Apr 142017

It’s Good Friday. Would it be crossing the line if I made you guys pretend these bullet points are crucifix nails? Also, enjoy some random pictures of Pittsburgh in the springtime.

  • Henry and I have been going round and round for the last two weeks. Over almonds! Of all things. Every time he goes to the store, he asks me what I want, and I’m like, “Almonds.” A meager request! But then he comes home and I’m like where are my almonds and he’s all blank stare which means his synapses are tripping over themselves trying to send a legit excuse to his brain. So the first two times this happened, he was all, “I forgot” and then the next time, he was all, “THEY ARE EXPENSIVE.” This seemed like a lame excuse so I started a fight with him, because that’s what I do: start fights and prevent him from sleeping. Everyone knows that. Anyway, on Monday, I went to CVS because I had nothing to eat for lunch and figured I should buy some more oatmeal which is one of the few things I can be bothered to prepare on my own, and while I was there, I thought, “I will also get almonds, fuck you Henry.” And holy shit, guys, almonds are fucking expensive! I mean, I don’t really know the value of a dollar or economics or even how to count money, really, but $9 for a small bag of almonds seemed a bit astronomical to me. So I bought pecans instead and even those seemed like a lot of money, what is this world coming to. I came back to work and had SO MUCH TO SAY about this. “I thought almonds were just like, basic. Like peanuts!” I cried, and Glenn just frowned and said no. Todd put his earphones in because he didn’t feel like contributing, I guess. I was very distraught about this and no one cared, but I bet BARB would have cared if she still worked there. She probably would have come in the next day with an almond-filled sack slung over her shoulders, like the Santa Claus of Seeds.
    • In other CVS news, when I was waiting to check out, the manager came back in from her smoke break (presumably) and literally yelled, “JOHN! Oh my god, JOHN! You didn’t think to ask for help!?” John, the lone cashier, barely glanced up from the change he was counting, therefor didn’t realized that the line had grown exponentially since he started ringing up his current customer. “You didn’t notice this MAGNIFICENT line?!” the manager hollered, gesturing wildly to us haggard people trying to get shit done on our lunch break. John just shrugged and calmly handed his customer their receipt and called the next person in line. Meanwhile, after calling for “Amy’s” assistance (she told her the line had 30 people in it — FALSE), the manager opened the register next to his and I was the lucky person who drew her number. “I’m so sorry!” she loudly apologized to me. “I have NO IDEA how he didn’t notice this line!” Poor John was just standing there, trying to block her out, trying to do his job, trying to enjoy being a middle-aged man in a graying pony tail. “Honestly, it just kind of happened all at once,” I said in John’s defense, because suddenly I’m not the person who gets irate when standing in line anymore? The manager looked at me, a real hard look directly into my eyes, trying to see if she could detect bullshit, like who is this dumb bitch with the audacity to defend JOHN, right? “Well, we’ll let him off the hook this time, since you said it all happened at once,” she said with A WINK while handing me by bag of oatmeal and not-almonds. UGH, we didn’t just BOND over that, so don’t wink at me, weirdo. Poor John. I hope he went home and at least got a handjob that night.

  • Sometimes at work, we get high school interns or something, I don’t know what they are, but they’re usually following around the people from the mail room and it’s kind of cute at first but then I just feel sorry for myself because these kids still have a chance, you know? LE SIGH. Anyway, one of the mail guys was carting around some girl a few weeks ago and I vaguely noticed her in my periphery. I didn’t really think much of it until a few days later when she was patrolling our floor for mail all on our own. I went over to Todd’s desk after she rounded the corner and said, ‘Wow, that high school kid walks around here with more confidence than any of the actual mail people!” Todd gave me some neutral reply and then we went about our business. A few days later, I noticed she was STILL there, which I thought was weird because I don’t remember those kids ever lasting very long. So that’s when I was like….is this not a teenager? Todd was all, “Man, I had no idea WHAT you were talking about that day. That girl is like in HER THIRTIES.” And then the next time she walked by, I got a real good look at her, and just started cracking up because there is literally nothing about her that even remotely suggests she could be in high school. MY EYES ARE THAT BAD. Even Lauren admitted that she was concerned for me. “And they also never let those high school interns go rogue,” she pointed out, which I think was her gentle way of calling me a dumbass. I started thinking of this while I was doing KpopX the other night, and I started laughing so hard that I almost peed my pants during a rigorous “Boombayah” routine. “It’s not funny,” Henry said. “You sincerely need to get your eyes checked.”

  • Speaking of KpopX, my new shirt came in the mail and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. I almost knocked Henry to the ground in my haste to get the package open. No, not his package. The actual KpopX package, straight from Singapore. (Not Korea, sadly.) I took these stereotypical pictures even though it’s something I would generally roll my eyes at, just because I wanted to tag Maddy (FROM KPOPX!!) in them on Instagram. I’m a suck-up.

  • My friend Stacey was recently in San Antonio and sent me this picture because she knew it would make me laugh. <3
  • “Don’t think it’s weird that I’ve never been haunted by anything?” I asked my co-workers out of the blue the other day. “That’s because you’re on the haunting end of things,” Glenn muttered. THIS IS THE NICEST THING HE’S EVER SAID TO ME.
  • Meanwhile, Todd broke my heart because he said he likes BTS better than BIGBANG. (It’s a Kpop thing. You wouldn’t understand.)

