Tweetlympics, wouldn’t that suck for you

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:43 The noises in my house right now make me wish I own a shotgun. #
• 15:45 Chooch just told Henry that I hit him, he fell down, & then I hit him again?!?! But he left out the part where I burnt him with a lighter! #
• 19:33 MAMA’S TRYING TO WATCH THIS HOCKEY GAME STFU. #pens #
• 21:32 Jesus Christ, I love Sidney Crosby!i can’t wait to watch him in the Olympics! #letsgopens #
• 22:34 I need a shot of te stosterone. Or heroine. #
• 23:07 It seriously starts out with Justin Bieber? Fuck this “We Are the World.” And Miley Cyrus probably doesn’t even know where Haiti is. #
• 00:21 I feel guilty but I want the men’s Canadian hockey team to win gold. #
• 08:18 Henry is right where he belongs: in the kitchen. #
• 14:36 Alisha spent 15 minutes talking about the “breakdown” in the 90s hit “All For One” by Sting, Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart. #
• 16:16 Pretty sure I’m going to wear a clown wig from now on. #
• 21:42 Me: it’s not easy being me. Henry: it’s not easy being WITH you, either. #
• 21:43 While watching the #Olympics, I enjoy accusing athletes of cheating & then sitting back while Henry defends them passionately. #
• 22:48 I love/hate getting sucked up in the Olympics. I especially like making faux-hateful comments that raise Henry’s bushy brows. #
• 22:52 The way the guy says “I’m right here, & I always will be” in that Kay’s spot makes me feel like he should be pressing a gun into her side. #
• 23:36 Just made Chooch’s Valentine, elementary school-style. Red construction paper heart, lots of red glitter. No patience for macaroni though. #
• 08:58 I wish Jillian Michaels was my Valentine. #
• 09:07 Henry just winked at me. What year did I wake up in. #
• 09:16 I fucked up by going traditional with Chooch’s valentine. The first thing he said was, “Um, why aren’t there any zombies on it?” #
• 09:38 Old school Vday picture of Chooch: www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/366 #
• 11:06 Henry suggested I make greeting cards that don’t offend so many groups of people. I’m pretty sure my head transformed into a question mark. #
• 11:14 I really feel like the Kay’s commercials subliminally promote murder. I’m writing them a letter. #
• 13:12 Nashville Predators is the only team I don’t know jack about. #letsgopens! Give mama a VDay win! #
• 13:31 Chuckle City as usual with these FSN announcers. Oh Bob & Steigy. #bringbackmikelange #
• 13:34 I can’t WAIT to watch Crosby play in the #Olympics. #
• 13:43 Ate a fist-sized Reeses heart; pretty sure I’ll be puking @ some point 2day. But really isn’t that what VDay is for? Nausea? Puking? Murder? #
• 14:58 FREE CANDY! #letsgopens #
• 19:35 Figure skating is my least favorite but at least I can have fun heckling. #douchinguptheolympics #
• 20:25 It’s a good thing I don’t have a screen printer. #
• 09:00 I think I already hate someone here. #
• 14:14 Don’t care what the critics say: “3 Cheers For Sweet Revenge” will always be My Chemical Romance’s opus in my eyes. #
• 16:11 If you ever want to see my son get all up in arms, take a bite out of string cheese. “Youre not doing it right!!!” is what he’ll scream. #
• 17:09 The way Henry said “You’re annoying” to me, it was almost as if it just now occurred to him after 9 years. #
• 22:53 It seems like every time I look up, someone on my TV is falling. Bad Olympians. #
• 23:01 Don’t you ever try to hack off my leg again. I need it for the ant parade. #
• 23:04 I kept my mouth shut about Undercover Boss. But now Minute To Win It & The Marriage Ref? TV needs to get a fucking life. #
• 06:49 Henry just said “It’s not like we’re living high on the hog” & I might puke from laughing. #
• 07:52 Perhaps old school Dance Gavin Dance wasn’t the best choice of music for my morning commute. #
• 08:18 I think i just found an Elenore replacement. Suddenly I can’t remember how to spell Elenore’s name. #
