Sep 062016

Hi, hello, I’m here again with more Kennywood words and stuff because memories are like Pokémon to me and I GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL.

That made no sense. It’s the end of Labor Day weekend and I’m all tapped out. Just a few minutes ago, I called Florence & the Machine “Florence and the Hendersons” so that should tell you where my mind currently resides. Still, I’m going to power through this last Kennywood post because I love torturing myself and anyone out there on the Internet who might actually read this. Cringe away!



  • The Aero360 used to be my favorite ride at Kennywood and I still love it but it doesn’t thrill me as much as it once did, especially when we sit there for 10 minutes while there is some sort of harness malfunction happening behind us and pearls of sweat are starting to dot my brow, but then we find out that it’s someone whose shoulders are too broad so it’s literally the person’s physique that’s malfunctioning and not the ride so I feel less anxious but still not too encouraged that we’re going to survive this thing. LUCKILY we had Sam assisting us and SAM was my favorite ride attendant of the day and Chooch didn’t understand why and I couldn’t find the words to explain it to him because he’s not yet reached Henry Levels of understanding me and my obsessions, for instance like tonight when Sandy alerted me to the existence of Ballet Zoom and I watched an hour’s worth of YouTube videos and then made them my cover photo on Facebook. Henry didn’t question this, but Chooch was like, “THE FUCK.”
    • We rode on it again later and there were three middle school girls in front of us in line and they were so fucking annoying because they were middle school girls, and one of them was talking about some airline conspiracy where airlines make sure that “no one ever survives a plane crash” because they don’t want to have to pay them money?! Even Chooch was like, “WTF Is this girl on, that’s the dumbest thing ever.” And I was like, “CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT PLANE CRASHES WHILE WAITING IN LINE TO GO ON SOMETHING THAT GOES UPSIDE DOWN PLEASE?!”
  • One of the things I want to remember always is Chooch’s extreme madness at all the attention I was getting in nearly every line we stood in, from not only other people in line, BUT RIDE OPERATORS TOO. People loved my phone case, so that got a lot of smiles and compliments much to Chooch’s chagrin because he is SO JEALOUS OF MY BITCHIN’ ACCESSORIES, but what really got a shit ton of attention was my beloved Marcy tattoo. Most people just quickly complimented it as we passed each other in line, but one couple took it a step further and started asking me legit questions about it in line for the Kangaroo, which gave me the opportunity to pimp out the artist, Erin Hosfield, but also talk about MARCY. I wasn’t done talking about her but the dumb line started to move and we were in opposite queues so as we both started moving away from each other, I had to yell, “SHE WAS REAL MAJESTIC! SHE HATED EVERYONE!”


  • Also in line for the Kangaroo, we were behind this lady and her two young boys and this lady was like so pissed that she was at Kennywood. Our first encounter with them was when we rolled up into line and the two boys were fighting over their water bottle and the one started kicking the other and the mom had basically no idea that this was going on because she was engrossed in her phone, and it wasn’t until they crashed into her that she snapped out of it and yelled, “WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING ABOUT!?!?” and I thought to myself, “Well, I’ll tell you what they’re fighting about: Billy’s being a cunt and won’t share his water with his little brother” but she didn’t actually care about what they were fighting about, just that they disturbed her SCREEN TIME. For some reason, this was a really long wait and the entire time we had to stand there and watch her completely neglect her kids. The older one eventually started talking to Chooch about Pokémon Go and then the younger one got lost for a bit (I knew where he was but when Mom realized he had wandered away, it was pretty hilarious to watch the panic — he was literally only a few feet away, playing in some rocks), and the whole time I’m wondering what’s the point of bringing your kids to Kennywood if you’re not going to enjoy the time you’re spending with them. I mean, even Chooch noticed it. It was heartbreaking, especially when one of her friends walked over with her young daughter, and Kangaroo Mom adopted this super fake, saccharine voice while asking the little girl if she wanted to ride with her. The little girl did not, in fact, want to ride with her, because Billy probably tells her all kinds of stories about how shitty his cunt mom is.
    • Also, she was really annoyed when the people were asking me about my tattoo. I loved that part, though.
      • Chooch and I sat in the car behind her and exhibited joy that was extremely disproportionate to the ride we were on. I mean, the Kangaroo is mildly fun but we were screaming our dumb faces off and everyone in line was like, “…………………….”



