May 242016

I feel like I need to bullet-blog through the hockey game tonight because I can’t stand these games and I need something to keep me busy or else I will straight have a coronary right here in my stupid living room. So let’s pretend like we care about all the daily minutia that occurs in the life of this basic bitch.

  • Terry ordered puppies last Thursday at work! It was a super exciting ordeal because who doesn’t want to abandon work for a few minutes to be kissed by some fucking adorable puppies? Goodamn serial killers and Donald Trump, that’s who. Uber was doing some charity thing with the Humane Society where you could literally call up an Uber and they’d bring you puppies to play with, and then the money you pay for the Uber went straight to the Humane Society. What a fucking genius idea! We all enjoyed it immensely, but no one more than Michele, who ended up being so smitten and puppy-drunk that she went out and adopted one a few days later! God, I love a happy ending. (All versions.)
    • I get really emotional around animals, so even though I was happy to pet some puppies, I still cried because crying is just what I do. It’s fine. I own it. I really miss having dogs, though!
    • guess who didn’t go outside to see the puppies? Glenn. But we already know he’s a serial killer.


  • Here I am with my very first dog, WALLY.
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  • Emarosa’s new single “Helpless” has been getting some actual radio play on some Detroit radio station! Tonight, they were up against Brand New for some battle of the band thingie and Bradley was all, “Hey Twitter, call and vote” and when a band I like tells me to do something, I’m probably going to do it, even if that means using my phone as an actual phone which is like my least favorite thing to use my phone for. Ugh, what the hell, Emarosa. The first time I called, I HUNG UP WITH THE DJ ANSWERED BECAUSE OMG PANIC, ANXIETY, WILL I START STUTTERING, WHO CAN EVEN GUESS?! So then I called back and of course the dude couldn’t just take my vote and hang up, he had to start asking me questions like “what is your name” and “where are you from?” and I got a super fan-girl lilt to my voice and PLEASE I HOPE THEY DIDN’T PUT ME ON AIR UGH.
    • It’s hard to believe that I used to do this shit for sport! I can’t tell you how many mix tapes I’ve collected where each song is preceded by “This is SUSIE, from CLAIRTON.” That was my go-to name and location.
  • Chooch has been really into for a while now and I guess this is basically admitting that I’m out of touch, but I think it’s dumb as fuckkkkkk. Especially when he wants me to help him film shit. But then when we were at my grandparents house over the weekend, he roped Corey into assisting him and I have to admit, it was pretty funny.

And here is another one that I like:

  • 10 more minutes until this stupid hockey game starts. I just can’t with Stanley Cup playoffs. Henry never stays awake for the end so I’m always alone, freaking out, and having no one to console me. Thanks, fuck boy.
  • Speaking of Henry, he broke his phone so he’s been using some spare phone from work and it’s a FLIP PHONE with NO INTERNET ACCESS lol forever. I downloaded a new emoji keyboard just so I could send him a “cuz” emoji  because I always try to get him to say “Sup cuz” to his “friends” and he gets so mad because “I DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!” Anyway, he was so angry because he had to actually download the emoji to see it and it took him so long and then he was like, “REALLY, ERIN? ALL THAT FOR THIS?!”
    • Looks like Erin wins again!

  • I had breakfast at Pamela’s with Jeannie, Wendy and Summer on Saturday. Wendy made us go to a different Pamela’s, one that was more convenient for her, god forbid, and I was so mad because there was construction and I had to go some weird way IN THE RAIN and I got all stressed out! And then on top of that, Wendy made fun of me because I apparently made a really excited face as I was showing Jeannie the picture of me with Carly Rae Jepsen! UGH! But I had a good banana walnut pancake and Summer is always nice to look at (but not hold, because I haven’t completely lost my mind).
    • I was going to pay for Wendy’s breakfast as a belated birthday thing but then she got the wrong order and the waitress took it off the bill so happy birthday, Wendy! I did that for you!  You’re welcome.


  • Has anyone nicknamed Tampa’s goalie “Vagisilevski” yet?  This series has made me feel very disoriented. Nothing feels familiar. And Henry has already gone to bed?!?! It’s not even 8:30!
  • We had cake at work and I didn’t eat any because diet but right about now I’d like to fucking suffocate myself in it.
  • NO FUCKING GOAL!!!!!!!!!! OFFSIDE!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!