• 09:17 Remind me again how I wound up with two jobs. #
• 10:23 Thinking about the men’s Olympic hockey starting today made me cry WTF. #
• 10:52 I really have no right to feel so sad today. Maybe I should find a clown to fuck. That usually helps. #
• 12:15 Shelly Lee, Rep #58? You’re a cunt. #
• 14:43 My new goal is to meet a real life curler. #
• 14:43 That replaces my old goal of interviewing a bait shop owner. #
• 14:50 Great, but what about my grenades: In Virginia, you can now carry a loaded gun into a bar as long as you don’t drink bit.ly/ddbhVI #
• 14:58 MEN’S HOCKEY FINALLY OMG. #
• 15:34 Bobby Ryan scores on his NHL teammate. Awkward! #olympics #
• 15:42 All pendants are $10! Just enter the word MOIST in the message to seller upon check out & I’ll issue $2 refund. tinyurl.com/yeaq7rg #
• 16:03 Ryan Malone scores! He’ll always be a Penguin in my heart. #Olympics #
• 19:17 The new @circasurvive track is sick, not that I expected any less from one of my all time favorite bands. I can’t wait to see them again! #
• 20:02 How did country music become synonymous with the #olympics? And can curling please go away now? My TV wants real athletes. #
• 20:04 So CNBC finally stops jacking off over curling and the #teamcanada hockey game has been playing for nearly an entire period. Awesome. #
• 20:28 Lol RT @penschat Breaking news: @NBCOlympics to preempt the 3rd pd of tonite’s Canada-Norway game in favor of Olympic Hot Dog Eating contest #
• 20:45 I feel cheap, cheering after a Mike Richards goal. #teamcanada #flyersstillsuck #
• 21:49 My prom date Jarome Iginla just got a hat trick for #teamcanada! Olympic hockey is sexy. #
• 22:32 Apparently Iginla’s last goal went to Nash instead, but Crosby still had 3 assists & Iginla called him best player in the world, TRUTH. #
• 08:46 Hope this is the final answer // RT @NBCOHockey Scoring changed on Canada’s 8th goal, credit goes to Iginla, and he gets the hat trick. #
• 11:13 Here’s Henry: “Get a job NOW!” & when I get a job? “When are you coming home are you done yet did you leave yet???” FUCK. #
• 13:15 Home from my dumb job; have to take some test for a Census job later. I miss being a lady of leisure. #
• 13:16 At least I have a recording of Team Russia’s hockey game from last night. And a pocketful of crack. (Kidding. God.) #
• 13:48 I think today I’ll hate the Swiss. #Olympics #
• 13:54 Apple juice face. yfrog.com/3nbbakj #
• 15:34 Henry, you motherfucker. #
• 15:40 It took Henry this long to realize he fights with me like I’m his teenage daughter. #
• 16:01 About to take some lame Census test, sitting in a stifling library with a bunch of gaybos. HOPE I PASS LOLZ. #
• 16:09 Some people need their hands held through the application process. I might be here awhile. #
• 17:03 I just had a flashback to taking GED test. I now require a bucket of cold water and a sharp slap to the face. #
• 17:12 I spent most of the test duration trying to remember what 9×7 is bec ause I’m super smarteeeeeez. #
• 17:15 Apparently I’m slaloming home. yfrog.com/37yweij #
• 19:25 What? No. I wasn’t at mass. I was giving head in a fireplace. #
• 20:10 As usual, Chooch drew attention in Target with his loud commentary. #
• 23:18 @NBCOlympics I couldn’t wait for Olympic hockey to start, & for what? To miss nearly a full period of Team Canada due to CURLING? #
• 23:20 @NBCOlympics No figure skating on tonight, yet hockey is still banished to NBC’s bastard channels. Makes sense! #
• 23:22 RT @walsha Crash their Twitter accounts, blast them! Every fan enraged with NBC’s treatment of hockey,let them hear from you @NBCOlympics #
• 07:17 If a song has “funeral” in the title, odds are I’ll like it. Unless it’s backed with the grating “vocal stylings” of one Miley Cyrus. #
• 07:57 There are 4 antique shops & a dollhouse mini store in the town I work in case yr looking for a 1800s shoehorn or a bidet for yr dollhouse #