  • The abortion protestors must be on vacation because I didn’t see them at all this week, except for one lady who was KNEELING ON THE GROUND and praying in front of Planned Parenthood today, like get the fuck over yourself. I was on the phone with Henry and as I walked by, I VERY LOUDLY said, “Oh my god this ABORTION PROTESTOR IS PRAYING, GET A LIFE” because that’s how I operate: feel of passive aggressive indignation. Last week, some old priest was pacing in front of Planned Parenthood, holding a cross and praying and I was like, “OMG YOU’RE SO COOL” and he MIGHT have heard me. I hate those people. They recruited some young girl with blue hair, like she’s going to help convert the Satan-y, alternative types. She tried to give me a brochure once and I hissed.
    • One time, years and years ago, like pre-Chooch years ago, there were pro life d-bags protesting at the church across the street from my house. They were wearing those tacky sandwich boards with various depictions of fetuses splayed across, so Robbie and I decided to open the windows and blast Marilyn Manson. Henry got very upset about this and told us we were being childish (to be fair, Robbie actually was a child at that time, so….).


The look I give Planned Parenthood protestors.

  • Todd, Lauren, and I had a really deep conversation about moths yesterday. 

  • I got my passport renewed yesterday just in time for 87 different conflicts to heat up in the world. There might not be anywhere left that’s safe to travel to soon, but at least there’s one more ugly picture of me out there.
  • After work today, I was walking through Market Square when I saw some guy laying on the ground surrounded my paper towels. A small crowd had gathered and the popo had just rolled up. One of those lame bicycle cops strode over in his dumb bike hat and asked the prostrate man’s friends, “Is he OD’ing? Alcohol?” “No, he just um, fell and hit his head,” one of the accomplices said, while a BOTTLE OF LIQUOR was on the ground right next to their downed friend. Good job, guys.
    • I was telling Henry about what I saw after I got in the car and he was all, “Oh, I saw two guys running past the car with paper towels a few minutes before you got here” and I thought that was so cool that we both saw two different parts of the scene so then I started obsessing over it because there isn’t enough substance in my brain to keep me from dwelling on things that don’t matter.


  • I have Post-It notes all over my desk to help me with my Korean. So like, I have one on my phone that says phone in Hangul, etc. There’s one on the audit lamp, too, and yesterday, Todd was at his desk and said “lamp” out loud in Korean! I was so excited because he was looking at the Post-It on it the other day and I was teaching him how to pronounce it, so with my hands on my chest, I cried out, “Oh my god, you remembered!” Maybe I really CAN be a teacher after all, right? But then Todd laughed and said, “God no, it’s called Google Translate and it’s right in front of me.” :(


  • My favorite part about Chooch bringing flowers home is trying to guess from whose yard they were thieved. He just had another row with Jackie the Witch today so I’m going to guess her flowers are next on the list. It was a huge ordeal apparently- she made Jayden cry and Chooch came to me with 4 kids in his wake, hysterically recapping the latest “GET OFF MY LAWN” episode and this one kid was like LOSING HIS MIND, he was so angry. I let them all vent and then basically said, “Cool story, get off my lawn.” Look, Henry was almost done making my tteokbokki and I wanted to eat, not get in some pointless screaming match with JACKIE. Anyway, I think this is just karma because when I was first moved here, Jackie’s son was Chooch’s age and he ANNOYED THE FUCK out of me. Somehow, all of the neighbor kids used to congregate on my porch—OK, not “somehow.” It was clearly because I was the cool 20-year-old on the block. Chooch wanted to throw that in Jackie’s face. “I should have said, ‘Yeah, well, you should worry about your own son and whose yard he’s on!'” OK Chooch, but that was 17 years ago (OMG I’ve lived here a long time) so that doesn’t really hold up.
    • My favorite part about Chooch’s reenactments of his conflicts is when he says, “And then I said [insert obscenity-laden, brazen retort], OK fine, I just thought that in my head. What I really said was ‘ I DIDN’T DO IT.'” He never does anything, you guys. It’s obviously Drop Dead Fred.


  • I noticed a sign in the window of Rock n Joe’s the other day, boasting their lavender lattes. Lavender lattes are my favorites, tied with maple! Crazy Mocha is where I usually go for my lavender fix, but I decided to give Rock n Joe’s a try even though I think they’re overpriced and gimmicky. So I rolled up in there yesterday on my break, about fifteen minutes before they closed. I walked in to an empty joint, all prepared to order, but the guy behind the counter had to finish his text first. You know how important that is when you’re AT WORK. I hold up one finger all the time when my boss comes over to ask me something, like just a second, lemme just finish telling Henry that G-Dragon’s solo concert in Seoul sold out in 8 minutes, thanks. I let this dumbass finish and then when I tried to order my little slice of lavender heaven, he did the sad face/head tilt before saying, “I’m sorry, we’re all out of lavender syrup. We’ll have more tomorrow.” And then he waited for me to order something else, and normally I would have ordered something I didn’t even want because it’s in my nature to feel obligated by society, but you know what I said? “Maybe I’ll come back tomorrow, then.” Well, today is tomorrow and do you think I went back? NO I DIDNT. “Wow, you sure showed him,” Henry said when I called him at work to tell him this amazing story.

I think that’s all I have. But before I go, here’s a kpop video! These guys will be at KCON and I want to go so bad and I even already requested off work but I have a feeling I’ll never be able to get tickets. Anyway, I like them mostly because their singer has been on Running Man a whole bunch of times and he is just so dreamy.

But no seriously, I have never related to Korean college girls so much before in my life.


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