It’s been a minute since I’ve done a Friday Five and I’m feeling like that’s what I want to do today so that’s what I’m doing.

1. IS HE DEAD YET

Remember last weekend when the Internet thought that the orange dickheadtator was dead? Remember how fun and invigorating that was? I had the most fun online that weekend than I have had in years. That pre-celebratory, hopeful euphoria breathed life into me and I was positively giddy! The Weekend at Bernie’s memes were sending me. My mom came over on Monday and, knowing that at least during his first term she was a Trumpophant, I gleefully blurted out, “DO YOU THINK TRUMP IS DEAD???” She had a very neutral reaction so I don’t know where she stands.

I was just telling Henry last night that it was one of the happiest, most fun weekends I have had since everything started to tank for me in 2023 and then I started crying because WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE. Almost a full week of not seeing his orangeness and hearing his slurred sentence fragments rife with made-up words and not waking up to more infuriating news of what part of our country he’s shitting on next.  So, now I’m just back to being miserable, depressed, full of rage and frustration. I have NEVER hated someone so much in my life and it actually feels like it’s chipping away at my health. LET’S GO BLOOD CLOT. And I want that shit to happen on live TV too.

I did see a comment on Threads (where I live now) recently likening him to a cockroach – “he’ll survive a fucking nuclear fallout.” This feels so true and I hate it.

(I have been reading stuff about 1989 Romania and I am so fucking amped up. THE PARALLELS ARE SCARY.)

2. THE VERIZON PEDDLER

Last Wednesday while I was working, THE DOORBELL RANG. I had no choice but to answer it because the door was actually open and the bell ringer was actually staring right at me through the screen door. It was some young Verizon guy who could NOT make eye contact with me during his spiel, which I quickly interrupted to say that MY HUSBAND is the one who handles this shit. Chooch and I have AT&T and as soon as I said that, he was like “OH! HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY?” Dafuq if I know, bro. Again, I defaulted to “wife helpless, husband smart.” He asked to talk to Henry and I was like, “he’s taking a nap” so then he asked me when I expect him to wake up LOL. These Verizon peddlers, ISTFG. I was like, “Definitely 6pm” knowing that I wouldn’t be there because I was meeting Margie and Sue at Juniper Grill for dinner.

I was warning Henry about the visitor he could be expecting later and said, not like this meant anything to him, “He reminded me a lot of my friend Evan from high school.” Evan is also the one who owns the tattoo shop where I have gotten my last three tattoos so I do know the adult-version of him, but this kid reminded me specifically of high school-era Evan. Henry was like, “cool story” and continued oaf’ing around the house or whatever he was doing. Watching Instagram reels probably.

Anyway, while at dinner later that night, my jaw slowly dropped open as I saw THE AFOREMENTIONED EVAN stride past our table?! He was there with his family so I didn’t want to interrupt but I thought that was wild considering I haven’t seen him outside of his tattoo parlor since…the early 00s probably.

When I came home that night, Henry told me that not-Evan had come back to the house – twice! – but Henry didn’t answer the door. Rude!!

3. Vanity

I had to get my driver’s license renewed over the weekend and as usual, I was so tightly-wound over it because I hate having my picture taken –  that could make or break the entire weekend for not just me, but everyone around me.

Henry accompanied me to AAA because he needed to get his international driver’s license for our upcoming trip. I had already gone through the rigmarole of answering all of the questions and getting the dreaded photo taken – I don’t know if the DMV does this because I haven’t gone there in years to get my license renewed ever since I learned that AAA does it and it’s way more convenient, but AAA will retake your picture until you get one you like! – and was sitting next to a large white woman in her late 50s who acted like she and her equally-as-loud husband were the only ones in the waiting area and watched videos on their phones with the volume full blast while speaking loudly about the additions they want to add to their house and how much it will cost, like OK brag much.

“WHAT DID WE DO BEFORE CELL PHONES??” she shouted into the ether.

“STARE AT THE WALL I GUESS,” her husband responded in a booming voice to match her MIDDLE AGED WHITE WOMAN IN A WAITING ROOM energy.

Meanwhile, that is EXACTLY what I was doing = hands folded in my lap and staring straight ahead at a wall, willing this part of the day to pass quickly.

Then Henry joined me.

“For some reason, it completely slipped my mind that I would need to get my picture taken for this,” he whispered in a NORMAL WAITING ROOM VOICE VOLUME. But then he showed me his picture and I couldn’t fucking help it, I LAUGHED REALLY LOUD.

So loud that the AAA lady who was manning the numbers for the driver’s license area also started laughing.

I can’t remember what she said – something about it doesn’t matter if men’s license pictures are bad as long as ours are good or something, and then I couldn’t stop giggling and it was a trickle down effect with some of the people around us.

He looks like they pulled him out of a cave in the Ozarks, lol.

“I didn’t even take a shower yet this morning!” he said. “I would have if I have known!”

So his hair is all greasy PLUS he has hat hair big time, and a tuft of it is sticking out at the side. I love/hate it so much.

Oh, and he looks ANGRY. Like his moonshine operation was just busted.

Meanwhile, I got called back to get my license and I am so happy with the photo!

I mean, sure, my Leno chin is just as prominent as ever, but overall my hair looks nice and my smile looks un-fake so I’ll take it! Henry was like, “OMG stop” because I legit gloated over this the whole way home. I even got out all of my old driver’s licenses to compare and this one is definitely the best one. Then I pulled Chooch out of his room and made him look at all of them and he was like, “Ok.” and I said, “Tell your friends!”