  • Bought a bunch of new plants over the weekend and apparently the cats smoked crack yesterday and went on a fucking spree. Let’s just say it’s a good thing Henry came home before me and cleaned up the carnage because from what I could tell, there was a lot of plant guts and broken glass. For Henry to say, “It was bad, real bad” then you know it was spectacularly horrendous because homie don’t exaggerate.  So by the time I came home, I was ready to unadopt those little assholes. And you know what they did the rest of the night? SLEPT ON THE COUCH BECAUSE THEY WERE SOOOO EXHAUSTED.
    • I blame Henry for this because he hasn’t built me a myriad of shelves like I keep asking for and he also has ignored every hanging planter DIY I’ve sent him.
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  • I’m going to have to give myself a pixie cut to even out my hair after hockey is done for the year.
  • Also, I feel like I need to eat something. A stick of butter maybe.

  • I found a stack of old photos in my Pappap’s desk, including several featuring y birth dad. This was a pretty big deal for me because I have very few photos of him and the ones I d have, his face is barely visible, almost like it was on purpose. LIKE MAYBE HE WAS A VAMPIRE. I can’t believe I have never considered this theory before. Anyway, I found this great photo of him and me at the circus and this image of me surrounded by so many clowns envelopes me in fuzzy wings made of joy and a slight echo of maniacal laughter. Man, I have just always loved those fucking painted-faced derelicts.
  • Oh great, Geno got a fucking penalty. Time to hold my nose and dunk my head in water for 2 minutes.
  • We’re leaving for Michigan after work on Friday and I am so fucking ready. (I mean, I still have to pack.) I’m beyond stoked for Bled Fest but also just as stoked for the next day when we get to hang out with our pals Bill and Jessi! We haven’t seen them since our poorly-planned road trip two summers ago so we are way past due for some quality friend-o time.
  • 5-on-3 for a 1:19 — come on Pens! OMG my stomach. My bowels are going to start leaking. I can’t stand this stress.
  • KESSEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • OK. 1-0 Pens. End of 1st period. This is good. I’m OK. I’m breathing.

  • The original bae, Robert Smith. I GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN NEXT MONTH, LORD HELP ME. It’s hilarious to me that I drained my savings to go to Australia to see them play on what Robert claimed was their “last tour” ever. And yet I’ve seen them four, soon to be five, times since then. Still, I’m glad that happened! Easily the greatest moment of my life. I mean, um, after having Chooch. I guess.
    • Can I just say that it’s a tie?


