his big shot friend Randy. But lookie, she came back for more!


Bill and Jessi are serious game-players. I’m surprised Bill didn’t issue tickets when people on his team fucked up (like Janna, but that’s just her nature and I think Bill realized and accepted that, so she was kind of written off as the retarded person at the institution who cuts the grass behind someone else with a mower). She even forgot to give her team a point after one round and if she had been on my team, I’d have cold-cocked her and then turned her into a drug mule.  Just throwing that out there.


I can’t remember what Blake was trying to describe, but I remember he was super happy when Dyanna took this picture (I dumped my camera on her for the night, and she didn’t seem to mind, but that  unfortunately means that there is only like, one picture with her in it, shit). If it was just me and Blake on a team, we’d have won. Unfortunately we were saddled with Collin and he can bring down even the best team.

I covet Blake’s scarf.


After Catchphrase, Alisha cried uncle as she ran out the door so we switched to Apples and Apples, which Jessi explained so I could sit back and stew in my drunkeness. Henry didn’t play at all, he just stood there wearing a DARE shirt that I bought off some man at a gas station last year because I felt bad for him. I feel like this shirt gave Henry some unwritten license to puff out his chest all night and it was really kind of making me sick. Every time someone arrived that night, I would make the proper introductions and then slip in a, “Look at how gay Henry’s shirt is” to which he would haughtily mumble, “It was the only clean shirt I had.” I really wish he had worn his Vietnam belt buckle with it.

I think this was the first time anyone had played Apples to Apples, and naturally I won. There was no competition, I was practically playing alone. (Like when I play Boggle.) But I particularly enjoyed playing judge. It made me feel powerful, like I could smite the entire room with a bolt of cyborg semen from my metal-ensconced fist. Which I don’t really have, by the way, but now I feel I need to. Dyanna totally kept trying to make me cheat for her. She’s a sneaky one, that girl.

After two or three rounds, much to Collin’s chagrin, we dusted off good old Scattergories. Everyone had to pair up, and Blake immediately sidled on over to me and I’ll tell you why: It’s because I’m a winner and if you want to win, you join forces with the masteress of win. Henry was a little disturbed at the answers we came up with and reminded me after everyone had left that Blake is only sixteen and I shouldn’t be answering movie title categories with Candy Can’t Cum or putting “candied cunts” as a disease (when meanwhile Henry was finishing that thought with, “now that’s a disease I’D like to treat.”) Then he mumbled something about how annoying it is when Blake and I are together because suddenly I’m sixteen too, and I go, “Well, maybe it’s more that Blake is 29, too.”

After a fleeting pause Henry reiterated, “No, you’re sixteen.”

Bill mentioned the next day that there came a point when he was less concerned with winning and more amused by Collin’s visible agitation with my answers.

I think everyone officially left around 1:30am or so, and I sure hope Dyanna’s boyfriend Justin doesn’t think I’m a complete loudmouthed lunatic. I only yelled, “FUCK YOU” once out the window to random bypassers.

  29 Responses to “Game Night : Newbie Edition”

  1. next time Henry says you’re sixteen, counter it with
    “yeah you go ahead and pretend like you think that’s a bad thing. God forbid our guests should know that you pretending I’m 16 is the only thing that gets you off anymore”

    make sure everyone hears

    see, I should totally be married.
    I can castrate anyone with a single quip

  2. in that picture i was saying “MY DICK IS THIS BIG!”

  3. Damn, it was only 8 months? I don’t know how henry and chooch do it! I didn’t even realize Bill and Jessi were serious game players…we must have seemed like crackheads, well you mostly, but still. I think someone mentioned a car ride and that’s when blake started doing that, didn’t that happen the last time too, lol?

    • I think it was technically more than 8 mths but I was too tired to try and count, plus I factored in the span of time we didn’t really talk after you moved to the other side of the building. You know, when you acted like you didn’t miss me. HAHA!

      And please, you are totally an official member of the crackhead clan now!

  4. Im still totally pouting about the fact that I missed this for such a lame-o sucktastic night.

  5. erin why did not you envite me i am your friend we worked to gether for years at msa i am very disappointed in you eleanore cut coupons for you but apparently you are to good for that. goodbye forever


  6. aren’t you ALWAYS 16???

    bill and jessi look VERY into the game playing!
    i hope to stay in your good graces so that i might be able to attend the next one….

  7. I just want to win, man, I don’t care if it involves cheating.

    That’s the whole reason I like taking the camera, less pictures of me. Now I know you’re going to say, “But you have 731+ pictures of yourself!” But that’s because I had control over those.. lol. Ah, crap.

    Oh, and I asked, and Justin does not think you’re a loudmouthed lunatic. He said he had a good time. :)

    • I hate, hate, hate pictures of me, too, unless I take them myself!

      I’m glad Justin had a good time:) I always get overwhelmed going to someone’s house for the first time if there’s a large group of people. That’s why I like game nights because it breaks the ice.

  8. I didn’t need to issue tickets because I recall my team winning like every game of Catchphrase that we played. We didn’t even need the point Janna forgot. I usually lose at Apples to Apples anyway and how could me and Jess compete with the Scattergories brain trust? We seemed to do just fine nerfing all of Dyanna’s points.

    We had a blast with you guys and my only regret was not cracking into Quip It with you, because if those were your Scattergories answers I could only imagine what you would’ve come up with for that game. I also wish Henry had played because I could see him having the same reactions as Colin. Two for the price of one!

    • I’m confident that had my boyfriend nearly been dead asleep by the time we played Scattergories, we’d have come up with better answers. I was essentially playing on my own!

      Dyanna´s last blog post..St Patty’s Day

    • “We didn’t even need the point Janna forgot.”

      Oh, snap! I blame Collin being dumb!! And Dyanna taking an extra long time so that the buzzer would always go off for Justin. You sly bitches, you.

      Oh, Henry totally gets so mad during Scattergories. It’s the best. He wasn’t even playing this time and he was still so annoyed.

      I’ve said it a thousand times, but I am really so happy that you guys made it out for this. It was so cool having you there for the mania:)

  9. “I feel like this shirt gave Henry some unwritten license to puff out his chest all night and it was really kind of making me sick.”

    *cracking up* And my favorite picture is the one of Henry looking very authoritative in that shirt.

    • If you ever made it to a game night, I am confident in the fact that you would spend most of the night laughing alone (except, not really alone because I’d be laughing too) and Henry’s chagrin. The best is when he actually plays and I get super competitive against him and he gets scared.

  10. Oh man, I hope that I can go to the next one (and maybe bring Liz!). =D

Say it don't spray it.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.