“Tell my friends WHAT?” he scoffed.

“That your mom got a good driver’s license picture taken today!”

LET’S LOOK AT MY DRIVER’S LICENSE PICTURE HISTORY SHALL WE???

My last one was taken in 2017 and then reissued with the same picture during Covid, which was annoying:

I remember this next one was taken in 2014 on the day I met Janna to look at an apartment she was looking to rent above some dude’s garage! I was wearing my Cure shirt from their 2008 concert:

It’s about to get real ugly, literally. This next one was from 2009 ugh why did I dye my hair, also I was about 45 pounds heavier there than I am now oof:

This next one was from 2006, a few mths after giving birth:

A little bit slutty in 2001:

LOL and my first one, in 1998:

LOLOLOLOL. I was 18 here.

Thank you for joining me on this ride through my driver’s license history.

4. THE VERIZON PEDDLER’S RETURN

Last Thursday around 6PM, I had JUST glanced out the window in time to see the Evan-esque Verizon kid approaching the house. I ran onto the back porch just as the doorbell rang and told Henry, “It’s Verizon again! Just answer it so the poor kid can stop wasting his time coming here!” Henry was like GODDAMMIT and stomped over to the door while I hid on the steps.

I was sitting there for quite a while, wondering why “No” was taking so long??

BECAUSE HENRY FELL FOR THE SPIEL!

Apparently, Chooch and me switching to Verizon (Henry already has it but it’s through his job) will save us over $100 a month, who knew. Plus we get new iPhones and I have been dying for the iPhone 16! (Actually, I would love to divorce iPhone altogether but I am a sucker for Hipstamatic.)

Evan-ish had a girl with him this time, I think she was his supervisor, who can be sure but when I was still hiding, I overheard her ask him a question about how bricks are made and he was REALLY into explaining it to her and then she was asking him about ceramics and turns out he knows about things like this because of “engineering” so I’m not sure if this is his side-gig while he’s in college or what but my guy needs to not be doing this forever because he seems super intelligent. Henry must have been in the process of filling out paperwork or something so this is what they decided to talk amongst themselves about. Emma even asked Henry at one point where he got our doorbell and he was like, “I made it” in his typical staccato caveman grunts.

So, now I had also be involved in  this chat since they needed to look at my phone and ask me questions. The girl (her name was Emma) was like, “OMG WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PHONE CASE??” and I said, “Korea!”

“WAIT, YOU’VE BEEN  TO KOREA??” she squealed. I told her we’ve been there 3x and she was like “WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK AND WILL YOU TAKE ME” so now Henry was creepily typing messages to me on his phone, things like, “ASK HER IF SHE LIKES KPOP” so I asked her and she said yes and started talking about Kpop Demon Hunters and then I went and sat back down so Henry texted me, “ASK HER WHO SHE LISTENS TO” like he was legit COACHING ME  TO MAKE A NEW FRIEND.

I didn’t ask her right away and he was getting antsy, like he was truly trying to be my friend matchmaker, bless him. Finally, I did ask her and she was like, “Well, BTS and Blackpink are the most popular ones…” like she was trying to give this old bitch a lesson in Kpop I guess? But then she ultimately said she’s been listening to Ateez lately and I said, “Oh! We saw them last summer” and she was like, “OMG really??” and then I told her that G-Dragon is my fave and we saw him the weekend prior and she said that he really is the best.

“I would drop this guy in a heartbeat for him,” I laughed, jutting my thumb over my shoulder at Henry. But no, really.

Anyway, that happened. No, I did not ask to be real life friends, but I did give her and Evan-ish an iced tea straight from Henry’s work, lol. Overall, they were here for TWO HOURS. Chooch kept t texting me, “How are they still here??”

It was really entertaining, though! And now he and I both have new phones.

5. Speaking of new friends….

I signed up for Nourish and had my first Zoom call yesterday with my new dietician. This disordered eating has to stop, I am in such a rut and tired of crying and freaking out at the thought of having to eat. How has this truly been my attitude toward food for most of my life? It’s so fucking pathetic. But I have been admitting a lot of shitty/embarrassing parts of myself to my therapist lately and the most prevalent one is definitely my fear of food and complete disgust with my body, like it fucking defines me and I can’t stand it. I should not be canceling plans because I don’t like how I look and then lying to people about “having a migraine” when really I am in tears in bed and wanting to carve into myself with a steak knife. I thought that maybe pairing therapy with a legit dietician can help me keep me on a stable path.

So, I met with my dietician, Amanda, yesterday and it was so nice! Informative (when she looked over my files she said that my daily calorie count I’ve been allowing myself is the same that a 2-year-old would need. So, there’s that. But then we started talking about YouTube workouts that we like, and then I was like DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A FUNNY STORY when she asked if I like doing dance cardio so surprise, it only took me 20 minutes into the call to tell her I’m obsessed with Korea. And then somehow I was telling her about my squirrels and after the hour call, I felt so refreshed and happy and ran upstairs to tell Henry. Then I realized, “Wow, I am fucking STARVED for real life conversation*. YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR DIETICIAN, ERIN.”

*(OMG the way I talked my face off at dinner last week with Sue and Margie, I was actually so embarrassed about it later that night when I was running through it in my mind which is what I do every time I come home from peopling because I am socially broken. The way my stories get so derailed, I hate myself. Spit it out, Erin. Pertinent details only. This is a no rambling zone.)

The Verizon girl, my therapist, a dietician who lives in Texas….meet my new friends, Blog. I guess it’s better than talking to myself like I normally do during the day, though, lol. Ugh.

 

1 comment