Wednesday Word Warts

I think I have officially worn myself out. My body parts be like “Bitch, we fucking fatigued. Lay us the fuck down.” So I’m trying to “rest” but that’s not working out very well. Anyway, here’s some bullets. 

• I really want this shirt ^^^ that I saw in one of the early episodes of Goblin.
• Did you know that if your head gets cut off, you’re still conscious for 15 seconds? Chooch just told me that. Everyone say thanks, Chooch.
  • Speaking of decapitation, does it cost extra to have your head sewn back on for the funeral services?
    • I interviewed for a job once at a funeral home when I was in college and one of the job duties was styling the hair of the dead people. I was really stoked about that! I was offered the job but couldn’t take it because of my dumb night classes at Pitt. I wonder where I’d be right now in life had that worked out differently.

• I was almost back in the painting groove again….but then June happened. June was a terrible month. It was the lowest I’ve been in a very long time and I’m not sure if I’d be here writing this right now if it wasn’t for Henry and Chooch. They’re like my pool floats. My water-wings. MY HONEY BUNNIES.  MY LAMBY WAMBIES. Sorry. You never know when I’m going full-blown Back to the Beach quote-mode. Anyway, I managed to eke out two paintings before going back into retirement. I’m the fakest artist ever, you people.

• I took this picture last week so my face is even closer now, but it still feels sooooo far away! Some of my co-workers get excited if I forget to move my face because then they get to do it. If it’s my enemy Lou, he puts it on upside down. :( The other day, I was telling some of my work friends how stressed I am about what I’m going to wear to the G-Dragon show, and Lori suggested that I dress like G-Dragon, like put together something inspired by one of his famous looks. But then Lauren said that HENRY should dress like G-Dragon (I think this how the conversation went – I eat a lot of Asian candy from the Pumpkin of Horrors every day and I think my brain is rotting) and this is basically the best idea ever. Henry is not down with it and said that he hates Lauren and Lori now. WOW.
  • I have to find him a flesh-colored turtleneck.
  • In Pumpkin of Horrors news, this  latest batch I procured from Hmart is full of more hits than misses! I mean, there is one kind that Glenn calls the roast beef candy because it starts out oddly savory but then turns delightful. One of the mail ladies (Betty, the one who told me a few mths ago that she tried one on her own and thought she went down to the sewer — that’s what happens when I’m not there to supervise!) started asking me questions about where I shop for my candy and Todd said he felt like I was being interviewed and was so nervous that I was going to mess up. Lauren, however, said it sounded like I had waited my whole life for someone to stop and talk to me about my candy, and something about MY CANNED RESPONSES?!
• Today was Chooch’s first day at Camp Chronica! Chris has graciously offered to let Chooch hang out at their house one or two times a week while we’re in childcare limbo, and we couldn’t be more grateful – plus, Chooch is in his glory. Chris is one of his favorite people in the whole world. I had to give him a stern talk this morning though about not impeding on her work and not pissing on her toilet ugh. Anyway, he got to hang out with her sister Amy and make a whale plushie! Chris sent me a video of Chooch using a sewing machine and now I have all these plans to buy him his own one so that he can make shit for me. OMG LIKE MY OWN SWEAT SHOP!
  • I showed Amber and Todd the whale plushie and now they want to go to Camp Chronica, too.
  • Monica is making him a list of chores.

• I went to lunch on Sunday with BARB and of course she had a present for Chooch ugh (she had one for me too but I just like to focus on the negative). When he saw it, he tore his other shirt off and said, “I’LL NEVER WEAR ANOTHER SHIRT AGAIN!” Spoiler: he wore a different shirt the next day because I made him change.
• I hate how terrible and vicious money (or lack-thereof) makes people. Constantly disappointed and disgusted in humanity.

