I wanted to have one last game night of the year, especially since my brother will be studying abroad next semester and he loves a good game night. But at the rate December was going, the only night I could schedule it was for a Sunday, which is apparently a bad night for people with jobs. (I wouldn’t know. Every night is Friday night for me.) And my brother ended up not being able to come anyway.
But Blake, Deanna, Alisha, Janna, Mose, Stacey and Brenna didn’t let little old Sunday get in their way of snack food, wine punch, and my horrible selection of games.
We started out with no one’s favorite – Catchphrase. Alisha immediately opted out, remembering that this is the ONE GAME that brings out my competitive side. (That’s an understatement.) I got saddled with a team of people who were skip-happy and didn’t know the word “pediatrician.” The team that had all the boys on it basically pulverized my pathetic team and furthered my hatred of Henry.
My Liberatree is so fabulous, it won’t let the camera focus on anything else. And everyone got to (inadvertently) take home tinsel as a parting gift.
Kara’s too good to come to Game Night (maybe it might have something to do with the fact that, I don’t know, she lives in Maryland and just had a baby) and Catchphrase really flounders without her policing every person’s fuck ups. I tried to step up and bark at people for not following rules but no one listened to me.
And at one point I sort of removed myself from my body and realized I was being a psycho-competitive asshole. But that didn’t stop me from screaming at my own team mates for not doing it right.
It was supposed to be that whomever got this cup was permitted to leave early (after punching Alisha in the face, of course). Unfortunately, Henry got it and even though he begged, I remained firmly planted in my decision that he was ineligible.
Alisha was all hunkered down in her arm chair, laughing as my gasket threatened to blow. Winning Catchphrase is pretty much all I have in life, OK? We can only play so many rounds before I get all anxious and one side of my face starts to sag like a stroke victim’s. I’ve hit people in more heated rounds before. No wait, that was Scattergories. Which we also played!
Somehow there were too many people for everyone to get a Scattergories scoreboard (I know, how often does “too many people” and “at one of Erin’s parties” ever go together?) so we had to pair up. Alisha immediately clung to me and whispered, “What? I want to win.” See? She knows! Now, Stacey HATES playing Scattergories with me. Something about how she thinks I cheat? I can’t remember. But I firmly believe this is the reason why she hasn’t been to a game night since November 2006. (Yes, I keep track.)
Henry and Mose were a team, which apparently Henry thought was awkward. “Because we’re two guys,” Henry explained. Oh, of course, that makes sense now—wait. I thought we were playing Scattergories, not TouchEachOthersPrivaterories. And even THEN Henry might need a better argument than “because we’re two guys.”
Maybe that’s why they played the game so straight. OH HO.
And of course Alisha and I pwned the whole room with our unbeatably ingenious answers. Janna sat this game out and totally had our backs, righteously defending our answer of “gas stove” for furniture. HELLO IT’S CALLED ANTIQUE. I know so many people who have one and use it as a fashionable footstool, so suck a dick Henry. And when Henry and Stacey accused Alisha and me of making up the name Giacomo for “boys name – letter G” (maybe if they READ MY BLOG they would know that I wrote a story in 2008 called Giacomo’s Secret, not that I’m angry about that or anything) and that “at best, it starts with a J!” This is because Henry is not as worldly and traveled as I. Had he ever been to Italy, perhaps he’d have had the opportunity to ride on the back of one Giacomo’s Vespa.
“That’s a real name,” Janna said, waving her imaginary flag. “Erin knew a Giacomo once. He liked to brush his teeth.”
“What? I did?” I asked, thinking she was making this up to help. I searched her face for a wink, but found nothing other thana look that said “Why are you staring at me like that, psycho-perv?”
“Yeah, don’t you remember? He brought his toothbrush over to your apartment.”
So now I’m thinking silently, “Oh my god, did I fuck some guy named Giacomo and he knew he was going to spend the night so he brought his toothbrush? That’s awfully brazen. I’d remember one-nighting it with someone named Giacomo though, wouldn’t I? I wonder if it was good. Probably not. It rarely was.” But the more clues Janna fed me, it finally clicked that he was some blind date I had and in order to meet him, I had a get together at my apartment and yes, he brought his tooth brush, and also a pack of cards which he later used to wow no one. I should write about that dude sometime. I vaguely remember the night ending with me locking myself in my car and crying. You know, the usual.
Now remember, Mose has never been to my house before and has never met any of my friends. So the poor guy had to sit through all of this and probably wonders about my credibility as a human being now. For his sake, I did go easy on the rest of them, and funneled my brilliance into smaller doses than typical. I know how some people feel threatened by my awesomeness. (Henry and Stacey.)
Whenever our answers would be questioned, we’d use Arkansas as our scapegoat, since that’s where Alisha is from and ain’t no one gon’ mess with Alisha. Like when we said Galaxies for a professional sports team and immediately followed it with “THEY’RE FROM ARKANSAS.” Too bad when Henry asked, “What sport?” I nervously yelled, “Basketball! Women’s basketball! WNBA!” while Alisha said, “They’re a baseball team” at the same time. I vaguely remember someone opening their fat mouth to question, “I thought there was no WNBA anymore?” Well guess what, tonight there is, and you’re not my friend anymore.
It didn’t matter because Alisha and I KILLED at this game. No one stood a chance. And as usual, we got cold shoulders at the end of it, something I’m all too familiar with since I always prevail. “Now you know how it feels at the top,” I whispered somberly to Alisha. “Lonely.”
I’m not going to front, I used to play Scattergories alone as a kid.
After Henry took a generous one hour to read the directions, because no one remembered from last year, Last Word was the next and last game to be played. I sat this one out because the worth of my brain is far too valuable to be overexerted on such silly child games. It’s insured by a very powerful Slavic corporation.
Somehow during this game, the topic of anime came up, and Mose mentioned that he has a friend who love Inuyasha.
I could sense Janna shooting me desperate glances and willing my mind to notice that she was psychically zipping her lips. Too late. I pointed at her so hard that I almost propelled myself out of my chair.
“JANNA LOVES THAT SHOW AND HAS THE HOTS FOR THAT BOY CARTOON THING!”
And her face got all red and she sputtered something about that being a long time ago and we all had a good laugh at Janna’s expense. Thanks for baking that lovely banana bread, by the way, Janna.
And then we all talked about porn and Henry was like, “Hello, may I remind everyone that my son is sitting right here” and I was like, “Yeah I know, and I think he’s the one that broached the topic.” Awkward for Henry, LOLs all around for the rest of us.
Poor Chooch. He wanted to play so bad. But instead, he hauled out Candyland and played quietly on the floor. It reminded me so much of myself as a kid. And also now. Being this awesome can be so alienating, Chooch. You’ll get used to it. If you’re lucky.
I think I’m done with game nights. The next one will be just a regular party. Or something really awesome, like a quilting bee.