Jan 3

twitter gave me mono

Category: tweets

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:00 Oh it’s not cold out! You don’t need a coat! Go out with wet hair! #
  • 15:11 Omg I’m in a library. #
  • 16:46 Apparently I’m a cheater for throwing down “sartorii” on Words w/ Friends b/c why should a bumpkin like me know that one. Fuck you, Henry. #
  • 14:22 We are all assholes, dumbasses, and jackasses when Chooch is sick, and he hates us all. #
  • 16:00 I love Sundays where things get accomplished. That doesn’t happen often which is why I have a longstanding Sunday hatred. #
  • 19:49 I’m glad Chooch is done throwing up but will be even gladder when he 86s the surly “I’m sick” attitude. Ppl like that are SO ANNOYING. What? #
  • 21:06 Dear Lord, (look at me, all praying & shit) Plz make Chooch better. He’s running out of things ar ound the house to hate. Amen or whatev. #
  • 21:11 Before finally retiring to bed (9 is early, he must be sick), Chooch the Invalid told our cat, “I hate you, Marcy. Go cry, bitch!” #
  • 21:24 I’m glad my ESPN alert just told me the Pens scored 15 seconds before it happened on my TV. I hate being surprised. #
  • 21:25 I guess it would also help if I was watching this live. #
  • ***
  • 13:33 I’ve been on that annoying Getting Sick precipice for the last few days. I wish it’d just happen already so I can stop zombie’ing around. #
  • 18:08 The fact that Henry and I are arguing over who rollerskates better leads me to believe a SKATE-OFF is in order. #
  • 18:41 Hay look @ the dumb! Library: Take Two: After writing about my failed library mission the other day, I realized tha… bit.ly/8iJfST #
  • 19:43 Henry grew balls suddenly; dared defy me while I was holding a hammer. He’s lucky he didn’t LOSE the new sprouts. #
  • 23:54 Just spent the last 10 minutes hysterically laughing, molesting Henry’s suspicions. “You don’t laugh like that unless you did something!” #
  • ***
  • 09:33 I really want to start a horror movie club. No one ever wants to watch any with me. I’m crying! #
  • 18:43 Hay look @ the dumb! Christmas 2009: all that stands out to me is the hair comment: Most of my twenties were spent … bit.ly/77Ps96 #
  • 19:16 Seeing Pens score against Sabres would be much more satisfying if I didn’t like their Ryan Miller so much. Hazards of watching other teams. #
  • 19:46 I cant wait to get my hands on the new Felix Culpa cd. Henry keeps saying something about if I “be a good girl.” He’s such a creepy uncle. #
  • 20:03 If only the Pens could put that much heat on Brodeur. #NHL #
  • 23:32 10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling from @oatmeal #
  • ***
  • 00:04 What? Words With Friends doesn’t recognize “goatse” as an acceptable word? To whom do I address my letter! #
  • 09:28 Chooch, playing with his Batcave, just asked me, “Do you like this cool setup?” right before Batman said “0wellzorz” to Joker. #
  • 13:16 Henry is so livid over yet another shitty experience at Dozen Cupcakes that the spelling in his texts are even scarier than usual. #
  • 14:33 I could never be happy being someone’s second best, knowing they’ll always be thinking of that other person. Makes me appreciate shit. #
  • 15:42 At the cemetery for our rescheduled traditional Xmas picnic. #
  • 18:44 Hay look @ the dumb! TOYS: I’m impressed. Chooch has had his jack in the box for nearly a week and is still playi… bit.ly/5p2bKe #
  • 21:22 Oh wow, the Penguins finally get a power play after 58 minutes of play. How generous of the officials. #
  • 22:17 Why haven’t the new Real World roommates started fighting yet? Where are the homophobes? Why don’t I have an umb rella in my house? #
  • 22:25 I’m glad to see none of these people have superfluous vowels in their names. *Cough* Cancun’s Aaiiiiiyah & Emileeeeee *cough* #
  • ***
  • 00:59 Sour Patch Kids make wonderful post-purging palate cleansers. #
  • 02:23 Oftentimes the cold tile of a bathroom floor is just as comforting as a mother’s embrace. #
  • 09:22 I’m on my deathbed & my cruel, callous 3yo just said, “Oh stop crying, crybaby.” :( #
  • 13:09 Alisha called to say that the Used tickets have been purchased. I’m so happy I could puke except that there’s nothing left in me. #
  • 14:08 #10yearsago I was 20 & inviting people in off the street. #
  • 15:27 I really just need to knock myself out. #
  • 22:33 The only thing I’ve felt safe eating all day was frozen yogurt. Now I want Doritos so Henry ran to get some. Good boyfriend, that Henry. #
  • 23:49 Henry and I are ringing in the new year with achey joints and the cast of The Jersey Shore. I’m not sad about that. #
  • ***
  • 00:02 Oh hahaha Henry is so mad that we missed the ball drop because as usual I had paused the tv at some point. Happy delayed New Year! #
  • 13:02 Winter Classic! Go Bruins! #
  • 13:39 I wish James Taylor always sang the National Anthem. #winterclassic #NHL #
  • 16:15 Oh please Hartnell, bite a Bruin on national TV. #nhlwinterclassic #
  • 16:15 BRUINS! #
  • 16:20 Chooch: Ooh, those orange team are so pissed. I’m gonna play hockey & knock down the orange team cuz you hate them so much. #
  • 18:08 I love watching Alisha’s face as she watches “Jersey Shore.” #
  • 18:48 Hay look @ the dumb! 2KX in the Hiz!: This was me, New Years Eve 1999. I was all set to get all lampshade-wearin’… bit.ly/6Mw4H2 #
  • 19:27 Even Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has a real job and I don’t. Great. At least I’ve never been punched by a dude. (“Yet” says Henry.) #
  • 21:42 Alisha gifted me with the motherlode of Xmas bounty. I need to join a gym before even considering sampling. #
  • 21:57 Mixtape 4×4 ceramic coaster by somnambulant on Etsy bit.ly/7Z8Bx7 #
  • ***
  • 13:17 To say that my stomach didn’t do flips during the preview for Degrassi’s Love Game would be an outright lie, and I am no liar. #
  • 15:37 Penguins just scored their first goal in over 150 minutes of play. Thank god because I almost forgot what it felt like to cheer. #NHL #
  • 15:54 Mayhaps this is something other than a stomach bug because I almost maybe passed out. #
  • 17:37 Checking out www.postcrossing.com. I’m doing this and Henry can’t stop me. Hopefully I will meet my future husband through the post. #
  • 20:24 I haven’t felt this bad since I was pregnant. Don’t even! Shhh! Shut your lips! #
  • 21:44 Although, I HAVE been craving Doritos & Orange Julius….. #
  • 22:50 It’s only been on for 2 minutes and I’m already so fucking over these Paranormal Activity idiots. #
  • 13:55 I managed to eat half of a cheese sandwich and now I’m pretty sure I might throw up. Perhaps it’s doctor time. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.


4 Comments so far

  1. Francesco is ALWAYS OFFENDED by everything you say!exclamation! January 3rd, 2010 5:57 pm


    how are things? happy holidays (SO OVERDUE)

  2. Francesco is ALWAYS OFFENDED by everything you say!exclamation! January 3rd, 2010 5:58 pm


  3. Francesco is ALWAYS OFFENDED by everything you say!exclamation! January 3rd, 2010 5:59 pm

    aww voicemail

  4. Tuna Tar-Tart January 3rd, 2010 9:24 pm

    I’m sorry I missed your call. I haven’t been feeling well:(

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