• 10:18 There are scissors within my reach and I’m tempted to give them a free ticket to the Hair Cuttiing Carnival on my head. #
• 10:39 Just sent Henry a sad pic of myself looking super sadly sad. Maybe he’ll buy me a present. Or let me quit my job & go back to being awesome #
• 15:09 One thing I’ve learned while waiting impatiently for #olympic hockey games to get TV-time: America has a shitty curling team. #
• 15:50 I was going to say that I’m starting to resent Henry but I guess since that started back in 2002, it’s a pretty fortified resentment by now. #
• 15:58 This resentment has the stench of aged fromage. #
• 20:00 That’s ok @NBCOlympics. I didn’t need to see that Heatley goal for #teamcanada. I had BONUS COVERAGE of CURLING to “entertain” me. #
• 20:12 Google this “erin is so stupid cuz she wont make dinner only pizza and that is so dumb” and my blog is the first result. Awesome I think. #
• 20:17 Henry: “Just be thankful they’re showing hockey AT ALL. Remember when the Olympics used to only be on one channel?” God, he’s so old. #
• 20:43 Well, I guess showing one out of three goals during this Canada/Swiss hockey game isn’t too bad, huh @NBCOlympics? Fuckers. #
• 21:11 The only way @NBCOlympics could fuck up th eir hockey coverage any further would be if they had Jay Leno announcing. #Olympics #
• 22:01 Sidney Crosby scores in an #Olympic shootout, wins the game & Canada drowns in their celebratory ejaculations. Go #teamcanada! #
• 22:45 I ate a lot of carrots tonight. I said ATE. Not fucked. God. That was last Tuesday. #
• 08:43 Oh my god. I should never leave the house that early on the heels of one of my ridiculous rants. I think I’m in early stages of a coronary. #
• 12:09 They shoulda let ME write this: bit.ly/cIQ016 NBC still refusing to answer questions on why it’s ruining the Olympics. #
• 12:54 I’m so glad I got a job so Henry can stay home playing online poker. #
• 20:05 I guess bitching when you don’t win gold is the new #Olympic sport? Figure skaters make me angry. #
• 20:13 Going to start going to town hall meetings; I have a lot to say/yell. Maybe public access is the way to go; my rants are broad in design. #
• 20:23 Am I the only one not offended by Tiger Woods’ sexcapades? Maybe it’s my dried up well of morals, but fuck who you want, dude. #
• 21:58 Goddammit I need a Valium or some shit. #
• 22:04 At least I’m going to Cleveland tomorrow to see The Used, rather than sulk around being morose like every other Feb 20th. Progress. #
• 22:47 Henry is upstairs. I just called him so he could hear our cat Don talk. I don’t think his heart swelled. #
• 10:01 The upside to not selling my pendants is that I have something for every outfit. Birds you say, pink s weater? Then birds it is! #
• 14:44 I just like giving truckers something to smile about, OK? #
• 16:02 Being lost is awesome. How else would I have a reason to go to Caribou Coffee and immediately find 2 broads to hate. #
• 16:55 Chocolate Bar before The Used, no biggie. yfrog.com/371ugbtj #
• 17:03 @saucalisha Right? Sometimes it’s amazing how awesome my life is. Covet away!! #
• 17:20 I’m choco-sick now. #
• 19:18 MY HANDS ARE NOT SWEATY. Alisha always has to criticize me because she’s JELIS. #
• 19:35 Oh, the people in front of me. I can’t even. #
• 19:45 And I KNOW this other slut is wearing a Bumpit. I’m sure of it. Thought I’d be jealous but no, not so much. #
• 23:35 Great show until the end when I got in verbal confrontation with some dude. Now at IHOP feeding my aggression. #
• 23:57 Alisha likes her meat sweet. #
• 03:13 Words cannot describe how good it feels to be home. All I can say before passing out is FUCK OHIO. #
• 11:26 Have I learned nothing from The Jersey Shore? #
• 12:00 Did not wake up feeling very cool, like I reverted back to one of my past, less stable versions. Not compatible with 2010. #
• 13:51 Maybe if he were a bit more aware, he would know what’s wrong with me. #

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