  • Standing in line for the Log Jammer, Chooch casually said, “Oh, that’s Johnny’s sister up there in line.” Using my hyper-accurate mom decoder ring, I cracked this message to read: I HAVE A CRUSH ON JOHNNY’S SISTER AND WANT TO ASK HER TO PLAY ROBLOX WITH ME OR MAYBE WATCH SHANE DAWSON VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE. So I started egging him on and he was getting really mad at me, I have no idea why, it’s not like I kept elbowing him and daring him to wave hello or blow her a kiss. Because does that sound like something I would do, NO. He kept trying to see if she would look at him and I was like, “She’s not looking. She seems like a REAL B if you ask me” and then he was getting defensive about her which means he’s writing his marriage proposal in his head already, oh my god, my little BAYBAY IS GROWING UP.


ONE OF THESE GIRLS IS JOHNNY’S SISTER. Also, Chooch doesn’t know her name, just that she’s Johnny’s Sister. 


We saw her in line for the RACER too. Speaking of the Racer…

  • The ride attendant let Chooch and I are on the ride at the last minute after noticing that there was one empty car so in all of the flurry and excitement, I couldn’t get my seat belt buckled and THEY NEVER CHECKED IT. Chooch was frantically yelling, “EXCUSE ME MY MOM’S SEATBELT IS NOT ON” but then they were all ALL CLEAR with their thumbs up in the air and I kept assuring Chooch that I wasn’t going to die, and I would only care if the seat belt was the kind that crossed the whole seat, but this one was just mine, so Chooch was safely belted in. I’ve ridden this damn coaster enough times to know that I wasn’t going to get flung into the tree tops unless I stood up during the part where the skull and crossbones sign tells you DON’T STAND UP, but THEN WHY WAS I WHITEKNUCKLING THE BARS!? No really, it was fine. I made it. I’m alive. BUT HEY TEENAGE RIDE ATTENDANTS, DO A BETTER JOB.
    • Fine, I was kind of scared.


  • I was so excited when it was finally time to ride the train and by “finally time” I mean that we were in the area and I slickly corralled Chooch into line before he could figure out what was going on, because he thinks the train is so stupid and hello, it IS so stupid, which is why it’s so fucking fun! Anyway, it was really crowded for some reason, and we mistakenly boarded the last train car which was occupied by an entire group of people in matching t-shirts and we wound up sitting in the front, which also has a row of seats FACING toward the rest of us, so part of the group sat there and we had to stare at them while they held conversations over our heads with the rest of their group and I fucking hated it. I actually started to sweat, because it felt too intimate and I considered getting off the ride before it started but that would look worse, wouldn’t it? OMG why are they staring at me? Anyway, these assholes spent the whole time complaining about the ride and making fun of things and suddenly, it wasn’t so funny when other people were making the jokes! Also, one of them asked, “Where are we? Ohio?” and one of other people calmly said, “No, Pennsylvania” LIKE IT WASN’T A STUPID QUESTION? They weren’t from Pittsburgh so maybe someone else might have cut them some slack, but I just got hyper-sensitive about my hometown and wanted to punt them off the train.
    • “I liked those people!” Chooch cheered when we walked away from the train. That made me hate them even more!


  • We ate at Johnny Rockets, because that’s what we do when Henry isn’t there — we eat at a place where our food is brought to us. Plus, Johnny Rockets has veggie burgers!
    • By the way, Chooch’s vegetarianism is still going strong and I can’t believe it. I swear to god I’m not pressuring him into doing this! It’s all on his own. His favorite brand of fake chicken is Quorn, by the way. Ask him about it sometime and he’ll morph into Paula Deen napping on a hammock, having a butter dream.


  • Ugh, I can’t ride the Cosmic Chaos anymore because it makes me have optical seizures. Honestly, my eyeballs become part of a pinball game and my whole day is ruined. I used to love this ride when it was new, but now I just sit on a bench like a MOM and watch Chooch have a grand ol’ time on his own.