  • ^^^What I’m going to look like if the Penguins lose this goddamn game.
  • Well, Chooch and I wanted to share an apple but we couldn’t find the apple corer and neither of us are allowed to use big knives so we tried to bully Henry into waking up and coming downstairs to cut the apple but then thank god I found the apple corer because it was starting to look grim for us, and I didn’t want to resort to Plan X, which was take the apple upstairs to Henry with a knife and then stab him with the knife.
    • Basically what I’m saying is that this night could have taken a much different, dark, dastardly turn instead of us sitting here eating an apple harmoniously.
      • Goddamn, this apple is a stunner. I just made Chooch go find out what brand it is and he has reported back that it’s a Gala. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
  • There were some outlander broads on our floor last Friday. I guess Glenn knew one of them from another job he had so she stopped to chat with him (I know, I was surprised too); meanwhile the other broad was like, “Wow…” in kind of a disgusted tone, and I noticed she was looking at my adorable Fiji mermaid. “Yeah, welcome to the freak show,” Glenn mumbled but I think he was secretly smug, like, “yeah, that’s right, I get to sit behind the most interesting work space in this joint.” A few seconds after they left, I stood up, turned around, and cried, “WHO WAS THAT?” because randos don’t come on our floor very often and I was intrigued that Glenn knew these ones. Todd made some comment about how he didn’t realize I was at my desk for that, since I hadn’t chimed in with any retaliations to Glenn’s snide remarks. “I had jellybeans in my mouth,” I said with a shrug. #missedopportunity
    • Amber2 said that the one broad was making googly eyes at Glenn while talking to him, AH HA HA HA!!!
  • OH YOU GUYS, PENS SCORED!!! 2-0!!! Not getting my hopes up. I feel dizzy AF.
  • I asked Henry if he will live blog during Bled Fest and he got all incredulous and indignant so that surely means yes.
    • Real talk, though, I hope I don’t get hurt at Bled Fest.
  • Things with my mom are going well, thanks for asking!!
  • Today I decided that if I do less work, I’ll probably make less mistakes, right? I sucked all-around today.
  • Pens are on the power play now! I need my boo Malkin to score.
  • HEY HAVE YOU SEEN “THE WITCH”? We watched it over the weekend and damn was I disappointed. Really boring and not even all that visually stimulating, plus I could barely understand most of the dialogue, stupid fucking Puritans. Super glad I ended up not wasting money on it at the theater! (#tightwad) Henry and I both mumbled, “That was dumb” at the same time and he and I rarely have the same movie reviews because he generally doesn’t like anything anyway unless it was made by the Wayans brothers or has “Bourne” in the title. OR IS PORNOGRAPHY. But that’s a given. Duh. Doi.
    • Speaking of pornography, in my dream last night, we were having a threesome with Frankenstein. I told Henry about it today and he made a disgusted face at me but I think he’d be into it.
  • This period is almost over and then I am going to exercise. Don’t worry. I’ll be back.
  • SID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3-0!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    • LOL at the person who yelled “CROSBY SUCKS” as he walked down the runway. I bet that really shook him to the core.
  • K I’M BACK. I woke Henry up and berated him briefly because he apparently can’t take me to work tomorrow and you know what that means – trolley time. :(
  • FUCK Tampon scored. :( 3-1. IT’S OK KESSEL. NOBODY’S PERFECT. OMG stop with the Closeup of Shame, NBC.
    • Man, the momentum has shifted for sure and I do not like it. Pens need to get another goal and fast.
  • Hate me if you need to, but am I the only one who found that Chewbacca Mask bitch annoying as fuck? I didn’t even realize it was such a big deal at first and literally thought it was just one of my friend sharing a video of someone they actually knew, so I watched it before I realized there was hype around it and I was just like, “_______” Henry walked in and said, “What are you watching?” because I apparently looked irritated, and I just said, “I don’t know. Some really stupid video.” I mean, props to her for getting her 15 minutes and I swear I’m not a hater, but….man. Standards just get lower and lower.

  • “Call It Lust” by Dora Maar was my jammmmm back in 2005, but I lost the mp3 I had of it years ago. Then a few months ago, someone put it up on YouTube and I honestly fell to my knees and rejoiced. You can ask Henry (412-605-2143). He had to sit here and watch me freak out and scream, “ONE MORE TIME!!!!” every time it ended. I have a very obsessive personality.
    • I was friends with these guys on LiveJournal but lost touch. I would give anything to hear them play this song live. Like, in my Pappap’s gameroom.
  • Oh for Christ’s sake, this game is wrecking my stomach.
    • I hate all of the Lightning players’ names.
    • “Back-up goalie Marc-Andre Fleury” — still sounds so weird.
    • Don’t worry, my hair is now in a bun so I can’t shred it any further. I might call Chooch downstairs so I can start pulling his hair out though. That’s what kids are for.
  • Henry eats pretzels with every meal. And sometimes pretzels are his meal.
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  • Wow, how can I sleep after this. #THATSWHATFRANKENSTEINSAID
  • Yay! Game over. Now I can start stressing about Game 7.

Gotta go. Frankenstein’s on the other line.

  6 Responses to “Non-Sequiturs During the Hockey Game”

  1. This was me the whole game. I distracted myself with anything. Amy graded papers. And I can’t handle that Chewbacca lady, either! Some annoying lady laughs a lot and everyone loses their shit because “she’s so joyful”? Seriously?
    No thanks.

    • Yeah! I’m all for feel-good moments, etc., but I went to her page before I realized this was like A Big Deal and it seemed like she already had a lot of “followers” to begin with, for whatever reason.

      We’re doing it all wrong, Chris!

  2. vlog!!

  3. Glenn did not go outside to see the puppies. WELL THERE YOU HAVE IT.

    You know. We did not get a Henry update when he had The Pallet Jack Incident. Are we now never going to know how he broke his phone?! What did you do now, Henry?

    I adore your old photos. You’re always finding new ones; please keep doing this!

    But did Glenn make googly eyes BACK?!

    Wait, pretzels with every meal? I’m going to interview him about this habit.

Say it don't spray it.

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