Sep 252018

Like pretty much everyone in  this country it seems, I have been interested in true crime for as long as I can remember. But my first true “killer” love was Lizzie Borden. I mean, her story had it all: the Victorian setting, the gruesome crime scenes, the mystery and intrigue, the…pears.

One of the greatest things Henry ever did for me was take me to Fall River, Massachusetts for my birthday in 2003 and we stayed overnight at the Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast. It was…SO FUCKING SCARY.  I mean, nothing obtusely paranormal happened to us, but aside from the summer caretaker (Mike, whom I learned several years ago perished in a house fire!!) we were the only guests there on that hot summer night.

It was one of the coolest experiences, even though this was back when Henry and I fought constantly because he was trying to hard to domesticate me.

Years later, we went back with Chooch. We didn’t stay overnight, but we did take a tour and visit the cemetery. Chooch was super interested and well-behaved during the whole tour so I was like TAKE THAT to the people on the tour with us who silently judged our decision to bring our  7-year-old but joke’s on them because he’s an ax-murderer too.

LOL sike j/k.

Recreating the crime scene.

So all of this is a big lead-in for my new serial killer birthday card! I know, I know, Lizzie isn’t exactly a serial killer, but she’s definitely an American horror icon so I do tend to include her occasionally in my cards. I felt it was fitting to have her play the role of the matriarch at the kid’s birthday party in my latest card, though, and I am so giddy about it! I think that this is my current favorite design in the non compos collection and I hope that my customers love it as much as I do.

The gang’s all here waiting for Lizzie to serve them up a scoop of sherbet! Can you name them all?

I felt that the image on this card was good enough and didn’t need to be cluttered with text, so I stuck with a simple “Happy Birthday” and then a short sentiment on the inside.

Serve this sucker up to your favorite murderino on their next birthday!

Or if you know someone who is just strictly a Lizzie lover, might you consider this festive design?

It’s a little known, oft-glossed over fact that Lizzie Borden was a gold medalist in the Fall River Birthday Cake Cutting Olympics. Funny how no one cared about her deft, hatchet-wielding prowess until she advanced from cakes to craniums.

Now we can help teach the world about Lizzie’s non-murderous talents, one birthday card at a time. THANK GOD.

This educational card comes with an envelope, because the last time I tried to mail something in an eggshell, it never made it.

(This is not true. I feel obliged to clarify because the last time I posted this on the socials, someone asked if it was true. I mean, maybe? But probably not  because I’m pretty sure I just cooked it up in my head because I have lots of empty space up there.)

The card has an inside and this is it.

I also have these fancy and sophisticated Lizzie note cards, the first note card set I ever offered in my shop! These are great for when you feel like practicing your calligraphy or owe your death row pen pal a letter but ran out of sheaths of the pig skin you would normally use.


And I’ll leave you with this vintage snap of Henry reenacting the Borden crime scene during our overnight stay – look at him, still swathed in nondescript duds even back in 2003!

OK guys, this has been my Lizzie Borden interlude. Carry on.

Say it don't spray it.

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