  • This time around, I bought Chooch his beloved lemonade before he had a chance to start crying about how badly he needed lemonade, which is what he did last year because I’m not HENRY and I can’t handle these demands as quickly and seamlessly as Hank the Tank. (Literally no one ever calls him  that.) Anyway, he was enjoying his lemony ade while standing in line for the Jack Rabbit when suddenly! He noticed that there was a discarded lemon on the track of the coaster, just laying there looking sad and orphaned, and because Chooch has the innate propensity to anthropomorphize anything and everything just like his MOMMY, he latched on to this sad, acidic wedge of refuse and began making up songs about it until eventually he had started some weird political campaign for lemons and began shouting “HASHTAG LEMON EQUALITY!” which was funny at first but then people were starting to stare and I’m only OK with people staring sometimes, and not other times. Chooch doesn’t care though, he’ll stare right back.
    • Corey wasn’t even there, but now he’s all about lemon equality too thanks to Chooch’s persuasiveness.


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  • Ugh, the Black Widow, why did I do this to myself again?! I swear, that line moves so slowly because they want everyone to stand there and think about what they’re about to let happen to themselves. It’s one of the most solemn lines I’ve ever stood in. And now there’s a new sign screaming about how hair longer than shoulder length needs to be pulled back, and that hair ties are available.  WHAT, WHY. WHAT HAPPENED?! At first I thought I was the only one panicking about this, because was my hair at DANGER’S LENGTH? Did I need to request a hair tie?! Chooch was like, “Good lord, calm down. That broad’s hair is way longer than yours and she doesn’t have it pulled back” and he pointed to some broad whose hair really was way longer than mine, and the ride attendant just walked right past her, like, “Well, if you don’t care about getting scalped, then I don’t care either.” Meanwhile, the girls in line behind us had also just noticed the sign and they started making wild speculations as well, and my legs were beginning to buckle. When it was our turn, I cried, “Do you think I need a hair tie!?” to the ride attendant, who was just like, “Wha—? No.” And then that was that. No hair tie for me. But I started to feel like maybe I needed one anyway. Maybe their measurements were off and it was actually “just hovering at shoulder length” and now I was in peril.
    • Also, we each were handed a card with a seat number on it which I thought was fantastic because sometimes on circular rides like this one, you end up getting split up from your friends because people love to sit down and leave one empty space between them and that fucks everything up! So now people are guaranteed to be seated with their buddies and it makes me happy. All of this is to say that even with a plastic card that had a LARGE BOLD SEAT NUMBER ON IT, Chooch still sat in the wrong seat and almost screwed everything up. He’s so embarrassing.
      • Like my Woman on the Edge shrieking during the entire ride isn’t already embarrassing enough. I swear this ride was worse than the first time I went on it last year! The girls next to me were so happy to get away from me when it was over, I think. I’m sorry, but when I’m under duress, things come out of my mouth and I can’t control that. Or the volume.
        • The people working this ride are no fun at all. We re-watched “Kennywood Memories” the other night and I think we all can agree that the people working there in the 1980s were the BEST. Kennywood needs to raise the bar. I need more interaction. And bigger hair. (On them, not me. I don’t want anymore of this hair tie hassle.)

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JOHNNY’S SISTER ALERT. This time she said hi to him so I had to stop calling her a B.

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“Pretty soon you’ll be coming here with friends, and not your dumb MOM,” I said wistfully at one point during the day, watching a group of middle schoolers crash through a line of people with zero regard.

“No, I’ll still come here with you!” Chooch declared, and I ALMOST believed him.

(I mean, I am a lot of fun at amusement parks, so I can’t imagine why he’d want to ever go with anyone else!)


Another successful day at Kennywood without supervision. We’re growing up!

  One Response to “Chooch n’ Me At Kennywood, Part 3: Wrapping It Up”

  1. ““Pretty soon you’ll be coming here with here with friends, and not your dumb MOM,” I said wistfully at one during the day, watching a group of middle schoolers crash through a line of people with zero regard.

    “No, I’ll still come here with you!” Chooch declared, and I ALMOST believed him.”

    Both of you are right. He’ll veer off on his own, as kids do. But then he’ll return and you guys will go together again.

    As always, your photographs capture life perfectly, always.

Say it don't spray it.

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