• On Monday, Wendy decided at the last minute that she wanted to have lunch with me and Lori. I think it was just because she left her work ID at home and didn’t want to use mine because it’s inside a purple fluffy Pusheen thingie with a G-Dragon keychain attached to it so she decided to just take me with her when she went outside. And Lori got to come too because she was wearing a cute rompery jumpsuit thing that day and you know what they say: wear a cute rompery jumpsuit, get asked to lunch. Anyway, we went to Condado and had bomb tacos. It was like Happy Dog in Cleveland where you get to build your own combinations on an order sheet thingie and I had such stress over it because I’m notorious for creating disgusting flavor profiles, mismatching ethnic cuisines, and just overall making very poor ordering choices. We had a really cool waiter but I thought he was going to yell at me, crumble up my order and tell me to start over, but instead, he glanced at it and said I did a good job! I think he was probably just checking to make sure all my circles were properly penciled. One of my tacos had lime tofu and something creamy on it, this was definitely the best one and I think they should put it on the menu and name it the Erin Got Lucky. The other one had BBQ jackfruit and it was ok but I think things went awry when I was choosing a sauce because something was misaligned. But still – it was a taco and it was a million times better than the Cream of Wheat I was originally planning on making with the hot water dispenser on the coffee maker at work. (As opposed to the tedious oatmeal that needs baked in the microwave, ugh, kill me.)

• We went to the park yesterday for some 4th of July outdoorsiness because who wants to sit inside doing nothing but talking shit on people all day. We’re kind of out of the nature-loop, but apparently there is some rock hide-n-seek game going on, so that was fun, finding these rocks and then moving them like a foot away because we suck at hiding things.
  • Meanwhile, Chooch had his bike with him and let me tell you something about Chooch: athletic he is not. He makes Henry and me cringe when he rides his bike, but everyone is all, “HE IS A BOY. IT WILL BE FINE” so I’m like “OK if you say so” as I’m watching him from behind finger-slats as he rides over a gorge. At one point, we were on a curvy path and I could see him through a patch of trees as he turned around to come back to where we were walking. “Let’s hide!” I said, pulling Henry behind a tree with me. So we were giddily standing behind this tree trunk, all stock-like, nervously breathing when we realized after awhile that it was taking him longer than it should have to make it back to where we were. “He saw us, so now he’s hiding too,” Henry hypothesized. We eventually conceded and stepped out from behind the tree. “Where the hell is he?” I cried, looking around the empty path. And then I saw him dragging his bike, and himself, up a hill. “I’m OK! I just accidentally rode down this hill, but I’m OK!” OMG he’s the worst. Every time he turns his head, his bike turns with him, so that’s probably what happened. He saw a squirrel or something and then the next thing he knew, he was off the trail and crash-landing at the bottom of a hill. THAT’S MA BOY.

• We walked to Dormont Park last night to watch the fireworks. I usually skip this tradition because I’m of the “if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all” mentality, but Chooch wanted to meet his buddy Dimajio down there so we decided to all go as like, a family thing. It was kind of dumb, action-wise, but nice to just chill with Henry and people-watch. We were sitting to a bunch of middle school Meghan Trainors who thought they were HOT SHIT, and some cover band was playing Journey, BUT AT LEAST WE WERE TOGETHER. Chooch came back over to us when the fireworks started and I was like, “OMG HE CHOSE US OVER DIMAJIO!” but it was just because Dimajio was playing basketball or something and we were Chooch’s back-up plan. “After awhile, it’s just like…loud lights,” Chooch mused, and we were like, “Um, yes, you’re correct.” I get bored after the first two minutes, because I just want the whole thing to be the grand finale. However, I always say, “Ooooh” whenever it’s the gold sizzling ones, because those are my forever faves.
  • Henry and I were originally sitting on a part of the grass that was eventually roped off with ACTUAL CRIME SCENE TAPE by some dopey-looking cop, who is definitely the little go-fer boy of the precinct. Apparently, we had chosen the zone where the ash and firework carcasses drop from the sky, so we had to move. That was pretty much the most action that happened all night.

I still have to wrap-up my KCON recaps and regale the Internet with pictures of furries from the Anthrocon parade, and I’ll get there. But tonight, my brain was not about that organized thought life.